I really need to get up to date on all the blogs i'm supposedly following. I'm sorry lovies...I haven't read any of your posts in probably about a month. I guess i was just trying to not trigger myself. But the trigger is already there: stress and confusion leads to Ana apparently.
And since a lot of people i know are against my Ana issues know where my blog is...i feel as if i can't explain fully. I've been kicking around the idea of opening a completely new blog account and username and everything for quite some time, and i really think i'm going to make that happen. I'll get back to those of you who i know at least fairly well with my new blog address and such once i have got it set up. To the others...i apologize in advance for disappearing from this blog. Hopefully you will be able to find my other blog. *hugs and love* This is such a big undertaking.. i'm kind of scared to begin, but i might as well start now while i still have the time.

Short Rant

I don't really have anything to post about. Sunday and Monday i ate next to nothing, and yesterday i felt like a sexy lady....until i actually ate something with some sort of substance. From there it was just munchies for the rest of the day. Blarg! I need to get my shit together and just eat like a normal person! Seriously, Ana, i don't want you in my life anymore... Wait, yes i do... No, really i don't... Kind of. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Frak! I'm so bloody confused right now. About so many things. This post is more to just let you all know i am still alive and kicking than anything else. I feel as if i've been very busy lately, therefore i couldn't post sooner, and i can't post about anything intelligent at the moment. Just don't ask me what i've been too busy with because i have no idea!

Fail

I haven't eaten anything with any sort of nutritional value today. Cookies and cheese. That's it... Ugh! I feel like this "eating better" goal is kind of like Jesse and I's "make our marriage like it used to be" goal. It's good for a couple days, and then it goes back to not happening... Not that i'm having issues with my marriage...we're just both different than we used to be. I blame stress. No one ever said marriage was an easy thing to maintain... And i never expected it to be. I just wish it would be. I'm not going to go into details... let's just say it's a rough patch. Likewise with my relationship with Ana.
I haven't caught up on any of your blogs yet either. I haven't done anything and i don't know why.
All you other American girls, Thanksgiving is Thursday... I hope you all manage to deal with it ok. I'm going to do my best, not because of the food this year, but because of the family. I just don't want to put up with them.
I'm hitting another depression for no reason that i can find... and i don't know what to do...

Caffeine is my Vise

I can't go without drinking 5 cups of coffee every morning. I've tried. I'm a bingey bitchy brat. This is another of my highly caffeinated rambly posts. The crazy part is i don't even like coffee that much; i tolerate it for it's lovely effects. Energy drinks are far too expensive for me to be drinking 2 every day, so i must stick with the coffee. I guess i could do what my new friend Gene told me and shoot caffeine into my veins--just kidding of course...kinda. Lol. No, trust me, i hate needles far too much for all that.
I have been eating an awful lot. An awful lot of junk food, nonetheless. I feel horrible about it even though i seem to be neither gaining nor losing weight, which is pretty much what i'm aiming for right now. I don't know though. It just feels like i'm eating too much. Especially too much unhealthy food. We get our food stamps today, so i'll make sure there's actually some healthy food in this place. As of now, there really is nothing but ramen noodles, which are absolutely horrible for you. Now that roommate is out, we should be able to maintain our food better. Having him gone has so many positive side effects. :)
Speaking of positive side effects, little miss Fate is about to have her own bedroom rather than share mine and hubby's! I'm so excited about this. I'm going to make it so pretty. The plan is to decorate it in books, since she's a bookworm just like her mama. It's either books or princesses... I'm thinking seriously about doing both together since they'd blend quite nicely. What do you all think? Hopefully, having her own room will help her to sleep through the night now. I think it will, but maybe it's just wishful thinking... Whatever. At least there will be toy-storage space other than my toy-cluttered living room! I'm pretty excited. Can you tell?
I miss you all! I really need to get caught up on your blogs and stay caught up! AND i need to post more. I don't know why i never do. I have no real reason... Well, other than cleaning like a psycho on any free time that i have, but that brings us back to the positive side effects of roommate being gone: stuff will actually stay clean so i won't have to clean everything every day! Therefore, it is my new resolve to keep you updated on my life and stay updated on yours. (That sounds a little creeper-ish doesn't it? Fuck! It's not meant that way!)
Another of my new resolves is to do more miscellaneous writing. I enjoy writing, so i don't know why i haven't in so long. I'm going to pick it up again, and share some samples of my writing with you all at some point.

