Results Day

First off, Greene and Ana, i can't comment your blogs. I don't know. Maybe i'm retarded or maybe my computer just doesn't agree with your layouts, but i promise you this: i am always reading, and i love you girls!

Second... i'm not so excited to post pictures today. Can you tell i'm putting it off? Lol. I've gained (thank you, holiday season junk food). However, part of the motivation to get skinny is having to post pictures no matter what has happened during that week. Damn, i should be able to see my ribs... but i covered them up with peanut butter and fudge and cookies and fatness. Ugh. This week is going to be better.

Third, i'm going to start ABC next monday. I'm waiting so long because i still have some new years parties and luncheons and meetings with friends that i gotta get through before that. However, the fact that i'm waiting to start ABC does NOT mean i have to wait to restrict the very best i can. I will be strong through this. Who's with me?

Lastly, the dreaded pictures :(

Dreams

My heart raced as i ran my fingers through my hair. Another huge clump was left in my hand. "Bloody hell, i'm going to be bald," i muttered, staring at all the wads of hair on the shower floor.
"Skinny and bald," Ana corrected, "which is just fine."
I ran my fingers down the ridges of my ribs in back, smiling at every bump, then down the front, once again feeling every single one. "They're lovely," i said to her.
Visions of peanut butter and cookies danced before my eyes, but i abandoned them with no difficulty and turned instead back to the cold water beating down upon me from the shower-head....
And then i woke up to the obnoxious beeping of my alarm clock. I groaned and rolled over to hit the snooze button and realized to my horror that the dream was not reality. I was still fat, fatter than i had been yesterday thanks to my ridiculous lack of control.
"Who can't even have peanut butter without binging? Pathetic!" Ana had said as i stuffed spoonful after calorie-laden spoonful into my greedy mouth.
"At least today will be better," i told myself. "And at least i'm a bit sore from yesterday's workout." Apparently i had spiraled so far into my self destruction that pain was a reward.
"Hunger would be a better reward," Ana said from my bedside.
I smiled weakly at her, the night-time cold medicine still rushing through my system. "5 more minutes then i'll get up and work out."
She laughed and consented, giving me a gentle kiss on the cheek. "Stay strong today," she whispered. "I want to make your dreams come true."

Salt Water Flush

I shuddered and pushed the glass of salt water away from myself. "Ugh, it's disgusting."
Ana shoved it right back at me. "I don't care. You need it; you've got to clear your body out. You're full of all this shit you've been eating. You need to get rid of it, one way or another."
"Can't i just fast?"
"Well you could," she replied mockingly, "but you won't; you don't have the resolve and you won't lie to your beloved Shaun." Was that a hint of jealousy in her voice? Whatever it was, she was right. I closed my eyes and chugged down the disgusting water. "One more glass," she said, filling it up again.
I shook my head. "No, Ana, i can't."
She held it to my mouth. "You Can!"
I took a few swallows and pushed it away. If it had been making me sick to my stomach, i would have gladly obliged; if it had been doing anything destructive at all, it would have been all right, but all it was doing was tasting horrid. "I've gotta stop. Surely half will have some kind of result."
Ana snorted. "You'd better pray so, you weak, pathetic thing."
Two hours passed, then three, then six. Nothing happened. Ana screamed at me that if i'd been strong enough to drink all the water i would have been just fine. My joints screamed at me that they ached from all the salt. My stomach screamed at me that all that salt was making it retain water and bloat like a horrid, fleshy balloon. My eyes screamed at me to just let them cry.
"Tomorrow," Ana commanded, "You're starting ABC with a minimum of 30 minutes of exercise every day."
I didn't argue. My mind did race to Shaun though. What would he say?
"Don't worry about it," Ana said. "Just tell him the truth when he asks what you ate and how much exercise you did. He's not gonna tally up the Calorie count in his head. You'll be just fine."
I nodded. I needed this.

Sorry I Haven't Been Writing In Story Form Much

I just haven't felt very poetic or creative. Anyways, quick update, i just tried the salt water flush... I drank the water anyway... Well, half of it because i simply could NOT drink all of it. Waaay too gross. Do you think it'll work? Have any of you girls tried it? Oh dear i wish we just had laxxies in this house; that'd be so much easier. I promise to post a story later today.

