Thursday, November 19, 2009

Eff My Life

"Ew. What're these little bumpy things on my arms?" i wondered out loud.
"They're food bumps; it's what happens when you eat food." Who knew that Ana was standing right there listening to me?
"Fuck you," i shot back. "I didn't have a choice. Mom made me eat that big-ass dinner. It's not my fault."
"Oh and i suppose she force-fed you the cookies too."
"She did tell me to make them...." i argued.
"Whatever, Jo. No one made you eat gravy on your chicken and potatoes, and certainly no one made you eat all that cookie dough and those two cookies."
"C did," i said lamely.
Ana sighed. "As if you couldn't just tell her to go away."
"It's this house! Every time i'm here i binge." I was really grasping for some way to justify my evil mistakes.
"Yeah whatever."
How was i supposed to have a comeback to that? "I'm sorry, Ana," i muttered.
"You really ought to be."
"What do you want me to do?"
"Oh gee, i don't know," she said with bitterness tainting her melodic voice. "Maybe you could actually stick to a plan for once?!"
"I'll restart ABC," i offered.
"Yeah, and that'll last an entire day at the most. Seriously, Jo, you're pathetic."
"No, i'll really do it. I swear."
"And if you don't?"
I searched my mind for something, but came up empty. Cutting would be a reward, not a punishment. It was the only thing i'd ever threatened myself with before. "I... I don't know..." i finally said.
"See? You'll fail!" And she stomped out of the room.
I had to stop upsetting her. I just had to.


  1. That's why I can't wait to move out! It just seems like home=bingeing. Well think, one day you'll move out and you'll have full control over what food is in your house. But I know you're strong enough to have control NOW, while you're still at home. You have to realize what makes you want to eat, and then remind yourself that in the grand scheme of life, it's not important. Taste? Not important. Feeling full? Not important. Feeling normal? SO not important. Being thin is supreme; it's better than all of that. It's better than the warmth and taste of food. It's better than normalcy. It's just... the best thing. It's the ONLY thing.

  2. you can do it. just try extremely hard and avoid ur house as much as possible.

  3. I'm rarely ever home anymore and so therefore I rarely eat. Take up like extra work hours or classes or anything to force you out of the house.

  4. Man I could never live with my parents again. I guess I kind of live with my dad, he sleeps in my apartment 3 nights a week. But its my mom that causes too much head butting. And I always binge at my parents. What are food bumps?

  5. Stick thin,
    Lol. Food bumps aren't really food bumps at all. I just blame everything wrong with me on my run-ins with food. I have no idea what the bumps are, but they're not really from food.

  6. Aw, another bad day... Been there, hun. Happens. And when I binge or am about to binge, I tell myself the punishment for eating will be being grotesquely fat forever. Works really well for me.