Thankyou

All your uplifting comments have made me feel so much better. Especially Stephanie. Thank you so much, darling. You even made me smile; ALL of you did! I love you bunches.

Reasons

Here's what my last whiny post was all about: I told you i'd give you the details and reasons, so here they are.

I wake up, and i don't want to. I don't want to be awake, don't want to move, don't want to function. But i have to...
So i get up, get dressed and get into Sherry's car to go to work (because once again, my car is broke down). I'm tired of her bitching, tired of her pointing out what everyone else does wrong, tired of her in general. But she's nice enough to put a roof over my head and give me a ride when my car is down, so i deal with it... and hear her tell me that the man i'm more proud of than anything is "slacking" and should have got up early in the morning to fix the car. I do my best to defend him, but i know she's not listening to my defenses. She's only listening to herself as usual.
Then i get to work and have to fake a smile while i'm there. I have to pretend to be normal and happy, all the while feeling so much inexplainable emotional hurt. Top that off with Sherry (who is also one of my bosses) making me feel as if i don't have a clue what i'm doing as manager (i just got promoted about 2 weeks ago) even though i've told her a million times that i do know. I've done it myself for an entire week now; i've got it down. It just makes me feel helpless:
I mean, think about it, i'm incapable of having the money for my own home; incapable of being a normal person in many regards; incapable of following Ana as i should; and according to her, i'm incapable of doing to paperwork and positioning the crew... and then...
I come home, still feeling helpless, mind you, to see Jacob hurting, and there isn't a damn thing i can do to ease his pain. I really AM weak and helpless, the exact opposite of what i really long to be. To top that all off, i'm so weak and selfishly helpless, that rather than try to focus on him and his hurt, i focus on me and my own and break down crying for an hour and a half. All eyes on me!
Selfish bitch.
But wait, there's more!
On the ride back from work, Sherry planted some odd seed of distrust in my already aching heart. She talks about her past drug usage--don't ask me why, i don't have a fucking clue, but she always talks about it with me. "I don't mean to worry you," she says, "But i think Jacob might be doing something behind your back."
"Don't be ridiculous," i reply. "He doesn't hide anything from me. He tells me absolutely everything. And even if he did hide things, there's no way he could do that; he has nowhere to get the money for it. I have access to all of his money, and he has access to all of mine. We both know exactly where all the money goes."
She shakes her head. "There's been a few times when mike and i have just watched him and thought he's on something. You've gotta admit, the other night when i mentioned this to you before, he was definitely acting weird."
I shrug. "He just wanted to sleep because he didn't sleep much the night before. He wouldn't do that to me," i say, but my brain argues with itself. Should i talk to him about it? no, i know better than to think he'd do that. that's just dumb... i don't know...
When i first walk through the door,that's still on my mind. I watch him suspiciously (how awful! I should be so much more trusting of the one i've given my hand in marraige). Is he acting odd? a bit sluggish, but he's just tired. it's late. clumsy... he must be fucked up! and then i find out it's because he's hurting. I overreact to everything; look at that: another sign of stupidity and weakness. What the hell is wrong with me?

So Tired...

But i slept plenty last night. I'm so tired... and i think that's just because i'm tired of life. There's so much drama in this household. Constant anger and screaming. I hate it. I can't be around it; it makes me want to cut so fucking bad. Last night i cried for an hour or more. God, i want to cut!
I wish i was exaggerating when i tell you that i'm seriously considering selling myself on the street corner so we can have our own place to live... but i'm not. If Jacob didn't have a problem with it, i really would do just that.
Fuck my life. Fuck it. I don't know how to deal with it.
I'm fat on top of all of that, and i don't know how to fix it right now. I'm just going to try to get through the damn holiday in one piece, and then i really will tear myself apart with Ana's help.
But for now, just fuck it all...
I promise i'll give you a full update as to why i'm feeling this way sometime soon... I'm sorry. This is such a shitty, whiny post. I'm sorry, loves.

All Apologies

I'm so sorry, darlings.... I have no excuse whatsoever for not catching up on all of your blogs, for not commenting on all of your blogs, for not reading all of your most recent posts, and then for not staying caught up on all of your blogs. I've just been so down in the dumps, and i feel overwhelmed by all the catching up i have to do here. Then my ADD kicks in, and as a horrible person, i say, i can't.... I'm so sorry everyone. I really do still love you, i promise. And i always will, i promise.

Ana Sang This Song to Me

Skin & Bones by Romance on a Rocketship

I know i'm nothing but skin and bones
But i sure think you're beautiful
With your long, long hair
And your big blue eyes
I'm thinkin' bout makin' you mine tonight (2x)

Hush your lips
Cuz i'm about to speak up.
If i talk real slow, do you think you can keep up
With me this time,
Or am i our of line?
I'm tryin' to be a gentleman,
So please don't make me ask again.
Yeah, i got a lot of nerve comin' after you,
But you're the only thing that's on my mind,
So what's a boy to do?
So let me keep this short and sweet:
You're the prettiest thing that i ever did see.

I know i'm nothing but skin and bones
But i sure think you're beautiful
With your long, long hair
And your big blue eyes
I'm thinkin' bout makin' you mine tonight (2x)

Don't let me go if i'm dangling
High above the world where the angels sing.
Back it up;
Let's turn this train around.
Let's get this party hoppin'
Till we're shakin' the ground.
When the ground starts shaking,
I'll be there to hold you tight;
Don't worry bout a thing
Cuz everything'll be alright.
Let me keep this short and sweet:
There's not a lot i wouldn't do to sweep you off your feet.

I know i'm nothing but skin and bones
But i sure think you're beautiful
With your long, long hair
And your big blue eyes
I'm thinkin' bout makin' you mine tonight (2x)

Don't let me go,
Baby, please don't let me go..


