"Fuck," i said softly inside the fitting room, staring down at the pants that refused to button because of my thickness. "These should fit! They're a size 3... That's the size i usually get."
Ana rolled her eyes. "They don't fit because you ate lunch and have been doing that and much more for the past several weeks." She threw a size 5 at me. "If you're lucky those will fit you."
I caught the larger pants and tried them on. Even they were tight, but they did button. I sighed. "Should i go with a size larger?" i asked myself.
Ana shook her head violently. "Definitely not. First off, do you really want to tell the lady working here to bring you a larger size?"
I shuddered at the thought. "No."
"Right. And secondly, you are going to work hard and get that size 5 that's tight on you now to be entirely too big. They'll be your thinspiration for the time being."
I nodded. "Ok."
"What size?" Jacob asked me as i emerged from the fitting room.
For the first time ever, i glared at him. "Do NOT ask me that," i hissed, biting my lip to keep the tears from coming.
He looked a bit hurt, and i felt bad. He simply said, "Ok, baby. I'm sorry," and paid for them for me.
As soon as we were out of the store i said, "Do you know what i'm going to do now? I'm going to stop eating again. I can't handle this. I'm growing and growing and growing; it has to stop." Once again, i blinked back the tears.
"No," he said. "You promised me you wouldn't do that."
I felt bad... but Ana was muttering in my ear "you're fat, you're fat, you're fat," so i replied to him with, "I need to!"
"Honey, we can work out every day. I promise to work out with you every day. Just please, eat once a day. Please."
I sighed. He'd made that promise before, and it hadn't happened, but i couldn't not trust him, not with as honest and earnest as he sounded. "We'll try it," i conceded.
"Good enough, i guess," Ana said. "But you'd better make it work, because if you don't lose from this, you're going to stop eating!"
If you only eat once a day and work out every day, you'll definitely start losing weight. Stick to the plan - and if Jacob doesn't feel like working out with you, you can do it on your own. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie..
ReplyDeleteThe fitting room is probably the on thing that can give us big happiness and big delusions, such as the scale... But at least, the scale never lies. The fitting room, well it does sometimes. Sizes are sometimes so random!!!
I'm sure it was just marked size three when it fitted like at least one size smaller.
Be strong lovely!!
Thanks for your lovely comments!
ReplyDeleteOn one hand, I can totally understand you, and that you don't want to eat. I would definately want to do the same! But on the other hand, I can also understand Jacob. I hope you can do this together, working out and stuff...
Stay strong, lovely! :)
Remember, sweetheart, many people would DIE to be a size five! The average American is a 14/16! As far as I'm concerned, you're doing awesome! It's tough to find a balance between everything that's pulling you in your life - you're amazing us all.
ReplyDeleteIn relation to an earlier post of yours: I've never actually been published, of course, but I've done a lot of actual research on it. I'll send you an email about it. Eventually. @_@ I'm so slow!
i had the same thing happen to me this weekend. i literally tried on 21 pairs of jeans(at a used clothing store) before i finally found one that "fit". i didnt realize till i got home that they were a size 5. i think that part of it is that different companies make different sizes. in some places i can fit into a size 1 while in other brands im all the way up to a 5. this is probably what happened to you as well.i wish that they would all use the same size standards when they make jeans! lol its so humiliating when you have to go up in a size and it feels like everyone knows your getting a bigger size.
ReplyDeletestay strong hun, i know you'll push through this.
meg
awe:( there is nothing worse than clothes shopping. i hate it. especially when the pants that are SUPPOSED to be my size are to tight! ugh! i bought a bunch of size 5's that im going to try and get into. ans that is the biggest thinspiration of all!
ReplyDeleteYou said in your last post that you wish you could just eat etc. like a 'normal' person. IF that was truly what you wanted, would you be indulging in this Pro-Ana bullshit right now? Or would you be writing about actually trying to recover and in your case, denying "Ana" what she wants of you?
ReplyDeleteSaying you want to recover and then going on with this blog about "accepting ana", is pure bullshit. Do something about it or don't say it at all.
Sincerely,
A Pro-Recovery recovering Anorexic
it might be how the sizes are sized, and not really you!
ReplyDeleteim all across the board in sizing, 0,2,1,3,5, i have them all and they all fit. *hugs*
Wow!I just had an experince like that!Except it was with my mom and she doesn't know about ana.Anyway good luck darling!I wish I was as thin as you!
ReplyDelete