Sunday, January 3, 2010

Normal Eating

"Jo, what're you doing?" Ana asked me.
I looked down at the sandwich in my hand and shrugged. "I was hungry."
"That doesn't mean you have to eat. You keep doing this; it's not gonna work. Every time you're hungry, you go and get food. I mean, i'll give you credit for not binging, but this 'normal' eating isn't going to get you anywhere either."
I sighed. "I'm just trying to get back on track from where i derailed with holiday binging. I'm going to start ABC back up tomorrow."
"No," Ana told me. "That's a lie.You haven't even been thinking about getting back on track; you haven't been thinking at all, just following your greedy human instincts to put food in your mouth when your stomach gurgles. You're forgetting me."
Her accusation was far too true for my liking. "But... Shaun's happy about it..." i tried to defend myself.
She shook her head violently. "Well Shaun obviously doesn't want to help you meet your goals, now does he?" She put a hand on my shoulder and turned me around to face the mirror. "Look in the mirror, sweetie. Can you honestly tell me you're happy with what you see?"
My eyes ran over my own body: the too-big arms, the stupid pudge of a stomach, the perpetually jiggly thighs... Then they moved over to survey Ana in all her tiny glory: her stick thin arms, her sunken in stomach, the bones of her thighs. She was beautiful, and i certainly was far from it. There was no way to make peace with this huge gelatinous beast that was my body like Shaun wanted me to. There was not going to be peace between my brain and my body until i shrunk it and changed it and made it into something as beautifully bony as Ana's own.
"I'll do better, Ana," i promised. "Much better."


  1. maybe shaun will understand better if you tell him about your modeling carreer.

  2. It must be hard to have this conflict between ana and shaun :( Of course he wants you to be happy with yourself because he loves you, but you know you can't until you reach your goals. I hope you can find a way to please them both <3

  3. Segui la voce di ANA, lei ti saprà guidare ...
    Ti abbraccio bellissima:)

  4. Hey, just found your blog. You're an excellent writer, can't wait to catch up on some of your old entries :)

  5. how do you feel eating normal? do you feel okay? are you happy?
    you were so miserable all the time when you were struggling with ana, maybe its time to look towards another path. if you are happier eating normally then i think you should stick with it. you ARE beautiful just the way you are, shaun can see that and i can to. though if you are happier leading a life hand in hand with ana then go for it. all i want is for you to be happy. :)

    stay strong


  6. i love reading your blogs. Your convo's with "Ana" are so real.
    And personally, im proud of you for eating better (: We as humans, shouldn't have to worry about our weight the way we do.
    I really wish that i didnt have a problem with my wight, my stress would just be so much lighter.

  7. Maybe she's write. Maybe shaune's happyness is poison. But to ana it doesn't matter. All she want's is to help you. But that's all shaune wants to, right?

  8. i'm sorry you're struggling so much babe. :)
    i really think you are a very strong person, and you can do it bABe.
    all my love..jen! x

  9. Non sono d'accordo con Embre.
    Certo mangiare normalmente dà felicità ma solo temporaneamente. Tu hai un obiettivo- LA PERFEZIONE- da raggiungere! Sei sicura che non ti pentirai, tra qualche tempo, se lo abbandoni?
    Io penso di sì.... Quando si vuole qualcosa non è mai facile ma che forza dimostri a te stessa se abbandoni ANA ora?
    Certo a tutti piacerebbe mangiare di tutto e di più ma la perfezione ha un prezzo.... però il risultato ti ripagherà!!

    Se Shaun ti ama può accettare qualunque parte di te, anche ANA, solo se non ti ama non lo accetterà.

    Se tu sei bella è anche grazie ad ANA!
    Tu non vuoi essere una persona qualunque, una persona normale, una persona mediocre...giusto?
    Vuoi la perfezione e ANA è l'unica strada che puoi percorrere...Non è necessario che tu digiuni completamente puoi trovare una via di mezzo per concilare amore e ANA*.*

    Stay strong tesoro<3

  10. Your blog is so well written. It is easy to understand how you feel, and I hope you will feel better.

  11. boy I've missed you

    i've missed everyone

    hang in there Jo


  12. Wow... What a great post. Really inspiring!

  13. I love your blog, I feel the same way all the time. I feel you should allow your self cheat days where you eat normal to reduce binging. Also what are your weight goals?

  14. You like - just read my mind, I swear.

    You write beautifully!!
    I am so glad I decided to follow your blog,
    it's truly brilliant. :))