Loves of My Life

"I love Jacob," Ana giggled.
I wrapped my arms around her. "Me too," i said, picking up her weightless body and twirling her around. "And i love you!"
She laughed again. "Put me down, you goose!"
I obeyed with a laugh. "But why is it you say you love my love?" i asked her.
"I talked with him last night," she replied. "He doesn't want to change you at all, and he doesn't want to take me away because i'm a part of who you are. He loves me simply because i'm part of you."
I smiled at her. "I know that."
She nodded. "Yes, but do you also know that he's alright with just how little you eat? I've told him how little you eat, and how little i'd want you to eat, and he said that as long as it's not making you sick or anything, he's perfectly fine with it. Now, you and i both know that a bit less food wouldn't hurt you in the very least. You'd still be perfectly healthy."
"I'm ready to try ABC again," i said suddenly.
She raised her eyebrows. "Are you sure?"
I nodded vigorously. "Of course. I'm not afraid to fail; i'm not afraid of someone trying to 'fix' me. I'm not afraid of anything anymore. In fact, i'm excited to begin."
She wrapped her bony arms around me. "Wonderful, sweetie. Absolutely wonderful!"

*Here's some pictures of the loves of my life for all of you lovely folks who read my blog (if i could post a picture of all of you here, i would, because i love you too so very much):
Ana

and Jacob

Jacob and Ana

Wow. Yesterday was the best day ever.
Jacob and i spent all day together. I got my first kiss from him and he couldn't get enough kisses from me. Lol. It was so beautiful. The best part was the obvious innocence and love behind the kisses. I know he's not just trying to get into my pants like most guys. His sister loves me, and wants me to move in. I love her too. Lol. I've spent all my life looking for a love like i've found with him. It's incredible beyond worlds. He told me he wants to marry me (already!), and it didn't even freak me out. It's what i want too. Oh, my dears, i'm so in love with this man!
On to Ana news. I ate around 1000 Calories yesterday, but i'm not upset about it. I haven't really been counting the past few days; i've just been avoiding food. Eating maybe once a day. I'm pretty much always hungry so that's a good sign, right? I'm still fat though... but i think i might be bloated because my period might be coming? I dunno. i don't really pay attention to when that shows up; it just does. I've been having cramps though.
Jacob is massively thinspirational too. Whenever i hug him i can feel the bones in his back, and i can feel his ribs if i run my hands down his sides. (He showed me that because he knows how pretty i think ribs are.) He love hipbones, so i've gotta get mine showing for him! :) Also, he had dinner with my family, and ate just as strangely (in their eyes) as i do. My mom made macaroni and cheese, creamed corn, and hot sausage sandwiches. I don't eat pork. It's just not an option, so all i ate was a lot of corn and a bit of mac n cheese. He did the exact same thing! It's great to have someone who eats as little as me and doesn't yell at me for it. He and Ana shall get along splendidly.
I love you all soooo much!!! I PROMISE i'm off to read and comment on all your lovely blogs now. Sorry i've been slacking. I love youuuu! :)

Happiness, Yo!

The permanent smile remained on my face as Ana hugged me tight. "You're doing great, sweetheart," she told me.
I returned the hug. "I don't need food or drink when i have his smile."
"He loves you as much as i do." She sounded amazed that anyone could love that much.
I nodded. "Of course he does." I couldn't help but think that i loved him as much as i loved her... but i didn't dare say that because it'd surely make her angry. She could get so jealous at times.
She shrugged. "Whatever, at least it's keeping you from binging and stupid stuff like that."
"It's keeping me from sleep too," i laughed. "I didn't sleep at all last night because i was just too happy."
"You goose," she giggled. "I played a huge part in that too. Don't you know that when you don't eat enough you get insomnia?"
"Oh yeah..." i murmured. I wished i could keep my mind more focused on Ana, but all i could seem to think of was Jacob. Yet at the same time, i loved thinking only of Jacob... I was torn between the two that i loved the most, but it didn't hurt at all. In fact, i was sure that they could co-exist rather happily.

