Once again, i'm tired and uncreative. I don't know why but i feel totally exhausted (and even a bit on the depressed side) today. I didn't even do much of anything. I couldn't find the energy to work out... and i also thought it might not be the best idea seeing as every time i stood up--not even quickly at all--things went black and i saw some stars. I managed to not pass out though.
I think it might be because i just completed a 48 hour fast. I didn't realize it was going to be that long until this morning, but then i thought about it and realized that if i didn't eat anything until 12:00 PM, i would have pulled of a 48 hour fast without even thinking about it. The last time i ate was Wednesday. I had a salad at a restaurant with my grandparents and my Jacob. Then yesterday, by the time Jacob made it home, it was 2:00 in the morning and i was not about to wake up just to eat something. He didn't even ask me until i woke up around 10:00 this morning if i'd eaten anything. I told him the truth, and then begged him to let me wait until 12:00 today to eat anything because i wanted to be able to say that i'd gone 48 hours without eating--or even drinking anything but water! He didn't much like it, and as soon as it was 12:01, he shoved a sandwich at me, but i didn't mind. I felt as if i'd completed an amazing task by going that long without even wanting to eat anything. Seriously, i didn't think about food the entire time somehow, and it was so easy to go that long without eating.
I don't think it was the best thing for me though, considering my body's used to about 1000 calories a day. I should have slowly cut down on the calories, not just cut them out altogether for that long. I feel weak and dizzy because of it... but at the same time, that feels awesome. Does anyone know what i mean?
On the more random side of things, i miss my Jacob insanely. I went pretty much all day yesterday without seeing him because just as i got home from work, he had to leave and go to work. So today, i was looking forward to spending time with him before he went to work... That didn't really happen as planned. I mean, i was with him all day, but there were other people there too. A couple of his sister's friends were living in this house with all of us because they didn't have anywhere to go, and as soon as we got up this morning they told him they'd give us gas money to take them somewhere. We did need the gas money... But they took much longer than they'd said they would, so by the time we got back from that trip, it was time for him to go to work. It's kinda got me feeling down because i simply haven't had much time with him at all these past few days.
Blah... I need to go get a shower and shave. I wanna look extra nice for Jacob when he gets home tonight just because i haven't had much time with him. Weird reasoning? Probably. Do i care? Not at all. I've been putting off shaving for about a week. Haha. So i'm all sorts of hairy and ewwy. Too much information. I know, and i apologize. I just wanted to share that with someone for some odd reason.
Am i rambly in this post? Does it make any sense? I'm too tired to really even think about what i'm writing before i type it out. Haha. I hope this all makes some sort of sense.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Tired Rambling
Well... guess what... i'm having another uncreative day where i really don't feel like putting my post in story form. I know, i've been gone for several days and now i'm giving you a totally random, rambly post. My apologies...
I'm kind of tired because i got roughly 5 hours of sleep last night, and i just now got done with work--at Wendy's. Does anyone else find it ironic that i'm an eating disordered girl whose last three jobs have revolved around food? First, i had a job at a farm/cheese factory. Then, it was a grocery store, and now, it's a fast food place. Seriously, being around thegrease and grossness of the fast food makes me want to be sick sometimes... Today, as i worked in front of the fryer for 2 hours, i actually started to worry that i'd gain weight from inhaling grease fumes or something. Do you think that's possible? Oh goodness, i sound ridiculous, but i honestly am worried about it. I guess the good thing about being around all that fatness is that it makes me want to go all day without eating anything. I could easily pull of a week-long fast as long as i worked every day. But i won't, because i don't wanna hurt Jacob like that.
Today it is insanely tempting to go on a fast though.. because i didn't eat anything before i went to work at 11 this morning, didn't eat anything while at work, and didn't eat anything when i got home around 5. Jacob had to leave to go to his work as soon as i got home, so he didn't make sure i ate anything. He didn't even ask if i'd eaten anything at work like he said he was going to, and that makes me kind of inclined to not eat and hope he doesn't ask when he gets home either. Ugh... I don't know! What should i do?
On the positive side of things, i've lost 4 lbs in 4 days! So i'm insanely happy about that. Hopefully soon i'll be back down to 120. That's the goal of the moment, and i've got 5 more lbs to go to get there. I can do it! Seeing that much progress in those few days is such a huge encouragement and mood booster for me, so i figured i'd share it with you all... just don't add up those numbers and figure out what i currently weigh, ok?
Well, now i'm off to catch up on reading and commenting your lovely blogs. I hope you all are doing well. Remember, i love you all!
I'm kind of tired because i got roughly 5 hours of sleep last night, and i just now got done with work--at Wendy's. Does anyone else find it ironic that i'm an eating disordered girl whose last three jobs have revolved around food? First, i had a job at a farm/cheese factory. Then, it was a grocery store, and now, it's a fast food place. Seriously, being around the
Today it is insanely tempting to go on a fast though.. because i didn't eat anything before i went to work at 11 this morning, didn't eat anything while at work, and didn't eat anything when i got home around 5. Jacob had to leave to go to his work as soon as i got home, so he didn't make sure i ate anything. He didn't even ask if i'd eaten anything at work like he said he was going to, and that makes me kind of inclined to not eat and hope he doesn't ask when he gets home either. Ugh... I don't know! What should i do?
On the positive side of things, i've lost 4 lbs in 4 days! So i'm insanely happy about that. Hopefully soon i'll be back down to 120. That's the goal of the moment, and i've got 5 more lbs to go to get there. I can do it! Seeing that much progress in those few days is such a huge encouragement and mood booster for me, so i figured i'd share it with you all... just don't add up those numbers and figure out what i currently weigh, ok?
