Your comments are the bestest things ever! Peri, yours especially always make me smile. I love you all bunches and bunches, and i love it when you comment.
There's not a whole lot new going on right now. Same old, same old, but i figured i should put some kind of update on here because i haven't in a while. I've decided i should make it a weekly thing to update and catch up on blogs. (Hopefully more often than weekly on the catching up part!) Until the baby comes, i really have no updates on anything that i even made this blog about, so i figured i'd keep you all posted on all the fetal developments on a weekly basis. Perhaps that way i'll be less inclined to whine in all of my posts.
As far as the baby goes, i swear i've felt it kick with my hand several times! From what i've heard, i shouldn't be able to feel it kick from the outside for another couple of weeks. But it's a strong little bugger, and is constantly kicking the hell out of my insides just so i can feel it on the outside. Definitely like it's daddy. Haha.
But other than that i really have no updates... boring, i know. But i love you all, and am now off to catch up on what i've missed in your lives!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
I'm still here
I suppose i'm doing alright. Nothing's much easier than it was in my last post, which is why i haven't posted in so long. My typed complaints about the same things will not make them any better, so why should i trouble all of you lovely people with reading them, especially when i have been too wrapped up in my self pity to read and comment on all of your beautiful blogs? I feel like a waste of space in this blogging community right now. I'm fat as anything... and i can't so ANYTHING to fix it right now. In fact, i'm supposed to be gaining weight. I truly despise that part of the pregnacy... I miss Ana and all of her ways so badly...
This past Monday, i went to the doctor for a routine checkup on the baby, and everything with the pregnacy is going well, i suppose. The heartbeat was quite strong, and the little one is kicking up a storm, even kicked at the doppler device (the thingy they use to hear the heartbeat) a couple times while it was on my belly. I will be 22 weeks along this coming tuesday, but i'm not finding out the baby's sex until the 20th of next month, which is very disappointing to both Jesse and myself because we're so ready to know what we're having, and we should be able to know now, but the stupid doctor didn't set up the ultrasound appointment asap like i wanted. But i suppose i can wait a few more weeks without dying of curiosity. The only problem the doctor had when i went for the checkup was that i hadn't gained any weight from the last visit about a month before. I really don't see how that can be possible; i feel like i'm eating enough to feed an army...but i guess in my mind that's probably equal to what the non-disordered American eats when they're not pregnant. I know that my belly has gotten much bigger in the past month though, so how the hell have i not gained anything? ...The number on the scale is still horrifying: 144 lbs. That's approx 12 lbs more than what i weighed before i knew i was pregnant, and i know that's pretty much on track as far as what i should gain with the pregnacy, but i still hate it. I don't think disordered women should be able to get pregnant; it fucks with their minds waaaaay too much.
The job situation is looking better for now. Jesse got a job through a recruiting agency, and his first day is today. He's working a 10 hour day right off the start--at $10 per hour pay! So that really is looking good. Hopefully nothing goes wrong there and he can keep that sort of work up. I managed to get unemployment since no one around here wants to hire someone who's pregnant. I just have to go through all the grueling paperwork that recieveing that money requires. After the baby comes though, i am SO going back to work, not that i want to leave my child, which i really don't, i just want to feel like i'm not useless and making Jesse bring in all the money while i mooch off the government. I hate feeling like a mooch. :(
Living situation is still the same: living out of a one bedroom, one bathroom, one living room with a teeny tiny connected kitchen (and no other rooms) appartment with another couple. It's hard on me, but hopefully it will change soon since Jesse has a job. I'm really trying to be posative with this post so i don't bore you all with my depressive attitude. Did i succeed? I hope so. I'd like to be a posative kind of person, but i'm naturally just not. I wonder how one goes about changing that? Any ideas?
I'm off to try to catch up on some of your blogs before Jesse gets back home and i get to spend a bit of time with him. Wish me luck, and do forgive me for not staying as caught up as i could have. Love and hugs to you all from both me and baby.