Unattractive But It's Ok

First off, i just wanna say thank you to everyone who left me lovely comments. I love you all so much, and i know you all love me, and that's all that matters, right?!
Shaun update: apparently i'm unattractive. He blocked my number but then talked to me online (confusing, right?) and told me that he just didn't feel attracted to me anymore. So i was like, "well, hello, YOU'RE the reason i gained the weight i'm still working at losing!" Ok, i didn't actually say that, but i really really wanted to. But you know something? I don't give a fuck anymore. It's fine--and i'm not just saying that anymore; it really is fine. If he wants to just drop me like that, then he can. I'll find someone better (and i think i have, but more on that in a minute). He said he tried to make himself like me, but just couldn't... Ugh. Am i really that repulsive? I mean, i know i disgust myself and Ana, but i've just never heard it from someone else's mouth. It kinda hurt, but i'm over it. I'm going to make myself beautiful in my own eyes and in Ana's eyes and then it'll all be alright.
Now, onto the someone better part. I know, i know, "it's so soon; you're such a whore; you just think you need a boy to make you happy." Whatever, shut up, Anonymous commenters. I do realize that it's very soon, but i'm not a whore. You have to understand that this guy would never push me to do anything i'm not ready to do, and sex is the farthest thing from my mind now. I don't think i need a boy to make me happy at all; this one just happened to be there to make me happy. He's always been there for me, and we've always been best friends. You remember the "Jacob" i talked about in previous posts? Yep, it's him. We're so much alike, and we're both hopeless romantics. I've seen how he was with his ex (who i might add dumped him without the courtesy to tell him she was doing so because she wanted to date other people), and he loves exactly the way i do: without holding back. It's beautiful. We talked on Friday, and again on Saturday and he told me that i'm "the only blonde to ever steal his heart". I feel unique. Lol. He's also the one who taught me the "i don't give a fuck" attitude, which rocks my socks. We're not together yet, but he told me he's just gonna wait for me to be ready. This should work. I'm not even worried about it not working. :)
Have a lovely day, ladies (and gents if any are reading). Stay strong, and don't worry, something better is just around the corner.

I'm Sick... And Single

I've got a killer sinus infection, and my head just might explode. The positive side of this is that i can't taste anything, so there's no reason at all to eat.
On top of that, Shaun and i are no longer together. Yesterday, he sent me a text telling me he loves me, but is not ready for a relationship... We all know what that means in reality: he doesn't love me.
"It's fine," has become my automatic response to everyone who says they're sorry or he's stupid for leaving or whatever, but in reality... it's not fine; i'm just trying to convince myself and everyone else that it is.
I'm roasting. I think i have a fever because i'm never, ever hot, but today i'm burning up. The bad thing is, i can't take my hoodie off because my mother is home and this:

is what my arm currently looks like. Personally, i think it's pretty, but i highly doubt my mother would agree.
I hope you all are doing much better than me. Love, love, love to you all!

Not Again...

I stared at the phone. The screen glared right back at me. A message from Shaun: "I can't hang out tonight. I've got to go to town to see about a job."
I sighed. I hadn't seen him in a week. "Can't we hang out afterward?" i sent back.
No answer....
"He just doesn't want to spend time with a fat-ass like you," Ana told me. "Who could blame him either?"
Twelve hours later, Shaun still hadn't called, texted, anything. He'd just totally cut me off. "What did i do?" i asked aloud. "We weren't even fighting."
"I told you, you're too fat," Ana said.
"Shut the fuck up!" i shouted and ran to my car.
I started the engine and went to the nearest Walmart. Razor blades. $1.44. Good enough for me. I paid for them and then proceeded to draw on my arm with them. My arm cried red tears to make up for the clear ones that refused to come out of my eyes.
"Jo," Ana whispered in my ear, "just starve. It'll help."
That's when i realized i hadn't eaten anything all day. "I am," i told her.
"Keep it up."
Tears started to drip from my eyes. "I am."

