Saturday, December 19, 2009

Pushing Her Away

Ana's bony hand left a red mark on my cheek, and i gasped in shock. "You betrayed me! You're trying to push me out of your life!" she hissed through tears.
"No, no, i'm not at all. I still want you, Ana. I still love you. I'm not going to let them take you away completely. I can still exercise as much as you want, and they're never going to get me to eat more than 1,000 a day, i promise."
She shook her head and turned away from me. "Just shut up. You're pushing me away; you're just doing it gradually."
"Ana, please," i whispered, putting my hand on her shoulder.
She shrugged me off. "No!" Then, in pure cruelty she said, "You're never going to see your ribs now, you know?"
Tears rolled down my face. "I know..." i murmured. My stomach lurched, far too full of food, and i honestly thought i might throw up.
"Jo, don't let them take me from you," she begged.
"But, Ana i'm not..."
"You are so, dammit! You are!"
I put my head in my hands and sobbed.

*edit: You know that part where i said i might throw up? Well, i did--involuntarily of course because you all know that a) i can't do it voluntarily and b) i'm trying to "get better" for Shaun and everyone else. Here's the bad part... I'm not sure if i'm upset that i threw up or happy about it...


  1. Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. It's hard to know what to do when everyone is screaming something different at you. One thing to remember, though, is that you can definitely still lose weight on 1000 calories a day, especially with a lot of exercise. It might not be as fast as starving, but it's not like you're going to expand like a balloon.

    Thinking of you

  2. Della said everything I would.

    This is the hardest part.
    xoxo Greene

  3. God right now this just hit so damn close to home.

  4. be happy that you still seeme to have a choice. you wouldnt have any if he'd taken control over you completely. cos when she fully has its worse than heroin addiction. you simply cannot quit.

  5. First things first, oh how I have missed you and your blog. Big hugs, it looks like I missed a lot! *hug*

    Della is right though, eating 1,000 calories a day doesn't mean you're going to get bigger. Most normal people would waste away on that much, I think you'll be okay. Ana is a cruel mistress though, I understand completely how you feel.

    Especially the last part. The mixed glee-guilt that comes with vomiting. Oh man.

    Always here for you hun,
    V xx

  6. awe hunny. im sooo soo glad ur trying to recover. so am i because it is putting my boyfriend through so much pain. we can do this together.

  7. Della is right, just excerise and that 1000 cal shouldn't do much harm... Good luck xx