Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Dinner... And Then A Mirror

I wanted to eat. Just eat, and not feel bad mentally or physically. Ana told me that a wish like that was only the fat people, but i told her to shut up and asked Jacob if he'd take me to our favorite little cafe to get one of their amazing tasting burgers. Naturally, he was happy to hear that request and took me there right away.
As we sat down at our little table, i took in my surroundings. A very skinny waiter handed us our menus, and asked what we wanted to drink. "Water," i told him, hoping that that would stop Ana's insistent yelling that what i was doing was a bad, bad idea.
"You'll never be as skinny as that man waiting on you if you follow through with this!" she continued. I ignored her and kept watching the people around me. A large woman sat at the table across from ours, eating a nice big plate of cheese-smothered fries. "That's what you're going to look like," Ana hissed in my ear.
An average-sized waitress came over and took our food orders. I went ahead and ordered the hamburger that i'd wanted, along with a small plate of fries that Jacob and i would share. "That waitress is pretty," i told Ana, "and she's not a stick figure."
She shook her head. "Do you know how much better she'd look if she was a stick figure?"
I sighed. She had a good point. "Just let me enjoy this one meal, ok? It's all i'm going to eat today, and i haven't eaten anything like this for over a week."
Once again, she shook her head, but didn't say anything else. I ate in peace, except for the little nagging fear that i was going to become huge from what i was eating... so it really wasn't peace at all. Jacob seemed happy, though, and that helped me to be a bit happier about the unwise decision i had made in eating.
When we got home, Jacob decided he wanted to snuggle. As i lay there in his arms, i couldn't help but wonder... "Do you think i look good enough to ever get a modeling job?" i asked him.
"Of course you do, sweetheart," he replied.
I heard Ana strongly objecting in the background.
"No, you have to be brutally honest. Just as brutally honest as you were about the waiter having an ugly face. Does this body look good enough to go on the pages of a catalog or magazine?"
"No, it doesn't look even close to good enough. It would look a billion times better if you hadn't eaten what you ate today, but even then, the answer is no," Ana told me, using her brutal honesty.
"I was being honest, love," Jacob said. "You are absolutely ravenous, and any catalog or magazine would be making a wonderful choice by putting your beauty on their pages."
"Even after i ate that burger and fries?"
He stood up, helping me get up with him, and let me to stand in front of the mirror. "Look at you. You're perfect."
I stared at my reflection for a minute. All i was wearing was my bra and underwear because it had been to hot to wear more if i was going to be cuddling. So much skin was showing... only skin where there should be bones peeking though... I shook my head and turned away from the mirror. "I'm far from perfect."
Ana nodded in agreement with me, but Jacob kissed my lips and then spun me back around to look in the mirror. He pointed out my hip-bones; he pointed out that my stomach looked fairly toned; he pointed out that my legs looked thinner than they had a month ago. Then he told me, "You are beautiful. I swear it on my life."
I smiled slightly. I could almost believe him.


  1. your doing a great job and i'm proud of you for eating that meal with jacob, you made him feel really good and that's important.. it's also important to enjoy yourself EVERY ONES in a while :)

  2. Awwwwwwwwwwww!!!! times a thousand!
    You have a very loving boy, who seems to be a good foil for Ana.
    Hope your self esteem was less damaged than you'd expected from that burger. xxxooo Eva

  3. :) u deserve the burger and fries, dont even worry about it! <3

  4. I think it's really good that you just wanted to enjoy food, just once. And you made your love happy. Don't let it get to you too much, one burger won't make you fat, you know that! Stay strong ;)

  5. jacob is a sweet guy. also, the ones we love, and love us, see us how we could never think of seeing ourselves. idk if they see the true us, or the clouded vision of us, but it always helps the heart to listen to what they view.

    its ok to cheat, we all do it. but just remember the difference between cheating and making a habit of it. i am as guilty as can be when it comes to that :(

    on the brightside, you have hipbones peeking, and a stomach flat.
    i cant say the same, so your one up hun ;)
    stay trong, think posotive, and most importantly; think thin.

  6. It's always hard to choose what is best to say; do you want to hear « I'm so happy you're making some progress! I hope you'll be happy and healthy soon! » or « It's okay honey, everybody slips up every once and a while, you'll get back on track! » ? I can tell you this: you're beautiful. I know I say it ALL THE TIME, but that's only because it's true, and I won't stop until you believe me. Until you believe US, because a lot of the girls here agree with me. I can tell you you're a wonderful, caring person, and that Jacob is lucky to have you. I can say I love you forever, and I'm always there if you need to chat.

    I'm having some trouble lately, but I'll get better soon, I always do. I'm sorry I sort of disappeared for a while..

    Love you bigger than the sky! Honestly.

  7. and i recommend to you: 'how to look good naked'
    a british tv series about body confidence. there won't be anyone on i looking even remotely as good as you... but it's still fun to watch. :)

  8. You're boyfriend is awesome. You so deserve him, and he so deserves you! Enjoy eachother, and don't let ana's miserable ass stand in the way! She is a bitch. You know it, and I know it. Ignore her and live your life. Because you deserve it. *Lots of hugs and lots of love* <3 <3 <3

    You're boyfriend is right. Any magazine or catalog would be lucky to have someone as beautiful as you! Remember that and hold your head up high when battling that demon girl!

  9. you soo deserved a free day after how great youve been doing. and besides , at least it wasnt a huge pasta dish or an entire pizza (like i would have done lol).
    stay strong hun, youve come so far already

  10. I'm so glad you went out and had a meal with him <3
    You are gorgeouss!! And you need food for your bodys to just function so knowing that you're body was burning calories so you probably had negative calories! :) just think about that!!