Stop The Madness

Those who've never experienced it have no idea what it's like: the insatiable hunger...for starvation. The real issue isn't the emptiness you feel; it's that until you figure out that it's hunger you're hungry for, you'll eat everything else that dares to cross your path.
I don't think my body understands food in moderation. It's all or nothing. take one bite, and it goes crazy. "Oh food! Oh carbs! Oh sweets! Let's shovel my face full of them until i look like a balloon." And i DO look like a balloon. I bloat up and get this big binge belly. My arms and legs are always fat, but when i eat, my stomach, the only part of me that is relatively ok-sized, bloats up and gets fat too. My stomach hurts... I can't stop running to the bathroom...
There's only one answer: i must stop eating!

Letter from Ana

Dear Jo,
Don't you see, sweetie? You're ruining yourself! All of this eating has to stop. It's making you depressed, dysfunctional, and worst of all, fat! You're so much happier when you're restricting; i don't know why you forget that every time you see a cheesecake. Please, please stop this eating madness. I just want you to be thin and happy, but you've got to let me help you.
Do you remember the post you did on the Staircase Diet? Why don't you try that? I know, i know, it seems like a lot of Calories starting out, but honestly, anything will be better than what you've been doing. Just try it, dear. Get through the whole thing, and i promise i'll give you some sort of reward at the end, not to mention you'll actually be thinner!
Now what are you doing in front of the computer at this time of day? You're meant to be on the treadmill. Today's day three of the running program (at least you're sticking with that so far). Go on, go on, get dressed and hop onto the treadmill!
All my love,
Ana

Question, Update, Eww...

Ugh. Yesterday went well until dinner time... When my mother decided to make fried chicken and insist that i eat some. Bloody hell! I can't eat fried chicken while on the ABC! I managed to keep my total calorie count around 1200 for the day, but that's so not good enough. I did start the running program though, so as of today, i'm on day 2 of running, but ABC... i'm just not sure. Maybe i'll start off slow and reach for 1000 calories a day. What do you all think?

Post-Valentine's Day

I opened my eyes and stretched, not ready to get out of bed just yet. I rolled over and closed my eyes again, but Ana pounced on me. "Nope," she said perkily. "Up and at 'em!"
I groaned.
"Up,up,up!" she insisted, trying to shake the bed, but failing because she was too light.
I pulled the pillow over my head. "Five more minutes."
"No, you great, dense ox!" she said, laughing as she pulled the pillow out of my hands. "You have to get up now or you'll not have time to work out."
"But i don't want to work out," i whined.
She rolled her eyes and smacked me with the pillow. "Too. Bad." she said, emphasizing each word with a thud of the pillow. "You've gotta do something to make up for yesterday."
Oh yesterday... It'd been horrid. Valentines Day was always horrid, but this year it was supposed to be all right. I wasn't single at least, and i had a boyfriend who really seemed to care. The problem was, it wasn't all right. He was broke, jobless (not his fault, but still...) so buying me anything was rather out of the question. That wouldn't have been a problem if he'd at least sent me a text or called me that morning and told me happy Valentines Day, or even tried to get to see me. But no, i'd heard absolutely nothing from him until 8:30 that evening. By then it was too late; the damage had already been done. 2 pieces of pizza and an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream later, i still felt awful, perhaps even more so.
I sighed and rolled out of bed. "Fine," i said. "I'm up."
She smiled and clapped her hands. "Good. I'm so excited. I'm going to have you restart the running program you dropped last week, and i'm going to have you restart the ABC."
I smiled weakly. "Lovely." But i was really too afraid of failing again to feel that it was lovely at all.

I Fall Apart When I'm Not By Your Side: picture update

Hey, everyone, i still feel to shitty to post anything real... I apologize. Here's some pictures to make up for it: (don't worry, they're not real tears... cuz i find it really hard to actually cry.)





And here's why i still feel like shit: cuz i still look like shit, but i'm too much of a shit to do shit about it! (Um yeah... i like the word shit tonight.

Last night, i actually cried as i was driving away from Shaun's house because i really really didn't want to leave him. I never cry; i don't know what's wrong with me. That was pathetic... I don't know why i'm telling you that, but yeah.
Love to you all, even those of you who hate me.

