Wednesday, September 2, 2009


The beautiful picture of my boyfriend holding his newborn niece nearly brought tears to my eyes. His tender smile and the way he carefully cradled the baby told me something wonderful: he would make a fantastic father. It brought that oldest of longings into my womanly heart. I wanted to be a mother. "Oh, Ana," i whispered, staring in wonder at the picture on my cell phone screen. "What are you making me give up?"
"Oh shush," Ana told me. "You don't know that it's my fault you haven't gotten your period."
"But i do have my suspicions," i shot back at her.
"Don't get snippy with me; i'm only trying to make you thin and beautiful."
I bit my lip. "I know... I'm sorry."
"It's all right, sweetie," she said, putting a bony hand on my back as i buried my face in her shoulder. She smelled good, strong and flowery yet light and airy, like i would imagine a fairy would smell, and that comforted me as i cried a few fearful tears onto her sleeve. "Hush, now, you'll be fine."
I sniffled and nodded. I wanted to be thin... but i wanted a baby someday too...


  1. hmm are u on birth control, if u arent u could try going on that and u might get ur periods cuz it regulates ur body. then when u decide to have kids some day just go off the pill and maybe ur period will keep going for a while?

  2. That is a definite struggle i've had. I think its a sacrifice either way. Giving up ana for a baby. I have never lost my period, but being anoretic has made my periods grow farther and farther apart. I've thought that if I ever do get pregnant I would be at the doctors all the time. I would make sure my baby was properly nourished. Then I would hope and pray it was a boy. Beause i don't want my daughter to carry on like me, or have my problems. I know boys can have ED's too(my dad was/is bulimic), but it would be less likely.

    this is why i just decided i won't have physical kids. all of these thoughts started when i was 15, 5 years later i'm pretty convinced i'll just adopt

  3. If you end up having Anemorrhea it can be treated before you become infertile! (Anemorrhea is absence of period, you officially have it when you dont get your period for three months and are diagnosed by the doctor). The picture of your boyfriend is so cute :). Be happy. xx

  4. aw dont worry too much, mine are alllways late or non existant for a while... just be careful, when you do eat, make sure you're getting protein such as eggs or whatever.. you'll be fine :)

  5. I know how you feel, like it's a toss up between what you want now and what you know you will want in the future. I've chosen the latter before now, and made myself gain weight. I regret it now that I'm fat when I could have been beautifully thin of course.
    The idea of not being able to give someone you love what they want is horrific.
    And he does look like he could be a good father.
    Infertility isn't permanent necessarily unless you've not had a period in a long while.
    I guess it's a choice that you have to make on your own without listening to Ana, or just hope you don't become permanently infertile...

  6. Aw, that picture is so cute!!
    Sucks that you haven't had your P's yet.
    You might just be a little late?

  7. Aw that picture is so sweet, you got lucky with him! And I'm sure that whenever your wanting to kids you'll be able to, don't worry too much about it (:

    Thanks for the super sweet comments (: you brighten my day!

  8. Hey

    I saw you're comment on Kat's 'Quest for perfection' blog about tips to help fasting?

    Well, I'm having trouble to but I just found this thing on the net. Write down on a piece of paper the hours of the day. Then for each hour you go without eating, tick the hour off.
    That way, you focus on each hour and get more feelings of accomplishment than being daunted by the whole entire day as one big lump.

    I hope that makes sense and I hope it helps ^_^

    And in regards to this post, there are options for people who can't have kids. I know it's not the same but there are hundreds of kids out there stuck in crappy homes without loving parents.

    Good luck sweet pea.

    xXx Just don't give up!

  9. when i was pretty skinny last year my bmi was like 18 or owe my period didnt come for 3 months and i got a bit freaked out but eventually it came back but so did the pounds...
    but i hope you will get your period soon enough,

    And that picture is just the sweetest thing i have seen in a wile.

    think thin

  10. I skipped my period 2 months ago as well. I don't think it had anything to do with Ana though. I went back on the pill last month and just finished with my period. You should try it. It might be a good idea for you to be on it just so your body stays regulated. I have also decided to end the crazy in my family and to not procreate myself. Most likely because I date older men, I'll end up having the joys known as step children.

  11. awww that baby's so cute.
    i want one noww :(
    you're man's cute too :P

  12. Aw, what a cute baby! Maybe you are stressing too much? I'm sure you'll have a baby one day ;)
    Stay strong <3

  13. Awh. : ( A lot of anorexics lose their periods, but one day get it back and can still have children. All hope is not lost!

    And your boy has such a pleasant face! That's kind of weird I guess but it's how I describe a lot of guys hahaha.