Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Self Destruct

"Woah, girl, what are you doing?!" Ana cried, not so much in horror as in total shock.
I took a long drag from my cigarette, coughed like a fool, and blew the remaining smoke out my mouth. "Smoking," i said simply.
"Obviously," she rolled her eyes. "But, Jo, you don't smoke," she said in a statement just as obvious. I'd spent my entire life trying to get people i cared about to stop smoking.
"I know... I just wanted to try it."
She shook her head. "Why?"
I shrugged. "I honestly don't know. Maybe it's because self destructive behavior is my goal. I mean, think about it: i listen to you, which a lot of people see as self destructive; i cut, or i used to until Shaun asked me not to and i gave him my knife; i over-exercise and know it; i drink when i can; i enjoy pain... I do a lot of self destructive things."
"I'm not complaining," she reassured. "It is an appetite suppressant. I just never thought i'd see you with a cigarette in your mouth."
"Neither did i... I don't know. It makes me feel pretty bad-ass," i said with a laugh. "Tastes kinda gross though. I want to try menthol next time."
She laughed with me and took her own drag from my cig. "Whatever makes you happy--as long as it's not food, of course--is fine with me."


  1. Cloves are another option, if you don't like menthol. I used to smoke, but I quit when they banned smoking in bars - I wasn't about to go outside in the cold. I miss it, though.

  2. Are cigarettes really appetite suppressants? If I smoke when I'm hungry, it just makes me even more hungry... Be careful with that. I started smoking at 13 and now, at 28 I can't stop...

  3. Owww smoking! *cry*
    I gave up like, 2 months ago and now I'm starting to crave them again. I'm still not even old enough to buy cigarettes over here and yet I've been smoking on and off for about 4 years aha :P
    Be careful hun, don't hurt yourself too badly ok?
    Stay strong lovely xoxox <3

  4. Hookah.
    It legit makes your appetite disappear.


  5. Yuck, even if it makes me not hungy, youck.

  6. Yeah, I guess cigs do supress your appetite. They sure did in my case... It's just that I gave up a while ago. But not forever haha!

    Mean mean Ana, though :(

  7. i'm a smoker too. if it fits your situation, it's a good tactic to curb cravings. it keeps your mind and mouth occupied, and the nicotine DOES curb your appetite. just keep in mind if you start smoking more, if you cut down again you'll have a bigger appetite. i gained 20lbs when i cut down after my parents caught me, which is what led me to ana.

    if you want better tasting ones, try camel crushes, they have a light flavor and you have the option of smoking it menthol or regular. camel menthol no. 9s taste like vanilla, and once you get used to the taste marlboro menthol and marlboro menthol smooths are good too, i'm a marlboro menthol girl myself haha. and if you smoke a newport kinda fast you'll get a little buzz going.


  8. Oh god I love this entry lovely...Sorry I smoke and it helps so much....P.S. I love ur stories there so helpful

  9. ive always sorta wanted to smoke. i want that 'bad ass' feeling, i know id pull it off well. and i want it as a hunger suppressant, but the thing is,im edge.