Tuesday, November 17, 2009

If I Keep Eating Like This, I'm Going to Have to Die

Her pale feet stepped silently through my door; her icy hands grasped my shoulder, nearly making me cry out. "Shhh," she hissed. "It's only me. But if Ana finds out i'm here again, we're both dead."
"No, C..." i whined. "I don't want you here either. I was supposed to restart ABC today; i did so good. I'm way under my Calorie limit. I don't want to go over. I'm already a fat-ass; i don't need to binge and get any fatter."
"Oh come now," she said, waving the ultimate binge food in front of me. "It'll be fun. I brought peanut butter."
I sighed. I'd been so good all day. I'd resisted getting food at Sheetz when i filled up my car with gas; i'd resisted the damn pumpkin whoopie pies at work; i'd resisted the McDonald's drive through. They'd all tempted me, and i'd been strong. Now i was going to throw it all away for a couple spoonfuls of peanut butter? "No, go away."
"No, go away."
"Some veggies?" she mocked.
"No, go away!"
"You can't get rid of me that easy," she said. "Just eat something and i'll let you be then. I promise."
I snatched the peanut butter jar from her hand and dug in. "Happy now?" i said in a frustrated tone.
"Nope, keep going."
Why did anger make me want to binge my fool head off? But it did. I reached for the poptarts when i'd had my fill of peanut butter. I ate and ate until i thought i'd explode. Only then did C leave me and i fell to my bed and slept in a sea of self-hatred.


  1. dont be to hard on yourself, if you can, you should try to go through the house and get rid of all the bad food that no one will miss. peanut butter is one of those things that there isnt really a low cal replacement for. hang in there, one bad day wont ruin everything
    stay strong


  2. Ugh. Peanut butter is a bitch. especially the fake crap people usually buy. Try to make healthier choices..

  3. everyone has there bad days. make your next day even better .

  4. :( pb is high in calories but i builds lots of muscle because of at the protein. so i think u picked a good binge food. dont be hard on yourself. we all sink into a slump.

  5. I know exactly how you feel. It's so irritating, and really humiliating, when you think back on how awesome your day was and then you ruined it. Sometimes, though, a binge gets the best of us...you can do it! Stay strong!

  6. Start again, you know you can make it!! I know it's so frustrating when you do well and there's really no reason in logic to why people binge it just happens, but what we're all working towards is the goal of not bingeing and not eating and being who we want to right?

    Just tell yourself that you don't want to be the kind of person who eats peanut butter.... Make up a stereotype for people who eat peanut butter, give them tons of gross qualities, and get a really disgusting, unappetizing picture of something with peanut butter and other binge foods and the kind of person you designed to like them, then think about that whenever you want to binge. Make certain that you only associate the binge foods with the stereotype person from now on, and I bet you'll never want to touch the stuff again!

    You can always start over, good luck!!! :)

  7. I hear her (Anna) too. :)

    I think you are strong and determined to become "beautiful". Keep going!