Kill Me

OK, i'm sick of binging. I'm sick of failing. I'm sick of being this stupid, fat, disgusting version of me. It's either lose this weight or buy a fucking knife and cut it off. Seriously, next time i binge, i'm getting hold of a knife.

Back to Ana

"You're pathetic," Ana and i both said in one voice.
I stared at the fat hanging from my frame. "Why do i do this to myself when i know i'm just going to hate myself for it?"
"Fucking Shaun," Ana hissed.
"No, don't ever say that," i corrected her. "It's not him; it's me. I don't have to listen to him; i don't have to eat as much as i do; he doesn't even ask me to eat as much as i do."
She rolled her eyes. "Whatever. You were doing fine until he put the ideas of eating in your head. You were starting to see ribs, and now what do you see?" I opened my mouth to answer, but she cut me off, "That's right: FAT."
I sighed. "I know."
"Come on, Jo. What happened to you? You can't even fast for 24 hours. You're off painting the town with C, and ignoring me. I'm the one who can make you beautiful; i'm the one who loves you!"
"I wish i knew, Ana. I wish i knew what's come over me. I hate it."
"So change it!"
"I'm trying, but--"
She cut me off again, "No, no 'but's you're not trying, at least not hard enough!" She looked into my eyes with such undeniable love that my heart skipped a bit. "Come back to me, sweetie. Please, i'm begging you. Let me make you beautiful."
I fell into her open arms. "Oh, Ana, i'm so sorry. I always leave you...."
"But i'll never leave you," she promised.
"Make me beautiful," i said.

Short Update

At 1:00 pm today, i began a fast, a fast which i will not break for at least 24 hours, although i aim for 48. Wish me luck. Pray that i don't fail as i did earlier today.

Random Whining

Ugh. As usual, i failed ABC before i even started it. Yesterday was good up until about 8:30, when i was watching a movie at a friends house with Shaun and two other people, and Cassie got out the chips and salsa. Of course everyone insisted that i eat some, so it wasn't really my choice, but at the same time it WAS my choice, and it WAS my failure. I'd had exactly 500 Calories prior to that, so it took me over the first limit for ABC. FAILED BEFORE I EVEN STARTED!
SO since i failed, i decided to come home and binge. At least it wasn't all shit food. Actually, the only junk i had all day was the chips and salsa and ONE cookie. Go me, i managed to stop at one. (Trying to be positive here...) I'm sure i stayed under 1500 Cals for the day, but still... Ew.
Waking up this morning, i find out that i have my stupid, fat period. Talk about adding insult to injury. I fail and fail and fail, and my body decides to agree with my brain and tell me i'm friggin fat. I'm bloated from that and last nights binge, so i'm just fat in general with massive cramps on top of it. Gotta love being a woman.
On a more happy note: Shaun is absolutely amazing and i LOVE LOVE LOVE him, even if he and Ana don't get along. He also hasn't been monitoring my eating as strictly. He doesn't ask for a Calorie count or inventory of what i ate at the end of the day every day, so that's good. I think maybe my extended failure might have been good for getting him off my back so much... I do feel kinda bad being deceptive about my eating habits with him like this, but you know... Gotta do what you gotta do.
I think i'm going to keep my food journal on here from now on, so at the end of my posts, which i'll start doing in the evenings, i'll add my day's food intake. Good plan?
AND i apologize, i haven't been reading or commenting or even posting as often as i should. How can i be more busy now that the holidays are over than i was when they were in full blast? But somehow it seems to be that way. I'm going to go catch up on all your lovely blogs now, and try my best to stay caught up. Stay strong, my dears!

Normal Eating

"Jo, what're you doing?" Ana asked me.
I looked down at the sandwich in my hand and shrugged. "I was hungry."
"That doesn't mean you have to eat. You keep doing this; it's not gonna work. Every time you're hungry, you go and get food. I mean, i'll give you credit for not binging, but this 'normal' eating isn't going to get you anywhere either."
I sighed. "I'm just trying to get back on track from where i derailed with holiday binging. I'm going to start ABC back up tomorrow."
"No," Ana told me. "That's a lie.You haven't even been thinking about getting back on track; you haven't been thinking at all, just following your greedy human instincts to put food in your mouth when your stomach gurgles. You're forgetting me."
Her accusation was far too true for my liking. "But... Shaun's happy about it..." i tried to defend myself.
She shook her head violently. "Well Shaun obviously doesn't want to help you meet your goals, now does he?" She put a hand on my shoulder and turned me around to face the mirror. "Look in the mirror, sweetie. Can you honestly tell me you're happy with what you see?"
My eyes ran over my own body: the too-big arms, the stupid pudge of a stomach, the perpetually jiggly thighs... Then they moved over to survey Ana in all her tiny glory: her stick thin arms, her sunken in stomach, the bones of her thighs. She was beautiful, and i certainly was far from it. There was no way to make peace with this huge gelatinous beast that was my body like Shaun wanted me to. There was not going to be peace between my brain and my body until i shrunk it and changed it and made it into something as beautifully bony as Ana's own.
"I'll do better, Ana," i promised. "Much better."

New Years Resolutions

Weight Related:

1. Get at least halfway through the ABC.
2. Exercise at least 5 days a week every week.
3. No more binges--ever!
4. Lose this damn holiday-weight ASAP!
5. See my bones again.
6. Always keep a food journal.