This past Monday, i went to the doctor for a routine checkup on the baby, and everything with the pregnacy is going well, i suppose. The heartbeat was quite strong, and the little one is kicking up a storm, even kicked at the doppler device (the thingy they use to hear the heartbeat) a couple times while it was on my belly. I will be 22 weeks along this coming tuesday, but i'm not finding out the baby's sex until the 20th of next month, which is very disappointing to both Jesse and myself because we're so ready to know what we're having, and we should be able to know now, but the stupid doctor didn't set up the ultrasound appointment asap like i wanted. But i suppose i can wait a few more weeks without dying of curiosity. The only problem the doctor had when i went for the checkup was that i hadn't gained any weight from the last visit about a month before. I really don't see how that can be possible; i feel like i'm eating enough to feed an army...but i guess in my mind that's probably equal to what the non-disordered American eats when they're not pregnant. I know that my belly has gotten much bigger in the past month though, so how the hell have i not gained anything? ...The number on the scale is still horrifying: 144 lbs. That's approx 12 lbs more than what i weighed before i knew i was pregnant, and i know that's pretty much on track as far as what i should gain with the pregnacy, but i still hate it. I don't think disordered women should be able to get pregnant; it fucks with their minds waaaaay too much.
The job situation is looking better for now. Jesse got a job through a recruiting agency, and his first day is today. He's working a 10 hour day right off the start--at $10 per hour pay! So that really is looking good. Hopefully nothing goes wrong there and he can keep that sort of work up. I managed to get unemployment since no one around here wants to hire someone who's pregnant. I just have to go through all the grueling paperwork that recieveing that money requires. After the baby comes though, i am SO going back to work, not that i want to leave my child, which i really don't, i just want to feel like i'm not useless and making Jesse bring in all the money while i mooch off the government. I hate feeling like a mooch. :(
Living situation is still the same: living out of a one bedroom, one bathroom, one living room with a teeny tiny connected kitchen (and no other rooms) appartment with another couple. It's hard on me, but hopefully it will change soon since Jesse has a job. I'm really trying to be posative with this post so i don't bore you all with my depressive attitude. Did i succeed? I hope so. I'd like to be a posative kind of person, but i'm naturally just not. I wonder how one goes about changing that? Any ideas?
I'm off to try to catch up on some of your blogs before Jesse gets back home and i get to spend a bit of time with him. Wish me luck, and do forgive me for not staying as caught up as i could have. Love and hugs to you all from both me and baby.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
That's what's up.
So we moved again... cuz i couldn't take living with ryan's mom. She has some mental issues which she takes medication for, but i dont think the meds do anything at all when mixed with alcohol, which she drinks constantly. I'm crazy enough on my own, thanks; i don't need encouragement to go nutso. I cried almost every night living there. Now we're living with the people we chose to be the baby's godparents. We have no issues getting along... it's just a very tiny appartment, and i'm sick of living out of living rooms.
Oh stop your complaining, just be thankful you're not literally living out of the car. Instead you're only half living out of the car, and you know that really is better. *talking to self, don't worry, i do it all the time. it's just part of my craziness.*
No updates on the baby at the moment except i think i felt it kick yesterday. That was actually pretty cool and exciting. I'm 20 weeks now; more than halfway done. Woo! Now i just need a home for him/her when he/she comes. Oh shit, now i'm back to that rant...
Neither of us has a real job yet, and jesse's under the table deer farm job is bullshit. He hasn't worked once this week, not by his choice but because "he's not needed because of the rain." Yeah, big money making stuff there. I applied for unemployment (i think i already told you that), but haven't heard if i'm getting it or not just yet, so i'm job hunting like a mofo and getting nowhere with it. So yeah... i almost started my rant about how that's making me definitely not have a home, but i'm sure ya'll are just as sick of hearing that as i am of thinking it.
I think i'll just shut up now cuz all i do is bitch and cry about having no home. Sorry guys... I wish i was more in a good mood for you all... but i'm just not. I love you though... Leave me comments; help me through this cuz i know i can't do it on my own.
Oh stop your complaining, just be thankful you're not literally living out of the car. Instead you're only half living out of the car, and you know that really is better. *talking to self, don't worry, i do it all the time. it's just part of my craziness.*
No updates on the baby at the moment except i think i felt it kick yesterday. That was actually pretty cool and exciting. I'm 20 weeks now; more than halfway done. Woo! Now i just need a home for him/her when he/she comes. Oh shit, now i'm back to that rant...
Neither of us has a real job yet, and jesse's under the table deer farm job is bullshit. He hasn't worked once this week, not by his choice but because "he's not needed because of the rain." Yeah, big money making stuff there. I applied for unemployment (i think i already told you that), but haven't heard if i'm getting it or not just yet, so i'm job hunting like a mofo and getting nowhere with it. So yeah... i almost started my rant about how that's making me definitely not have a home, but i'm sure ya'll are just as sick of hearing that as i am of thinking it.
