If I Keep Eating Like This, I'm Going to Have to Die

Her pale feet stepped silently through my door; her icy hands grasped my shoulder, nearly making me cry out. "Shhh," she hissed. "It's only me. But if Ana finds out i'm here again, we're both dead."
"No, C..." i whined. "I don't want you here either. I was supposed to restart ABC today; i did so good. I'm way under my Calorie limit. I don't want to go over. I'm already a fat-ass; i don't need to binge and get any fatter."
"Oh come now," she said, waving the ultimate binge food in front of me. "It'll be fun. I brought peanut butter."
I sighed. I'd been so good all day. I'd resisted getting food at Sheetz when i filled up my car with gas; i'd resisted the damn pumpkin whoopie pies at work; i'd resisted the McDonald's drive through. They'd all tempted me, and i'd been strong. Now i was going to throw it all away for a couple spoonfuls of peanut butter? "No, go away."
"Poptarts?"
"No, go away."
"Some veggies?" she mocked.
"No, go away!"
"You can't get rid of me that easy," she said. "Just eat something and i'll let you be then. I promise."
I snatched the peanut butter jar from her hand and dug in. "Happy now?" i said in a frustrated tone.
"Nope, keep going."
Why did anger make me want to binge my fool head off? But it did. I reached for the poptarts when i'd had my fill of peanut butter. I ate and ate until i thought i'd explode. Only then did C leave me and i fell to my bed and slept in a sea of self-hatred.

Reform

"You say you're eating because you're depressed," Ana said. "But have you ever stopped to think that it might be the other way around? You're depressed because you're eating."
I sighed. Four days of "normal"-turned-binge eating had put me right where i was, deeply depressed about everything, especially my weight, so i ate to try to fix that, but it wasn't helping anything. It had to stop, right NOW. "What should i do, Ana?"
She shoved the bottle of diet pills at me. "Take two of those and then take two more six hours from now like you're supposed to. They can't do anything for you if you're not taking them."
I nodded and swallowed two.
"And restart ABC. You said you could complete it, but you couldn't even complete one week of it. I thought you were going to prove yourself to me. So far all you've proven is that you're weak and useless."
I didn't reply, but her words stung like a million angry bees landing directly on my heart. I wanted to be strong; i wanted to be better. I would start over, and this time, i would finish it victoriously.

Smiles, Sunshine, and Starting Over

Oh, you people amaze me. I love you all soooo much! I can't even begin to thank you for your support. And all of those compliments to both me and Shaun! You all are just too sweet. Love love love!
And now for the part you've been waiting for: the continuation of my story:

"I feel sick," i complained.
"That's what happens when you fucking eat everything you see," Ana answered in that disgusted tone i knew far too well.
I groaned. "I know. I'm so out of control."
"No! You think so?" The sarcasm was evident. "Start ABC over," she commanded.
"But everyone else thinks i should just continue."
"Am i everyone else?"
I just shook my head and looked at the floor.
"You want to be perfect, don't you? How can you expect to be perfect if you ABC isn't perfect?"
"I don't know," i murmured. "I guess i can't."
"Exactly."
The sad thing was that i didn't even need to be perfect anymore; i just needed to be closer than i was. I just needed to see some bones. But Ana wanted perfection, and i could not disappoint her.

Advice? +Picture

So i've massively fucked up my ABC plan. Should i start over? Should i start day 3 again? Should i just count day 3 as fail and move on to day 4? What do you think? I'm leaning toward starting over because i want the whole thing to be perfect...cuz i'm a spaz like that, but i want your advice.

Here's a picture of "Shaun" and me. We take horrid pictures. Lol. And my phone is awful with quality of pictures, but i figured i'd share anyway.

