I spoke too soon about my period yesterday. Apparently i was just spotting or something cuz there's nothing now... TMI, sorry. I was just glad to have something to blame my bingyness and depression on, and i snatched up the period to blame, but guess what: no deal!
I'm honestly so depressed, and i really have no idea why. It started 3 days ago and just keeps getting worse. I hate myself; i love everyone else, but i HATE me. I just want to curl up in a corner and die. And the worst part is there's no reason! What the hell is wrong with me?
Shaun has been in a depressive mood as well. That started two days ago. I can't help but think that if his girlfriend wasn't a fat, bingey cow he'd feel a lot better.
Yesterday at work the conveyor belt at my checkout line (i work in a grocery store) wasn't working right, and honest to God, my first thought was "what's wrong with me that this thing isn't working?" Then when the computer froze twice on me, that too was my fault in my mind.
They also told me that my obviously khaki pants weren't khaki and i needed to buy new ones. Well fuck if i have the money to do that! They don't give me many hours and only pay minimum wage. I can't do anything right; i can't even buy the right pants.
This morning i woke up and went straight to the damn refrigerator and binged. Wonderful way to start the day. I just want to cut... I don't have a fucking knife! I need antidepressants or something; i'm sure of it, but i don't have insurance and i certainly can't afford those if i can't afford new pants.
I'm tired of life. I'm trying to fight it; i'm listening to really upbeat music, but even that makes me want to cry. I try to be strong and keep it hidden, but i just have to vent somewhere. Sorry for being such a downer to ya'll. *sigh* Stay strong, even though i haven't.