I think i'll just shut up now cuz all i do is bitch and cry about having no home. Sorry guys... I wish i was more in a good mood for you all... but i'm just not. I love you though... Leave me comments; help me through this cuz i know i can't do it on my own.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
There are Thorns on Every Rose, in This I'm Reconciled. They're Just a Little Sharper to a Melancholy Child
So more on that job thing that i REALLY don't feel like talking about... A group of us were goofing off one night and some dumbass thought it'd be awesome to take pix and post them on facebook. Good job, good job. The store owner somehow found them and fired all 7 of us right on the spot BUT he called us all in for a meeting just to tell us we were fired rather than being semi-decent about it and just telling us over the phone. Thanks for wasting gas money we definitely don't have now, asshole!
So jesse and i are both jobless, and of course that means we can't afford to get that appartment--or any for that matter.. We can't even afford to pay the rent to live at the shithole we were living at before. Thank god for ryan and his mom. They're letting us live with them for free because otherwise we'd be living out of the car. Their couch is just so uncomfy it's ridiculous, but i guess i really shouldn't be bitching. At least i've got a place to live, right?
I'm just so afraid i'm not going to be able to get a job because i am pregnant and lots of people won't hire you if they know you're pregnant... And then i'm afraid that we won't be able to afford our own place and i'll be raising my child out of people's living rooms. If that's the case, i'd have to consider adoption or something, and i DON"T want to do that... Grr.
Therefore i have hit a depression and have been sitting around sulking and crying for the past 3 days. Jesse says that makes him feel awful, but how the fuck am i supposed to help that?! So yeah. That's what's up with my life. Ain't it lovely?
So jesse and i are both jobless, and of course that means we can't afford to get that appartment--or any for that matter.. We can't even afford to pay the rent to live at the shithole we were living at before. Thank god for ryan and his mom. They're letting us live with them for free because otherwise we'd be living out of the car. Their couch is just so uncomfy it's ridiculous, but i guess i really shouldn't be bitching. At least i've got a place to live, right?
I'm just so afraid i'm not going to be able to get a job because i am pregnant and lots of people won't hire you if they know you're pregnant... And then i'm afraid that we won't be able to afford our own place and i'll be raising my child out of people's living rooms. If that's the case, i'd have to consider adoption or something, and i DON"T want to do that... Grr.
Therefore i have hit a depression and have been sitting around sulking and crying for the past 3 days. Jesse says that makes him feel awful, but how the fuck am i supposed to help that?! So yeah. That's what's up with my life. Ain't it lovely?
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Untitled
I never get to post anymore! I miss you all so much it's ridiculous. I've been living out of a friend's living room for the past week, and there's no internet access up there. So once again, i'm at Wendy's just to write to you all.
I believe i've caught cold.. that or alergies are acting up something awful, and there's next to nothing that i can take for any of that, so my head is in a fog and i feel like i can't breathe. So if this post makes no sense, that's why. That's also why this post is going to be so short...because i feel so shittastic. Grr.
Anyway, not much new. Living out of Ryan's living room....his couch is rather uncomfortable, and his mom is rather psycho, but it's whatever. At least we're more welcome there than where we were living. We found an appartment that we will find out today for sure if we're approved for. I pray that we are... kind of. I don't know if we can really afford it because work is shitting on me.
They're practically demoting me for the sole reason that i'm pregnant. Not straight up demoting me, but telling me to demote myself because apparently i can't handle it in their mind. I don't know what to do. If i don't step down i know they're gonna pick apart my every move until they can demote me themselves which will look even worse on a job application. I don't think my work skills have changed at all except that one breakdown in the past. Nothing else has happened! I hate it. It adds to all the excess stress.
But yeah.. that's really all i have to say.. Too tired to figure out what else is new. Love you guys bunches.
I believe i've caught cold.. that or alergies are acting up something awful, and there's next to nothing that i can take for any of that, so my head is in a fog and i feel like i can't breathe. So if this post makes no sense, that's why. That's also why this post is going to be so short...because i feel so shittastic. Grr.
Anyway, not much new. Living out of Ryan's living room....his couch is rather uncomfortable, and his mom is rather psycho, but it's whatever. At least we're more welcome there than where we were living. We found an appartment that we will find out today for sure if we're approved for. I pray that we are... kind of. I don't know if we can really afford it because work is shitting on me.