Well, now i'm off to catch up on reading and commenting your lovely blogs. I hope you all are doing well. Remember, i love you all!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Fitting Room
"Fuck," i said softly inside the fitting room, staring down at the pants that refused to button because of my thickness. "These should fit! They're a size 3... That's the size i usually get."
Ana rolled her eyes. "They don't fit because you ate lunch and have been doing that and much more for the past several weeks." She threw a size 5 at me. "If you're lucky those will fit you."
I caught the larger pants and tried them on. Even they were tight, but they did button. I sighed. "Should i go with a size larger?" i asked myself.
Ana shook her head violently. "Definitely not. First off, do you really want to tell the lady working here to bring you a larger size?"
I shuddered at the thought. "No."
"Right. And secondly, you are going to work hard and get that size 5 that's tight on you now to be entirely too big. They'll be your thinspiration for the time being."
I nodded. "Ok."
"What size?" Jacob asked me as i emerged from the fitting room.
For the first time ever, i glared at him. "Do NOT ask me that," i hissed, biting my lip to keep the tears from coming.
He looked a bit hurt, and i felt bad. He simply said, "Ok, baby. I'm sorry," and paid for them for me.
As soon as we were out of the store i said, "Do you know what i'm going to do now? I'm going to stop eating again. I can't handle this. I'm growing and growing and growing; it has to stop." Once again, i blinked back the tears.
"No," he said. "You promised me you wouldn't do that."
I felt bad... but Ana was muttering in my ear "you're fat, you're fat, you're fat," so i replied to him with, "I need to!"
"Honey, we can work out every day. I promise to work out with you every day. Just please, eat once a day. Please."
I sighed. He'd made that promise before, and it hadn't happened, but i couldn't not trust him, not with as honest and earnest as he sounded. "We'll try it," i conceded.
"Good enough, i guess," Ana said. "But you'd better make it work, because if you don't lose from this, you're going to stop eating!"
Ana rolled her eyes. "They don't fit because you ate lunch and have been doing that and much more for the past several weeks." She threw a size 5 at me. "If you're lucky those will fit you."
I caught the larger pants and tried them on. Even they were tight, but they did button. I sighed. "Should i go with a size larger?" i asked myself.
Ana shook her head violently. "Definitely not. First off, do you really want to tell the lady working here to bring you a larger size?"
I shuddered at the thought. "No."
"Right. And secondly, you are going to work hard and get that size 5 that's tight on you now to be entirely too big. They'll be your thinspiration for the time being."
I nodded. "Ok."
"What size?" Jacob asked me as i emerged from the fitting room.
For the first time ever, i glared at him. "Do NOT ask me that," i hissed, biting my lip to keep the tears from coming.
He looked a bit hurt, and i felt bad. He simply said, "Ok, baby. I'm sorry," and paid for them for me.
As soon as we were out of the store i said, "Do you know what i'm going to do now? I'm going to stop eating again. I can't handle this. I'm growing and growing and growing; it has to stop." Once again, i blinked back the tears.
"No," he said. "You promised me you wouldn't do that."
I felt bad... but Ana was muttering in my ear "you're fat, you're fat, you're fat," so i replied to him with, "I need to!"
"Honey, we can work out every day. I promise to work out with you every day. Just please, eat once a day. Please."
I sighed. He'd made that promise before, and it hadn't happened, but i couldn't not trust him, not with as honest and earnest as he sounded. "We'll try it," i conceded.
"Good enough, i guess," Ana said. "But you'd better make it work, because if you don't lose from this, you're going to stop eating!"
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Sing With Me
"I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road"
-Eminem "I'm Not Afraid"
That man is a genius when it comes to writing incredible lyrics. I'm downloading some of his music to take along with me when i go for today's run right now, and i just found those lyrics suitable for what we do here on our blogs. We walk this road together and let each other know that we're not alone. That's what helps us not to be afraid.
Anyway, to update you all on what's happening with me... not a lot. I only ate one meal today, but it was the worst possible meal ever: 2 pieces of pizza and 1 breadstick. I know that is disgustingly fatty. I feel horrid for eating it, but it's what Jacob wanted for lunch, and i can't tell him no when he wants something. To top that off, it's just messing with my stomach so badly... I really feel like i'm going to be sick, but i can't make that happen. That seems to be the case no matter what i eat anymore though. Even last night, i ate an apple and thought that it was going to make me sick. What's wrong with me that's making that happen? Ugh! I just want it to stop.
Seriously, i want this whole disorder to stop. I wanna be able to eat like a normal person: eat when i'm hungry, stop when i'm full, and not feel guilty about eating anymore. Jacob says that i could learn to control my mind and stop letting it control me, and then Ana would go away and leave me alone... But i really don't see how i could do that... Plus, half of me wants to hang onto Ana for dear life, despite the fact that i hate her sometimes.
Sorry this post is such a downer... I'm just feeling kind of blah and don't have a clue as to why. I was perfectly fine earlier today, but then Jacob wanted to take a nap before he went to work because we stayed up all night last night. I wanted him to stay awake with me so i could spend that time with him, but he went to sleep, and i blew it out of proportion and felt rejected. Pathetic, clingy and controlling of me, huh? Now he's at work and a few of his friends are here... I should be hanging out with them, but instead, i'm feeling antisocial and hiding away from them. I'd rather be on here with you all because i know you understand me.
Ok, i'll shut up and not make ya'll listen to any more of my pathetic whining... I love you, and hope you're doing better than me. Stay strong, and as Eminem says, stay unafraid.
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road"
-Eminem "I'm Not Afraid"
That man is a genius when it comes to writing incredible lyrics. I'm downloading some of his music to take along with me when i go for today's run right now, and i just found those lyrics suitable for what we do here on our blogs. We walk this road together and let each other know that we're not alone. That's what helps us not to be afraid.