More Tim Burton Thinspo (I Had Far Too Much Fun With That ) :)

Goodness... Why can't this:



happen to me?! Come on, fat mugger, come take my fat!

I suppose i could be happy with not being bony if i could look this amazing:



Do you suppose that'd make Shaun happy? He says i need to find some "healthier" thinspos. She's beautiful and perfect... Yet, i wonder... can you see bones if she's unclothed? Damn, i'm twisted.

Thinspo and Rant

Not going to work today... Feeling sick and depressed... So yesterday all i did was eat... (slight exaggeration, but really not much). I feel like such a fatty. I want to start ABC on Monday... I want to stop eating food... I want my Ana my way back. It's not going to kill me, i swear. Must find a way to make Shaun see that. Oh dear, i hate myself... 3 days of Christmas food is going to kill me wayy faster than Ana ever would.

Here's a random, Tim Burton inspired thinspo for all of you who actually put up with my rants:

Christmas!

Merry Christmas, loves! I hope Santa sticks some skinny in your stockings!

Results Day Again

Here's a quick pic of the necklace Shaun got me for christmas. He says there's more presents to come. Eeep! Lol. I love it; haven't gone anywhere without it since i got it.



Look closely---very, very closely---guys and gals! What do you see?! Ribs? It's not just my imagination and wishful thinking, is it?




Hmmm. I'm still a whale... But perhaps a smaller whale? Is it possible that Shaun was right and i can still lose by eating "a decent amount," according to him, and working out a lot?

Also, i wanted to share something with you, something that's awesome. Snowflakesfallgently left a comment on my one post about having an apple for breakfast. She said that sprinkling cinnamon and ginger on said apple would boost my metabolism. It's delicious! I've discovered that i really like ginger, something i never would have known otherwise. It'd better boost metabolism too, that's two metabolism-boosting spices! Thanks, hun. You all should really try it.

For some reason, i'm in a really good mood today... Don't ask me why. I haven't a clue. Hope you all feel the same. Nothing but raw foods (fruits and veggies) for me today... The bad part about that resolve is that i know it'll get broken when my parents make me have cookies, tonight... Ugh! Stupid, fatty traditions. Stay strong, my lovelies.

Fruit Calories are Still Calories

My hands trembled as i stared at the steaming bowl of oatmeal. Yesterday had been so fantastic; Shaun had relented and given me a "cheat day" on which i could eat (or not eat, rather) whatever i wanted. I'd counted fruit calories (which Jacob had insisted weren't really calories), because god dammit, they are CALORIES, and done just fine on three pieces of fruit and two bowls of cereal, but today... Today i had to try again.
"He never told you that you have to try again today," Ana said, finding the loophole as always.
"It was understood," i replied. "It didn't need to be said."
She shook her head violently. "Oh no it wasn't. Remember, you asked if you could have cheat days--days, plural!--and he said yes. You said that yesterday would be one of them. Nothing was said about today."
I smiled slightly. Maybe she was right... But then i sighed and shook my head. I couldn't be that deceitful with him; it wouldn't be right. "What about a compromise?" i asked.
She raised her eyebrows. "What's that?" she asked.
"I count fruit calories again today, but still go up to 600 at least. Then you both can be happy, yes?" Ah, i loved it when the house was well-stocked with fruit, but my heart sunk when i thought that it still wouldn't make either of them happy. Ana would object to that many calories, and Shaun would object to that little "actual food," since apparently, fruit wasn't food.
Ana rolled her eyes. "Fine," she said, surprising me with her lack of fight, "But you're working out an hour today again."
"Of course," was my reply.

UGH!

Oh i'm a blimp. I've fucking blown up and ballooned out into an enormous blimp. Maybe it's all in my head, i don't know, but i feel so damn fat...



No, no, it's not in my head: look at that picture! IT'S NOT IN MY HEAD; I'M A MILLION TIMES FATTER! I don't want this; i don't want to recover. I want Ana! I want ANA, god dammit! How can i tell Shaun that? How can i make him see? Shit... I'm crying again...