They're practically demoting me for the sole reason that i'm pregnant. Not straight up demoting me, but telling me to demote myself because apparently i can't handle it in their mind. I don't know what to do. If i don't step down i know they're gonna pick apart my every move until they can demote me themselves which will look even worse on a job application. I don't think my work skills have changed at all except that one breakdown in the past. Nothing else has happened! I hate it. It adds to all the excess stress.
But yeah.. that's really all i have to say.. Too tired to figure out what else is new. Love you guys bunches.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Looooooong update
Wow. I know i haven't updated in forever, but the internet connection is down at the shit-hole i'm living in. I've got so much to tell you all... i don't even know where to begin! I guess i'll just go through it day by day..
First off, on Monday i went to the doctor and got all the results of bloodwork back, and everything is good there. No complications with the pregnacy, and the baby is healthy. Yay! But then after the doctor appointment, Jesse and i met up with my parents to get our mail that was sent to their house. They bought us lunch at the food court in the mall where we met them, and it was all good. We were talking and getting along quite well, but then i saw my ex..the one who cheated on me the entire two years we were together and was mildly abusive. I crossed my fingers that he hadn't seen me, but he did. He didn't say anything, but he stared at me and circled the food court a bunch of times. Then he went and hid behind a stand like a little girl and flipped me off. We left shortly after that, and i thought nothing of it. But wait, there's more to come on that subject.
Then nothing much happened until Wednesday when i went to hang out with one of my close friends, who is also Jesse's ex. Crazy, huh? But we all get along quite well and he's friends with her as well, so it works out. Anyway, Amber and i decided to go to Wendys (where Jesse and i work) mainly to see Jesse, but also to get her some food. Jesse went on break and we were all sitting at a table talking when my ex showed up there too! How on earth he figured out where i work, i'll never know, but it really did scare me because it felt as if he was following me. He sat at a table right next to us and stared at me with some sort of smirk. We left after Jesse's break was over, and once again, i tried to think nothing of my ex's appearance.
On Thursday, Jesse and i went to hang out with a girl i work with and her girlfriend. We were all hanging out, talking away, paying absolutely no attention to the movie we had rented, and having a good time. These two girls are on fairly good terms with the people we are living with... Let's just say that they can get some stuff that the people we live with enjoy having and leave it at that... But as we were talking, the one girl told us that she had talked with the girl we are living with and was told that she was "sick of our bullshit" and "ready to kick us out". What did we ever do to her?! We keep to ourselves and make sure not to bother them at all. Now i hate living there even more than before.. I was thankful for the warning though... But now, i don't know if it's all in my head or not, but i do feel some sort of odd tension in the house between us and them. Jesse said this morning that he feels it too though. Anyway, i'm beyond ready to get out of there now. In fact, we've been staying out till 4 am most nights, just to keep out of the place. I'm getting less sleep because of it, but i kind of feel like it's worth that.
Then Friday--you're going to laugh at this--Jesse was one of the male dancers at a local club. It was "girls night" at the club, so they had mostly male dancers, all of which were local. Oh lovies, he was so sexy i just wanted to rape him on the stage! Lol. But we both had so much fun with it, and now he says he's going to do it every month since it's a once a month thing. I thought i'd feel awkward having the other guys and girls dance on me, but i really had so much fun. We both had a completely awesome time.
Saturday, however, just sucked all around. One person called off work on my shift, and another didn't call and didn't show up on my shift. I was down two people who were supposed to close, could find no one to come in and cover those shifts, and it was quite busy, so none of the regular, pre-closing stuff got done before we locked the doors. It was awful, and then on top of all of that, my ex showed up at Wendys AGAIN! What the hell? He stared at me and did that stupid smirk the whole time, and it terrified me. There's no reason for him to show up at my work twice in one week. He lives an hour away from where i work, and if he really loves Wendys food that much, there are at least 3 Wendys restaurants closer to his house, so i swear, he's following me... and it absolutely terrifies me... I get the chills and shakes so bad any time i see his face. Usually, it'd be whatever if he decided to smack me around like he used to, but now i have a baby inside me to worry about and be careful with! Not that i really think he'd be dumb enough to do it in a public place... but i guess it's just past memories that makes me think he might. I don't know what to do about it! I called Jesse and begged and pleaded and got him to come into work to help me stop my breakdown, and help us close the store. I'm so glad that man loves me so much...
