Update: I'm Still Here; Going Nowhere

I know... i know... it seems as if i've dropped off the face of the earth these past few days. It feels that way too. Our internet was shut off because we didn't have the money to pay the bill, so i haven't been able to get on here and update my blog or read any of yours for far too long.
But once again, i'm going to be boring and not write in story-form because i'm waaaay too tired. I'm running on 30 minutes of sleep, a pot of coffee, and eight and a half hours of work. It's been quite a long tiring day.
But good news: Jacob and i will be moving out of his mom's house this weekend--without having to pay rent where we're going to be living. We're moving in with our friend Brad who lives alone in a 3 bedroom house and is more than willing to share. Know what that means? I'll be able to work out! And i'll be able to have safe food! And we'll be able to buy our wedding outfits in time to get married on August 24th! So much awesomeness there. I feel insanely blessed to have a friend like Brad.
Oh, and other good news, i'm getting tinier, and i can feel it... Well, i can feel it sometimes. Other times i feel huge... But you all know how that is. Anyways, there's evidence that i really am getting smaller: a pair of pants that i couldn't button a week ago now fit me quite nicely. Here soon, they'll be loose, and i can also see my ribs quite easily. :) Life is good.
Well, now i'm off to catch up reading all of your blogs. I love you all very much! Stay strong, think thin. Give yourselves some love for me.

True Love (to you all)

I love you people so much.

You're comments saved me from having a total breakdown and enormous cut session after that binge. You all are my saving angels.

Marcus, you even managed to make me smile with the first four words of your last comment, and the smile just kept getting bigger as i kept reading. You even passed some of that glorious optimism onto me. Thank you.

Seriously, girls and guys, you're amazing to me. Without you... I'd be nowhere.

Failure Always Follows Success

So.. I woke up this morning and had the house to myself.... We all know what happens when i have the house to myself: binging. I excused it for myself because i'd been doing so very well the past two days, and also i woke up with that feeling like something bad was going to happen, so i drowned the worry coming from that feeling with food. Two PB&J sandwiches, two apple cinnamon rice cakes, and a chicken patty sandwich later, i still wanted more, but was embarrassed that i was using up so much bread. I wanted to hide the binge, of course, and that much less bread later, it was going to be a bit hard. So i skipped the bread and made a sandwich of two slices of cheese with ranch in between (weird as hell, i know). Ugh. I'm a ridiculous, pathetic, fat food-whore. I wish i knew how to purge. I've tried all the different tricks... and none of them work for me. But after failure like that, i don't deserve to get rid of the fat i put on myself; it's a just punishment for my ridiculous weakness.
Oh, and to everyone who disapproves of my blog and Ana, but keeps on reading and trying to shove food down my throat to make me fat under the pretense of caring about me, i'm going to ask you once nicely: just leave.

Progress

I'm gonna start off by showing you all my gorgeous tat again. This picture's a lot better quality than the last one.... just ignore the chub... i wasn't sucking my stomach in when this was taken. icky, i know... Now onto the actual point of this post:

I sat down on the edge of the bed in satisfaction. "Happy?" i smugly asked Ana.
She smiled and laughed a little bit at my childish pleasure. "Actually, i am," she responded.
I kept grinning. "Happy?" i asked Jacob.
He nodded. "I am. You ate once today, and that's all i asked."
"Good," i said, and fell sound asleep after working for eight hours without a 15 second break, but only eating only half of a chicken wrap all day.
It was definitely progress from the multiple meals and snacks i'd been having for the past few days. And i was proud of that progress. Soon, my pants would be even looser, and nothing in this world could be better than that in my mind.

