Thursday, January 28, 2010

So Depressed!

I spoke too soon about my period yesterday. Apparently i was just spotting or something cuz there's nothing now... TMI, sorry. I was just glad to have something to blame my bingyness and depression on, and i snatched up the period to blame, but guess what: no deal!
I'm honestly so depressed, and i really have no idea why. It started 3 days ago and just keeps getting worse. I hate myself; i love everyone else, but i HATE me. I just want to curl up in a corner and die. And the worst part is there's no reason! What the hell is wrong with me?
Shaun has been in a depressive mood as well. That started two days ago. I can't help but think that if his girlfriend wasn't a fat, bingey cow he'd feel a lot better.
Yesterday at work the conveyor belt at my checkout line (i work in a grocery store) wasn't working right, and honest to God, my first thought was "what's wrong with me that this thing isn't working?" Then when the computer froze twice on me, that too was my fault in my mind.
They also told me that my obviously khaki pants weren't khaki and i needed to buy new ones. Well fuck if i have the money to do that! They don't give me many hours and only pay minimum wage. I can't do anything right; i can't even buy the right pants.
This morning i woke up and went straight to the damn refrigerator and binged. Wonderful way to start the day. I just want to cut... I don't have a fucking knife! I need antidepressants or something; i'm sure of it, but i don't have insurance and i certainly can't afford those if i can't afford new pants.
I'm tired of life. I'm trying to fight it; i'm listening to really upbeat music, but even that makes me want to cry. I try to be strong and keep it hidden, but i just have to vent somewhere. Sorry for being such a downer to ya'll. *sigh* Stay strong, even though i haven't.


  1. honey this happens when your eating fluctuates. dont give up. believe me i get it. my bf helps with this rediculous stuff all the time. try working out harder then normally and im sure youll feel better. first it burns calories and second it releases endorphins tht will make you feel better. i promise.

  2. Remember hun we all have time when we feel like that, just remember that it does get better, and in order for it to get better you have to keep going. Stay strong, and remember that you have so many people following you and hoping that life gets easier for you. And hoping also that you will succeed.

  3. Oh, love...I was pretty effing down myself this past week. I'm so fortunate and grateful to have a reliable prescription for my antidepressants and the financial aid from school in order to pay for them. I wish wholeheartedly that there was some way I could help make you see that this state in which you find yourself is *not* reality, but rather a perspective of the world and your life seen through a cloud of faulty brain chemistry and misguided's so very difficult to see past it when it's seemingly encompassing your entire life, your every thought.

    If it helps at all, know that there are so many of us who feel or have felt exactly what you're going through, and are struggling right along beside you. Collectively, we *are* strong. We can and will get through this, because we have no other choice; we're destined for success in all of our endeavors. Ana will provide for us, she will. Just so happens that there's one hell of a journey to endure before we get there.

    <3 Believe in yourself. You can do this. For what it's worth, I'm totally in your corner. <3

  4. Hi sweet! I know you feeling really down just down! But when your mood is lifted, you look back on this knowing that it was a time and a time that as gone.

    You just have to hang in there and know that it will past and when it as, you'll be as strong as ever.

    Don't give up on yourself! Because we will never give up on you sweet.

    Hugs xxx