Monday, December 21, 2009


Oh i'm a blimp. I've fucking blown up and ballooned out into an enormous blimp. Maybe it's all in my head, i don't know, but i feel so damn fat...

No, no, it's not in my head: look at that picture! IT'S NOT IN MY HEAD; I'M A MILLION TIMES FATTER! I don't want this; i don't want to recover. I want Ana! I want ANA, god dammit! How can i tell Shaun that? How can i make him see? Shit... I'm crying again...

Edit: Steph (and anyone else who cares) my email address is Feel free to contact me at any time. I love you!


  1. I think your doing realy well especially considering your calorie number change. You must be doing a good job keeping your metabolism up and working out. Best of luck with your recovery.

  2. Honey, its your body; not Shaun's. Don't let him dictate what you eat and how much.. although, you should be eating healthy amounts of healthy food in healthy portions, but you should be doing it because you want to, not because he wants you to change the way you are and what you eat.. Let it be on your terms or you'll end up resenting him when you gain..
    your stomch is flatter then a few weeks ago, well done on that one! be happy love :)

  3. aww your not fat, u have a really nice flat stomach. dont put yourself down girl :)
    much love.

  4. hey i can see your hips therefore, not fat!

  5. Don't recover just because people want you to. If you do, it's going to damage you more emotionally which is even worse.
    I had a friend who forced me to recover and I couldn't take it. This is who you are. And people will have to accept it until you're ready to change.
    Lovelove xox

  6. Oh, sweetie!! I keep reading your blog and wondering: why are u with Shaun if he is not accepting for who u are? Isn't that what love is all about? I know that he thinks (and me too) that Ana is dangerous... But THAT IS WHO YOU ARE, right? I mean, aren't you happy when you have her in your life? So I ask you: are you truly happy with Shaun and his pushy ways? Do you really want a guy who forces you to do want you really don't want? Because it is obvious to me that you are not happy with this... But what do I know! Don't listen to me...
    I wish you a Merry Xmas (if u believe), a Happy New Year and, most of all, tons and tons of happiness!!!!!!
    Kisses and hugs,

  7. =( Feeling like that is the worst. It's obvious you care about the boy and he cares about you, maybe just tell him nicely that you can take care of yourself? I dunno - that's a rough situation.
    You look so upset in the picture =( I'm sry hun.

  8. first off , you are beautiful. even if you cant see it, i can. you are my thinspo and have been since you started posting pictures. anytime i feel eating i just look at how thin you are and it stops me in my tracks.
    and about shaun, i understand that he is just worried for you. he cares about you and wants you to be healthy and safe.he probably doesnt realize how hard this is for you and doesnt see how big this plays out in your life. try to talk to him about what your going through,he may be one of those"if your hungry, then eat already" people that doesnt understand how much it hurts to eat. live without regrets and decide which would make you happier.
    remember you are NEVER alone, we are all here for you to back up whatever decision you make.

    hang in there


  9. Lovely i get what your saying..My BF had made me eat yesterday..(cuz i've listened and changed for him)...and now i gained back the few lbs that took me forever to loose..but i realized its not his body its mine and i just have to distract him when he gets on that subject...I never want to get fat ever and i will stay with ana for a very long time....recovery isnt in my near future or for a long time...if u wanna text me my cell is (559)760-3005 or my email wish ya luck and today im restricting and all week,.. i have my control and now to do it...

  10. I think you are beautiful. I don't think you look fat at all. I can see your wonderful hip bones protruding.

    I realize you'd prefer me to say GAWD ANA, what a fatty. However, I would be lying, and that is NOT cool. I like to be honest.

    I know it is hard to let go of ana. She is our best friend. SHe is with us when things get hard. She loves us.

  11. lovie, its ok. really, you aren't fat. and your legs (thighs) look tiny, kk? your stomach is flat and muscular.
    you look scared and worried and i just want to reach through the computer and give you a giant hug. everything's going to be ok. at least you know shaun loves you enough to be scared of losing you.
    and i love you too xD

  12. You are absolutely gorgeous, and you don't have the faintest resemblance to a blimp. I know you won't believe that, but honestly, your stomach is much flatter than before, even with your increase in calories. If you're gaining weight, a good portion of it is probably muscle.