Success--Finally!

I stared at the cookies on the shelf at Wal-mart. They looked wonderful... I could buy a package, and just eat two or three... or the whole thing. A lady turned down the aisle pushing her cart. I smiled and said a nervous "hi," embarrassed to be caught looking at the fat food. Then i sneaked off to drool over the cupcakes.
"What sort of stupid place puts cupcakes in the middle of everything so everyone can see you looking at them?" i muttered, casually walking by the cupcakes five or six times and looking at them out the corner of my eye.
"What sort of stupid person walks past the cupcakes a dozen times so no one will see them looking at them?" Ana countered. "Move along, now, Jo."
I bit my lip. My hand reached for the five-dollar pack of cupcakes, but just at that time a super-skinny girl walked past. It might have been my imagination, or she might have watched me carefully just to see if i was going to buy those and stuff them all in my face. Ana smacked my fingers, and i drew them back. "Yes, yes, move along," i murmured, and went over to the make-up and magazine section to buy what i'd come for. I made it safely past the chocolate and through the checkout line with only my foundation, powder, and ELLE magazine (with Kiera Knightley on the cover).
Ana patted my back and congratulated me on my success, but it wasn't over yet. I still had to get gas in my car. There was bound to be lots of food at the gas station. "Don't even think about that, sweetie," Ana told me. "Just get the gas and a bottle of water. You'll be fine." And somehow i was!
I came home, craving sugar, but ignored it and ate chicken and veggies instead. "Good girl," Ana whispered. "Keep this up."
I hoped to God that i could.

Oh, and anonymous--oh wow i spelled it right! Heart attack!--for every one person who hates me, i've got at least one more who loves me. Nightlight posted a special post just for me, but also for you. Check it out, if you would.

Snow

I apologize in advance... This post is yet again, not going to be in story form. I'm feeling so blah and lazy and just generally crappy. I tried to find the energy to write a story-form post, but it just wasn't happening.
Today was the crappiest day ever... I woke up to massive amounts of snow, and i HATE snow. I mean, sure, it's pretty or whatever, but it's so cold and obnoxious that it cancels out the prettiness. I was supposed to go to town, hang out with a friend, and do some shopping for a Valentines day gift for my man, but the roads were too bad and my mom wasn't letting me out of the house. So, what better way to deal with disappointment and boredom than to binge? *Yes, you do sense a massive amount of sarcasm right there* I bloody hate myself and my fat, controlless mouth. I don't even know how many Calories i ate, but i do know that it was too much. I should have known better than to start the day out with peanut butter...
I couldn't sleep at all last night for no reason at all, obviously it wasn't from not eating because, yeah, of course i fucked up the ABC. I always do... But when i finally did get to sleep, what do i dream of? FOOD! Ugh. All kinds of freaking fat food. Well, ok, a lot of it wouldn't necessarily be fat food, but the amounts i ate in my dreams made it fat.
I hate food. Why does it haunt me? Why does it torture me so? It's not fair. My mom used to be so so skinny, and she never even paid attention to nutrition or exercise or anything. It just all came to her naturally. Even now, as she's getting older, she doesn't worry about what she eats, and she's not fat. She's always been totally normal about food, never even dieted in her life... I wish i got the normal end of the gene pool... But nope, i got my grandma's messed up food habits. Lovely...
Sorry about all the whining. I promise i'll post something more enjoyable tomorrow. *massive hugs to all who were patient enough to read all of this crap*

Darling Annonymous,

Ok, I'm sick of your bullshit. If you don't like my blog, then don't read it. Don't keep coming back, and don't keep leaving rude messages. I've put up with it and been nice about it for quite a while, but now it's just fucking annoying.

