Sunday, December 6, 2009

Hunger, or the Absence Thereof

"I don't know what happened, Ana. I'm so sorry." I'd binged. ABC day 4, 400 Calories, had turned into binge day 1, 990 Calories. "I was doing so good, wasn't even hungry, and then i just fell."
She sighed. "I noticed."
"I had a perfect 400 day planned out, even a little bit under, and then i tried to test myself with making cookies, and it all went down hill..."
She patted my shoulder. "At least you only ate two this time. usually you eat anywhere from 5 to 8." She was trying to be kind, knowing how upset i was about the whole thing, but disappointment still lingered in her voice. "Just start over tomorrow."
I shook my head. "No, i've done 500, 500, 300 so many times i just want to throw up. I'll restart day 4, but i will not restart the entire ABC again. I can't do it," and i began to cry. "My stomach fucking kills. I wasn't even hungry when i binged." I hadn't been hungry in what seemed like forever. Maybe that was my problem; the hunger was my fuel. It was what got me through the day, what spurred me to push on, and i'd lost it somehow. What would i do now?

6 comments:

  1. I start writing a blog about my life with my eating
    disorder and my addiction to fashion. I really need

    readers,
    because in my real life I had no listeners. Alone, yes I

    was
    always alone with my thoughts, in those days I didn't

    care about it.
    Untill I discovered the blogs and learnt how good it can

    feel to have
    readers. Readers, which share the same intress and

    have the same
    feelings after a shitty snack attack.

    Plz, visit me:
    beautiful-lunacy.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've been here. When you get to the point where hunger no longer reminds you of your strength, it's terrible.

    I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your comments. I really, really do. You're a wonderful, wonderful person.

    It'll be ok <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. i think we've all been there. You sound like you have determination, hold on to that. I love you and hope you feel better. Go for a walk or do some exercise. Always helps me

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yea, don't get discouraged. I've been at the same weight for four months! Now, THAT is depressing. All I've been doing is starving during the weeks then eating badly on the weekends. I'm going to try to eat a full three meals for this week, not weigh myself, and then starve the next week. Then, I'll feel hungry, and my metabolism will get going again...absence of hunger is a sign of being in fat storage mode :(

    ReplyDelete
  5. I never binge when I'm hungry, either. I'm always already full. It's like food just sets it off, and I want to stuff myself.

    Stay strong, girl.

    ReplyDelete
  6. we all have those days. usually i will plan out the perfect day, just under my max calorie, and then later in the day ill get extremely hungry.

    ReplyDelete