Thursday, February 4, 2010

Mia Mia Mia

"What're you' doing?!" Ana shrieked. "You'll ruin everything. No! Stop! Jo, i'm serious! STOP!"
But i kept putting food in my mouth. My stomach was already full to bursting after that one bowl of cereal but i didn't care. I wanted to taste something. I wanted that peanut butter; i wanted those cookies; i wanted that sandwich; i wanted those hot wings! And i ate all of them, with Ana crying in the corner i'd stuffed her into. When all the food had disappeared, i found my own corner and shut out Ana's sobs with my own. "Stupid, fat, ugly, greedy bitch," i whispered angrily at myself. "I wasn't even hungry, dammit!"
Mia peeked her pretty little face around the door frame. "Jo, honey, can i help in this situation?"
I ran to her and fell into her outstretched arms. "Please," i begged.
Together we made the trip to the toilet. I shoved my finger in my throat. A little gag, nothing more. No matter how hard i tried, i couldn't get anything up even though my stomach felt sick. Mia handed me a toothbrush, and i tried that, but it didn't work either. We rushed to the medicine cabinet, looking in vain for laxatives even though i knew there were none. When we couldn't find any, i fell to my bed, exhausted, emotional, and far too full. "In the morning, i'll be there for you, honey," Mia whispered, and i fell into the oblivion that is sleep.
Mia kept her promise, and was by my side when i awoke. We started a torturous workout at 9:30, and she insisted that we keep going until 12:00. I had to take many breaks and rush for the bathroom as my stomach was hating me every bit as much as my brain for the binge, but i didn't stop. I had to get rid of the food somehow. Ana sat on the couch and moped, watching me sweat. "Fucking idiot," she muttered. "Serves you right."
I had to agree. At 11:40 i collapsed in a pool of sweat and tears and could not be made to move any more. Mia was satisfied enough and left me a parting gift of a kiss on the cheek. "Stay strong," she whispered and was gone.
I looked to Ana for guidance. "What now?" i asked. "Please don't hate me. I still love you."
Her face softened a bit and she said, "I still love you too. Just start on day six of ABC, and stick with it."


  1. I'm sorry, beautiful... Crashing is the worst. :/

    But your post is right:
    Just start on day 6, and don't let this be a defeat. If one day counted as an ultimate failure, then none of us would be able to call ourselves Ana OR Mia.

    We've got your back. <3

  2. Aww, good luck tomorrow hun and thank you so much for your comment. :)

  3. awe, you were doing so good too! oh well tomorrow is another day! Fight for tomorrow, forget about today

  4. Ugh, that feeling of scarfing, then not being able to throw up, as you had planned...i know it all too awful. i'm so sorry.
    Take care,