My heart raced as i ran my fingers through my hair. Another huge clump was left in my hand. "Bloody hell, i'm going to be bald," i muttered, staring at all the wads of hair on the shower floor.
"Skinny and bald," Ana corrected, "which is just fine."
I ran my fingers down the ridges of my ribs in back, smiling at every bump, then down the front, once again feeling every single one. "They're lovely," i said to her.
Visions of peanut butter and cookies danced before my eyes, but i abandoned them with no difficulty and turned instead back to the cold water beating down upon me from the shower-head....
And then i woke up to the obnoxious beeping of my alarm clock. I groaned and rolled over to hit the snooze button and realized to my horror that the dream was not reality. I was still fat, fatter than i had been yesterday thanks to my ridiculous lack of control.
"Who can't even have peanut butter without binging? Pathetic!" Ana had said as i stuffed spoonful after calorie-laden spoonful into my greedy mouth.
"At least today will be better," i told myself. "And at least i'm a bit sore from yesterday's workout." Apparently i had spiraled so far into my self destruction that pain was a reward.
"Hunger would be a better reward," Ana said from my bedside.
I smiled weakly at her, the night-time cold medicine still rushing through my system. "5 more minutes then i'll get up and work out."
She laughed and consented, giving me a gentle kiss on the cheek. "Stay strong today," she whispered. "I want to make your dreams come true."