"Jo, what're you doing?" Ana asked me.
I looked down at the sandwich in my hand and shrugged. "I was hungry."
"That doesn't mean you have to eat. You keep doing this; it's not gonna work. Every time you're hungry, you go and get food. I mean, i'll give you credit for not binging, but this 'normal' eating isn't going to get you anywhere either."
I sighed. "I'm just trying to get back on track from where i derailed with holiday binging. I'm going to start ABC back up tomorrow."
"No," Ana told me. "That's a lie.You haven't even been thinking about getting back on track; you haven't been thinking at all, just following your greedy human instincts to put food in your mouth when your stomach gurgles. You're forgetting me."
Her accusation was far too true for my liking. "But... Shaun's happy about it..." i tried to defend myself.
She shook her head violently. "Well Shaun obviously doesn't want to help you meet your goals, now does he?" She put a hand on my shoulder and turned me around to face the mirror. "Look in the mirror, sweetie. Can you honestly tell me you're happy with what you see?"
My eyes ran over my own body: the too-big arms, the stupid pudge of a stomach, the perpetually jiggly thighs... Then they moved over to survey Ana in all her tiny glory: her stick thin arms, her sunken in stomach, the bones of her thighs. She was beautiful, and i certainly was far from it. There was no way to make peace with this huge gelatinous beast that was my body like Shaun wanted me to. There was not going to be peace between my brain and my body until i shrunk it and changed it and made it into something as beautifully bony as Ana's own.
"I'll do better, Ana," i promised. "Much better."