Tuesday, December 29, 2009


My heart raced as i ran my fingers through my hair. Another huge clump was left in my hand. "Bloody hell, i'm going to be bald," i muttered, staring at all the wads of hair on the shower floor.
"Skinny and bald," Ana corrected, "which is just fine."
I ran my fingers down the ridges of my ribs in back, smiling at every bump, then down the front, once again feeling every single one. "They're lovely," i said to her.
Visions of peanut butter and cookies danced before my eyes, but i abandoned them with no difficulty and turned instead back to the cold water beating down upon me from the shower-head....
And then i woke up to the obnoxious beeping of my alarm clock. I groaned and rolled over to hit the snooze button and realized to my horror that the dream was not reality. I was still fat, fatter than i had been yesterday thanks to my ridiculous lack of control.
"Who can't even have peanut butter without binging? Pathetic!" Ana had said as i stuffed spoonful after calorie-laden spoonful into my greedy mouth.
"At least today will be better," i told myself. "And at least i'm a bit sore from yesterday's workout." Apparently i had spiraled so far into my self destruction that pain was a reward.
"Hunger would be a better reward," Ana said from my bedside.
I smiled weakly at her, the night-time cold medicine still rushing through my system. "5 more minutes then i'll get up and work out."
She laughed and consented, giving me a gentle kiss on the cheek. "Stay strong today," she whispered. "I want to make your dreams come true."


  1. Wow, what an amazing post. Don't beat yourself up too hard over yesterday darling, you will be thin someday.

    Read my blog sometime if you get the chance, you always have something good to say :)


  2. ohhh.... Bones..... I'm so jealous...

  3. If you can dream it, you can do it. Hang in there, I believe in you!

  4. peanut butter helps with blasting belly fat in small doses of course

  5. (God, I love peanut butter.)

    Interestingly, hair loss is one thing that doesn't scare me. I already wear wigs all the time, and I've shaved my head in the past, and frequently keep my hair boy-short. Wigs - I strongly recommend them.

  6. Peanut butter is very easy to binge on. I can't have any near me or I know I'll binge : /
    One day your dreams will come true love(except for the hair falling out part lol)!
    I looked through some old posts and that necklace is beautiful! Also, you look like you are making such great progress.
    Stay strong <3