Quick Post

I love you all, and i'm so flattered by your lovely comments. Ana idol? Really?! I was someone's Ana idol?! That's such a compliment.
I miss you, and think of you often.
But i'm sooooo happy! :) Jacob is more than i ever even knew i wanted, and he's just absolute perfection. I could gush on and on about him for hours, but i really doubt u wanna hear all that. Lol.
I LOVE YOUUUU!!! *hugs to all*

Been Gone A While...

So much has happened in the past week. My parents and pastor found my blog, tried to send me to therapy, and tell me i couldn't see Jacob anymore... so i moved out. I sneaked out the back window on Sunday night, and now i'm living with my FIANCE! :) That's right; we're engaged now! It's incredible. I do feel a little bit bad about how it makes my parents feel, but you know, they sorta asked for it.
Ana's still with me... but she's much more forgiving, and really very quiet in general. Jacob has calmed her down a good bit. Lol. We just shared an enormous stromboli, and Ana didn't even yell... too much.
I miss you all sooooo much. I love reading your blogs and getting your comments but i don't know how much i really have time for it. (Oh dear, that sounds horrid, i know.) Don't worry, i don't love any of you any less; i'm just swamped for time...
This might be my last post, or i might be coming back every once in a while to update you--of course i'll HAVE to post wedding pictures! :)
Ummmm.... yeah... i miss you all, and i'll try to keep in touch. *hugs!*
I'm the happiest i've ever been though. I only wish that each of you can find the kind of love that i've found. My heart just might explode with all this happiness and love, but i'm ok with it.

Loves of My Life

"I love Jacob," Ana giggled.
I wrapped my arms around her. "Me too," i said, picking up her weightless body and twirling her around. "And i love you!"
She laughed again. "Put me down, you goose!"
I obeyed with a laugh. "But why is it you say you love my love?" i asked her.
"I talked with him last night," she replied. "He doesn't want to change you at all, and he doesn't want to take me away because i'm a part of who you are. He loves me simply because i'm part of you."
I smiled at her. "I know that."
She nodded. "Yes, but do you also know that he's alright with just how little you eat? I've told him how little you eat, and how little i'd want you to eat, and he said that as long as it's not making you sick or anything, he's perfectly fine with it. Now, you and i both know that a bit less food wouldn't hurt you in the very least. You'd still be perfectly healthy."
"I'm ready to try ABC again," i said suddenly.
She raised her eyebrows. "Are you sure?"
I nodded vigorously. "Of course. I'm not afraid to fail; i'm not afraid of someone trying to 'fix' me. I'm not afraid of anything anymore. In fact, i'm excited to begin."
She wrapped her bony arms around me. "Wonderful, sweetie. Absolutely wonderful!"

*Here's some pictures of the loves of my life for all of you lovely folks who read my blog (if i could post a picture of all of you here, i would, because i love you too so very much):
Ana

and Jacob

Jacob and Ana

Wow. Yesterday was the best day ever.
Jacob and i spent all day together. I got my first kiss from him and he couldn't get enough kisses from me. Lol. It was so beautiful. The best part was the obvious innocence and love behind the kisses. I know he's not just trying to get into my pants like most guys. His sister loves me, and wants me to move in. I love her too. Lol. I've spent all my life looking for a love like i've found with him. It's incredible beyond worlds. He told me he wants to marry me (already!), and it didn't even freak me out. It's what i want too. Oh, my dears, i'm so in love with this man!
On to Ana news. I ate around 1000 Calories yesterday, but i'm not upset about it. I haven't really been counting the past few days; i've just been avoiding food. Eating maybe once a day. I'm pretty much always hungry so that's a good sign, right? I'm still fat though... but i think i might be bloated because my period might be coming? I dunno. i don't really pay attention to when that shows up; it just does. I've been having cramps though.
Jacob is massively thinspirational too. Whenever i hug him i can feel the bones in his back, and i can feel his ribs if i run my hands down his sides. (He showed me that because he knows how pretty i think ribs are.) He love hipbones, so i've gotta get mine showing for him! :) Also, he had dinner with my family, and ate just as strangely (in their eyes) as i do. My mom made macaroni and cheese, creamed corn, and hot sausage sandwiches. I don't eat pork. It's just not an option, so all i ate was a lot of corn and a bit of mac n cheese. He did the exact same thing! It's great to have someone who eats as little as me and doesn't yell at me for it. He and Ana shall get along splendidly.
I love you all soooo much!!! I PROMISE i'm off to read and comment on all your lovely blogs now. Sorry i've been slacking. I love youuuu! :)

Happiness, Yo!