Anyway, to update you all on what's happening with me... not a lot. I only ate one meal today, but it was the worst possible meal ever: 2 pieces of pizza and 1 breadstick. I know that is disgustingly fatty. I feel horrid for eating it, but it's what Jacob wanted for lunch, and i can't tell him no when he wants something. To top that off, it's just messing with my stomach so badly... I really feel like i'm going to be sick, but i can't make that happen. That seems to be the case no matter what i eat anymore though. Even last night, i ate an apple and thought that it was going to make me sick. What's wrong with me that's making that happen? Ugh! I just want it to stop.
Seriously, i want this whole disorder to stop. I wanna be able to eat like a normal person: eat when i'm hungry, stop when i'm full, and not feel guilty about eating anymore. Jacob says that i could learn to control my mind and stop letting it control me, and then Ana would go away and leave me alone... But i really don't see how i could do that... Plus, half of me wants to hang onto Ana for dear life, despite the fact that i hate her sometimes.
Sorry this post is such a downer... I'm just feeling kind of blah and don't have a clue as to why. I was perfectly fine earlier today, but then Jacob wanted to take a nap before he went to work because we stayed up all night last night. I wanted him to stay awake with me so i could spend that time with him, but he went to sleep, and i blew it out of proportion and felt rejected. Pathetic, clingy and controlling of me, huh? Now he's at work and a few of his friends are here... I should be hanging out with them, but instead, i'm feeling antisocial and hiding away from them. I'd rather be on here with you all because i know you understand me.
Ok, i'll shut up and not make ya'll listen to any more of my pathetic whining... I love you, and hope you're doing better than me. Stay strong, and as Eminem says, stay unafraid.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Random Update
I just put up my story-form post like 5 minutes ago.. but i've got so much other stuff to tell you all. Ok, it's not really a lot, but it's enough to get it's own separate post... i think. Wow, i'm indecisive, huh?
First off, i just wanted to tell you all that i love you very very much. You're comments made me feel better, even after i was all depressed in my last post. Especially Jillian-Amedee! You all are absolute angels that have all of my love.
Secondly, i'm going to give you all a quick update on how i've been doing as far as eating and exercise goes... which unfortunately, isn't the best... I'm sure if you compared how much i've been eating to what a "normal" person eats, i'd still have the upper hand, but i really have been being pretty weak these past two days. I eat small(ish) portions about three times a day, and the calorie intake is probably around 1,000 every day. That is ENTIRELY too much. I truly need to crack down and stop eating so much. Any tips or ideas on how to thinspire myself? And the exercise... has been completely neglected the past two days as well. Hopefully the fact that i got my old workout routine papers and my stability ball and weights from my parents' house today will get me more motivated in doing that daily now. I'd love to be strong and at least have a few muscles again since i've promised Jacob i'm not going to become skeletal. I felt so pathetic when i picked up the 5 lb weights and thought they were quite heavy. I just need to get back to doing at least 30 minutes of any kind of exercise every day and then bump that time up to an hour.
And lastly, i just needed to brag on my Jacob a little bit. Yesterday was our 4 month anniversary. Not a big time-marker, right? Not even something to be taken notice of by most people. BUT guess what he did! Guess! Go ahead, take a guess! Hehe. Have you guessed yet? Ok, i'll stop keeping you in suspense and tell you. He went to a work meeting that morning, and seemed to be taking forever, but when he came home, he had flowers and a card for me! :) Daisies (because i want a daisy tattoo) and purple carnations (because those are his favorite flowers in his favorite color) mixed with a bit of baby's breath and ferns. They're beautiful! And the card is so sweet. He even took the time to write a nice long note to me inside it. I was totally surprised by it, which made it all the better!
Oh! One last thing.. I really think i'm going to try to write a book, based on my story form blog entries. I get a lot of comments telling me that i should do that, and it's always been a dream of mine to get a book published. I'll do a bit of editing and perfecting and try to figure out a happy ending to put to it and then go around to publishers. What do you think? Should i really try that? Do i really have a chance? I wanna try... But am kinda scared of not actually getting it published. I also am not quite sure how to get it to publishers once i get it all perfected. Any tips on that?
Well, that's enough of my random rambling. I hope you all are doing well. Stay strong!
First off, i just wanted to tell you all that i love you very very much. You're comments made me feel better, even after i was all depressed in my last post. Especially Jillian-Amedee! You all are absolute angels that have all of my love.
Secondly, i'm going to give you all a quick update on how i've been doing as far as eating and exercise goes... which unfortunately, isn't the best... I'm sure if you compared how much i've been eating to what a "normal" person eats, i'd still have the upper hand, but i really have been being pretty weak these past two days. I eat small(ish) portions about three times a day, and the calorie intake is probably around 1,000 every day. That is ENTIRELY too much. I truly need to crack down and stop eating so much. Any tips or ideas on how to thinspire myself? And the exercise... has been completely neglected the past two days as well. Hopefully the fact that i got my old workout routine papers and my stability ball and weights from my parents' house today will get me more motivated in doing that daily now. I'd love to be strong and at least have a few muscles again since i've promised Jacob i'm not going to become skeletal. I felt so pathetic when i picked up the 5 lb weights and thought they were quite heavy. I just need to get back to doing at least 30 minutes of any kind of exercise every day and then bump that time up to an hour.
And lastly, i just needed to brag on my Jacob a little bit. Yesterday was our 4 month anniversary. Not a big time-marker, right? Not even something to be taken notice of by most people. BUT guess what he did! Guess! Go ahead, take a guess! Hehe. Have you guessed yet? Ok, i'll stop keeping you in suspense and tell you. He went to a work meeting that morning, and seemed to be taking forever, but when he came home, he had flowers and a card for me! :) Daisies (because i want a daisy tattoo) and purple carnations (because those are his favorite flowers in his favorite color) mixed with a bit of baby's breath and ferns. They're beautiful! And the card is so sweet. He even took the time to write a nice long note to me inside it. I was totally surprised by it, which made it all the better!