Too Fat

"Umm, no. Put that dress back in the closet; it does nothing but make your arms look fat." Ana always was brutally honest.
I sighed, took the dress off and reached for a pair of jeans i hadn't worn in a while.
"Nope," she stopped me before i'd even started to put them on. "They give you a muffin-top, remember?"
Now that she mentioned it, i did remember. I tossed them to the floor with all the other clothes Ana and i had decided i was too fat to wear today. "I'll pick them up later," i promised myself, trying my best to ignore the huge pile, and rooted through my closet. I grabbed a t-shirt.
"Too tight; makes you look fat," was Ana's verdict.
"Dammit, Ana, nothing doesn't make me look fat!"
She rolled her eyes. "Oh, i'm sorry," she said in that sarcastic voice she used when she was annoyed by my stupidity. "Maybe if you'd have just listened to me all along instead of being a bingey disgusting pig you'd have a body that looks good in anything."
"Stop it," i shot back. "You're being mean."
"I can do better than that," she said smiling cruelly. "The reason everything makes you look fat is because you are fat. The only answer is to lose weight."
I bit my lip. Her words stung, but i couldn't deny their truth...

*ABC day 1 Food Journal entry:
oatmeal-75
banana-100
yogurt-100
bread-70
total: 345 Calories

**i got a lot of questions about my running program, so i figured the easiest way to answer them all would be to let you see for yourselves. Here's the link.

Tired

It's not even that late and i'm wiped out. I feel like i could just sleep for days... Of course, the fact that i've been eating badly and getting depressed about that doesn't much help...
So here's the plan: i'm going to restart ABC tomorrow, again with Sundays being free days. However, free days are still to stay below 1,000 Calories. Also, if i don't eat all the Calories i'm allowed for one day, i can carry those over onto another day in case i need them. Hopefully this works...
I also found a workout program to ease me back into running. Supposedly by the end of 6 weeks of sticking with it i should be able to run for 30 minutes straight. I've never been able to do that, but i'd surely love to, so i'm kind of excited to start this and see how it works out.
Well, like i said, i'm super tired, so i'm going to go to bed for the night. I promise to write a better post tomorrow. Love you all!

"Fear not at all: my focus shall not fail. I shall not fall, and i shall not despair!"

Focus Shall Not Fail

An amazing song by All That Remains. It's also my new mantra.

I find not distractions live life of single mind
and failure is not inherent for I will have what's mine

I'll struggle and sacrifice should I find value there
I'll not be scorned by failure
I'll not relent

now my conscience shall dictate my way
no more apologies no more mistakes

now solid direction has strengthened my resolve
fear not for consequences

fear not at all my focus shall not fail
I shall not fall and nor shall I despair

fear not at all my focus shall not fail
I shall not fall and nor shall I despair

exist no more distractions exist no more delays
set free from inhibitions set solid on my way

now set forth with purpose and with a strong resolve
fear not for consequences

fear not at all my focus shall not fail
I shall not fall and nor shall I despair

fear not at all my focus shall not fail
I shall not fall and nor shall I despair

Big Surprise--Not

Well, yesterday did NOT go as planned either. I went over to Rita's house and spent some time with her and her sister, Tina. They're both so skinny and pretty. The difference between us is, Tina actually eats normally and stays that way. Rita doesn't eat much though... You can see her bones, and they're beautiful.
But Tina ate some stuff while i was with her and then Rita actually ate a bit too. I was absolutely starving, but refrained form eating up their entire kitchen. I didn't refrain from binging when i got home though. I guess seeing beautiful girls eating makes me think that i can eat too. I don't know. Grrr...
So um anyways... i don't really know what my plan is now. I'll figure it out later when i'm feeling less hate for myself.
It's been a while since i put up some pictures for you all... so i'll do that now, but i'mma hide behind my blanket cuz a)it's cold and b) i'm fat. I hope you're all doing much much better than me.



Ha, i'm such a sterotypical scene-kid in my black shirt with skull-covered shorts and a Nightmare Before Christmas blanket. Lol. How unoriginal.