Somebody Save Me from Myself

I don't know what's wrong with me here of late. I've been so bloody moody for no reason. I just get angry at the smallest things, and then the littlest issue will make me break down and cry. You can also make me smile and be insanely happy quite easily.
... And i've been using emotional eating to deal with it much more than i should. Ok, not a lot, just today, but still, that's a lot to me! I just sat there and ate a chicken patty to make Jacob happy. It filled me up perfectly, and there was no more hunger. But then Jacob went to work and i stayed in front of the TV and ate a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and a quarter of a bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos. THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH JUNK FOOD! Especially considering just a couple hours before that i broke down crying because there was no "safe food" in the entire house for me to eat instead of that friggin' chicken patty.
Ana wants to kill me for just doing that... She keeps telling me that i'm fat and ugly and pathetic... And i don't even want to have to admit to Jacob that i ate his junk food stash... I wouldn't be having any of those problems if i'd just kept myself under control on the eating front, so i DO deserve it, but.... UGH!
And, goddammit, i just want more sugary food!
Sorry for the rant.... I'll calm down now and go read your lovely blogs. i'm sure ya'll are doing much better than me. Keep that up, and i'll try to catch up with you on it. I love you.

Tattoo

Hey everyone... Once again, i'm too lazy and tired to put this post in story form, but i figured i'd update you all on how it's going for me. Remember that tattoo i used to have? The heart with a rose through it that looked...pretty much like shit? Well, i got it covered with this raven and rose, which i believe looks AWESOME. Except for the pudge on my stomach... that's not quite so awesome... My one friend said i looked too skinny as soon as she saw this picture, but i've gotta disagree with her on that one. I can't see anything but my fat gut. Ugh.
Anyways, as far as following Ana and making a compromise with Jacob.... Yeah... That's kinda difficult. He said he'd take me to the store to get healthy food, but he hasn't yet. He said he was gonna move the bed in the room we're sharing so i could work out every day, but he hasn't. I guess i'm just gonna have to be demanding of him and nudge him to get those things done if i want them....which, i really really do.
A couple new blogs to check out: The Crazy Rose and Lighter Dreams.
Anyways, i'll have more time to update tomorrow. I hope you're all doing well, staying strong and feeling fabulous. I send you all my love and hugs!

Break Down

"You're fat; you're fat; you're fat," Ana kept chanting in my ear. "You're fat; that skirt doesn't look good on you at all because you're fat. Do you hear me, Jo? FAT!"
I couldn't ignore her, especially seeing that she was absolutely right. With the way Jacob had been making me eat, the bones that had begun to show were once again hidden. My stomach pudge was back; my arms were too big, and my thighs touched at the top. "I know," i whispered. "I want to change it..." But i didn't know how i could change it. Jacob wasn't going to let me eat less. I couldn't work out when i had nowhere to do so, not in the house we were living in. There was nowhere i could go that people wouldn't be able to watch me, which i could have somehow dealt with, but there was also nowhere to go that the kids wouldn't get in the way. How can you work out when there's kids running around you, stealing your equipment and getting in the way?
"What's wrong, sweetheart?" Jacob asked me.
I shook my head. "Nothing." Nothing he wanted to hear anyway...
"Something," he replied. "I can see that something's on your mind. Just tell me, please. I want to make you feel better."
Ana snorted. "All you do is make her feel worse," she snapped at him.
I bit my lip, trying to keep from yelling at her. "Don't mess with my Jacob," i said.
"I just stated a fact."
I rolled my eyes at her and turned to him. "Do you really want to know?" i asked.
He nodded. "Of course, baby-girl."
I was blunt. "All i eat anymore is shit-food. There's no healthiness in any of it. And on top of that, i can't work out because it'd just be impossible. I can feel and see myself gaining weight, and i can't handle it. It's killing me!"
He frowned. "Ok, we can go to the grocery store and get you healthy food. You just have to tell me what you want."
I shook my head. "No, what i want isn't good enough for you. I only want fruit and vegetables and salad, and in your eyes that's not eating enough."
He nodded. "Ok..." he muttered. "We'll do whatever it takes to make you happy... But you have to keep eating at least once a day. That'll be the only thing i require of you. I promise."
My eyes filled with tears. "I can't work out," i said.
"I know..." At least he understood that without me going through a huge explanation. "I'm sorry. We'll have our own place soon, and then you'll be able to."
I only nodded and blinked back the tears. I felt so selfish... but i was tired of waiting...

