Monday, September 7, 2009

Tears

"Jo..." Ana's broken voice made my hand stop in midair, halfway to my mouth. "What are you doing?"
I didn't respond. I didn't have any idea what i was doing, other than binging...again.
"Please," she whispered through tears. "You've got to stop pushing me away."
"Go--" i began, and then bit my tongue. I couldn't tell her to go away again. I needed her. We both knew that.
"Don't," she whispered, "say those words, Jo! I love you. I don't want you to be fat. I'm trying to help you!" She spoke in broken sentences, interrupted by the sobs that were wracking her tiny frame.
"I'm sorry," was all i could say, going to her and putting my arms around her.
It was her turn to push me away. "You've hurt me," she said through gritted teeth.
"I know," was all i could say. "I know i did.."
"And you've hurt yourself by doing so."
I nodded mutely. I knew that too. I was fat again, and it was obvious. The muffin top that had been absent for so long was back, blubbering out above my jeans in a completely unacceptable manner.
"What do you plan to do about it?" Ana asked, looking at me sharply, with tears still coursing down her cheeks.
My turn to cry. "Start over again," i sobbed. "I'm so sorry, Ana. I failed you; i fought you. I'm so sorry. Please don't leave me. Please give me another chance. I'll be good this time, i promise."
She sighed. "You always promise. How do i know you mean it this time?"
I looked away. "You don't."
"Then why should i trust you?"
I couldn't breathe; i was crying too hard. "You shouldn't. I'm a worthless shit, and i'm sure to fail you again and again. There's no reason for you not to leave me, but please, Ana, i'm begging you, don't go."
Her arms surrounded me. "Oh, i won't, sweetie. Please, don't cry anymore. I'll never leave you." She held me so tight i thought i might break. "I love you," she said fiercely.
"I love you too," i gasped, returning her embrace.
And together, we blended our hurt; we combined our tears, and we renewed our friendship.

6 comments:

  1. I know exactly how you feel. I ate next to nothing for the whole day and then when I got home I binged on ice-cream and honey. Your doing really well at the moment and your pictures look great :). Not sure if I said that already, if I have then oh well, its true :). Thank you for your comment, it seriously made my day. xx :)

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  2. Some quote I found: "If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you chooce, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down."

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  3. sometimes i think i'm reading a book and you're a fictional character. you explain what we all go through so well. i see myself in your blogs so much.
    ((huggs))
    remember you are only human. you can only do so much till you crack, but hunni just get up dust yourself off and get back on track!
    you're pics already look super sexy!
    i beilive in you! xx

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  4. I'm so sorry :( i'm sure we've all been there. I know I have. Its tough finding your control. Believing in yourself. We're here for you though. Don't stop blogging! Don't stop believing in yourself

    loves

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