Other:

1. Keep my room cleaner (i have a habit of just throwing things somewhere on the floor and leaving them to "pick up later" but later never happens).
2. Save money.
3. Work harder towards my modeling career.
4. Find a better paying job.

The Big Resolution:

Stand up for myself and what i want.


I want to make this new year the most amazing year yet. Who's with me?!

Results Day

First off, Greene and Ana, i can't comment your blogs. I don't know. Maybe i'm retarded or maybe my computer just doesn't agree with your layouts, but i promise you this: i am always reading, and i love you girls!

Second... i'm not so excited to post pictures today. Can you tell i'm putting it off? Lol. I've gained (thank you, holiday season junk food). However, part of the motivation to get skinny is having to post pictures no matter what has happened during that week. Damn, i should be able to see my ribs... but i covered them up with peanut butter and fudge and cookies and fatness. Ugh. This week is going to be better.

Third, i'm going to start ABC next monday. I'm waiting so long because i still have some new years parties and luncheons and meetings with friends that i gotta get through before that. However, the fact that i'm waiting to start ABC does NOT mean i have to wait to restrict the very best i can. I will be strong through this. Who's with me?

Lastly, the dreaded pictures :(

Dreams

My heart raced as i ran my fingers through my hair. Another huge clump was left in my hand. "Bloody hell, i'm going to be bald," i muttered, staring at all the wads of hair on the shower floor.
"Skinny and bald," Ana corrected, "which is just fine."
I ran my fingers down the ridges of my ribs in back, smiling at every bump, then down the front, once again feeling every single one. "They're lovely," i said to her.
Visions of peanut butter and cookies danced before my eyes, but i abandoned them with no difficulty and turned instead back to the cold water beating down upon me from the shower-head....
And then i woke up to the obnoxious beeping of my alarm clock. I groaned and rolled over to hit the snooze button and realized to my horror that the dream was not reality. I was still fat, fatter than i had been yesterday thanks to my ridiculous lack of control.
"Who can't even have peanut butter without binging? Pathetic!" Ana had said as i stuffed spoonful after calorie-laden spoonful into my greedy mouth.
"At least today will be better," i told myself. "And at least i'm a bit sore from yesterday's workout." Apparently i had spiraled so far into my self destruction that pain was a reward.
"Hunger would be a better reward," Ana said from my bedside.
I smiled weakly at her, the night-time cold medicine still rushing through my system. "5 more minutes then i'll get up and work out."
She laughed and consented, giving me a gentle kiss on the cheek. "Stay strong today," she whispered. "I want to make your dreams come true."

Salt Water Flush

I shuddered and pushed the glass of salt water away from myself. "Ugh, it's disgusting."
Ana shoved it right back at me. "I don't care. You need it; you've got to clear your body out. You're full of all this shit you've been eating. You need to get rid of it, one way or another."
"Can't i just fast?"
"Well you could," she replied mockingly, "but you won't; you don't have the resolve and you won't lie to your beloved Shaun." Was that a hint of jealousy in her voice? Whatever it was, she was right. I closed my eyes and chugged down the disgusting water. "One more glass," she said, filling it up again.
I shook my head. "No, Ana, i can't."
She held it to my mouth. "You Can!"
I took a few swallows and pushed it away. If it had been making me sick to my stomach, i would have gladly obliged; if it had been doing anything destructive at all, it would have been all right, but all it was doing was tasting horrid. "I've gotta stop. Surely half will have some kind of result."
Ana snorted. "You'd better pray so, you weak, pathetic thing."
Two hours passed, then three, then six. Nothing happened. Ana screamed at me that if i'd been strong enough to drink all the water i would have been just fine. My joints screamed at me that they ached from all the salt. My stomach screamed at me that all that salt was making it retain water and bloat like a horrid, fleshy balloon. My eyes screamed at me to just let them cry.
"Tomorrow," Ana commanded, "You're starting ABC with a minimum of 30 minutes of exercise every day."
I didn't argue. My mind did race to Shaun though. What would he say?
"Don't worry about it," Ana said. "Just tell him the truth when he asks what you ate and how much exercise you did. He's not gonna tally up the Calorie count in his head. You'll be just fine."
I nodded. I needed this.

Sorry I Haven't Been Writing In Story Form Much

I just haven't felt very poetic or creative. Anyways, quick update, i just tried the salt water flush... I drank the water anyway... Well, half of it because i simply could NOT drink all of it. Waaay too gross. Do you think it'll work? Have any of you girls tried it? Oh dear i wish we just had laxxies in this house; that'd be so much easier. I promise to post a story later today.

More Tim Burton Thinspo (I Had Far Too Much Fun With That ) :)

Goodness... Why can't this:



happen to me?! Come on, fat mugger, come take my fat!

I suppose i could be happy with not being bony if i could look this amazing:



Do you suppose that'd make Shaun happy? He says i need to find some "healthier" thinspos. She's beautiful and perfect... Yet, i wonder... can you see bones if she's unclothed? Damn, i'm twisted.

Thinspo and Rant

Not going to work today... Feeling sick and depressed... So yesterday all i did was eat... (slight exaggeration, but really not much). I feel like such a fatty. I want to start ABC on Monday... I want to stop eating food... I want my Ana my way back. It's not going to kill me, i swear. Must find a way to make Shaun see that. Oh dear, i hate myself... 3 days of Christmas food is going to kill me wayy faster than Ana ever would.

Here's a random, Tim Burton inspired thinspo for all of you who actually put up with my rants: