Sunday, July 18, 2010

Break Down

"You're fat; you're fat; you're fat," Ana kept chanting in my ear. "You're fat; that skirt doesn't look good on you at all because you're fat. Do you hear me, Jo? FAT!"
I couldn't ignore her, especially seeing that she was absolutely right. With the way Jacob had been making me eat, the bones that had begun to show were once again hidden. My stomach pudge was back; my arms were too big, and my thighs touched at the top. "I know," i whispered. "I want to change it..." But i didn't know how i could change it. Jacob wasn't going to let me eat less. I couldn't work out when i had nowhere to do so, not in the house we were living in. There was nowhere i could go that people wouldn't be able to watch me, which i could have somehow dealt with, but there was also nowhere to go that the kids wouldn't get in the way. How can you work out when there's kids running around you, stealing your equipment and getting in the way?
"What's wrong, sweetheart?" Jacob asked me.
I shook my head. "Nothing." Nothing he wanted to hear anyway...
"Something," he replied. "I can see that something's on your mind. Just tell me, please. I want to make you feel better."
Ana snorted. "All you do is make her feel worse," she snapped at him.
I bit my lip, trying to keep from yelling at her. "Don't mess with my Jacob," i said.
"I just stated a fact."
I rolled my eyes at her and turned to him. "Do you really want to know?" i asked.
He nodded. "Of course, baby-girl."
I was blunt. "All i eat anymore is shit-food. There's no healthiness in any of it. And on top of that, i can't work out because it'd just be impossible. I can feel and see myself gaining weight, and i can't handle it. It's killing me!"
He frowned. "Ok, we can go to the grocery store and get you healthy food. You just have to tell me what you want."
I shook my head. "No, what i want isn't good enough for you. I only want fruit and vegetables and salad, and in your eyes that's not eating enough."
He nodded. "Ok..." he muttered. "We'll do whatever it takes to make you happy... But you have to keep eating at least once a day. That'll be the only thing i require of you. I promise."
My eyes filled with tears. "I can't work out," i said.
"I know..." At least he understood that without me going through a huge explanation. "I'm sorry. We'll have our own place soon, and then you'll be able to."
I only nodded and blinked back the tears. I felt so selfish... but i was tired of waiting...

**Oh, check this out! I'm an addict. :) Thanks to SBB for giving me this awesome award.

Five likes: 1)blogging and reading blogs of course 2)listening to and singing to all different kinds of music 3)hugs! 4)stargazing 5)dressing up and attempting to make myself look pretty
Five dislikes: 1)rude hateful anonymous comments 2)the house i'm living in 3)pretending to be happy just to make the people who see you happy 4)not getting enough sleep 5)food


  1. the funny thing about jacob is he reminds me very much of my bryon. all he wants is for me to at least eat something everyday and he doesnt like counting fruits, veggies, or salads. sorry, i just found it interesting how much the two of them are alike in many ways.
    i hope you are able to work out soon. and things will work out soon enough. youll feel like your losing again soon. keep going. youre doing good =]

  2. Keep on going lovely, you are strong and you can do it, you are lying in wait of your time, your moment to shine and it is coming. Through the pain and the food keep going, your time is near, can't you feel it?
    Love x

  3. Again I love your blog please if you have the time give mine a look in. Be strong we are all here for you. to make Jacob feel more relaxed have you thought about going vegan you know make up some legit reason like milking is rape and killing any living thing is wrong.



  4. Okay, my two cents: I'm vegetarian, but if you need to make Jacob happy and stay below, let's say, 500kcals, try to aim fish, or raw meet...

    Not being able to work out often kills me when I'm away fro work. I try to go running as much as possible, but sometimes I stay in places where running simply isn't possible, and then I freak out!!

    Again, I'm really sorry you're feeling so down. Love you lots!!

  5. I've been reading your blog for a long time, and I just wanted to say that you are an amazing writer with quite a story to tell. I totally relate to your constant dialogues with your eating disorder, and I think the way you express that struggle is inspiring. I'd love it if you'd read my new blog, or tell people about it:

    Stay strong and keep posting girlie :)

  6. Stay strong hon! You'll figure it out!
    We're with you =)


    This necklase reminds me of Ana. It should be some death fairy, but the bonest, wings, & graceful pose is still so beautiful.
    Just thought u'd be interest in it :)

  8. You should do some yoga in a quite, private spot. It is easy to find a sequestered area and then go at it for an hour here, an hour there. Do it vigorously and it burns that shit right off. At least that's what I'm hoping will happen ;)
    Stay strong!
    xo E