Failure

Darkness fell over my little town as i carefully drove home from work, dizziness making me feel high on hunger. "I don't know what i'm going to eat when i get home," i confessed. "I've got 200 Calories left, but i'm in such a bingey mood i'm almost afraid to eat them." I navigated my way past the fast food places and the gas stations with food with a sigh of half-relief, half-disappointment. I so wanted to binge.
"Then don't eat," Ana said simply.
"But i'm hungry," i whined, pulling into my driveway.
"Whatever," Ana said in a frustrated tone. "Eat a half sandwich (110) and an apple (70)."
I nodded. "Ok. I can do that." My mind kept spinning around, trying to find a way to fit in something sweet. Nothing was going to work, so i obediently ate what Ana had told me and went to bed.
But as i lay there, suffering in insomnia, C came crawling into my room on her chubby little hands and knees. "Pssst, Jo!" she whispered. "You know if you're hungry, you should totally eat. It's what people do!"
I ignored her and turned over onto my other side, but she was not willing to be ignored.
She flipped the light on, blinding me. "Jo, you can't go on with this little food. You were dizzy earlier, and you couldn't stand up too fast or everything went black. You HAVE to eat!"
"Go away, C. I already did eat."
"Not enough," she protested. "Besides, you'll sleep better if you eat."
"Shut up!" i shouted. My phone buzzed on the stand next to me, and i snatched it in a desperate attempt to distract myself from the peanut butter C was shoving at me. It only made matters worse. Matt's name glared up at me from the screen, right above the words "i love you. why do you want to kill me?" I dropped the phone to the floor and reached tearfully for the peanut butter. C was right; i couldn't do it. I needed to eat... and eat... and eat...

ABC Day 3

My stomach gurgled. "Damn," i cursed. "I'd hoped i'd wake up not hungry." My arms throbbed from the workout Ana had pushed them through yesterday. I sighed and stretched them, trying to relieve some of the pain.
"Good morning, beautiful," Ana said, slipping through my door. "Feeling shitty yet?"
"Quite."
"That's progress, you know?"
I smiled and let out a bit of a laugh. "Yes, i suppose it is. I wasn't complaining." I ran my hands over the ribs that were starting to poke through my flesh, then moved down to the hard little points of my hipbones. "I'm starting to get bony," i announced.
"I know it," Ana replied with a smile. "Keep listening to me as well as you have been and you'll be truly bony in no time." She reached out her arms to me and wrapped me up in them. "I love you, Jo."
"I love you too, Ana."

Finally, Someone Who Understands Me

"Why are you so jittery?" Shaun asked me as he wrapped his arms around me. "Do i make you nervous or what?"
"It's the diet pills," Ana answered, but Shaun couldn't hear her. Only i could hear her bitter-sweet voice.
I shook my head. "No it's not you... I could tell you, but you'd probably either kill me or think i'm crazy."
He waited for a moment, a look of confusion wrinkling his brow. "Continue," he said cautiously.
I shook my head again. "No, i don't think i should."
"You can't just start out like that and then not tell me. Please?"
I hadn't stopped shaking my head. "No."
"Why not?" he asked.
"Because i haven't told anyone, and i barely know you yet."
"Look, i'm not gonna do whatever you're afraid of, i promise."
"You won't tell anyone even if you think it'd help me if you did?"
He frowned, but accepted. "Ok, i won't tell anyone no matter what."
"I have an eating disorder..." i started out.
"Why would you call me that," Ana hissed in my hear. "Why wouldn't you just say that you have me as your friend?"
"Because then he really would think i'm crazy," i thought, but didn't answer her. "And i've been taking these diet pills," i continued telling Shaun. "You're not supposed to take them with less than 1,000 Calories, but i do, and they make me really shaky."
To my surprise he didn't explode into a million reasons why i should stop taking the pills and start eating normally. "What is your ED? I mean, like Anorexia or Bulimia?"
"Neither, it's EDNOS, but it tends more towards Anorexia."
"That's good," Shaun said with a sigh. "I mean, not good, but better." He laughed nervously. "If it makes you feel any better, i used to be Bulimic."
"No way," i said in surprise.
He nodded. "Yup... So i totally understand what you're going through." He hugged me again. "And don't worry, i'm not going to try to change you, if that's not what you want."
Ana wrapped her arms around the both of us. "I like this one," she said with a grin.
"Me too," i thought, "but i'm still gonna take it a whole lot slower than i did with Matt and Brandon."