I adore you all for reading this far on my rambly ramblings, so i'll spare you the pain of reading more and shut up now. I love you all! I promise to do my best to catch up on your blogs and keep mine more updated in the very near future. xoxo!
First off, on Monday i went to the doctor and got all the results of bloodwork back, and everything is good there. No complications with the pregnacy, and the baby is healthy. Yay! But then after the doctor appointment, Jesse and i met up with my parents to get our mail that was sent to their house. They bought us lunch at the food court in the mall where we met them, and it was all good. We were talking and getting along quite well, but then i saw my ex..the one who cheated on me the entire two years we were together and was mildly abusive. I crossed my fingers that he hadn't seen me, but he did. He didn't say anything, but he stared at me and circled the food court a bunch of times. Then he went and hid behind a stand like a little girl and flipped me off. We left shortly after that, and i thought nothing of it. But wait, there's more to come on that subject.
Then nothing much happened until Wednesday when i went to hang out with one of my close friends, who is also Jesse's ex. Crazy, huh? But we all get along quite well and he's friends with her as well, so it works out. Anyway, Amber and i decided to go to Wendys (where Jesse and i work) mainly to see Jesse, but also to get her some food. Jesse went on break and we were all sitting at a table talking when my ex showed up there too! How on earth he figured out where i work, i'll never know, but it really did scare me because it felt as if he was following me. He sat at a table right next to us and stared at me with some sort of smirk. We left after Jesse's break was over, and once again, i tried to think nothing of my ex's appearance.
On Thursday, Jesse and i went to hang out with a girl i work with and her girlfriend. We were all hanging out, talking away, paying absolutely no attention to the movie we had rented, and having a good time. These two girls are on fairly good terms with the people we are living with... Let's just say that they can get some stuff that the people we live with enjoy having and leave it at that... But as we were talking, the one girl told us that she had talked with the girl we are living with and was told that she was "sick of our bullshit" and "ready to kick us out". What did we ever do to her?! We keep to ourselves and make sure not to bother them at all. Now i hate living there even more than before.. I was thankful for the warning though... But now, i don't know if it's all in my head or not, but i do feel some sort of odd tension in the house between us and them. Jesse said this morning that he feels it too though. Anyway, i'm beyond ready to get out of there now. In fact, we've been staying out till 4 am most nights, just to keep out of the place. I'm getting less sleep because of it, but i kind of feel like it's worth that.
Then Friday--you're going to laugh at this--Jesse was one of the male dancers at a local club. It was "girls night" at the club, so they had mostly male dancers, all of which were local. Oh lovies, he was so sexy i just wanted to rape him on the stage! Lol. But we both had so much fun with it, and now he says he's going to do it every month since it's a once a month thing. I thought i'd feel awkward having the other guys and girls dance on me, but i really had so much fun. We both had a completely awesome time.
Saturday, however, just sucked all around. One person called off work on my shift, and another didn't call and didn't show up on my shift. I was down two people who were supposed to close, could find no one to come in and cover those shifts, and it was quite busy, so none of the regular, pre-closing stuff got done before we locked the doors. It was awful, and then on top of all of that, my ex showed up at Wendys AGAIN! What the hell? He stared at me and did that stupid smirk the whole time, and it terrified me. There's no reason for him to show up at my work twice in one week. He lives an hour away from where i work, and if he really loves Wendys food that much, there are at least 3 Wendys restaurants closer to his house, so i swear, he's following me... and it absolutely terrifies me... I get the chills and shakes so bad any time i see his face. Usually, it'd be whatever if he decided to smack me around like he used to, but now i have a baby inside me to worry about and be careful with! Not that i really think he'd be dumb enough to do it in a public place... but i guess it's just past memories that makes me think he might. I don't know what to do about it! I called Jesse and begged and pleaded and got him to come into work to help me stop my breakdown, and help us close the store. I'm so glad that man loves me so much...
I adore you all for reading this far on my rambly ramblings, so i'll spare you the pain of reading more and shut up now. I love you all! I promise to do my best to catch up on your blogs and keep mine more updated in the very near future. xoxo!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Untitled
I really have nothing to say... Just pray that i don't spaz out at work again today because i'm already feeling stressed and sad before i even walk through the door..