I smiled and danced while she sang. I'm not sure if i believe that she thinks i'm beautiful; i certainly don't see it, but for a moment, i almost did see it, and i felt lovely. She smiled and hugged me. "You are beautiful," she said softly as she kissed my forehead. "Don't think you're not. I'm just trying to help you become even more beautiful."
I nodded. Perhaps i understood. "Do you love me?" i asked.
She nodded. "More than you could ever imagine," was her reply. "And you're doing better than you think you're doing. You only eat one small meal a day; that's impressive. People think you never eat--even more impressive. Hang in there. Once you begin to work out again, you'll be nothing but skin and bones too."
My smile took up my entire face, and my hug tightly squeezed her prominent bones. I believed her, and for the first time in a long time, i was happy again.

What can i do?

I'm going to talk to my mom about paying for me to see a doctor about my depression. I don't know why it's here, but it won't go away. I slept until 2PM today because i couldn't bear the thought of getting up. Help me....

It's Okay

If i say it enough, maybe i'll believe it: It's OK. I'm just tired. Little pointless things make me cry (or want to; i'm too stubborn to actually let the tears come). Yesterday i woke wanting to cut, and that longing stayed with me all day. It's still there today, just more subtle. The crazy part is that i have no idea why. I mean, sure, i'm tired of not having my own house to live in, and i'm tired of being fat (even though that's my own dumb fault), but that's no excuse for being so emotional and dumb like i am right now. Everything either pisses me off or makes me want to hide away and cry. I don't know what the hell to do. BUT IT'S OK! Saying that will help.... right?

Quickie

You all always make me smile. All of my fellow American anas, good luck with the Thanksgiving feast... Try not to push yourselves too hard or punish yourselves; one day slightly off your diet won't ruin everything, regardless of what Ana tries to tell you. Hang in there; stay strong, and just for one day, believe that you are beautiful. I love you all so much; hopefully i'll fully update soon. XOXO

Hi... It's been so long. I miss you all so much, but it's hard to update when i don't even know where i'm spending the night. I've found a place to stay for a while now, and i know i'll be able to stay as long as i need to until Jacob and i get on our feet financially, but... she has two little girls, and they're so curious. I don't want them to find out about this and acquire Ana for themselves, so i've got to be careful and make sure that no one but Jacob and i are here when i do update. It sucks... but i'm here and updating, so that's a plus.
I've gained... Don't want to talk about it. I'm disgusting... and i don't even know where to begin to fix it, so i'm just gonna leave that out.
I saw a girl working at a gas station... she was skinny and lovely. She looked at me as if she knew me and smiled. I looked away quickly. Then when we went up to pay for our stuff, i noticed her name tag: "Ana". I looked at her in awe, and she smiled at me again. I shyly smiled back then hung my head, knowing that i'd failed Ana many times... Was she our Ana? I didn't know she really existed in the flesh, but the way she looked at me made me believe that she just might. I don't know. Maybe i'm just going crazy.
I've been having so many Ana-related dreams of late. Some are beautiful, and i want to stay in them forever and never wake up, but others are terrifying. Do any of you have those dreams often... or even occasionally?
Also, a shout out to anyone looking for a new blog to follow: Newbie is new here (as the name tells you), and feeling lonely. Swing by http://newbieatlife.blogspot.com/his blog and show some love and follow.

Many Questions and Few Answers

Is it wrong that thinspo pictures don't look skinny to me; they just look normal? Is it wrong that normal people, even normal actresses, don't look normal to me; they just look way too big? Is it wrong that health doesn't sound as appealing to me as thin sickness? Is it wrong that i blame all the problems in my life on my pudge and Ana's punishment for eating? Is my brain all wrong? Or is it just right? That's how Ana wants me to be, isn't it? Is it wrong to follow her?

You Have My Heart

I'm back for now. I should be able to catch up and post more often... because once again we've had to move. Jacob's sister stole my ipod and my immature response was to tear down the pictures on her wall and burn them. Yes, it may have been over-reacting, but she's stolen so much from me and the ipod was the last straw. (Fortunately, i got it back though.) Anyway, she was quite upset that i did that and said she was going to go live with her dad. Her mother is mad at Jacob and i for "making her lose her daughter" and doesn't want us staying there anymore. BUT now we're living with his aunt, who has internet access... till we can find our own place. So i'm back.
Anyways, i've been doing truly awful with eating.... stress eating a lot. So i'm not in the mood to update on that failure... sorry.
But i just got here and read all of your comments. I was in a badly depressed mood, and then i read your comments. I LOVE YOU PEOPLE! You made me smile so much, and i feel so much better. Thank you for your love. *hugs*

...hi...

I know i know, i said i was gonna post more often and now i'm not... but we got kicked out of the place we were living for drama that didn't even happen so once again my world is kinda upside down and i've got so much going on. Just know that i haven't forgotten you all and i love you insanely. Jacob can always tell when i get online whether i'm blogging or not because when i am i have a smile. I promise to update you more here sometime soon. Hugs and love to all of you!

Epic Fail... As Usual

Well... Posting more often hasn't exactly happened, now has it? I've just been working so much that once i get back from work, i want to avoid all human contact--not you all, but the people whose houses i'd have to go to to get internet access. I'm sorry. I've been picking up all the extra work hours i could because Jacob no longer has a job (he didn't get fired; he quit because his boss kept not paying him), so i'm the one supporting us until he can find another one. Talk about stress... I don't know how the hell we're paying our rent this month... I don't know how we're buying anything that we actually do need. I mean, i guess that's good on the food front, but then again, not really... because all the food that we can afford is the fattening stuff. Have any of you noticed that healthy food is expensive and unhealthy food is cheap? It sucks... But enough of my whining...
A posative thing that has happened is that Jacob finally bought me a mirror--i know, i know, we couldn't really afford it, but i NEEDED it! So at least i know what i look like now. Not sure if it's good or bad. I'm not as fat as i feel, but i'm not as thin as i wish to be either. I'm that dreaded word: "average" and that's the last thing i want to be... Well, maybe it's better than being fat... but i don't know. I think they're about equal. Oh dear, there i go whining again! I'll stop that now, i promise. You're probably thinking, "Just shut up, stop the crying, and tell us the story now, Jo!" So here it is, the story form part of the post that you all were waiting for.

My hands trembled as i went into the bathroom. I could feel it, something that i should NOT be feeling. "If you weren't such a fat, greedy food whore, you wouldn't be feeling this at all," Ana told me. "If you'd just listen to me and stop eating 'normal' amounts, you'd be fine."
I shook my head. "I know," i whispered shamefully. "Can you hand me that box of tampons?" My period had come back. There was enough fat on my body to bring it back.
Ana rolled her eyes and did as i had asked her with a scronful snarl. "When are you going to start listening to me, and stop listening to your stomach?"
I shrugged. "Now, i hope...."

Sorry... That was short... but my creativity is kind of dead at the moment... I'll try to post more often, and better. I love you all!
Oh! And here's my newest goal: I want to be a skeleton for Halloween, and i really don't mean by a costume.
Here's a poem i randomly wrote one night. Please, don't take it the wrong way; i really am only talking about Ana. I could never cheat on my Jacob with someone else.

What am i doing?
I'm cheating on my true love
With my first love.
I've got to get away from her;
She's wrecking my life.
She slaps, she bites, and keeps me
under a fucking knife.
I've got to leave her,
But i can't because she says she'll die,
And for some reason,
i've got to keep her alive.

Song Lyrics and Ana

I relate this song so much to the way i feel about Ana... I thought i'd share it with you all:

Silverstein-The Ides of March

Tie me up with sheets, and hang me from your tree
I'll stay out here all night, it doesn't even matter
As long as I can see, into your room and feel
Like I'm inside your life, I'll follow you forever

Don't cut me down just yet, I'll make things right again
Don't close your blinds on me, on me...

I will never recover from this
I will never believe in this again
And I can never go back to the way I used to be before this started

The snow won't go away, My nose runs down my face
No one sees me here, It doesn't even matter
And every step I take, I stay in the same place
I can't begin to start again why can't I just be perfect?

I will never recover from this
I will never believe in this again
I can never go back to the way I used to be before this started

I will never recover from this
I will never believe in this again
I can never go back to the way I used to be before this started

You see my ghost and you'll never forget it
My face is as white as the snow that haunts me
Your windows my door and nothing can stop me
Sometimes betrayal can make you happy

Don't cut me down just yet, I'll make things right again
Don't close your blinds on me, on me...

I will never recover from this
I will never believe in this again
I can never go back to the way I used to be before this started

I will never recover from this
I will never believe in this again
I can never go back to the way I used to be before this started

Mirrors and Smoke

Guess what, everyone! I'm back again--that's two days in a row! Well, i'm excited about it. Oh, and i got Jacob to promise me that i'd be able to have computer access at least once a week but closer to every other day. I can update you all and catch up on you and comment and everything again now. Do you know how friggin excited that makes me?! I got 3 comments on my last post and started geeking out just because you all's words make me so happy. I love you all INSANE amounts. Seriously, you make my days much brighter than they would have been without you.
Unfortunately, my update on myself isn't the best this time around... I've definitely got some mental issues... but i'll give you that update in story form.

I'd gone so long without a mirror that would show me my body that i'd forgotten what it looked like, how awful it really was. Sure, Ana reminded me all the time that it was horrid, but Jacob was always telling me that it was beautiful. I'd decided that they both had a prejudice opinnion and that i must be in between the two: just average. But as i wandered into the bathroom at work to clean it while closing down the store, the mirrors caught my eye. They would show me from my hips up! I walked over in front of one and shivered. Did my stomach really look like that or was it just the shirt bugging out and making it look like there was a lot of fat there.
"Don't blame the shirt," Ana whispered in my ear and lifted my shirt . "It's all of your body."
I stared in horror. "I don't eat enough for it to look like that," i said. "And Jacob always tells me i'm beautiful--"
"He's lying, trying to take you from me," Ana told me.
"Jacob wouldn't lie..." i countered, but as i looked at my reflection, i knew that he must be. I look horrible.
"You've got to come back closer to me, Jo," Ana said. "I'll make you skinny, so that you deserve his compliments."
I nodded. "I will," i told her.... but then on the ride home, i binged while driving, C (also known as Compulsive Overeating) whispering in my ear that it was fine. "It doesn't matter; you're fat already," she said.
I cried. This had to stop. I threw the rest of the food out the car window. "Get away from me," i hissed at C. I'm going back to Ana; i swear it!"
C glared at me. "I wanted that food, you dimwit!" she shouted.
"Leave!" i shouted back.
And with one last dirty look, she left. Mia took her place. "Pull over, throw up alongside the road. I know you feel full enough that it'll probably work out just fine. Come on, at least try."
So i did.
"Good job, hunny," she said patting my back and kissing my cheek. "Good job." Then she too was gone.
"Ana!" i screamed. "I need you!"