**Oh, check this out! I'm an addict. :) Thanks to SBB for giving me this awesome award.


Five likes: 1)blogging and reading blogs of course 2)listening to and singing to all different kinds of music 3)hugs! 4)stargazing 5)dressing up and attempting to make myself look pretty
Five dislikes: 1)rude hateful anonymous comments 2)the house i'm living in 3)pretending to be happy just to make the people who see you happy 4)not getting enough sleep 5)food

Jacob and Ana Fight

"Wow, baby, i can see all of your bones!" Jacob said as he massaged my back.
I smiled. "Can you seriously?"
Ana smiled too. "A little bit," she said. "You're looking so great."
Jacob nodded. "Yeah... You need to eat more. Seeing that much bone worries me."
I shook my head violently. "No, hun. It's just because i'm more active! I haven't been eating less, and i still eat one meal a day. Besides, those bones are a good thing; they make me happy."
"I don't know, baby-girl... I'd feel better if you'd eat more," he said.
And from that point on, Jacob kept fighting against Ana's and my wishes concerning food. He didn't go back on his word about only one meal a day, but that meal increased its size quite drastically and lost it's "safe food" qualities. I tried not to fight him, and Ana tried to get me to fight him.
"That man is trying to make you fat," Ana accused.
"No, no, he's just easily worried about me," i replied, but at the same time, i rather believed that what she's said was true, and i sank into a pit of misery from eating too much.

**That pit of misery is where i am right now... I'm so horribly moody and bitchy, and i know it's from eating enough to lose a bit of sight of those bones i was so proud to begin to see again. I must go back to the one SMALL, SAFE meal a day.**

Still Here

I haven't updated in quite a while, i know. And i'm quite sorry. It's just been insanely busy around here of late. I'm still here, and i'm still doing well. I'll give you a better update and catch up on reading and commenting your blogs ASAP, i promise. I love you all VERY VERY much. Once again, your comments made my day.

Tired Again

Sorry, everyone, i'm WAY too worn out to write in story form. I'm not really sure why... I mean, i went to bed around 7:00 last night, but then again, i did keep waking up every hour because Jacob wasn't there. He was working... I expected him home at 1:00 at the very latest, but he didn't get home until 4:00, so when i woke up at 1:00 and he wasn't there, there was no more sleeping for me, just sitting up worrying. It kind of massively pissed me off that he didn't even call me and let me know how late he was going to be, but whatever, i'm not going to whine and cry about the man that has carried me through hard times many times.
...I did end up cutting last night (this morning, rather) around 3:00... I was just so worried about Jacob that i didn't know what to do with myself. It was the only way i could calm down... He was a bit angry when he found that out, but he didn't get as mad as i thought he would. he just made me promise that it'd never happen again. In return, i made him promise never to be that late without warning me again.
Then this morning i woke up at 9:00 to go to work, and worked until 4:00. ...Wow, i'm just telling you all the exact times that i did everything in this post, huh? Lol. Sorry. I ate one hot pocket before i left, but that's all i'm going to eat today so i don't feel too bad about it. Everyone else in this house ate an entire turkey dinner, but i said forget about that. I'm quite proud of myself for it. :)
My weight is at 121.5 now, so i lost half a pound in one day. I'm certainly OK with that. Ana would like it to be more than that of course, but hey, it's still progress, even if it's small, right? And to answer one of the questions i got in my comments, my "secret" to losing the weight as fast as i am is only eating one meal--which usually consists of 500 or less calories--a day (avoiding even that if i can) and being on my feet for at least 5 hours at work. It's pretty brutal sometimes, but others, it seems almost easy to me. Much much easier than eating normally anyways.
I still need some sketches or something for my Ana-tribute tattoo if any of you all are interested. I didn't get any at all yet. :( Please, please send me some at my email (emofreak5@yahoo.com), OK?
I love you all bunches and bunches! Your comments are my motivation for getting through the day sometimes. *hugs and love to all* Stay strong.

Progress

I closed my eyes and stepped onto the scale. "Do i dare look at the number?" i asked Ana.
"It's still a little bit high in my opinion," she replied, "but look for yourself."
I shook my head. "I can't. I'm too scared."
"Oh, you great moron!" she said, rolling her eyes and throwing up her hands. "It's down from what it was yesterday. Stop being so pathetic. Look at it! It's progress."
I opened one eye and looked at Ana. "It's down?"
She nodded. "I was just saying that there's still room for more progress."
I looked down at the scale and choked back an excited little giggle. 122.0 the digital numbers said. Close to two weeks ago, those numbers had said 129.5. I clapped my hands together and let the giggle escape. "It's beautiful!" i said.
She shook her head. "Not yet." Then her face softened a bit, "But you are well on your way to making it beautiful." She threw my work pants to me. "Get dressed or you'll be late."
I nodded and went back to the bedroom where Jacob was still lying in bed to put the pants on. I easily slid the pants over my hips and buttoned them without even sucking my stomach in. Once again, i got excited. Those pants had been far too tight a couple weeks ago when Jacob had bought them for me. "Jacob!" i shrieked. "Look at this!" I pulled at the waistline of the buttoned pants. They stood an inch and a half away from my waist. "They're getting too big!"
He half-smiled, happy to see me so happy. "That's it, girl. You're eating breakfast," he teased me.
I continued smiling and shrugged my shoulders. "Nah, i'll eat when i get home from work like you always make me." I didn't want to eat breakfast, for fear that i'd still want to eat when i came home, thus eating more than once that day and killing the progress.
"And it won't be very much either," Ana said.
I nodded to her, and Jacob nodded to me. All was going quite well.

Dinner... And Then A Mirror

I wanted to eat. Just eat, and not feel bad mentally or physically. Ana told me that a wish like that was only the fat people, but i told her to shut up and asked Jacob if he'd take me to our favorite little cafe to get one of their amazing tasting burgers. Naturally, he was happy to hear that request and took me there right away.
As we sat down at our little table, i took in my surroundings. A very skinny waiter handed us our menus, and asked what we wanted to drink. "Water," i told him, hoping that that would stop Ana's insistent yelling that what i was doing was a bad, bad idea.
"You'll never be as skinny as that man waiting on you if you follow through with this!" she continued. I ignored her and kept watching the people around me. A large woman sat at the table across from ours, eating a nice big plate of cheese-smothered fries. "That's what you're going to look like," Ana hissed in my ear.
An average-sized waitress came over and took our food orders. I went ahead and ordered the hamburger that i'd wanted, along with a small plate of fries that Jacob and i would share. "That waitress is pretty," i told Ana, "and she's not a stick figure."
She shook her head. "Do you know how much better she'd look if she was a stick figure?"
I sighed. She had a good point. "Just let me enjoy this one meal, ok? It's all i'm going to eat today, and i haven't eaten anything like this for over a week."
Once again, she shook her head, but didn't say anything else. I ate in peace, except for the little nagging fear that i was going to become huge from what i was eating... so it really wasn't peace at all. Jacob seemed happy, though, and that helped me to be a bit happier about the unwise decision i had made in eating.
When we got home, Jacob decided he wanted to snuggle. As i lay there in his arms, i couldn't help but wonder... "Do you think i look good enough to ever get a modeling job?" i asked him.
"Of course you do, sweetheart," he replied.
I heard Ana strongly objecting in the background.
"No, you have to be brutally honest. Just as brutally honest as you were about the waiter having an ugly face. Does this body look good enough to go on the pages of a catalog or magazine?"
"No, it doesn't look even close to good enough. It would look a billion times better if you hadn't eaten what you ate today, but even then, the answer is no," Ana told me, using her brutal honesty.
"I was being honest, love," Jacob said. "You are absolutely ravenous, and any catalog or magazine would be making a wonderful choice by putting your beauty on their pages."
"Even after i ate that burger and fries?"
He stood up, helping me get up with him, and let me to stand in front of the mirror. "Look at you. You're perfect."
I stared at my reflection for a minute. All i was wearing was my bra and underwear because it had been to hot to wear more if i was going to be cuddling. So much skin was showing... only skin where there should be bones peeking though... I shook my head and turned away from the mirror. "I'm far from perfect."
Ana nodded in agreement with me, but Jacob kissed my lips and then spun me back around to look in the mirror. He pointed out my hip-bones; he pointed out that my stomach looked fairly toned; he pointed out that my legs looked thinner than they had a month ago. Then he told me, "You are beautiful. I swear it on my life."
I smiled slightly. I could almost believe him.