I'm thinking about finding a psychiatrist and seeing if that will help me out at all, but i don't even know if i can afford to pay them. Anti-depressants would be nice though... Are they safe for pregnant women to take?
I'm sorry about all this negativity, loves... I really will try to improve my mood--and my posts--soon. But right now, i just don't have the energy to try all of that. I still love you all and all of your comments though. Help me through this like you always have! ...i need you.
I'm thinking about finding a psychiatrist and seeing if that will help me out at all, but i don't even know if i can afford to pay them. Anti-depressants would be nice though... Are they safe for pregnant women to take?
I'm sorry about all this negativity, loves... I really will try to improve my mood--and my posts--soon. But right now, i just don't have the energy to try all of that. I still love you all and all of your comments though. Help me through this like you always have! ...i need you.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Breakdown Monster:2 Me:0
Yepp... That's right. I've had two fucking breakdowns in the past two days. The first one wasn't so bad because i was at the shithole (aka the place i'm living) by myself, and i was able to hide it. The second one, however was at work and almost got me suspended, which i CANNOT afford. I totally overreacted... but it was stressing me out to an insane level, and i didn't even know what i was doing as i did it... I guess i should elaborate on this second breakdown a bit instead of making you all just wonder what my psycho ass did, huh?
I felt dizzy and like i was going to pass out from the start... Don't know why... But then i got thrown onto three of the most difficult positons (all at one time), and no one was helping me. Then some guy wanted me to carry his three trays of food out to the dining room for him. No problem man; i'll just grow six more arms and leave my clone back here to make all the sandwiches, get all the fries, and coordinate all the trays while i juggle your shit out to you. Yeah... I snapped. I threw his one tray back toward the fry station and yelled, "I can't do everything! A little bit of help would be really really nice!" (I'd only nicely asked for someone to help 5 or 6 times before that only to be ignored.) and i stormed into the crew room. The General Manager told me to clock out and go home, and take the week off (aka a week suspension) "because you just fucking earned it!" So i clocked out and stormed out.
Then on the drive home, i realized what i'd done and pulled over at a rest stop to cry my eyes out... I ended up using quite a bit of self-harm by any means that i could. I punched my arm; bit my arm, scraped the skin off with my nails, then i broke a CD case and used the sharp plastic to scrape more skin, all the while telling myself "i hate you so much!" I couldn't help it; i didn't know what else to do...
Fortunately, Jesse talked to the GM for me and managed to get me only a write-up instead of a suspension while i was having my spasm in the car by myself... He wasn't so happy when he saw my arm though... I told him i didn't do it on purpose, and that's the 100% truth. He was fairly understanding... but i know it made him angry.
Le sigh. I don't even know what to do anymore. Everything is just building up awfully and coming out even more awfully.
I wanted to go home and sleep it all off, but as soon as i laid down, the cat was playing with yet another mouse. That's the third one within a week. And my "bed" is a mattress on the floor. The mouse was waaay too close to crawling into bed with me for comfort, so i'm back at work. Sitting in the dining room with my laptop. I want to go home... but i don't know where the hell that is.
I felt dizzy and like i was going to pass out from the start... Don't know why... But then i got thrown onto three of the most difficult positons (all at one time), and no one was helping me. Then some guy wanted me to carry his three trays of food out to the dining room for him. No problem man; i'll just grow six more arms and leave my clone back here to make all the sandwiches, get all the fries, and coordinate all the trays while i juggle your shit out to you. Yeah... I snapped. I threw his one tray back toward the fry station and yelled, "I can't do everything! A little bit of help would be really really nice!" (I'd only nicely asked for someone to help 5 or 6 times before that only to be ignored.) and i stormed into the crew room. The General Manager told me to clock out and go home, and take the week off (aka a week suspension) "because you just fucking earned it!" So i clocked out and stormed out.
Then on the drive home, i realized what i'd done and pulled over at a rest stop to cry my eyes out... I ended up using quite a bit of self-harm by any means that i could. I punched my arm; bit my arm, scraped the skin off with my nails, then i broke a CD case and used the sharp plastic to scrape more skin, all the while telling myself "i hate you so much!" I couldn't help it; i didn't know what else to do...
Fortunately, Jesse talked to the GM for me and managed to get me only a write-up instead of a suspension while i was having my spasm in the car by myself... He wasn't so happy when he saw my arm though... I told him i didn't do it on purpose, and that's the 100% truth. He was fairly understanding... but i know it made him angry.