From Short Update to Gigantic Update

I've missed you all SOOOO insanely much. And so much has happened that i wanted to tell you all about since my last post that i don't even know where to begin, and i'm worried that i'll forget to tell you something important that has happened, but here i go anyway:
I'm married to Jacob! Which is incredible. It really truly is. He's the most understanding, loving, and helpful man i could have ever wished for. We were married on August 24th, as planned, and it was lovely. We both cried, but it was the best kind of tears. It really was wonderful...even though i felt like i was too fat to be in the dress. I couldn't see how i looked good in the dress at all; all i could see was my stomach pushing out in the dress and my icky fat arms uncovered by the tube-top. But honestly, i forgot that once i walked up to say "i do." I really wish i could share some pictures with you, but as it is, i haven't even seen any of them yet. My friend has them all on his camera and hasn't given them to me yet. GRR. But yeah, i promise i eventually will share them with you.
We're no longer living with Brad. He happened to steal about $50 from us... which Jacob had hidden in my underwear drawer which rather creeped us both out and pissed us both off. We would have stayed and put up with that anyway because even that would be better than going back to Jacob's mom's house, but then Brad lost the house, so none of any of us could stay. However, luck was on our side and we didn't have to go back to Jacob's mom's house. Now we're renting the upstairs off an older couple who Jacob had made friends with beforehand, and that's going quite well.
Weight loss... seems to be more weight maintainance at the moment... but then again, i haven't really been trying as hard as i could for a loss. I've been eating more like two or three times a day than one like i should be. :/ I'm going to fix that though. I've got a little black notebook that i keep stashed in my purse that i'm turning into a food journal so i can keep track of what i'm eating rather than just not caring and maintaining, which i would swear is gaining, but Jacob says isn't gaining at all. I swear it's a gain though... really i do.
I guess it's hard for me to tell if i've gained or maintained though, because the only mirror in the house we're living in now shows me nothing but my neck and face, not even my shoulders and arms. It's horrifying to me to not have a clue what i look like. Also, there's no scale anywhere at all, so i can't tell you (or me) what i weigh now, which is another thing that is absolutely terrifying to me. Jacob has promised to buy me a full length mirror...it's just taking forever for that to happen.
Oh, and something happened to me just two days ago that i wanted to share with you all. I was sitting there that evening talking with the woman who owns the house we're renting the upstairs of, and somehow the subject turned to food and eating habits. I told her that i "used to have an eating disorder, but am now more or less recovered" (lies are always laced with truth). She asked more about it and i told her it was kind of like an extrememly mild anorexia. Told her i didn't know why it started, no one had ever called me fat, in fact people always told me i was skinny. Her response to that was "oh, no, you're not too skinny! you look good." I tried to be ok with those words. She said i looked good.... but she'd also told me i wasn't skinny.... and that hurt me like hell, and it's been bothering me ever since. In fact, i think that might be what triggered me to start the food journal up again.
Do you all remember those bruises that were showing up on my legs and freaking me out because i didn't know why or how? (Yes, i'm jumping madly from subject to subject.) Well, i got a lot of comments telling me that it was probably anemia, so i got some iron vitamins and started taking them every day, and the bruising went away, so that must have been the issue... But here's the fucked up part: i want the bruises back, so i stopped taking the vitamins. I miss having bruises all over my legs, and i'm excited for the vitamins' effect to wear off so i get them back... And i have no idea why. I wish i could understand my mind sometimes...
Hmmm.... I'm racking my brain to try to remember if there was anything else i wanted to share with you all.... But i think that might be it for now, so i'll leave you with all of my love and all of my thoughts along with this short little story-form post:

I staggered wearily into the bedroom. An eight hour day of all work and no food had taken quite a toll on me. Ana said taht fact made me weak and pathetic, but i held my head high, simply proud that i'd managed to abstain from food for that long.
Jacob smiled up at me from his place in front of the TV. "Notice anything different?" he asked after kissing me to welcome me back home.
I nodded. "You cleaned the room up. It looks really good."
He nodded proudly, then picked up his controller and resumed his video game. I yawned and made my way downstairs to get a bottle of water--only the water, no food. If i got food, i'd look weak, needy, and god-forbid, human! So i went back to the bedroom with only my water bottle... and snapped...
The bag that i'd bought from modeling school had been in plain sight (in the middle of the floor and very much in the way, sure, but still, easy to find) before i left for work, but now it was gone, and i didn't know where it or its contents were. Somehow, that greatly bothered me. "Where's my bag?" i asked Jacob.
"In the closet," was his reply.
"Why would you put it there before i could even unpack it?! All of my make up is in it and so is my straightener. I need that stuff. It better not have fallen out on the floor," i growled, but didn't bother to check. Instead i went to the dresser to get the cigarettes i'd left on top of it. They were gone. "What the fuck, Jacob?!" i cried. "Why did you smoke my cigarettes? I got them for me! You had your won. Besides, you're supposed to be quitting. How the hell is it quitting to smoke all of your cigarettes and all of mine? What the fuck?!" With that i collapsed on to the bed and started to cry.
My ever-patient husband dropped his game controller and wrapped his arms around me. "Baby, don't cry... I'm sorry. Please don't cry," he crooned. "Tell me what's wrong, sweetheart."
"I need a cigarette," i sobbed, followed by, "and i need a mirror... and my blog... and i really, really need a fucking scale!"
"You're needy as hell," Ana scolded.
"But i NEED it," i whimpered and continued my crying.
What on earth is wrong with me?

Once Again, A Short Update

Oh my dears, i miss you all so much. Honestly, i've shed a few tears just because i miss you all so much. My thoughts and my heart is with you all.
If i had the energy or presence of mind, i'd give you another enormous post to let you know what all's going on with me... but seeing as it's 3 AM and i'm running on only one bowl of cream of wheat for the entire day, i'm feeling exhausted and lightheaded and not altogether here. But just know this: weight loss is going well, exercise is going well, not eating too much is... semi-acceptable, and life outside of Ana's realm is insane! Seriously, everything has been so complicated and upsetting... but it can only get better, right?
Oh, guess what! I'm about to be married!!! One more day and i'll be Jacob's wife. :) Can't wait. I'll definitely post pictures when i get them and can get to a computer where i can post them. I can't wait to show you all that either.
But yeah... i'm off to try to get some sleep now. I love you all intense amounts! Stay strong and keep on doing well.

Short Update

I'm still around... Just not really able to get to internet access much. I miss you all more than anything in the entire world! Leave me comments and tell me what's new with you. I love you very much!
But yeah... I'm still here... still stressing... Life is crap sometimes, but i'm gonna keep my fingers crossed and it should get better soon. I hope.
Hugs and love to all. Your comments on my last post made me smile when i felt like crying before i read them all. You're all dears.

Ginormous Post

Hello there, lovelies. I've got internet access for a few hours thanks to Jacob's friend (mine too, i suppose, even though i just met him not very long ago), so i'm about to write you all a story form post, and update you all on what's going on, and then try my best to get read up on you all's blogs.

