Thursday, November 12, 2009


Darkness fell over my little town as i carefully drove home from work, dizziness making me feel high on hunger. "I don't know what i'm going to eat when i get home," i confessed. "I've got 200 Calories left, but i'm in such a bingey mood i'm almost afraid to eat them." I navigated my way past the fast food places and the gas stations with food with a sigh of half-relief, half-disappointment. I so wanted to binge.
"Then don't eat," Ana said simply.
"But i'm hungry," i whined, pulling into my driveway.
"Whatever," Ana said in a frustrated tone. "Eat a half sandwich (110) and an apple (70)."
I nodded. "Ok. I can do that." My mind kept spinning around, trying to find a way to fit in something sweet. Nothing was going to work, so i obediently ate what Ana had told me and went to bed.
But as i lay there, suffering in insomnia, C came crawling into my room on her chubby little hands and knees. "Pssst, Jo!" she whispered. "You know if you're hungry, you should totally eat. It's what people do!"
I ignored her and turned over onto my other side, but she was not willing to be ignored.
She flipped the light on, blinding me. "Jo, you can't go on with this little food. You were dizzy earlier, and you couldn't stand up too fast or everything went black. You HAVE to eat!"
"Go away, C. I already did eat."
"Not enough," she protested. "Besides, you'll sleep better if you eat."
"Shut up!" i shouted. My phone buzzed on the stand next to me, and i snatched it in a desperate attempt to distract myself from the peanut butter C was shoving at me. It only made matters worse. Matt's name glared up at me from the screen, right above the words "i love you. why do you want to kill me?" I dropped the phone to the floor and reached tearfully for the peanut butter. C was right; i couldn't do it. I needed to eat... and eat... and eat...


  1. i have the same problem with getting to sleep at night. you should try some pm pills, i use headache pm for when i cant sleep and have a hunger headache. hang in there, insomnia is the worst.
    stay strong


  2. it sounds like you have emotional eating issues. so instead of eating when you're upset, take a bath, do some crunches, write in your food journal...

    you look happy with shuan. i'd keep him close, he seems to be a very understanding person. and you are gorgeous!

  3. At least having trouble sleeping means you're restricting enough! Except that when you're lying in bed miserable you have time to think about eating, which often leads into a binge. Uck. I'm convince that the ghosts of dead anorexics and dead binge eaters haunt us all, truly. They get into our head and tell us to starve or binge. Or maybe I'm just thinking it because you blogs make it seem so damn real.

  4. matt texted u..? what is going on with u and him.