Le sigh. I don't even know what to do anymore. Everything is just building up awfully and coming out even more awfully.
I wanted to go home and sleep it all off, but as soon as i laid down, the cat was playing with yet another mouse. That's the third one within a week. And my "bed" is a mattress on the floor. The mouse was waaay too close to crawling into bed with me for comfort, so i'm back at work. Sitting in the dining room with my laptop. I want to go home... but i don't know where the hell that is.
Friday, April 22, 2011
so...
I went appartment hunting yesterday and found absolutely no open appartments. Fuck my life. I cannot live in this house as long as it's going to take me to find an appartment!
Today Jesse went upstairs to cut a pineapple we bought a few days ago so we could eat it, and the above picture is what he found in the kitchen. He came back downstairs with the uncut pineapple in hand and kicked a random shoe all the way across the room. "There's not an inch of clean space, and not a single clean dish or piece of silverware up there," he said, adding several curses, so i went up and looked for myself. Obviously, he was right.
"Let's leave right now and we'll get something from Perkins before i have to go into work," he suggested, slightly calmer than before.
So i got dressed and straightened my hair, and we got in the car. On the way to the restaurant, i said, "We're never buying food to take back to that house again. There's no point in it. We can eat out until we get our own place, and as long as we're careful, we shouldn't spend too much more money or put on too much more weight."
He nodded. "Makes sense."
"I still feel homeless," i told him.
"I know what you mean. We have a place to live, but it has none of the comforts a home should have." He brought my hand to his lips and kissed it without taking his eyes from the rainy roads. "I promise we'll have a place soon," he said, "one way or another."
I really hope he's right...
**Edit. Oh and might i add, i'm doing their fucking laundry so i can do my own because they always leave a load in the dryer and in the washer, so i've got to dry two of their loads before i can begin my own. If the laundromat wasn't so expensive, i'd just say fuck it and go there instead, but i'm not made of money.... gahhhh!
Sorry about the mood swings, guys and gals... I'll blame it on the pregnacy..
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Mood Swings
I have waaaaaay too many mood swings at this point. Shortly after i wrote that happy post, i found out that my phone bill was almost $50 more than usual and i started crying like an idiot and feeling like we'll never be able to afford our own place. Why does this world revolve around money?! Why does my happiness revolve around money?! Unfortunately, the pouty, nothing-is-ever- gonna-get-better mood has stuck with me. So maybe i don't have enough mood swings? I'd be ok with a bunch of negative to posative swings. And poor Jesse asked me this morning why i'm always so mean to him. Dammit, i don't try to be, and it's not like he always does something to deserve my snappiness. Surely i can't blame all this stupid crankiness on the baby inside me.
Monday, April 18, 2011
It's looking up a bit
Well, well, well, i'm going appartment hunting very soon now. It's exciting and scary both at the same time. I'm just tired of living in this house where there's always trash and toys all over the floor that no one ever cleans up. The kitchen is a horror story as well. The ant infested sink is filled up with moldy dishes that no one ever washes. Jesse and i have cleaned up these messes many times only to find them just as bad the very next day. After so many days of cleaning up someone else's messes just to have them come back, it's hard to see a point in cleaning them up at all. We clean up after ourselves now, but that's it. And the rest is disgusting. Ana would have a hayday with a kitchen like that if i'd let her. I can't handle that. So fuck it; i'm not saving up as much as i wanted to. My entire savings account might be depleted just by the security deposit and first month's rent when i do find an appartment, but i don't care! I'd sell my soul to have my own place at this point, and now that dream is gonna come true. Yay! I'll definitely keep you all updated on how all of that goes. Oh, and Jesse is going to finally get a better paying job. His one friend's uncle owns some sort of lumber company that pays it's employees $12 an hour and guarantees them a 40 hour week, so he's going to try to get into that, and his friend said he'll help him. If that doesn't work, he's going through a job hunting agency and asking them to call him for jobs that pay $10 or more per hour. Hopefully he gets something very very soon. We can definitely use that sort of help. I feel as if things are sort of looking up right now... well, not right now, but in the very near future. And for once, i'm not down in the dumps even though i just paid all the bills and all but killed my checking account until we get paid again. Keep your fingers crossed that i stay that way; i kind of enjoy being optimistic.
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