The alarm kept beeping. I groaned and rolled over to hit the snooze button for the hundredth time, but the alarm clock wasn't by my bed where it was last time. "What in the world?" i muttered to myself as i groped blindly to find my glasses.
Then i heard Ana giggling. "Come find your alarm clock, Jo," she challenged me.
I shook my head and laughed a little bit; i knew exactly where she and the alarm clock were. I walked into the room that held the treadmill and all of my other workout equipment. Sure enough, there she was, holding the alarm clock as she sat on the stability ball. She smiled at me and turned the alarm off. "You found me quickly," she observed. "How'd you know where i was?"
"Lucky guess," i replied. "I figured you'd be saying it's time to stop being lazy and start using the workout equipment."
"Right on!" she said with a smile. "Treadmill first?"
I nodded my consent and started my pathetic workout. It only lasted for half an hour, but it'd been so long since i'd done any workout, that that half hour wore me out to the point that i thought i'd be sick. When a half hour was up, i begged Ana to let me quit for the day. She consented only under the agreement that i would NOT stop working out on a daily basis.
I agreed, wanting to build up my strength, and somehow, feel strong again. "I'll get there," i promised myself.
Ana hugged me from behind. "Yes, you will. And i'll be there for you every step of the way."

Ok, that's the story form part of this intensely long post. Now for the update on what's going on in my life: Life is kind of crappy at the moment... I mean, i'm glad to be living with Brad. It's much much better than living with Jacob's family, but everything else seems to be going horribly. I'm stressing out like crazy about paying the few bills we have, and Jacob just lost his job simply because they needed to cut back on staff, so i'm the only one bringing in money until he manages to find another job...in this economy where it's impossible to find a job... Yeah, that's a ton of stress. He insisted on ordering my wedding dress last night though, because he knows how much i want it. "I'll make sure it's all ok, i promise." Those are his exact words. I trust him, but it's hard to believe him on that, ya know? I'm just really worried about it...
Also, i've had to wear my glasses because the stupid eye doctor has been on vacation (or something like that, that i couldn't get an appointment to get my contacts.) I thought i had an appointment today, but then they called and cancelled it. Woo-freakin-hoo! I hate my glasses because i can't see as well with them. I know, not a big deal, but it added to my stressing.
We're also completely broke at the moment. Don't even have gas money until i get paid on friday, so guess what i'm doing. Right! I'm worring about running out of gas on my way to work or home. We didn't have money to buy much safe food for me either, so i'm still eating whatever until we somehow get some money to go grocery shopping, so i'm stressing about not eating right... Yeah, i'm being a drama-queen there in many people's eyes, but you all understand, right?
Also, the car is being stupid. It needs a bunch of parts replaced, which is something else we don't have money for. The window doesn't go up anymore, so it's stuck down until we get a new alternator. Lovely in the rain... So yeah, i'm stressing about the car breaking down because there's a bunch of other stuff that needs replaced on it too.
I'm freaking out because i've got a billion bruises (ok, not a billion but.... let me count... 16) covering my legs and i don't have a clue where they came from. Are there any illnesses that can cause bruises to just appear-or appear easily? I'm worried that something's going on there.
My period has skipped a month now as well, and the pregnancy test (actually two of them) came back negative. I mean, i guess that's good as far as showing me that i'm eating little enough, but... Jacob and i do want a child eventually, but i'm afraid to eat enough to get my period to come back and getting fat so i can have that child... i don't know... Stupid worries there, huh?
Anyway, all that stress has led me to a couple of binges.... Peanut butter is something we do have in our house, and ya'll know how i work when i'm around that stuff... so yeah... Life is kinda stressful for me right now, but i'm trying my best to deal with it. It'll get better soon, right? Right? Oh, i hope so.
I need your hugs and love so i'm sending a ton of my hugs and love out to you all! And now i'm off to try to catch up on your blogs. I LOVE YOU!!!

I'm still here, and doing... ok... It's hard for me to get to a computer... and i don't have much time when i do... But i love and miss you all very much. Just know that i'm doing all right and thinking of you all.

Update: I'm Still Here; Going Nowhere

I know... i know... it seems as if i've dropped off the face of the earth these past few days. It feels that way too. Our internet was shut off because we didn't have the money to pay the bill, so i haven't been able to get on here and update my blog or read any of yours for far too long.
But once again, i'm going to be boring and not write in story-form because i'm waaaay too tired. I'm running on 30 minutes of sleep, a pot of coffee, and eight and a half hours of work. It's been quite a long tiring day.
But good news: Jacob and i will be moving out of his mom's house this weekend--without having to pay rent where we're going to be living. We're moving in with our friend Brad who lives alone in a 3 bedroom house and is more than willing to share. Know what that means? I'll be able to work out! And i'll be able to have safe food! And we'll be able to buy our wedding outfits in time to get married on August 24th! So much awesomeness there. I feel insanely blessed to have a friend like Brad.
Oh, and other good news, i'm getting tinier, and i can feel it... Well, i can feel it sometimes. Other times i feel huge... But you all know how that is. Anyways, there's evidence that i really am getting smaller: a pair of pants that i couldn't button a week ago now fit me quite nicely. Here soon, they'll be loose, and i can also see my ribs quite easily. :) Life is good.
Well, now i'm off to catch up reading all of your blogs. I love you all very much! Stay strong, think thin. Give yourselves some love for me.

True Love (to you all)

I love you people so much.

You're comments saved me from having a total breakdown and enormous cut session after that binge. You all are my saving angels.

Marcus, you even managed to make me smile with the first four words of your last comment, and the smile just kept getting bigger as i kept reading. You even passed some of that glorious optimism onto me. Thank you.

Seriously, girls and guys, you're amazing to me. Without you... I'd be nowhere.

Failure Always Follows Success

So.. I woke up this morning and had the house to myself.... We all know what happens when i have the house to myself: binging. I excused it for myself because i'd been doing so very well the past two days, and also i woke up with that feeling like something bad was going to happen, so i drowned the worry coming from that feeling with food. Two PB&J sandwiches, two apple cinnamon rice cakes, and a chicken patty sandwich later, i still wanted more, but was embarrassed that i was using up so much bread. I wanted to hide the binge, of course, and that much less bread later, it was going to be a bit hard. So i skipped the bread and made a sandwich of two slices of cheese with ranch in between (weird as hell, i know). Ugh. I'm a ridiculous, pathetic, fat food-whore. I wish i knew how to purge. I've tried all the different tricks... and none of them work for me. But after failure like that, i don't deserve to get rid of the fat i put on myself; it's a just punishment for my ridiculous weakness.
Oh, and to everyone who disapproves of my blog and Ana, but keeps on reading and trying to shove food down my throat to make me fat under the pretense of caring about me, i'm going to ask you once nicely: just leave.

Progress

I'm gonna start off by showing you all my gorgeous tat again. This picture's a lot better quality than the last one.... just ignore the chub... i wasn't sucking my stomach in when this was taken. icky, i know... Now onto the actual point of this post:

I sat down on the edge of the bed in satisfaction. "Happy?" i smugly asked Ana.
She smiled and laughed a little bit at my childish pleasure. "Actually, i am," she responded.
I kept grinning. "Happy?" i asked Jacob.
He nodded. "I am. You ate once today, and that's all i asked."
"Good," i said, and fell sound asleep after working for eight hours without a 15 second break, but only eating only half of a chicken wrap all day.
It was definitely progress from the multiple meals and snacks i'd been having for the past few days. And i was proud of that progress. Soon, my pants would be even looser, and nothing in this world could be better than that in my mind.

Somebody Save Me from Myself

I don't know what's wrong with me here of late. I've been so bloody moody for no reason. I just get angry at the smallest things, and then the littlest issue will make me break down and cry. You can also make me smile and be insanely happy quite easily.
... And i've been using emotional eating to deal with it much more than i should. Ok, not a lot, just today, but still, that's a lot to me! I just sat there and ate a chicken patty to make Jacob happy. It filled me up perfectly, and there was no more hunger. But then Jacob went to work and i stayed in front of the TV and ate a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and a quarter of a bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos. THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH JUNK FOOD! Especially considering just a couple hours before that i broke down crying because there was no "safe food" in the entire house for me to eat instead of that friggin' chicken patty.
Ana wants to kill me for just doing that... She keeps telling me that i'm fat and ugly and pathetic... And i don't even want to have to admit to Jacob that i ate his junk food stash... I wouldn't be having any of those problems if i'd just kept myself under control on the eating front, so i DO deserve it, but.... UGH!
And, goddammit, i just want more sugary food!
Sorry for the rant.... I'll calm down now and go read your lovely blogs. i'm sure ya'll are doing much better than me. Keep that up, and i'll try to catch up with you on it. I love you.

Tattoo

Hey everyone... Once again, i'm too lazy and tired to put this post in story form, but i figured i'd update you all on how it's going for me. Remember that tattoo i used to have? The heart with a rose through it that looked...pretty much like shit? Well, i got it covered with this raven and rose, which i believe looks AWESOME. Except for the pudge on my stomach... that's not quite so awesome... My one friend said i looked too skinny as soon as she saw this picture, but i've gotta disagree with her on that one. I can't see anything but my fat gut. Ugh.
Anyways, as far as following Ana and making a compromise with Jacob.... Yeah... That's kinda difficult. He said he'd take me to the store to get healthy food, but he hasn't yet. He said he was gonna move the bed in the room we're sharing so i could work out every day, but he hasn't. I guess i'm just gonna have to be demanding of him and nudge him to get those things done if i want them....which, i really really do.
A couple new blogs to check out: The Crazy Rose and Lighter Dreams.
Anyways, i'll have more time to update tomorrow. I hope you're all doing well, staying strong and feeling fabulous. I send you all my love and hugs!

Break Down

"You're fat; you're fat; you're fat," Ana kept chanting in my ear. "You're fat; that skirt doesn't look good on you at all because you're fat. Do you hear me, Jo? FAT!"
I couldn't ignore her, especially seeing that she was absolutely right. With the way Jacob had been making me eat, the bones that had begun to show were once again hidden. My stomach pudge was back; my arms were too big, and my thighs touched at the top. "I know," i whispered. "I want to change it..." But i didn't know how i could change it. Jacob wasn't going to let me eat less. I couldn't work out when i had nowhere to do so, not in the house we were living in. There was nowhere i could go that people wouldn't be able to watch me, which i could have somehow dealt with, but there was also nowhere to go that the kids wouldn't get in the way. How can you work out when there's kids running around you, stealing your equipment and getting in the way?
"What's wrong, sweetheart?" Jacob asked me.
I shook my head. "Nothing." Nothing he wanted to hear anyway...
"Something," he replied. "I can see that something's on your mind. Just tell me, please. I want to make you feel better."
Ana snorted. "All you do is make her feel worse," she snapped at him.
I bit my lip, trying to keep from yelling at her. "Don't mess with my Jacob," i said.
"I just stated a fact."
I rolled my eyes at her and turned to him. "Do you really want to know?" i asked.
He nodded. "Of course, baby-girl."
I was blunt. "All i eat anymore is shit-food. There's no healthiness in any of it. And on top of that, i can't work out because it'd just be impossible. I can feel and see myself gaining weight, and i can't handle it. It's killing me!"
He frowned. "Ok, we can go to the grocery store and get you healthy food. You just have to tell me what you want."
I shook my head. "No, what i want isn't good enough for you. I only want fruit and vegetables and salad, and in your eyes that's not eating enough."
He nodded. "Ok..." he muttered. "We'll do whatever it takes to make you happy... But you have to keep eating at least once a day. That'll be the only thing i require of you. I promise."
My eyes filled with tears. "I can't work out," i said.
"I know..." At least he understood that without me going through a huge explanation. "I'm sorry. We'll have our own place soon, and then you'll be able to."
I only nodded and blinked back the tears. I felt so selfish... but i was tired of waiting...