Oh! One last thing.. I really think i'm going to try to write a book, based on my story form blog entries. I get a lot of comments telling me that i should do that, and it's always been a dream of mine to get a book published. I'll do a bit of editing and perfecting and try to figure out a happy ending to put to it and then go around to publishers. What do you think? Should i really try that? Do i really have a chance? I wanna try... But am kinda scared of not actually getting it published. I also am not quite sure how to get it to publishers once i get it all perfected. Any tips on that?
Well, that's enough of my random rambling. I hope you all are doing well. Stay strong!
Large Underwear
I shuffled through the pile of completely disorganized clothes in frustration. "I can't find anything in this mess!" i grumbled. "Jacob, please help me fold and organize these soon."
"There's not really a point in that, hun," he replied. "They'll just get all messed up again in no time. Besides, it's really not that hard to find something in them."
I raised my eyebrows skeptically. "Oh, really? Would you like to find me my red tank top then?"
He laughed. "Ok," he said, putting down his video game controller. "I'll find it for you."
I continued rooting through the clothes at his side. When i spotted something red, i snatched it up, only to glare at it in disgust. It was a pair of Jacob's sister's underwear--size large. "Ugh," i said as my face turned to a shade very much like that of the underwear. "Baby, does my ass really look big enough for those to be mistaken as mine?"
"Yes!" Ana chirped in triumphantly.
"I wasn't asking you," i told her.
Jacob shook his head. "No, sweetheart," he said gently. "Nothing about you looks big at all."
I wasn't sure if i believed him... I knew that i believed Ana though. "Then why did your mom put them in with my clothes when she was doing laundry if they don't look like they could be mine?"
He shrugged. "I don't know, love." He paused and got a teasing grin on his face. "Why don't you go ask her if your butt looks big?"
I rolled my eyes and playfully slapped his shoulder. "Oh, shush." Then i sobered and responded, "I'm sure she'd say it does... because it'd be the truth."
He got a frustrated look on his beautiful face, but still managed to patiently reply, "No, not the truth at all. I just wish you could see how beautiful you really are."
"But i'm not beautiful," i protested.
He wrapped his arms around me tightly and held me close, red tank top search forgotten. "You really are."
Ana shook her head. "No, she's really not. She could be... if she'd stop eating. But that has yet to happen."
"There's not really a point in that, hun," he replied. "They'll just get all messed up again in no time. Besides, it's really not that hard to find something in them."
I raised my eyebrows skeptically. "Oh, really? Would you like to find me my red tank top then?"
He laughed. "Ok," he said, putting down his video game controller. "I'll find it for you."
I continued rooting through the clothes at his side. When i spotted something red, i snatched it up, only to glare at it in disgust. It was a pair of Jacob's sister's underwear--size large. "Ugh," i said as my face turned to a shade very much like that of the underwear. "Baby, does my ass really look big enough for those to be mistaken as mine?"
"Yes!" Ana chirped in triumphantly.
"I wasn't asking you," i told her.
Jacob shook his head. "No, sweetheart," he said gently. "Nothing about you looks big at all."
I wasn't sure if i believed him... I knew that i believed Ana though. "Then why did your mom put them in with my clothes when she was doing laundry if they don't look like they could be mine?"
He shrugged. "I don't know, love." He paused and got a teasing grin on his face. "Why don't you go ask her if your butt looks big?"
I rolled my eyes and playfully slapped his shoulder. "Oh, shush." Then i sobered and responded, "I'm sure she'd say it does... because it'd be the truth."
He got a frustrated look on his beautiful face, but still managed to patiently reply, "No, not the truth at all. I just wish you could see how beautiful you really are."
"But i'm not beautiful," i protested.
He wrapped his arms around me tightly and held me close, red tank top search forgotten. "You really are."
Ana shook her head. "No, she's really not. She could be... if she'd stop eating. But that has yet to happen."
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Tears... Because of Water
"Oh my goodness. Look at yourself! You're a bloated whale!" Ana shouted at me.
"Shut up," i replied. "It's only from water. I haven't eaten a thing today."
She rolled her eyes. "Well then, you shouldn't drink so much water. Ever heard of water-weight?"
I looked down at the water bottle in my hand, feeling a slight twinge of guilt. "I have to give a urine sample for this stupid pre-employment drug test. I can't do that if i only drink as much as i normally do. You know i usually only pee like twice a day because i don't drink enough."
She snorted. "Actually, i believe you usually drink too much. Even what little bit you do drink adds water weight to you."
"Would you please, shut up! This is not the place to have an argument about stupid weight that doesn't even count for anything with you," i said softly from my seat in the testing facility. I'd been there for roughly 20 minutes, wasting the time of the poor woman working there because even after 3 bottles of water i didn't have to take a leak at all. "I'm usually madly dehydrated apparently," i said, continuing the argument i'd said i didn't want to have, "seeing how my body's hanging onto so much water that i feel like throwing up."
"Well throwing up would do you some good right now, seeing how bloated your disgusting stomach is!" Ana countered.
"Screw you," i said. "I'm gonna go try to pee again."
When i finally did manage to fill the cup to the line the lady testing me had indicated, she looked at me with sorrowful eyes. "Oh, honey, i'm so sorry. This is the first time this has ever happened to me, but i just looked at your form and you were supposed to be here within 24 hours of your employer telling you to. You're 4 hours later than that. I'm sorry, but i can't test you."
"Seriously? They never told me that," i replied, fighting back tears that threatened to come more from the thought that i did indeed look like a bloated whale from all the water i'd drank for nothing than the potential that now i wouldn't get the job.