Mia Mia Mia

"What're you' doing?!" Ana shrieked. "You'll ruin everything. No! Stop! Jo, i'm serious! STOP!"
But i kept putting food in my mouth. My stomach was already full to bursting after that one bowl of cereal but i didn't care. I wanted to taste something. I wanted that peanut butter; i wanted those cookies; i wanted that sandwich; i wanted those hot wings! And i ate all of them, with Ana crying in the corner i'd stuffed her into. When all the food had disappeared, i found my own corner and shut out Ana's sobs with my own. "Stupid, fat, ugly, greedy bitch," i whispered angrily at myself. "I wasn't even hungry, dammit!"
Mia peeked her pretty little face around the door frame. "Jo, honey, can i help in this situation?"
I ran to her and fell into her outstretched arms. "Please," i begged.
Together we made the trip to the toilet. I shoved my finger in my throat. A little gag, nothing more. No matter how hard i tried, i couldn't get anything up even though my stomach felt sick. Mia handed me a toothbrush, and i tried that, but it didn't work either. We rushed to the medicine cabinet, looking in vain for laxatives even though i knew there were none. When we couldn't find any, i fell to my bed, exhausted, emotional, and far too full. "In the morning, i'll be there for you, honey," Mia whispered, and i fell into the oblivion that is sleep.
Mia kept her promise, and was by my side when i awoke. We started a torturous workout at 9:30, and she insisted that we keep going until 12:00. I had to take many breaks and rush for the bathroom as my stomach was hating me every bit as much as my brain for the binge, but i didn't stop. I had to get rid of the food somehow. Ana sat on the couch and moped, watching me sweat. "Fucking idiot," she muttered. "Serves you right."
I had to agree. At 11:40 i collapsed in a pool of sweat and tears and could not be made to move any more. Mia was satisfied enough and left me a parting gift of a kiss on the cheek. "Stay strong," she whispered and was gone.
I looked to Ana for guidance. "What now?" i asked. "Please don't hate me. I still love you."
Her face softened a bit and she said, "I still love you too. Just start on day six of ABC, and stick with it."

Randomness

I love you all so much... like, seriously, you don't even know how very much i do! I would tear out my heart and give it to any or all of you if i could, because that's how much i love you. (Ok, i know that doesn't really make sense, but yeah.. just know that i love you a lot!) Your comments get me through the day, and i just start to bubble over with love whenever i see your lovely personalities in the words you've written on your posts. (Not to be psycho or stalkerish or anything. C'mon! Ya'll know me better than that anyway. Lol.) But seriously I LOVE YOU ALL!
There's a new blogger on the block: tearsnsorrow. Pop by her blog, Ana's Lovely Bones, and show her some love. I'm sure she'd enjoy some more support.
And last, but not least, i'll leave you with a little thinspo (yes, i'm obsessed with ribs) and the lyrics to a very thinspiring (though meant to be otherwise) song: Anorexia by Fakebestfriend.
Flowers, sunshine, and hugs to all!

























Mary-Kate

Kate Moss

Diet pills

Lip gloss



Star Jones

Trim Spa

You can see my bones

"Look Ma!"



Gym club

Big hug

Fat thighs

Coffee mug



Sunken face

Big disgrace

Tummy tuck

What the fuck?



Calories

Diaries

Underground societies



Hollywood refusing to eat

Can't stand up on your own two feet



Paper thin socialite

What should I skip tonight?



Oh my god, I'm fucking scene

Gastro bypass for me



Anorexia isn't the way to happiness

Anorexia isn't the way to go

Anorexia will cut your life much shorter

Anorexia is a mental disorder



Hip bones

Rib cage

Rehab

Teenage



Fasting

Stop trying

Not eating

Then dying



You're selfish

You're homeless

You're hungry

And hopeless



Stupid

Tired

Caffiene

Wired



Web cam journal

Web site circle

Forum secrets

Can you keep it?





Their



Therapy

Cut to bleed

Can't you see

What you did to me



Hair thin

Pathogen

Blamed it on

Fakebestfriend



Society made you fat

Girl, what's the deal with that



Anorexia isn't the way to happiness

Anorexia isn't the way to go

Anorexia will cut your life much shorter

Anorexia is a mental disorder



Gaining power

Every hour

One more pound

I know I can win



Losing battles

Boney rattles

Heart beats skipping

Tears are dripping



Does this hairspray make me look fat?



