Saturday, July 3, 2010

I Ate... But Does It Count For Anything?

"Did you eat anything other than that chicken patty i made for you yesterday?" It was the first thing Jacob decided to say to me once we were both awake.
I shook my head. "No."
He frowned.
"But i ate something! You said i only had to eat once a day." I didn't like seeing that frown, especially over something that had made me feel strong and smile a little bit.
He sighed. "I know, but i meant eat something that actually counts as eating. One chicken patty is absolutely nothing."
"It's protein... and carbs from the bread it was on..." i told him.
"And a ton of fatness," Ana chimed in.
He didn't hear her. His response was, "Yeah, but it wasn't very much food at all. I'd say about 200 calories. You know it's not good for you to keep going on that little."
"300 calories, at the least!" Ana shouted in his ear, trying to make her presence known.
He swatted the air next to his head as if he'd heard a fly buzzing around. "Will you eat more than that today?" he asked with beautiful pleading eyes.
I sighed, thinking of the 6 lbs i'd managed to lose, worrying that they'd all jump right back onto me if i ate anything at all, but his beautiful face.... I couldn't tell him no. It was nigh unto impossible. "Ok," i said. "You can choose what i eat today, as long as it's only one meal, and not bad for me."
As soon as the words had left my mouth, Ana slapped me. "You'd best make sure that he doesn't give you too much food at that one meal!"
But Jacob smiled, making me smile a little bit. "Hmmm... What if i make you a giant, juicy steak?" he said playfully.
I wrinkled up my nose. "You know i won't eat that. Besides, i've never liked steak."
"You've just never had it made right. One of these days, i'll get you to try a truly good steak."
"Oh no you won't!" Ana snarled.
I rolled my eyes. "Shush, Ana, he's only joking... i think." Then i turned to Jacob, "You're not going to do that today, are you?"
He shook his head. "I don't know for sure. Maybe," he said with a wink. "After all, it's not really bad for you."
"Bad for my mentality," i replied, playfully pushing him off the bed.
He pulled me onto the floor with him. "Fine, not steak today."
Later on, he made me some sort of odd concoction that had fried potatoes, shredded cheese, and a good bit of veggie stew. "You know that'll go right through me, don't you?" i asked him.
"The oil in the potatoes and the cheese. I'm gonna have the runs..."
"Nah," he replied. "You'll be all right."
I simply laughed and ate it, not bothering to argue with him. "Ok." I knew it wasn't going to stay in me...
"At least it'll clean your system out," Ana said, staring banefully at the food.
I nodded and finished it up, running to the bathroom a few hours later with a gentle, "told you so," to Jacob.
He apologized, but i told him not to worry. I was getting used to running to the bathroom to involuntarily lose any sort of food i put into my body.

*I crave peanut butter! How can i stop this craving? I don't want to eat it! It'll only make me want more and more bad foods... like chocolate... Ugh! I want that too! What's wrong with me? How do you all stop your horrid cravings?*

**I have a question for you all. I know that a good bit of you are artistically talented. So would anyone like to draw me a picture for my Ana-Tribute tattoo? I'd like a skeleton, clutching a broken or withered heart that says Ana in pretty lettering on it somewhere. I'd prefer it to be in color, but it doesn't have to be. If you do draw me a picture, please send it to my email address ( and i'll email you back, letting you know if i'm going to use it. Thanks a bundle!**


  1. Eeeewwww. Steak is gross. I don't see what the huge deal is--people are like "omg steak! red meat with a billion calories! to top it off, let's make it cost $80!" I just can't understand what I don't appreciate I guess....

    I'd love to design your tattoo, wow! That's a really neat idea for one, too. I'll definitely email my idea to you as soon as I get use of the good computer in this house. :)

    <3 love * hope * dreams ~

  2. I am back! Hmmmmm, I can see that your deal with Jacob is already getting a little hazy; clearly you don't have the same idea or what a meal is.

    I missed writing to you while I was gone! I kept thinking about things I could post, and wondering how you were doing.

    I really wish I could draw something beautiful for you honey, but artistically-speaking, and really in life in general, I have no talent whatsoever. It's still a brilliant idea though.

    Love you bigger than the sky! I might email you soon, if I ever remember what it is I wanted to tell you. Drats... I forget.

  3. You seem to be Doing really well balancing Ana and Jacob so congtrats :) as for cravings I eat chocolate chips lol. Like 3 of the little things and I don't want it anymore. Idk if that'd work cuz I have a friend who eats one and just keeps going so... Yeah. :)

  4. this story speaks to me so much. i had no idea that our eating habits gave others the runs also! heh, i dont feel so scared now:)

    one thing that helps me neglect my cravings for something i know will taste delicious, is i try my hardest to fool myself into thinking it will taste disgusting. reminding myself its more fat im adding unto my body, and remember the way i will feel after i do eat it. the guilt, the loss of self-control, the sadness of temptation getting the better off me.
    if i repeat that enough, the crave subsides.

    on another note, i will try an come up with a decent tattoo design, but idk when i will have it ready by. i will keep you posted on that.