Edit: Steph (and anyone else who cares) my email address is emofreak5@yahoo.com. Feel free to contact me at any time. I love you!

Scrambled-Friggin-Eggs

I stared blankly at the scrambled eggs jumping in the frying pan. "Put cinnamon in them," Ana suggested. "Cinnamon boosts the metabolism."
I nodded and obeyed. It might taste alright, but if not, who really cared? When they had sufficiently browned, I put them into a bowl and grabbed a fork. Then i went to the table and continued blankly staring at the steaming mess that i was supposed to put in my mouth. "You could always throw them out," Ana whispered in my ear.
I shook my head. "Shaun wouldn't like that very much."
"Jo, you've been listening to Shaun for three days now. Just tell him that you messed up today, and listen to me. JUST ONE DAY! Please," she begged.
"Oh, Ana," i murmured. Her words sounded so good. "But what will Shaun say?"
"I've got a prior claim! I've been with you so much longer."
"What about Jacob?"
"I've been with you longer than he has too," Ana stated.
"But you're one person, telling me to do something that a lot of people are telling me not to do."
"Then don't tell anyone."
I raised my eyebrows. "I can't lie to everyone."
"Don't lie... unless you're asked. Even then you can say that you made food without saying you ate it. Don't initiate conversation about food. Come on, Jo, you know the tricks. You know how to hide all this; you've done it before a million times."
I shuddered. I wanted to listen to her so badly... I wanted to do exactly what she said. I wanted to fast and fast. (Apparently nothing is as good for curbing the appetite as being allowed to eat.) I picked up my bowl of now-cold eggs and... took a bite.
Ana shrieked. "What the fuck?!"
It broke my heart, but i took another bite. "I'll work it off, Ana, i promise. I'll do another hour of working out, i swear, but i have to do this. I have to do this for Shaun, and Jacob, and Pastor Pete, and my mom."
A tear rolled down her cheek and splattered all over the shiny surface of the table; my own tear soon joined it.

Tell Me Why.

Why am i the only person i know who sees this:



as beautiful, and this:



as disgusting and not the other way around?

Pushing Her Away

Ana's bony hand left a red mark on my cheek, and i gasped in shock. "You betrayed me! You're trying to push me out of your life!" she hissed through tears.
"No, no, i'm not at all. I still want you, Ana. I still love you. I'm not going to let them take you away completely. I can still exercise as much as you want, and they're never going to get me to eat more than 1,000 a day, i promise."
She shook her head and turned away from me. "Just shut up. You're pushing me away; you're just doing it gradually."
"Ana, please," i whispered, putting my hand on her shoulder.
She shrugged me off. "No!" Then, in pure cruelty she said, "You're never going to see your ribs now, you know?"
Tears rolled down my face. "I know..." i murmured. My stomach lurched, far too full of food, and i honestly thought i might throw up.
"Jo, don't let them take me from you," she begged.
"But, Ana i'm not..."
"You are so, dammit! You are!"
I put my head in my hands and sobbed.

*edit: You know that part where i said i might throw up? Well, i did--involuntarily of course because you all know that a) i can't do it voluntarily and b) i'm trying to "get better" for Shaun and everyone else. Here's the bad part... I'm not sure if i'm upset that i threw up or happy about it...

Arrangements

So here's the deal: I talked to Shaun about the whole issue last night for over an hour. He wants me to gradually work up to 1,000 Calories a day. I don't know if i can do that....so long i've been working at the opposite end of that equation. But he also talked to Jacob, who is one of my very best friends, and i talked to Jacob. Jacob can see both sides of the equation, and he's going to help us both understand the other (because he is an awesome person like that). Right now, i've promised Shaun that i will try to get better. Jacob is going to explain to him that i'm not as sick as he thinks. I've promised Jacob that i'll eat at least 600 Calories a day (sorry, that's so much. UGH!), and he'll explain to Shaun that eating that amount will not hurt me. I'm not leaving Ana, i'm just not letting her control me as severely. Fortunately, they're not monitoring how much i work out, so i can do that as much as my heart desires. I also promised Jacob that i'd stop smoking (you know, before i get addicted). I think it's all going to be ok... I'm just so scared. 600 seems like a lot to be my minimum. Oh dear, Ana, don't be angry with me...
Of course i'll keep blogging and let you know how everything is going. I love you all entirely too much to let go. Ugh. I'm so scared of this.... Please leave me your comments and let me know what you think of the arrangement.

Conflicted

I don't know what to do. Shaun wants me to try to get better. I know he loves me...and i love him... I don't know... I've cried and cried. I'm so confused. It all comes down to this: who do i love more, Shaun or Ana? And i can't choose. Let me die. I can't choose. I can't choose! I want my knife... Shaun has it... I can't cut... I want my knife. I want to make Shaun happy. I want to make myself happy too... i don't know. Oh let me die...

Battle

"Don't you dare!" Ana shrieked.
"No,i can't," i cried.
Shaun had just told me he wanted me to start eating healthily. "You'll be fine; just eat 2,000 Calories a day, 3 meals--" he started.
"Woah, woah, woah! I can't eat 2,000! You're insane. My metabolism is dead; i do that, and i'm going to gain weight like you wouldn't believe."
"Don't try to take her away from me, you bastard," Ana hissed. "You can't take her away. You try that, and i'll have her push you away."
Shaun sighed and let go of my hand. Then he began to expound on the numerous health issues that i knew full well came with Ana.
I tried to listen to him patiently, but the list kept going. "As if i don't know all of that already," i finally interrupted. "Shaun, you don't understand how none of that matters to me."
"You need to eat more," he stated simply.
"Shut the fuck up!" Ana screamed.
"I fucking can't!" I shouted.
"You can so, you're just scared!" he yelled back.
Ana pinched me. "You damn well better be scared of being fat."
I started to cry. "No, i'm not. I've tried to eat normally, and it doesn't work. There is no normal for me, only binging or restricting." I tried to breathe deeply to calm myself. I didn't want him to see me cry... But it didn't work. I was full out sobbing.
We sat in silence, aside from my sobs and the music playing softly through the speakers of my car until finally he reached for my hand again. Ana snarled like a watchful dog when our hands touched, but i accepted him. She put her hand protectively on my shoulder and stayed between us.
"I'm sorry," he finally said. "I didn't mean to be an ass about it."
I shook my head and tried to stop the tears. "You weren't really."
"I just don't want you killing yourself," he murmured.
"She won't kill me," was my reply.
"No, i'll only take care of her," Ana chimed in, kissing my cheek.

Wednesday Update

Ugh... So my stomach's almost ok-ish, but i hate that little bit of pudge (i know you see exactly what i mean). It stays there no matter what i do. It was even there when you could see my ribs. Does anyone else have that problem or know how to fix it? The rest of my body however--just ew! I hate my fat fat arms and my chubby legs... Am i making any progress? Sorry for blinding you all. Stay strong everyone. I love you!

Self Destruct

"Woah, girl, what are you doing?!" Ana cried, not so much in horror as in total shock.
I took a long drag from my cigarette, coughed like a fool, and blew the remaining smoke out my mouth. "Smoking," i said simply.
"Obviously," she rolled her eyes. "But, Jo, you don't smoke," she said in a statement just as obvious. I'd spent my entire life trying to get people i cared about to stop smoking.
"I know... I just wanted to try it."
She shook her head. "Why?"
I shrugged. "I honestly don't know. Maybe it's because self destructive behavior is my goal. I mean, think about it: i listen to you, which a lot of people see as self destructive; i cut, or i used to until Shaun asked me not to and i gave him my knife; i over-exercise and know it; i drink when i can; i enjoy pain... I do a lot of self destructive things."
"I'm not complaining," she reassured. "It is an appetite suppressant. I just never thought i'd see you with a cigarette in your mouth."
"Neither did i... I don't know. It makes me feel pretty bad-ass," i said with a laugh. "Tastes kinda gross though. I want to try menthol next time."
She laughed with me and took her own drag from my cig. "Whatever makes you happy--as long as it's not food, of course--is fine with me."

Greene,

I can't post a comment on your blog, love. I think it's the layout or something. Anyways, i just wanted to tell you that maybe you should tell someone about your depression, just not the full extent of it. I think a therapist or even a doctor who would prescribe an antidepressant might do you some good. Hang in there!

Gala Apple

"That's the tiniest apple i've ever seen," i complained.
"But it's all you need, and it's all you're going to eat," Ana replied with a devilish grin.
"Ana, come on, i can't work out on just an apple."
"Oh yes you can, my skinny little friend. You're strong enough. Besides, you had right around 1000 Calories yesterday; you can feed off those."
I wasn't sure if her words were encouraging or discouraging, but i'd take them nonetheless, for they had come from her mouth. "One apple, all day, again, i promise," i said softly.
"Very good, love." She kissed my cheek and plopped the apple into my outstretched hand. "Chow down; we've got a work-out to do today."

Ups and Downs--Downs Mostly

I'm so goddamned stressed about everything. There's so much shit i have to get done and get bought before christmas. I hate christmas. I hate christmas parties full calories and old people. That's where i have to go today; no choice. No cell phone service there either, so i can't entertain myself that way. Oh and the main course? Only about 3 different types of pasta. Yeah. That won't make you fat or anything. Fuck it; i'm not eating. I don't care what anyone says. I can't eat it. They can't send me to a clinic either because i'm 18, so there! I'm tired of trying to please everyone else; trying to make everyone else like me. From now on, i'm being a bitch--except to you all of course because i love you! I'm going to do what i want because i want it, not because someone else wants me to.
Oh and last night, i got a fucking speeding ticket because i was trying to be home to my over-possessive parents on time. Now i have to pay 109 dollar fine. I don't have 109 dollars... I don't even have fucking 50 dollars. God fucking dammit!
My parents and i can't seem to get along anymore; everything used to be fine, but now... I don't even know what happened. It's just we're always fighting. Maybe its because we're all stressed about the damn holidays. I don't know, but i hate it. All we do is yell.
...Sorry about the rant and the horrid language, everyone... I'm just so pissed/depressed/stressed. Ugh!
On the positive side, all i had all day yesterday was one little apple and a couple sips of Shaun's cappucino, so i am pleased about that.... There was something else good that i wanted to tell you, but i forget. Dammit...
I hate how that works. I can always see the negative side of everything, but not the positive...

Oh, also, check out Jillian Rose! Her blog, Picture Perfect, is amazing. This girl sees beauty in everything, and has made me a whole lot happier than i was before i read it. Read, follow, love her!

Bad Romance--Lady Gaga Thinspo

Have you all seen Lady Gaga's Bad Romance video? For some reason, it's really thinspirational to me. You should definately watch it if you haven't. The words, too, seem to relate to Ana. Does anyone else see that?



Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance

I want your ugly
I want your disease
I want your everything
As long as it's free
I want your love
(Love-love-love I want your love)

I want your drama
The touch of your hand
I want your leather-studded kiss in the sand
I want your love
Love-love-love
I want your love
(Love-love-love I want your love)

You know that I want you
And you know that I need you
I want it bad, your bad romance

I want your love and
I want your revenge
You and me could write a bad romance
(Oh-oh-oh--oh-oooh! )
I want your love and
All your lovers' revenge
You and me could write a bad romance...

I want your horror
I want your design
'Cause you're a criminal
As long as your mine
I want your love
(Love-love-love I want your love-uuhh)

I want your psycho
Your vertigo shtick
Want you in my rear window
Baby you're sick
I want your love
Love-love-love
I want your love
(Love-love-love I want your love)

You know that I want you
('Cause I'm a freak bitch baby! )
And you know that I need you
I want a bad, bad romance...

I want your love and
I want your revenge
I want your love
I don't wanna be friends

Je veux ton amour
Et je veux ton revanche
Je veux ton amour
I don't wanna be friends
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
I don't wanna be friends
(Caught in a bad romance)
I don't wanna be friends
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Want your bad romance
(Caught in a bad romance)
Want your bad romance!

I want your love and
I want your revenge
You and me could write a bad romance
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
I want your love and
All your lovers' revenge
You and me could write a bad romance

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh!
Want your bad romance
(Caught in a bad romance)
Want your bad romance

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh!
Want your bad romance
(Caught in a bad romance)

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance


Anyways...Here's a little bit of a thinspo. Thanks for reading everyone. I love you all!