Mary-Kate

Kate Moss

Diet pills

Lip gloss

Grocery Store

That ranch dressing... I could buy a bottle and just drink the whole thing.
"Do. Not. Make. Eye. Contact. With. Anything. In. This. Store." Ana warned from her position behind me.
My stomach gurgled and i ripped my eyes away from the dressing. "Funny, i don't even like ranch." And that was the truth.
I spotted the olive oil and instantly thought the same thing of it that i had of the ranch. "I could drink that too..."
"And then you'd be miserably sick," was Ana's reply.
I had to agree with her. Besides, that was disgusting. I wanted to fall down and worship the wall of cereal boxes, but instead, i just stood in front of it and stared for far too long.
"Well, at least that's something a bit more normal to want to eat," Ana muttered, taking my shoulders and leading me away from the cereal. "Come on now, keep moving."
I nodded and stepped into the next aisle. "Pancakes!"
"Oh hell no," Ana said. "Come on, we gotta get you out of here."
"I can't," i replied. "I work here."
"Good thing or you'd have robbed the shelves by now," she said sarcastically.
"Where would i go if i could leave?" i asked. "Home to binge? I'd rather stay."
A huge smile spread across her thin face. "Well, well. Now you're beginning to think like me."
I returned the smile. I liked thinking like Ana.

On My Way

The floor rushed at me like a million charging rhinos, and my hand reached out for the wall to steady myself. I shook my head and blinked the black out of my eyes. "Woah," i whispered.
"Jo? Are you all right?" my mom asked from her seat on the couch a few feet away from me.
"Uh oh," Ana said.
I nodded. "Yeah, i'm fine, Mom. The wall just jumped out in front of me. It tends to do that in the mornings when i'm not awake."
She laughed, and i continued back to my room. "That was amazing," i said to Ana. "I've never been so close to passing out."
"You're getting stronger in your weakness," Ana told me with a giggle.
I knew i shouldn't like the sensation of nearly falling over; i knew that the shakiness couldn't be good for me. Yet, it was all so new and amazing. I'd never done so well for so long, and it felt wonderful. Ana's praise and good mood certainly helped as well.... Shaun didn't know, of course. He'd be awfully upset if he did, but that was ok. Some secrets are better kept secret.
"I'm all secrets," Ana had warned me when we'd first met. "I'll make you tell lies and hide things from the ones you love."
"But you'll make me thin?"
"Of course, sweetie. I can make anyone thin."
But so far, she'd only kept the first part of her promise: the secrecy part.
"Those are dark thoughts in your head, sweetie," Ana muttered. "You don't think i'm not going to keep the second part of my promise, do you?"
"No, no," i replied. "I know you will."
She nodded. "You're on your way, dearest."
And i knew i was.


Here's my food log for the past few days of ABC, because you all were so happy with my news that i was on day 3 of it, and i love making ya'll happy :)

Day 1 - salad(110), turkey wrap x 2(200) =310
Day 2 - cereal(220), tangerine(40), chicken(100) =360
Sunday = cheat day
Day 3 - oatmeal(75), yogurt(100) =175

And the best part is, i've been UNDER the limit all three days!

SURPRISE!!!

Sooo today i have a big surprise for you all. Lol. I'm just like a kid trying to please mommy with a surprise! It's stupid, but nonetheless, i think it's awesome...
Anywho, here it is:
I AM ON DAY 3 OF ABC!!!
Ok, ok, i know that's not that great, but you have to realize that it IS me. Failure me, and i've made it to day 3 without messing up.
My new plan is to do the ABC with Sunday's being free days because Sunday is when my parents insist i eat some of the most high calorie pizza in the world! But i'll make sure i never go over 2000 on sundays, which i'll bump down to 1000 eventually.
I'm proud of myself; could you tell? Lol.
Also i want to say thank you to all of you lovely folks who leave me support and comments. I love you all more than words can even say!