Proving Myself

"You're not doing enough!" Ana shouted at me. "You've got to do more. This isn't supposed to be effortless; it's supposed to be hard work. You're supposed to obsess over it, count Calories, exercise your ass off. All you do is ignore food."
"But i thought that was a good thing."
"No! It's not good enough. You've got to prove yourself to me."
I shook my head. "I'm so confused. I thought i was doing well. What do you want from me? How am i to prove myself?"
"Start obsessing, start counting Calories, start exercising 'till you drop. Pick up that old food and exercise journal and fill it in. Restart ABC."
I sighed. "Ana, you're insane."
"So are you," she laughed. "You want my help don't you?"
I nodded.
"Then you have to do what i ask of you."
"Fine," i said, "i'll prove myself."

Short Update

I have no idea... I don't really count calories that much anymore. I just eat when i can't find a way to get out of it. So if im sticking to ABC its purely accidental, but i'm not doing badly. I think i'm getting skinnier. I think; i hope; i pray. I'll possibly post a few pictures later on so you can judge for yourself.
I'm killing Matt, so he says. I don't mean to. I just really don't think i can handle the emotional pain that being with him would bring me. I wish he'd just hate me. I'm so tired of hurting him, and so tired of hurting myself. I'm exhausted with this life. It's horrid and unfair and there's no easy way out of it. Maybe it'll all be better when i'm skinny.

Watch Me.

"Yesterday taught me something," i told Ana. "Being full is the worst feeling ever, and hunger is the best."
She shook her head. "I could have taught you that without the Calories and the binging if you would have just listened to me, but no, you wouldn't want to do that, would you? Now your back at square one; restarting the ABC, pretending you'll actually be able to finish it."
"I might be able to," i defended myself. "I could be the first person ever to finish it."
She burst into bitter laughter. I looked at my feet as she tried to regain her composure. "Jo, you're hilarious," she gasped. "You talk like you have the control to finish ABC when you can't even get past the first two days. You crack me up."
"Shut up, Ana," i muttered. "I'm serious. And it's not that funny."
She didn't shut up. "Yes it is," she insisted, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes.
"Fuck you," i said softly. "I'll prove it to you."
"Fine. You do that." A fire leaped into her eyes.
"I will. Watch me," and i dumped my oatmeal into the trash can.

:(

"Ugh, i feel like i've been hit by a freight train," i groaned.
Ana just laughed. "No you don't. If you felt that bad, you wouldn't want to eat."
"I don't want to eat," i lied, but her glare silenced me. "Give me a binge day, Ana."
"NO! What the hell do you think that that would help? No. No. And again i'll say it: NO!"
"Please, i feel like shit."
"Shit doesn't eat."
"Ana... You know what i mean."
"But i don't care," she said in a matter-of-fact tone.
"I'm too tired to not eat--and i just woke up. I can't go through the whole day this tired."
"What, are you weak?"
"Yes, dammit!"
We went on arguing like that for the better part of a half hour, during which time i refused to take my diet pill. "I just want to eat normally for one day," was my reasoning.
"You don't know how to eat normally. You can only restrict or binge; there is no normal for you," Ana argued. "If i give you your 'normal' day, you'll turn it into a binge day."
I sighed. That was why i'd started out asking for a binge day. Now i was willing to budge a bit and make it a day of normal eating instead of a binge. "I'll try really hard not to," i promised. "You can help me."
"I'm not helping you with that; you're on your own," Ana told me and stomped out the door, her stomps barely making any noise because she was so tiny... I wanted that, but, alas, the peanut butter jar was calling my name. I sighed and obeyed it's voice, feeling guilty the entire time.

I've Been Gone for Far too Long...

It's been a while since i last posted, but i assure you, it's not because i've been doing badly. I've actually been doing quite well (except i do need to start exercising again). Halloween was a bit of a fail, but i had planned for that as i was hanging with my one friend who knows about my ED and thinks that shoving insane amounts of food down my throat will make me better... Yeah, i don't know where she gets that idea, but whatever. So, i'm back on track. I know i told Marc i'd join his fast, but i just don't think that i can, not with my parents and my friends as watchful as they are. I think i might try ABC again. I'm kind of tired of not having a plan and just going with as few Calories as i can. It's getting boring. Haha. So I'm starting ABC today; anyone with me?

I'll be reading and commenting on all your lovely blogs now. Much love to everyone.