**Oh, check this out! I'm an addict. :) Thanks to SBB for giving me this awesome award.


Five likes: 1)blogging and reading blogs of course 2)listening to and singing to all different kinds of music 3)hugs! 4)stargazing 5)dressing up and attempting to make myself look pretty
Five dislikes: 1)rude hateful anonymous comments 2)the house i'm living in 3)pretending to be happy just to make the people who see you happy 4)not getting enough sleep 5)food

Jacob and Ana Fight

"Wow, baby, i can see all of your bones!" Jacob said as he massaged my back.
I smiled. "Can you seriously?"
Ana smiled too. "A little bit," she said. "You're looking so great."
Jacob nodded. "Yeah... You need to eat more. Seeing that much bone worries me."
I shook my head violently. "No, hun. It's just because i'm more active! I haven't been eating less, and i still eat one meal a day. Besides, those bones are a good thing; they make me happy."
"I don't know, baby-girl... I'd feel better if you'd eat more," he said.
And from that point on, Jacob kept fighting against Ana's and my wishes concerning food. He didn't go back on his word about only one meal a day, but that meal increased its size quite drastically and lost it's "safe food" qualities. I tried not to fight him, and Ana tried to get me to fight him.
"That man is trying to make you fat," Ana accused.
"No, no, he's just easily worried about me," i replied, but at the same time, i rather believed that what she's said was true, and i sank into a pit of misery from eating too much.

**That pit of misery is where i am right now... I'm so horribly moody and bitchy, and i know it's from eating enough to lose a bit of sight of those bones i was so proud to begin to see again. I must go back to the one SMALL, SAFE meal a day.**

Still Here

I haven't updated in quite a while, i know. And i'm quite sorry. It's just been insanely busy around here of late. I'm still here, and i'm still doing well. I'll give you a better update and catch up on reading and commenting your blogs ASAP, i promise. I love you all VERY VERY much. Once again, your comments made my day.

Tired Again

Sorry, everyone, i'm WAY too worn out to write in story form. I'm not really sure why... I mean, i went to bed around 7:00 last night, but then again, i did keep waking up every hour because Jacob wasn't there. He was working... I expected him home at 1:00 at the very latest, but he didn't get home until 4:00, so when i woke up at 1:00 and he wasn't there, there was no more sleeping for me, just sitting up worrying. It kind of massively pissed me off that he didn't even call me and let me know how late he was going to be, but whatever, i'm not going to whine and cry about the man that has carried me through hard times many times.
...I did end up cutting last night (this morning, rather) around 3:00... I was just so worried about Jacob that i didn't know what to do with myself. It was the only way i could calm down... He was a bit angry when he found that out, but he didn't get as mad as i thought he would. he just made me promise that it'd never happen again. In return, i made him promise never to be that late without warning me again.
Then this morning i woke up at 9:00 to go to work, and worked until 4:00. ...Wow, i'm just telling you all the exact times that i did everything in this post, huh? Lol. Sorry. I ate one hot pocket before i left, but that's all i'm going to eat today so i don't feel too bad about it. Everyone else in this house ate an entire turkey dinner, but i said forget about that. I'm quite proud of myself for it. :)
My weight is at 121.5 now, so i lost half a pound in one day. I'm certainly OK with that. Ana would like it to be more than that of course, but hey, it's still progress, even if it's small, right? And to answer one of the questions i got in my comments, my "secret" to losing the weight as fast as i am is only eating one meal--which usually consists of 500 or less calories--a day (avoiding even that if i can) and being on my feet for at least 5 hours at work. It's pretty brutal sometimes, but others, it seems almost easy to me. Much much easier than eating normally anyways.
I still need some sketches or something for my Ana-tribute tattoo if any of you all are interested. I didn't get any at all yet. :( Please, please send me some at my email (emofreak5@yahoo.com), OK?
I love you all bunches and bunches! Your comments are my motivation for getting through the day sometimes. *hugs and love to all* Stay strong.

Progress

I closed my eyes and stepped onto the scale. "Do i dare look at the number?" i asked Ana.
"It's still a little bit high in my opinion," she replied, "but look for yourself."
I shook my head. "I can't. I'm too scared."
"Oh, you great moron!" she said, rolling her eyes and throwing up her hands. "It's down from what it was yesterday. Stop being so pathetic. Look at it! It's progress."
I opened one eye and looked at Ana. "It's down?"
She nodded. "I was just saying that there's still room for more progress."
I looked down at the scale and choked back an excited little giggle. 122.0 the digital numbers said. Close to two weeks ago, those numbers had said 129.5. I clapped my hands together and let the giggle escape. "It's beautiful!" i said.
She shook her head. "Not yet." Then her face softened a bit, "But you are well on your way to making it beautiful." She threw my work pants to me. "Get dressed or you'll be late."
I nodded and went back to the bedroom where Jacob was still lying in bed to put the pants on. I easily slid the pants over my hips and buttoned them without even sucking my stomach in. Once again, i got excited. Those pants had been far too tight a couple weeks ago when Jacob had bought them for me. "Jacob!" i shrieked. "Look at this!" I pulled at the waistline of the buttoned pants. They stood an inch and a half away from my waist. "They're getting too big!"
He half-smiled, happy to see me so happy. "That's it, girl. You're eating breakfast," he teased me.
I continued smiling and shrugged my shoulders. "Nah, i'll eat when i get home from work like you always make me." I didn't want to eat breakfast, for fear that i'd still want to eat when i came home, thus eating more than once that day and killing the progress.
"And it won't be very much either," Ana said.
I nodded to her, and Jacob nodded to me. All was going quite well.