On a completely random side-note, here's a pic of me in my halloween costume. This is what i look like now.. Haven't let you all see me in quite some time, so i felt the need to do so. Sorry it's sideways. My damn computer wouldn't let me rotate it for anything. Grrr!
Here i'll end my caffeinated random ramble with love and hugs to all of you. In other words, Fate demands my attention now. Haha. I love being a mom!

Good News for Real This Time!

Roommate is moved out for good! He left on saturday, and i am beyond happy. The depression is fading because of it, and i fucking love it. Last night i had issues getting to sleep because i was so excited about cleaning everything today. How crazy is that? Haha. I've been scrubbing all the walls in the house throughout the week. Not really sure why other than the fact that those walls would still remain clean while he was here. But now i can clean everything else and have it stay clean! Is that odd? Am i too much of a neat freak? I think i am getting pretty crazy with it... I don't know. Tell me honestly if i'm obsessing over cleanliness to much.
On the food front, i'm actually eating a lot of unhealthy stuff, and i'm planning on fixing that this week. Along with trying out the yoga routines you all suggested to find out which one i like. I'll get there.
Sorry this is so rambley.. I'm kind of REALLY caffeinated right now. 6 cups of coffe will make me a crazy, happy, rambling idiot.
Love to you all!

Help?

Do any of you lovely people have a challenging yoga routine to pass on to me? I'm bored with the one i have, and it's getting too easy for me. I can't do a lot of normal workouts because of my bad knees and back... yoga seems like the best option. Any help or suggestions would be fantastic.

Depression

Sorry i haven't been on lately... i've hit the worst depression in my life. I'm pretty sure it's because roommate came back the saturday after he left. He didn't explain why he left, but he's been just as messy if not more so, and any time he's confronted, he argues that he did clean up whatever mess he's being confronted about. Yeah, because it so looks like you cleaned it up when it's still there, dicktwat. I can't stand him.
I put up sticky notes everywhere to remind of the house rules, and since then it seems as if he is purposely disregarding them. Yesterday i closed the bathroom door after him once, the trash closet door after him twice, cleaned up the bathroom sink after him, threw away trash he left lying on the kitchen counter, and cleaned the shower after him. He also left his shoes on for 20 minutes after coming through the door. Seriously? All of that within an hour of him getting here after work. So i waited until Jesse came home so he would back me up and i told him about it...somewhat nicely anyway.
When he argued with me, i called his bullshit and told him he did not, in fact, clean up after himself EVER, because i've always cleaned up after him. He tried to tell me "i have to sit down to take my shoes off."
I responded with, "ok, fine, but why couldn't you sit down and take your shoes off as soon as you came in?"
"I don't know..." he mumbled. "But i noticed that black mark on the shower before i got in."
"BULLSHIT! I got a shower today too, and it was NOT there when i got out. I've been in the bathroom many times today, and that black mark magically appeared AFTER your shower."
"I tried to scrub it out when i was in there."
"Bullshit. It's not that fucking hard to get out. If you had tried, it wouldn't still be there."
He had no response to that.
"I closed the bathroom door after you once and the trash closet door after you twice."
"I forgot."
"That's why there's sticky notes on them."
"Well i thought i did close them."
"Yeah, well you didn't."
"And i do try to clean up after myself."
"Really? Because i've cleaned up after you countless times."
"Like what?"
And i listed off 5 different instances without even thinking. "You might pay half the rent, but i do ALL the cleaning. I'm not asking for big help, just a little bit of respect and responsibility from you. If you don't feel like giving me that respect, you can leave."
"Ok," he said in annoyed tone and went back to his room.
I'm not sure if i affected him at all with it, but i tried. I'll talk to him once more if it doesn't change, and the third time i have to talk to him, i'm telling him to leave. I'm not being mr. nice guy anymore. It's putting me in a depression to put up with his shit, so i'm not putting up with it anymore.
Jesse just laid there on the couch pretending to sleep through the whole conversation though. Asswipe. I told him i wanted his support and that's what he gave me? Fuck it. I did it on my own, and i'll continue to do it on my own if i have to. I'm not putting up with it. I CAN'T put up with it.
Jesse did come up with some bullshit story telling roommate he has to get out by the 15th because we're going to be moving out and we need to get the place fixed up, especially the carpet in his room, so we can get our security deposit back. That's partly true, but we're not planning on moving all that soon. I wish Jesse would quit sugar coating it and just tell him how it really is, but he "doesn't want to lose a friend". Whatever, at least he told him to get out eventually. BUT i will kick him out earlier than that if he doesn't listen to what i said. I'm trying my damndest to get out of this depression, and if that's what i have to do to do so, i'll do it. Wish me luck...