  5. I don't think it's a good idea to write Ana on your skin. Tattoos are for a very long time and would you not wish you stopped thinking about her?

  6. Ugh... I hate it when people try to convince me to eat things. Sometimes I'm so glad to be vegetarian! I know what you mean about the peanut butter... sometimes I think I'm doing so well, and I'm pleased with it all, but then I have to go and ruin it all by pigging out on something like chocolate... And trust me, I hate purging - atarving is just so much better, and easier, and more rewarding. One thing I've heard about is wearing a rubber band around your wrist and snapping it when you want to eat something bad, but I'm not totally sure if it works. I guess that you just have to keep busy, or if you absolutely can't forget about it, at least wait until a set time before giving in. Of course I find that reading pro-ana blogs like this one always helps as well.
    I recently had a REALLY weird dream about ana - do you ever have any? It involved a dance studio with mirrors everywhere, which led into a theatre, and all the people around me were turning into skeletons - scary.
    Hope you're ok,
    Esme x

  7. Hey Jo! I've been reading your blog for a very long time, struggling with my own weight loss, but I am not Pro-Ana, and I do not have an ED. But, I just recently starting officially "following" it. I do not support your eating disorder. I think that you are a very beautiful girl, and I wish you could realize that. But, I also think that everybody has the right of free speech, and I do really enjoy reading your blog. I just hope someday you'll right about "recovery." :) Maybe not yet, though.
    Read my blog! Some of it is a bit boring, I will admit, but some of it isn't.

  8. hmmm...interesting idea for a tattoo. I might send you a sketch. But you're only 19, right? Tattoos are permanent. And I wonder how your boy would think of it.

    But if you want the Ana tattoo do you want it to seem happy or sad?

  9. Hi sweetie
    I'm really proud about your fast! Congrats!!!
    But I won't draw anything, because I suck badly at drawing LOL

    Again, when Jacob asks you to eat, why don't you negotiate on salad or grilled chicken? Avoid potatoes and bread!!


  10. I'll try to draw up a picture for you :) or at least do some photoshop stuff. Don't hate me, but I agree with Jacob. Why? Because I think if you don't switch up the intake your metabolism will slow down too much.

    I don't know how to control the PB craving. All I know is I binged and purged enough from that shit that i rarely want PB and if I ever do eat it, I can't eat it plain. I would try getting an organic PB or Almond butter. That really helped me back in the day of my crazy obsessions with PB. The Natural ones aren't as sweet, and so I was less likely to keep eating because I was satisfied, but because it wasn't full of sugar my body didn't want as much.

    How do you control sugar cravings? Here are a few things I do:

    1) drink a glass of water
    2) think about it
    3) eat some fruit or berries(berries have natural sweetner in it which takes care of my cravings!)
    4) eat a real fruit popsicle(the "sugar free" kinds are only 15 cals, and the normal ones are only 30 cals)
    5) go work out
    6) eat a pudding(oh man I crave a pudding right now!!)

    Good luck hun.

  11. Samantha, to answer some of your questions, i am only 19, but i'm well aware that tattoos are permanant... I have a huge one on my side already, and i have many plans for many more. Jacob's alright with the tribute to ana. He sees that it's a huge part of who i am, and he loves tattoos in general. We're going to be the ink-covered couple if we have our way. Lol. I'd prefer to have it seem sad though. The ED isn't the most fun thing, ya know?

  12. Just letting you know I'm still with you and that I will miss your blog when I'm away in China for the next 5 weeks. Can't wait to catch up on your journey though. Give yourself a big hug, you're doing great.

  13. i love tattoos! you should see the post i put up with all my tattoos .. i cant remember when i did it though.. lol
    my fiance wants to get "Born Alone Die Alone" on his arms, i dont want him to though because im afraid people will think hes a morbid freakezoid when hes really this gentle sweet soul- but his mom used to say that to him all the time.. so it stuck with him i guess..

    pb cravings are killer for me. my jar of almond butter is sitting right in front of me and i want to toss it out the window, but i wont.. lol
    oh yea, if you send me your address i will send you some of the justins nut butter squeeze packs to try. speaking of PB cravings.. lol the packs are 190 calories a piece, that i think would get you through an afternoon at wendys with no problems at all!

  14. Yo, just go vegan! That'll teach him, haha. Suchhhh a good excuse.
    I'm Eva, I just started following your blog. I'm brand new in this area of the internet but have been struggling with EDNOS-type eating issues for years...hoping this lovely community of beauties will help me sort things out.
    xxxooo Eva

  15. I agree, steak is overrated... It's nice to know that someone else hears Ana too. She's always with me, yelling at me. Most of the time I'm happy to have her motivate me though...I do like her...*sighs wistfully* If mum askes I had tea tonight ;)