"I'm sorry," the woman said. "I wish i would've looked at that before i put you through the trouble of drinking all that water."
I shook my head. "No, i'm the one that should be sorry for wasting your time." With that i raced out to my Jacob in the car, where i burst into tears.
"Sweetheart, what's wrong?" he asked in surprise.
My reply wasn't to tell him that i wasn't getting tested and that i probably wasn't getting the job. My reply was, "I've gained like 10 lbs in water weight and i look so fat and bloated."
He held me tight and tried to tell me that i looked no different than i did before i drank the water, tried to tell me that water weight didn't count for anything, tried to tell me that i was beautiful... But Ana countered everything he said with the truth, and i just kept crying.
**I didn't get the job... but i did get one that pays less than that one would have, so fortunately i'm not jobless, and i'm feeling a bit better now that i managed to pee off all of that water weight. However, i find it absolutely pathetic and ridiculous that it was drinking too much water that made me cry like an idiot... God help me and my disordered mind.**
"Shut up," i replied. "It's only from water. I haven't eaten a thing today."
She rolled her eyes. "Well then, you shouldn't drink so much water. Ever heard of water-weight?"
I looked down at the water bottle in my hand, feeling a slight twinge of guilt. "I have to give a urine sample for this stupid pre-employment drug test. I can't do that if i only drink as much as i normally do. You know i usually only pee like twice a day because i don't drink enough."
She snorted. "Actually, i believe you usually drink too much. Even what little bit you do drink adds water weight to you."
"Would you please, shut up! This is not the place to have an argument about stupid weight that doesn't even count for anything with you," i said softly from my seat in the testing facility. I'd been there for roughly 20 minutes, wasting the time of the poor woman working there because even after 3 bottles of water i didn't have to take a leak at all. "I'm usually madly dehydrated apparently," i said, continuing the argument i'd said i didn't want to have, "seeing how my body's hanging onto so much water that i feel like throwing up."
"Well throwing up would do you some good right now, seeing how bloated your disgusting stomach is!" Ana countered.
"Screw you," i said. "I'm gonna go try to pee again."
When i finally did manage to fill the cup to the line the lady testing me had indicated, she looked at me with sorrowful eyes. "Oh, honey, i'm so sorry. This is the first time this has ever happened to me, but i just looked at your form and you were supposed to be here within 24 hours of your employer telling you to. You're 4 hours later than that. I'm sorry, but i can't test you."
"Seriously? They never told me that," i replied, fighting back tears that threatened to come more from the thought that i did indeed look like a bloated whale from all the water i'd drank for nothing than the potential that now i wouldn't get the job.
"I'm sorry," the woman said. "I wish i would've looked at that before i put you through the trouble of drinking all that water."
I shook my head. "No, i'm the one that should be sorry for wasting your time." With that i raced out to my Jacob in the car, where i burst into tears.
"Sweetheart, what's wrong?" he asked in surprise.
My reply wasn't to tell him that i wasn't getting tested and that i probably wasn't getting the job. My reply was, "I've gained like 10 lbs in water weight and i look so fat and bloated."
He held me tight and tried to tell me that i looked no different than i did before i drank the water, tried to tell me that water weight didn't count for anything, tried to tell me that i was beautiful... But Ana countered everything he said with the truth, and i just kept crying.
**I didn't get the job... but i did get one that pays less than that one would have, so fortunately i'm not jobless, and i'm feeling a bit better now that i managed to pee off all of that water weight. However, i find it absolutely pathetic and ridiculous that it was drinking too much water that made me cry like an idiot... God help me and my disordered mind.**
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Progress and Love
"I'm hungry," i whispered.
"Shut up and just go to sleep," Ana shot back. "Hunger is a good thing."
Jacob looked up from the cards in his hand. "What'd you say, baby?"
I shook my head and put down one of the cards from my hand. "Nothing. I'm just getting sleepy. I think i wanna go to bed after this game."
"OK. You can do that. I think i'll stay up for a while and play a video game or something though," he replied.
"Good girl," Ana said, patting me on the back. She pointed to one of the cards i held. "This one will win you the game."
I smiled at her. "Thanks," i said.
She wrapped her arms around me. "Any time, sweetie. Especially since you've been doing so well with listening to me. I mean, sure, you're eating a bit more than i'd like, but none of it is bad food anymore. All fruits and veggies and a tad bit of chicken from time to time. You've even lost 3 pounds in 2 days, and you have finally found that adamant resolve to exercise every day and let nothing get in the way. I'm proud of you. I'm even happy with Jacob for helping you out with it a bit. He could do more of that helping... but i know that even the tiny bit he has done is more than anyone could ever expect."
I leaned into her embrace and played the card she'd showed me.
Jacob groaned and made a face in response to my card.
I giggled. "Sorry, love, but i gotta do my best to win."
He faked an angry scowl. "You'd best be planning to make it up to me somehow!"
"Will this do?" i asked, and circled my arms around his neck to kiss him.
He responded to my kiss and said, "Maybe if you give me about a million more of those."
I smiled. "I believe i can do that."
He returned the smile. "I love you so much."
"And i love you so much," i replied.
Ana's arms went around the both of us. "And somehow, i love you both."
"Shut up and just go to sleep," Ana shot back. "Hunger is a good thing."
Jacob looked up from the cards in his hand. "What'd you say, baby?"
I shook my head and put down one of the cards from my hand. "Nothing. I'm just getting sleepy. I think i wanna go to bed after this game."
"OK. You can do that. I think i'll stay up for a while and play a video game or something though," he replied.
"Good girl," Ana said, patting me on the back. She pointed to one of the cards i held. "This one will win you the game."
I smiled at her. "Thanks," i said.
She wrapped her arms around me. "Any time, sweetie. Especially since you've been doing so well with listening to me. I mean, sure, you're eating a bit more than i'd like, but none of it is bad food anymore. All fruits and veggies and a tad bit of chicken from time to time. You've even lost 3 pounds in 2 days, and you have finally found that adamant resolve to exercise every day and let nothing get in the way. I'm proud of you. I'm even happy with Jacob for helping you out with it a bit. He could do more of that helping... but i know that even the tiny bit he has done is more than anyone could ever expect."
I leaned into her embrace and played the card she'd showed me.
Jacob groaned and made a face in response to my card.
I giggled. "Sorry, love, but i gotta do my best to win."
He faked an angry scowl. "You'd best be planning to make it up to me somehow!"
"Will this do?" i asked, and circled my arms around his neck to kiss him.
He responded to my kiss and said, "Maybe if you give me about a million more of those."
I smiled. "I believe i can do that."
He returned the smile. "I love you so much."
"And i love you so much," i replied.
Ana's arms went around the both of us. "And somehow, i love you both."
Monday, June 21, 2010
Grocery Store Trip--And For Once, Not In a Bad Way
I'm feeling uncreative tonight, so ya'll are gonna have to deal with a non-story-form post. Sorry. But thank you all so much for your beautiful, uplifting comments. They truly make my day. I always smile to hear your encouraging words. I figured i'd reply to them all right here for once, just because i felt the need to respond to you.
Lacey-What kind of challenge would you like? I'm up for almost anything involving the workout thingy, but have made a promise to my Jacob that i won't count calories, so that can't be involved, but i always love a buddy and a challenge.
WannaBskinny-You think my posts are poetic? That's the hugest compliment ever! I'm in love with poetry.
Ana's Sarah- We shall both get there soon! Stay strong, and i will too.
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-You leave some quite lovely comments yourself. You made me smile.
Gummy Bear-You're just a doll. :) I'm very glad to hear that you're not struggling in the same way that i am, and i'm also glad to hear that you enjoyed my blog anyway.
Anyway, as for what's going on with me, i'm doing insanely well. I'm actually pretty happy. The other day, Jacob did ask me what was wrong, and, as i threatened Ana, i told him the absolute truth. You all will never guess what this amazing man did in response. No, he didn't get mad. No, he was not frustrated. No, he was not even slightly upset. He took me to the grocery store--i know that sounds awful right there, but just wait, there's more--and bought me almost every single kind of fruit to be found there. He bought me a bunch of vegetables too. AND he told me that i don't have to eat red meat at all anymore. He's ok with me being insanely picky about what i eat, as long as i am eating something at least once a day. I found that incredible. I knew there was a reason i was in love with this man. Lol. But no, seriously, it's incredible. Today, he went walking with me for roughly 2 hours too. I know that's not the best of workouts, but hey, it's a glorious start, especially with him at my side.
I hope you all are doing well too. Stay strong, reach your goals, but most importantly, do your very best to be happy. I love you!!
Lacey-What kind of challenge would you like? I'm up for almost anything involving the workout thingy, but have made a promise to my Jacob that i won't count calories, so that can't be involved, but i always love a buddy and a challenge.
WannaBskinny-You think my posts are poetic? That's the hugest compliment ever! I'm in love with poetry.
Ana's Sarah- We shall both get there soon! Stay strong, and i will too.
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-You leave some quite lovely comments yourself. You made me smile.
Gummy Bear-You're just a doll. :) I'm very glad to hear that you're not struggling in the same way that i am, and i'm also glad to hear that you enjoyed my blog anyway.
Anyway, as for what's going on with me, i'm doing insanely well. I'm actually pretty happy. The other day, Jacob did ask me what was wrong, and, as i threatened Ana, i told him the absolute truth. You all will never guess what this amazing man did in response. No, he didn't get mad. No, he was not frustrated. No, he was not even slightly upset. He took me to the grocery store--i know that sounds awful right there, but just wait, there's more--and bought me almost every single kind of fruit to be found there. He bought me a bunch of vegetables too. AND he told me that i don't have to eat red meat at all anymore. He's ok with me being insanely picky about what i eat, as long as i am eating something at least once a day. I found that incredible. I knew there was a reason i was in love with this man. Lol. But no, seriously, it's incredible. Today, he went walking with me for roughly 2 hours too. I know that's not the best of workouts, but hey, it's a glorious start, especially with him at my side.
I hope you all are doing well too. Stay strong, reach your goals, but most importantly, do your very best to be happy. I love you!!
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Fading Smile
I woke up feeling fatter than ever. Ana woke up next to me, prodding at the disgusting pudge that made up my stomach. "Tubby," she accused. "You just keep gaining."
I pushed her away and hurried into the bathroom, doing my best to not even look at the scale. It scared me to think what number i would see if i got up the courage to step on it after as much as i'd eaten yesterday. "My friends were making me eat," i told myself.
Ana rolled her eyes as she stood next to me. "Bullshit. They simply put the food on your plate. They didn't tell you that you had to eat any or all of it."
I frowned at her. "Rob did too! He put that second piece of pizza on my plate and said 'you have to eat that.' When i asked him why, he told me because i was skin and bones." I paused. "It made me smile... even though it was a lie."
"You're damn right it was a lie!" Ana replied. "You may have skin and bones, but the skin is dimpled with cellulite and the bones are covered up with fat."
I rushed away from the bathroom and back into the bedroom, hoping vainly to leave Ana behind as well as the scale as i crawled into bed beside my Jacob. He opened his beautiful brown eyes and smiled at me. "Good morning, gorgeous," he said.
"Good morning, love," i replied, unable to return the smile as Ana hissed in my ear that i was far from gorgeous.
He wrapped his arms around me and said with concern. "Why do you look so sad? I wanna see a smile."
I tried to smile, but failed. I blamed it on the cramps from my period causing me pain. But i was so tired of lying to him... "Tonight i'm going to tell him the truth if he asks me what's bothering me," i told Ana, who just rolled her eyes in response.
"I don't wanna go to work today," Jacob said, holding me tightly. "I hate work."
"Why?" i asked, a little bit shocked. "I thought you liked your job."
"I would if it didn't mean having to be away from you," he said.
Ana snorted from her place beside me. "I'd think it'd make him happy to get away from a fatty like you."
"Please leave me alone," i whispered to her.
She shook her head. "I'm not going to do that and let you keep getting fat. I love you too much." Then she began to softly sing the chorus to a song i loved, giving it all new meaning. "Fate fell short this time. Your smile fades in the summer. Place your hand in mine; i'll leave when i wanna." blink182 had never had such meaningful lyrics to me as they did just then.
**My new goal is to stop eating whatever whenever. I will eat ONLY once a day, and drink ONLY water unless i am parched and there is no option of water--which, most likely, will not ever happen! I also will start working out every single day with no exceptions or excuses of any sort. I MUST get back to truly being skin and bones.**
I pushed her away and hurried into the bathroom, doing my best to not even look at the scale. It scared me to think what number i would see if i got up the courage to step on it after as much as i'd eaten yesterday. "My friends were making me eat," i told myself.
Ana rolled her eyes as she stood next to me. "Bullshit. They simply put the food on your plate. They didn't tell you that you had to eat any or all of it."
I frowned at her. "Rob did too! He put that second piece of pizza on my plate and said 'you have to eat that.' When i asked him why, he told me because i was skin and bones." I paused. "It made me smile... even though it was a lie."
"You're damn right it was a lie!" Ana replied. "You may have skin and bones, but the skin is dimpled with cellulite and the bones are covered up with fat."
I rushed away from the bathroom and back into the bedroom, hoping vainly to leave Ana behind as well as the scale as i crawled into bed beside my Jacob. He opened his beautiful brown eyes and smiled at me. "Good morning, gorgeous," he said.
"Good morning, love," i replied, unable to return the smile as Ana hissed in my ear that i was far from gorgeous.
He wrapped his arms around me and said with concern. "Why do you look so sad? I wanna see a smile."
I tried to smile, but failed. I blamed it on the cramps from my period causing me pain. But i was so tired of lying to him... "Tonight i'm going to tell him the truth if he asks me what's bothering me," i told Ana, who just rolled her eyes in response.
"I don't wanna go to work today," Jacob said, holding me tightly. "I hate work."
"Why?" i asked, a little bit shocked. "I thought you liked your job."
"I would if it didn't mean having to be away from you," he said.
Ana snorted from her place beside me. "I'd think it'd make him happy to get away from a fatty like you."
"Please leave me alone," i whispered to her.
She shook her head. "I'm not going to do that and let you keep getting fat. I love you too much." Then she began to softly sing the chorus to a song i loved, giving it all new meaning. "Fate fell short this time. Your smile fades in the summer. Place your hand in mine; i'll leave when i wanna." blink182 had never had such meaningful lyrics to me as they did just then.
**My new goal is to stop eating whatever whenever. I will eat ONLY once a day, and drink ONLY water unless i am parched and there is no option of water--which, most likely, will not ever happen! I also will start working out every single day with no exceptions or excuses of any sort. I MUST get back to truly being skin and bones.**
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Rude People Only Tell the Truth
"Wake up with me!" i said, playfully kissing Jacob's closed eyes.
He opened one eye a crack and said, "I'm awake."
I laughed. "No, you're not. Wake up with me. I gotta walk to the post office and get this bill in the mail."
"You could drive there," he said through a yawn.
I shook my head. "No need to waste the gas like that. It's less than half a mile. Come walk with me."
His turn to shake his head. "I don't wanna walk, baby girl. It's gonna be hot... and i wanna sleep."
Once again i laughed. "All right then, go back to sleep and be ready to wake up with me when i get back."
He mumbled something incoherent as was his tendency when he was half asleep and kissed my lips. "Love you."
"And i love you," i replied and headed out the door.
As i walked along, i looked down at the ground, but got distracted by my fat, white, jiggly thighs. "What was i thinking, wearing short shorts?" i growled to myself. "Maybe i'm glad Jacob isn't here to see this disgusting jiggling mess of fat."
Ana nodded as she appeared beside me. "They do wobble with every step, don't they? You need to get some daily exercise and not eat so much."
I sighed and tried to ignore her as i finished my trip to the post office. On the way back home, i heard a sarcastic voice say, "Here comes a hottie!" Its owner smirked as he waved his hand in my direction.
"Oh, dude..." his companion groaned softly, putting his head in his hands after looking at me.
I did my best to keep my chin up as i walked past the both of them, and once they were out of sight, i sprinted the rest of the way to the house, hoping that i wouldn't encounter any other people at all.
"They had a perfect reason to mock you, fatty," Ana said as i opened the door and blinked back a few tears.
"Shut up," i responded and headed back to the bedroom where Jacob was.
I didn't say a word as i crawled under the covers next to him, hoping he'd stay asleep and not see my pain, but his beautiful eyes opened and his arms wrapped around me. "What's wrong, gorgeous?"
I cringed at that pet-name that i knew had to be a lie and shook my head. "No, i'm fine."
He frowned. "You sure?"
I nodded. "I'm sure."
"Ok," he replied, but the worried look didn't leave his face. His hands moved gently over my back and sides.
I buried my head in the pillow and prayed that he didn't touch the disgusting fatness of my stomach. "I'm going back to sleep," i said, fighting to hide my hurt from him. This was not an experience i wanted to share with him.
He opened one eye a crack and said, "I'm awake."
I laughed. "No, you're not. Wake up with me. I gotta walk to the post office and get this bill in the mail."
"You could drive there," he said through a yawn.
I shook my head. "No need to waste the gas like that. It's less than half a mile. Come walk with me."
His turn to shake his head. "I don't wanna walk, baby girl. It's gonna be hot... and i wanna sleep."
Once again i laughed. "All right then, go back to sleep and be ready to wake up with me when i get back."
He mumbled something incoherent as was his tendency when he was half asleep and kissed my lips. "Love you."
"And i love you," i replied and headed out the door.
As i walked along, i looked down at the ground, but got distracted by my fat, white, jiggly thighs. "What was i thinking, wearing short shorts?" i growled to myself. "Maybe i'm glad Jacob isn't here to see this disgusting jiggling mess of fat."
Ana nodded as she appeared beside me. "They do wobble with every step, don't they? You need to get some daily exercise and not eat so much."
I sighed and tried to ignore her as i finished my trip to the post office. On the way back home, i heard a sarcastic voice say, "Here comes a hottie!" Its owner smirked as he waved his hand in my direction.
"Oh, dude..." his companion groaned softly, putting his head in his hands after looking at me.
I did my best to keep my chin up as i walked past the both of them, and once they were out of sight, i sprinted the rest of the way to the house, hoping that i wouldn't encounter any other people at all.
"They had a perfect reason to mock you, fatty," Ana said as i opened the door and blinked back a few tears.
"Shut up," i responded and headed back to the bedroom where Jacob was.
I didn't say a word as i crawled under the covers next to him, hoping he'd stay asleep and not see my pain, but his beautiful eyes opened and his arms wrapped around me. "What's wrong, gorgeous?"
I cringed at that pet-name that i knew had to be a lie and shook my head. "No, i'm fine."
He frowned. "You sure?"
I nodded. "I'm sure."
"Ok," he replied, but the worried look didn't leave his face. His hands moved gently over my back and sides.
I buried my head in the pillow and prayed that he didn't touch the disgusting fatness of my stomach. "I'm going back to sleep," i said, fighting to hide my hurt from him. This was not an experience i wanted to share with him.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Exhaustion
My fingers trembled as i reached into the refrigerator; Ana helped the trembling by smacking them as hard as her petite, bony hands could. "Would you stop?" i asked her. "I haven't eaten anything yet today."
"But are you hungry?" she asked.
My gaze fell to the floor. "I... It's just..."
She shook her head. "That's what i figured."
C crept into the kitchen and stood next to me. "Oh, Ana, please. This girl is stressed out," she defended me, reaching for the luncheon meat and Miracle Whip.
I nodded. "That's true. I don't know if i'm going to be able to pay all of my bills on time. And Jacob has his fine payments coming up too. We're so short on money it's ridiculous."
Ana just stared skeptically without saying a word as C and i both put together a sandwich.
"On top of that, her Jacob needs a couple teeth out so badly that it's infecting the rest of his body," C chipped in. "They need the money for that too. And she's tired of not having any organization to her clothes, feeling like she always looks mismatched and blah."
"And i feel as if Jacob's sister who lives with us really dislikes me. She's always looking at me with this 'i'm better than you' look on her face even though i've never done anything to make her feel that way."
"Enough of the excuses! Stress is no reason at all to eat." Ana shouted at both of us. "You," she screamed, pointing her finger at C, "get out! I told you to never come close to Jo again."
C whimpered. "I was only going to have her eat a single sandwich, not a full-out binge," she defended herself.
"Out!" Ana insisted. C obeyed with a disappointed look and a tiny wave in my direction. I waved back. "And you!" Ana's finger was in my face now. "You'd better eat nothing more than that stupid sandwich today."
"You're as moody as i am," i muttered and bit into my sandwich, half hoping she'd hear me, and half hoping she wouldn't.
But she heard; she always heard. "It's your fault," she hissed. "If you'd stop eating, i'd be perfectly happy--and so would you!"
I nodded. "I know... I'm tired of eating... but i'm tired of not eating..." I looked her straight in her angry eyes. "I'm tired of not knowing what to do!" And then i burst into tears.
"But are you hungry?" she asked.
My gaze fell to the floor. "I... It's just..."
She shook her head. "That's what i figured."
C crept into the kitchen and stood next to me. "Oh, Ana, please. This girl is stressed out," she defended me, reaching for the luncheon meat and Miracle Whip.
I nodded. "That's true. I don't know if i'm going to be able to pay all of my bills on time. And Jacob has his fine payments coming up too. We're so short on money it's ridiculous."
Ana just stared skeptically without saying a word as C and i both put together a sandwich.
"On top of that, her Jacob needs a couple teeth out so badly that it's infecting the rest of his body," C chipped in. "They need the money for that too. And she's tired of not having any organization to her clothes, feeling like she always looks mismatched and blah."
"And i feel as if Jacob's sister who lives with us really dislikes me. She's always looking at me with this 'i'm better than you' look on her face even though i've never done anything to make her feel that way."
"Enough of the excuses! Stress is no reason at all to eat." Ana shouted at both of us. "You," she screamed, pointing her finger at C, "get out! I told you to never come close to Jo again."
C whimpered. "I was only going to have her eat a single sandwich, not a full-out binge," she defended herself.
"Out!" Ana insisted. C obeyed with a disappointed look and a tiny wave in my direction. I waved back. "And you!" Ana's finger was in my face now. "You'd better eat nothing more than that stupid sandwich today."
"You're as moody as i am," i muttered and bit into my sandwich, half hoping she'd hear me, and half hoping she wouldn't.
But she heard; she always heard. "It's your fault," she hissed. "If you'd stop eating, i'd be perfectly happy--and so would you!"
I nodded. "I know... I'm tired of eating... but i'm tired of not eating..." I looked her straight in her angry eyes. "I'm tired of not knowing what to do!" And then i burst into tears.
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