The permanent smile remained on my face as Ana hugged me tight. "You're doing great, sweetheart," she told me.
I returned the hug. "I don't need food or drink when i have his smile."
"He loves you as much as i do." She sounded amazed that anyone could love that much.
I nodded. "Of course he does." I couldn't help but think that i loved him as much as i loved her... but i didn't dare say that because it'd surely make her angry. She could get so jealous at times.
She shrugged. "Whatever, at least it's keeping you from binging and stupid stuff like that."
"It's keeping me from sleep too," i laughed. "I didn't sleep at all last night because i was just too happy."
"You goose," she giggled. "I played a huge part in that too. Don't you know that when you don't eat enough you get insomnia?"
"Oh yeah..." i murmured. I wished i could keep my mind more focused on Ana, but all i could seem to think of was Jacob. Yet at the same time, i loved thinking only of Jacob... I was torn between the two that i loved the most, but it didn't hurt at all. In fact, i was sure that they could co-exist rather happily.

Unattractive But It's Ok

First off, i just wanna say thank you to everyone who left me lovely comments. I love you all so much, and i know you all love me, and that's all that matters, right?!
Shaun update: apparently i'm unattractive. He blocked my number but then talked to me online (confusing, right?) and told me that he just didn't feel attracted to me anymore. So i was like, "well, hello, YOU'RE the reason i gained the weight i'm still working at losing!" Ok, i didn't actually say that, but i really really wanted to. But you know something? I don't give a fuck anymore. It's fine--and i'm not just saying that anymore; it really is fine. If he wants to just drop me like that, then he can. I'll find someone better (and i think i have, but more on that in a minute). He said he tried to make himself like me, but just couldn't... Ugh. Am i really that repulsive? I mean, i know i disgust myself and Ana, but i've just never heard it from someone else's mouth. It kinda hurt, but i'm over it. I'm going to make myself beautiful in my own eyes and in Ana's eyes and then it'll all be alright.
Now, onto the someone better part. I know, i know, "it's so soon; you're such a whore; you just think you need a boy to make you happy." Whatever, shut up, Anonymous commenters. I do realize that it's very soon, but i'm not a whore. You have to understand that this guy would never push me to do anything i'm not ready to do, and sex is the farthest thing from my mind now. I don't think i need a boy to make me happy at all; this one just happened to be there to make me happy. He's always been there for me, and we've always been best friends. You remember the "Jacob" i talked about in previous posts? Yep, it's him. We're so much alike, and we're both hopeless romantics. I've seen how he was with his ex (who i might add dumped him without the courtesy to tell him she was doing so because she wanted to date other people), and he loves exactly the way i do: without holding back. It's beautiful. We talked on Friday, and again on Saturday and he told me that i'm "the only blonde to ever steal his heart". I feel unique. Lol. He's also the one who taught me the "i don't give a fuck" attitude, which rocks my socks. We're not together yet, but he told me he's just gonna wait for me to be ready. This should work. I'm not even worried about it not working. :)
Have a lovely day, ladies (and gents if any are reading). Stay strong, and don't worry, something better is just around the corner.

I'm Sick... And Single

I've got a killer sinus infection, and my head just might explode. The positive side of this is that i can't taste anything, so there's no reason at all to eat.
On top of that, Shaun and i are no longer together. Yesterday, he sent me a text telling me he loves me, but is not ready for a relationship... We all know what that means in reality: he doesn't love me.
"It's fine," has become my automatic response to everyone who says they're sorry or he's stupid for leaving or whatever, but in reality... it's not fine; i'm just trying to convince myself and everyone else that it is.
I'm roasting. I think i have a fever because i'm never, ever hot, but today i'm burning up. The bad thing is, i can't take my hoodie off because my mother is home and this:

is what my arm currently looks like. Personally, i think it's pretty, but i highly doubt my mother would agree.
I hope you all are doing much better than me. Love, love, love to you all!

Not Again...

I stared at the phone. The screen glared right back at me. A message from Shaun: "I can't hang out tonight. I've got to go to town to see about a job."
I sighed. I hadn't seen him in a week. "Can't we hang out afterward?" i sent back.
No answer....
"He just doesn't want to spend time with a fat-ass like you," Ana told me. "Who could blame him either?"
Twelve hours later, Shaun still hadn't called, texted, anything. He'd just totally cut me off. "What did i do?" i asked aloud. "We weren't even fighting."
"I told you, you're too fat," Ana said.
"Shut the fuck up!" i shouted and ran to my car.
I started the engine and went to the nearest Walmart. Razor blades. $1.44. Good enough for me. I paid for them and then proceeded to draw on my arm with them. My arm cried red tears to make up for the clear ones that refused to come out of my eyes.
"Jo," Ana whispered in my ear, "just starve. It'll help."
That's when i realized i hadn't eaten anything all day. "I am," i told her.
"Keep it up."
Tears started to drip from my eyes. "I am."

Stop The Madness

Those who've never experienced it have no idea what it's like: the insatiable hunger...for starvation. The real issue isn't the emptiness you feel; it's that until you figure out that it's hunger you're hungry for, you'll eat everything else that dares to cross your path.
I don't think my body understands food in moderation. It's all or nothing. take one bite, and it goes crazy. "Oh food! Oh carbs! Oh sweets! Let's shovel my face full of them until i look like a balloon." And i DO look like a balloon. I bloat up and get this big binge belly. My arms and legs are always fat, but when i eat, my stomach, the only part of me that is relatively ok-sized, bloats up and gets fat too. My stomach hurts... I can't stop running to the bathroom...
There's only one answer: i must stop eating!

Letter from Ana

Dear Jo,
Don't you see, sweetie? You're ruining yourself! All of this eating has to stop. It's making you depressed, dysfunctional, and worst of all, fat! You're so much happier when you're restricting; i don't know why you forget that every time you see a cheesecake. Please, please stop this eating madness. I just want you to be thin and happy, but you've got to let me help you.
Do you remember the post you did on the Staircase Diet? Why don't you try that? I know, i know, it seems like a lot of Calories starting out, but honestly, anything will be better than what you've been doing. Just try it, dear. Get through the whole thing, and i promise i'll give you some sort of reward at the end, not to mention you'll actually be thinner!
Now what are you doing in front of the computer at this time of day? You're meant to be on the treadmill. Today's day three of the running program (at least you're sticking with that so far). Go on, go on, get dressed and hop onto the treadmill!
All my love,
Ana

Question, Update, Eww...

Ugh. Yesterday went well until dinner time... When my mother decided to make fried chicken and insist that i eat some. Bloody hell! I can't eat fried chicken while on the ABC! I managed to keep my total calorie count around 1200 for the day, but that's so not good enough. I did start the running program though, so as of today, i'm on day 2 of running, but ABC... i'm just not sure. Maybe i'll start off slow and reach for 1000 calories a day. What do you all think?

Post-Valentine's Day

I opened my eyes and stretched, not ready to get out of bed just yet. I rolled over and closed my eyes again, but Ana pounced on me. "Nope," she said perkily. "Up and at 'em!"
I groaned.
"Up,up,up!" she insisted, trying to shake the bed, but failing because she was too light.
I pulled the pillow over my head. "Five more minutes."
"No, you great, dense ox!" she said, laughing as she pulled the pillow out of my hands. "You have to get up now or you'll not have time to work out."
"But i don't want to work out," i whined.
She rolled her eyes and smacked me with the pillow. "Too. Bad." she said, emphasizing each word with a thud of the pillow. "You've gotta do something to make up for yesterday."
Oh yesterday... It'd been horrid. Valentines Day was always horrid, but this year it was supposed to be all right. I wasn't single at least, and i had a boyfriend who really seemed to care. The problem was, it wasn't all right. He was broke, jobless (not his fault, but still...) so buying me anything was rather out of the question. That wouldn't have been a problem if he'd at least sent me a text or called me that morning and told me happy Valentines Day, or even tried to get to see me. But no, i'd heard absolutely nothing from him until 8:30 that evening. By then it was too late; the damage had already been done. 2 pieces of pizza and an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream later, i still felt awful, perhaps even more so.
I sighed and rolled out of bed. "Fine," i said. "I'm up."
She smiled and clapped her hands. "Good. I'm so excited. I'm going to have you restart the running program you dropped last week, and i'm going to have you restart the ABC."
I smiled weakly. "Lovely." But i was really too afraid of failing again to feel that it was lovely at all.