Dinner... And Then A Mirror

I wanted to eat. Just eat, and not feel bad mentally or physically. Ana told me that a wish like that was only the fat people, but i told her to shut up and asked Jacob if he'd take me to our favorite little cafe to get one of their amazing tasting burgers. Naturally, he was happy to hear that request and took me there right away.
As we sat down at our little table, i took in my surroundings. A very skinny waiter handed us our menus, and asked what we wanted to drink. "Water," i told him, hoping that that would stop Ana's insistent yelling that what i was doing was a bad, bad idea.
"You'll never be as skinny as that man waiting on you if you follow through with this!" she continued. I ignored her and kept watching the people around me. A large woman sat at the table across from ours, eating a nice big plate of cheese-smothered fries. "That's what you're going to look like," Ana hissed in my ear.
An average-sized waitress came over and took our food orders. I went ahead and ordered the hamburger that i'd wanted, along with a small plate of fries that Jacob and i would share. "That waitress is pretty," i told Ana, "and she's not a stick figure."
She shook her head. "Do you know how much better she'd look if she was a stick figure?"
I sighed. She had a good point. "Just let me enjoy this one meal, ok? It's all i'm going to eat today, and i haven't eaten anything like this for over a week."
Once again, she shook her head, but didn't say anything else. I ate in peace, except for the little nagging fear that i was going to become huge from what i was eating... so it really wasn't peace at all. Jacob seemed happy, though, and that helped me to be a bit happier about the unwise decision i had made in eating.
When we got home, Jacob decided he wanted to snuggle. As i lay there in his arms, i couldn't help but wonder... "Do you think i look good enough to ever get a modeling job?" i asked him.
"Of course you do, sweetheart," he replied.
I heard Ana strongly objecting in the background.
"No, you have to be brutally honest. Just as brutally honest as you were about the waiter having an ugly face. Does this body look good enough to go on the pages of a catalog or magazine?"
"No, it doesn't look even close to good enough. It would look a billion times better if you hadn't eaten what you ate today, but even then, the answer is no," Ana told me, using her brutal honesty.
"I was being honest, love," Jacob said. "You are absolutely ravenous, and any catalog or magazine would be making a wonderful choice by putting your beauty on their pages."
"Even after i ate that burger and fries?"
He stood up, helping me get up with him, and let me to stand in front of the mirror. "Look at you. You're perfect."
I stared at my reflection for a minute. All i was wearing was my bra and underwear because it had been to hot to wear more if i was going to be cuddling. So much skin was showing... only skin where there should be bones peeking though... I shook my head and turned away from the mirror. "I'm far from perfect."
Ana nodded in agreement with me, but Jacob kissed my lips and then spun me back around to look in the mirror. He pointed out my hip-bones; he pointed out that my stomach looked fairly toned; he pointed out that my legs looked thinner than they had a month ago. Then he told me, "You are beautiful. I swear it on my life."
I smiled slightly. I could almost believe him.

I Ate... But Does It Count For Anything?

"Did you eat anything other than that chicken patty i made for you yesterday?" It was the first thing Jacob decided to say to me once we were both awake.
I shook my head. "No."
He frowned.
"But i ate something! You said i only had to eat once a day." I didn't like seeing that frown, especially over something that had made me feel strong and smile a little bit.
He sighed. "I know, but i meant eat something that actually counts as eating. One chicken patty is absolutely nothing."
"It's protein... and carbs from the bread it was on..." i told him.
"And a ton of fatness," Ana chimed in.
He didn't hear her. His response was, "Yeah, but it wasn't very much food at all. I'd say about 200 calories. You know it's not good for you to keep going on that little."
"300 calories, at the least!" Ana shouted in his ear, trying to make her presence known.
He swatted the air next to his head as if he'd heard a fly buzzing around. "Will you eat more than that today?" he asked with beautiful pleading eyes.
I sighed, thinking of the 6 lbs i'd managed to lose, worrying that they'd all jump right back onto me if i ate anything at all, but his beautiful face.... I couldn't tell him no. It was nigh unto impossible. "Ok," i said. "You can choose what i eat today, as long as it's only one meal, and not bad for me."
As soon as the words had left my mouth, Ana slapped me. "You'd best make sure that he doesn't give you too much food at that one meal!"
But Jacob smiled, making me smile a little bit. "Hmmm... What if i make you a giant, juicy steak?" he said playfully.
I wrinkled up my nose. "You know i won't eat that. Besides, i've never liked steak."
"You've just never had it made right. One of these days, i'll get you to try a truly good steak."
"Oh no you won't!" Ana snarled.
I rolled my eyes. "Shush, Ana, he's only joking... i think." Then i turned to Jacob, "You're not going to do that today, are you?"
He shook his head. "I don't know for sure. Maybe," he said with a wink. "After all, it's not really bad for you."
"Bad for my mentality," i replied, playfully pushing him off the bed.
He pulled me onto the floor with him. "Fine, not steak today."
Later on, he made me some sort of odd concoction that had fried potatoes, shredded cheese, and a good bit of veggie stew. "You know that'll go right through me, don't you?" i asked him.
"Why?"
"The oil in the potatoes and the cheese. I'm gonna have the runs..."
"Nah," he replied. "You'll be all right."
I simply laughed and ate it, not bothering to argue with him. "Ok." I knew it wasn't going to stay in me...
"At least it'll clean your system out," Ana said, staring banefully at the food.
I nodded and finished it up, running to the bathroom a few hours later with a gentle, "told you so," to Jacob.
He apologized, but i told him not to worry. I was getting used to running to the bathroom to involuntarily lose any sort of food i put into my body.

*I crave peanut butter! How can i stop this craving? I don't want to eat it! It'll only make me want more and more bad foods... like chocolate... Ugh! I want that too! What's wrong with me? How do you all stop your horrid cravings?*

**I have a question for you all. I know that a good bit of you are artistically talented. So would anyone like to draw me a picture for my Ana-Tribute tattoo? I'd like a skeleton, clutching a broken or withered heart that says Ana in pretty lettering on it somewhere. I'd prefer it to be in color, but it doesn't have to be. If you do draw me a picture, please send it to my email address (emofreak5@yahoo.com) and i'll email you back, letting you know if i'm going to use it. Thanks a bundle!**