Friday, February 19, 2010

Not Again...

I stared at the phone. The screen glared right back at me. A message from Shaun: "I can't hang out tonight. I've got to go to town to see about a job."
I sighed. I hadn't seen him in a week. "Can't we hang out afterward?" i sent back.
No answer....
"He just doesn't want to spend time with a fat-ass like you," Ana told me. "Who could blame him either?"
Twelve hours later, Shaun still hadn't called, texted, anything. He'd just totally cut me off. "What did i do?" i asked aloud. "We weren't even fighting."
"I told you, you're too fat," Ana said.
"Shut the fuck up!" i shouted and ran to my car.
I started the engine and went to the nearest Walmart. Razor blades. $1.44. Good enough for me. I paid for them and then proceeded to draw on my arm with them. My arm cried red tears to make up for the clear ones that refused to come out of my eyes.
"Jo," Ana whispered in my ear, "just starve. It'll help."
That's when i realized i hadn't eaten anything all day. "I am," i told her.
"Keep it up."
Tears started to drip from my eyes. "I am."


  1. im very sorry, but i totally disagree with your ways. not because you are proana, but because it doesnt work.
    you restart the abc for the 1000th time, yo keep it up mabye for a day, possibly two, then you get hungry and you eat. not eat, you binge.

    and although it looks as it might work, ( the abc ) but lets face it, it isnt for you.
    i would recommend that you eat vegetables, stuff yourself with lettuce and stuff ( negative calories ) so that you FEEL you are full but you just dont get so much calories, as you would get from starving a day and then eating lots of chocholate or something.
    and dont forget, even if you eat like 600 cals or like that, your body burns about 1500 without exercising or moving with breathing and stuff.
    wouldnt it be better, if you eat something healthy ( but low-cal ) and feel full and do that running thing you do and LOSE weight than trying to starve and then end up at the same point?
    and again, im not judging you, i aint against you or ana, im just saying that you wont get any results like this.
    hope you read this and dont get too angry, i wish well. im not a hater.

  2. oh hun im so sorry. i hate it when guys pull away. please be careful. just try to hang in there, im sure he was just busy. he probably doesnt even realize he did anything wrong . guys inevitably always do or say the wrong thing.
    stay strong and safe

  3. I've started hiding blades in my shoes. I don't know why. I feel more comfortable knowing they're there, even though I haven't cut in a week or so.

    (Men are all retarded, I'm starting to think.)

    Stay strong; don't cut too deep.

  4. you poor thing! men can be so unkind! he probably doesnt even realize he's hurt your feelings so much! :(

    Don't cut, love! I wish I could give you lots of hugs!

  5. i really hope you can get through this. i know this feeling all too well,its so heartbreaking.

  6. Oh! And by the way, I have a picture I drew for you, but my scanner's not hooked up. I'll try to send it to you this weekend.

  7. sweetheart:( he isnt like that because ur fat, u really arent.

    maybe... he was busy. if not ill be angry with him

  8. I'm so sorry hon. It will be okay *hugs*. You'll make it through this. Maybe he just isn't worth you, did you ever think about that? Fasting is fine, but please don't cut. It marks your beautiful skin, and doesn't that defeat the purpose of all of this? Please think twice about it <3

  9. I know how you feel.
    I have BDD, and everything anybody does is understood by me as being a reference to my ugliness.
    But I promise you, it's just in your head. That's not what he's thinking at all.

  10. I'm glad you were doing well with food, but hun you know that cutting isnt going to help

  11. Aww hun. I hate when they dont call. I hate it. It's like your best friend is flat out ignoring you and you dont know why and you just wana cry but you cant until that little thing pushes you over the edge.

  12. Hunnn, :(. Don't cut, just use fasting/exercising as a way to cope. Hope you'll feel better soon<3.