I Ate... But Does It Count For Anything?

"Did you eat anything other than that chicken patty i made for you yesterday?" It was the first thing Jacob decided to say to me once we were both awake.
I shook my head. "No."
He frowned.
"But i ate something! You said i only had to eat once a day." I didn't like seeing that frown, especially over something that had made me feel strong and smile a little bit.
He sighed. "I know, but i meant eat something that actually counts as eating. One chicken patty is absolutely nothing."
"It's protein... and carbs from the bread it was on..." i told him.
"And a ton of fatness," Ana chimed in.
He didn't hear her. His response was, "Yeah, but it wasn't very much food at all. I'd say about 200 calories. You know it's not good for you to keep going on that little."
"300 calories, at the least!" Ana shouted in his ear, trying to make her presence known.
He swatted the air next to his head as if he'd heard a fly buzzing around. "Will you eat more than that today?" he asked with beautiful pleading eyes.
I sighed, thinking of the 6 lbs i'd managed to lose, worrying that they'd all jump right back onto me if i ate anything at all, but his beautiful face.... I couldn't tell him no. It was nigh unto impossible. "Ok," i said. "You can choose what i eat today, as long as it's only one meal, and not bad for me."
As soon as the words had left my mouth, Ana slapped me. "You'd best make sure that he doesn't give you too much food at that one meal!"
But Jacob smiled, making me smile a little bit. "Hmmm... What if i make you a giant, juicy steak?" he said playfully.
I wrinkled up my nose. "You know i won't eat that. Besides, i've never liked steak."
"You've just never had it made right. One of these days, i'll get you to try a truly good steak."
"Oh no you won't!" Ana snarled.
I rolled my eyes. "Shush, Ana, he's only joking... i think." Then i turned to Jacob, "You're not going to do that today, are you?"
He shook his head. "I don't know for sure. Maybe," he said with a wink. "After all, it's not really bad for you."
"Bad for my mentality," i replied, playfully pushing him off the bed.
He pulled me onto the floor with him. "Fine, not steak today."
Later on, he made me some sort of odd concoction that had fried potatoes, shredded cheese, and a good bit of veggie stew. "You know that'll go right through me, don't you?" i asked him.
"Why?"
"The oil in the potatoes and the cheese. I'm gonna have the runs..."
"Nah," he replied. "You'll be all right."
I simply laughed and ate it, not bothering to argue with him. "Ok." I knew it wasn't going to stay in me...
"At least it'll clean your system out," Ana said, staring banefully at the food.
I nodded and finished it up, running to the bathroom a few hours later with a gentle, "told you so," to Jacob.
He apologized, but i told him not to worry. I was getting used to running to the bathroom to involuntarily lose any sort of food i put into my body.

*I crave peanut butter! How can i stop this craving? I don't want to eat it! It'll only make me want more and more bad foods... like chocolate... Ugh! I want that too! What's wrong with me? How do you all stop your horrid cravings?*

**I have a question for you all. I know that a good bit of you are artistically talented. So would anyone like to draw me a picture for my Ana-Tribute tattoo? I'd like a skeleton, clutching a broken or withered heart that says Ana in pretty lettering on it somewhere. I'd prefer it to be in color, but it doesn't have to be. If you do draw me a picture, please send it to my email address (emofreak5@yahoo.com) and i'll email you back, letting you know if i'm going to use it. Thanks a bundle!**