Monday, January 25, 2010

Nothing Would Fill Me Up, Whatever I Ate....

My hands were numb and my vision was blurred as i opened the refrigerator door. "Green beans," Ana said in my ear. "Just some green beans."
I nodded and snatched them with my unfeeling hand. The microwave whirred for thirty seconds to warm them and then my untasting mouth swallowed them up. I opened the refrigerator door again. "Control," Ana whispered. "Find your control." But i was too numb to find my control and i reached for the yogurt.
Next thing i knew i was sobbing into the hands that had shoveled all the food i could find into my greedy mouth. "I just wanted to eat; to live; to feel..." i sniveled.
"That's no excuse!" Ana's voice had gone from whisper to shout, and she threw the spoon that i had used first for yogurt, then for peanut butter, then for cereal, and lastly for ice cream. I'd used only one spoon and one bowl to hide how much i'd really eaten from my mother. That would work for my mother, but not so for Ana. Ana knew what i'd done and she was raging mad.
"Ana, i was so numb; i couldn't feel anything! Is that no excuse at all?"
"Is what you feel now better than nothing?" she shot back.
I thought about that for a moment. My stomach ached from too much food; my mouth was burnt from inhaling food without waiting for it to cool; my head throbbed from self-hatred; my wrists begged for a knife; my heart was broken... "No," i answered her. "It's far worse."
My phone buzzed and i ignored it. I was so not in the mood to talk to anyone. I felt beyond antisocial and beyond failure. I was still numb, just now i was numb with self-loathing and weakness.
"Seriously, Jo, what is your deal lately?"
I shook my head. "I don't know, Ana," i said through a fresh flow of tears. "Sometimes i scare myself."


  1. don't be numb, lovie, it's ok to feel. even though i personally don't show emotion, food isnt the answer so text me if you need to, kk? i will always be here for you. plus les parents trust my phone completely. i love you so so much and i hate to see you hurting. *hugs*

  2. Oh dear my sweet friend! Off to reply to your email. x

  3. i feel ya. i think today was binge day for us all. i couldn't stop eating. we will do better. =]

  4. I hate binges like that, the feeling that my taste buds are burnt from shovelling all the food in my mouth.

  5. *cuddle*
    It's alright pet. Why don't you take some time out? Raise your eating level a bit until you get used to it and then bring it back down again.
    Like, instead of 500 cals a day, 1000 is a much easier goal :)

  6. :( hope 2moz is a better day for you, its ok to lose control, it happens to the best of us...aslong as you jump straight back on the wagon and dont give in until you cant fight it any longer.

  7. Girl! This time we will be doing together and we will stick to it, with the highs and lows, but will will be strong in the end! You are not a lone. x

  8. You understand what this is, right? You aren't completely stupid. You know that the more you starve yourself, the more you will binge. Starving yourself in response to a binge is completely self-defeating.