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I really have nothing to say... Just pray that i don't spaz out at work again today because i'm already feeling stressed and sad before i even walk through the door..

I'm thinking about finding a psychiatrist and seeing if that will help me out at all, but i don't even know if i can afford to pay them. Anti-depressants would be nice though... Are they safe for pregnant women to take?

I'm sorry about all this negativity, loves... I really will try to improve my mood--and my posts--soon. But right now, i just don't have the energy to try all of that. I still love you all and all of your comments though. Help me through this like you always have! ...i need you.

Breakdown Monster:2 Me:0

Yepp... That's right. I've had two fucking breakdowns in the past two days. The first one wasn't so bad because i was at the shithole (aka the place i'm living) by myself, and i was able to hide it. The second one, however was at work and almost got me suspended, which i CANNOT afford. I totally overreacted... but it was stressing me out to an insane level, and i didn't even know what i was doing as i did it... I guess i should elaborate on this second breakdown a bit instead of making you all just wonder what my psycho ass did, huh?

I felt dizzy and like i was going to pass out from the start... Don't know why... But then i got thrown onto three of the most difficult positons (all at one time), and no one was helping me. Then some guy wanted me to carry his three trays of food out to the dining room for him. No problem man; i'll just grow six more arms and leave my clone back here to make all the sandwiches, get all the fries, and coordinate all the trays while i juggle your shit out to you. Yeah... I snapped. I threw his one tray back toward the fry station and yelled, "I can't do everything! A little bit of help would be really really nice!" (I'd only nicely asked for someone to help 5 or 6 times before that only to be ignored.) and i stormed into the crew room. The General Manager told me to clock out and go home, and take the week off (aka a week suspension) "because you just fucking earned it!" So i clocked out and stormed out.

Then on the drive home, i realized what i'd done and pulled over at a rest stop to cry my eyes out... I ended up using quite a bit of self-harm by any means that i could. I punched my arm; bit my arm, scraped the skin off with my nails, then i broke a CD case and used the sharp plastic to scrape more skin, all the while telling myself "i hate you so much!" I couldn't help it; i didn't know what else to do...

Fortunately, Jesse talked to the GM for me and managed to get me only a write-up instead of a suspension while i was having my spasm in the car by myself... He wasn't so happy when he saw my arm though... I told him i didn't do it on purpose, and that's the 100% truth. He was fairly understanding... but i know it made him angry.

Le sigh. I don't even know what to do anymore. Everything is just building up awfully and coming out even more awfully.

I wanted to go home and sleep it all off, but as soon as i laid down, the cat was playing with yet another mouse. That's the third one within a week. And my "bed" is a mattress on the floor. The mouse was waaay too close to crawling into bed with me for comfort, so i'm back at work. Sitting in the dining room with my laptop. I want to go home... but i don't know where the hell that is.

so...

I went appartment hunting yesterday and found absolutely no open appartments. Fuck my life. I cannot live in this house as long as it's going to take me to find an appartment!

Today Jesse went upstairs to cut a pineapple we bought a few days ago so we could eat it, and the above picture is what he found in the kitchen. He came back downstairs with the uncut pineapple in hand and kicked a random shoe all the way across the room. "There's not an inch of clean space, and not a single clean dish or piece of silverware up there," he said, adding several curses, so i went up and looked for myself. Obviously, he was right.

"Let's leave right now and we'll get something from Perkins before i have to go into work," he suggested, slightly calmer than before.

So i got dressed and straightened my hair, and we got in the car. On the way to the restaurant, i said, "We're never buying food to take back to that house again. There's no point in it. We can eat out until we get our own place, and as long as we're careful, we shouldn't spend too much more money or put on too much more weight."

He nodded. "Makes sense."

"I still feel homeless," i told him.

"I know what you mean. We have a place to live, but it has none of the comforts a home should have." He brought my hand to his lips and kissed it without taking his eyes from the rainy roads. "I promise we'll have a place soon," he said, "one way or another."

I really hope he's right...

**Edit. Oh and might i add, i'm doing their fucking laundry so i can do my own because they always leave a load in the dryer and in the washer, so i've got to dry two of their loads before i can begin my own. If the laundromat wasn't so expensive, i'd just say fuck it and go there instead, but i'm not made of money.... gahhhh!

Sorry about the mood swings, guys and gals... I'll blame it on the pregnacy..

Mood Swings

I have waaaaaay too many mood swings at this point. Shortly after i wrote that happy post, i found out that my phone bill was almost $50 more than usual and i started crying like an idiot and feeling like we'll never be able to afford our own place. Why does this world revolve around money?! Why does my happiness revolve around money?! Unfortunately, the pouty, nothing-is-ever- gonna-get-better mood has stuck with me. So maybe i don't have enough mood swings? I'd be ok with a bunch of negative to posative swings. And poor Jesse asked me this morning why i'm always so mean to him. Dammit, i don't try to be, and it's not like he always does something to deserve my snappiness. Surely i can't blame all this stupid crankiness on the baby inside me.

It's looking up a bit

Well, well, well, i'm going appartment hunting very soon now. It's exciting and scary both at the same time. I'm just tired of living in this house where there's always trash and toys all over the floor that no one ever cleans up. The kitchen is a horror story as well. The ant infested sink is filled up with moldy dishes that no one ever washes. Jesse and i have cleaned up these messes many times only to find them just as bad the very next day. After so many days of cleaning up someone else's messes just to have them come back, it's hard to see a point in cleaning them up at all. We clean up after ourselves now, but that's it. And the rest is disgusting. Ana would have a hayday with a kitchen like that if i'd let her. I can't handle that. So fuck it; i'm not saving up as much as i wanted to. My entire savings account might be depleted just by the security deposit and first month's rent when i do find an appartment, but i don't care! I'd sell my soul to have my own place at this point, and now that dream is gonna come true. Yay! I'll definitely keep you all updated on how all of that goes. Oh, and Jesse is going to finally get a better paying job. His one friend's uncle owns some sort of lumber company that pays it's employees $12 an hour and guarantees them a 40 hour week, so he's going to try to get into that, and his friend said he'll help him. If that doesn't work, he's going through a job hunting agency and asking them to call him for jobs that pay $10 or more per hour. Hopefully he gets something very very soon. We can definitely use that sort of help. I feel as if things are sort of looking up right now... well, not right now, but in the very near future. And for once, i'm not down in the dumps even though i just paid all the bills and all but killed my checking account until we get paid again. Keep your fingers crossed that i stay that way; i kind of enjoy being optimistic.

Pain and Questions

The one girl i know was talking to me the other day about her pregnacy. She said that through her entire pregnacy, she was a waitress on her feet all day, and then she didn't have a car so she walked to and from work every day. All i could say was wow. I don't know how anyone could do that, and i really wish i did know because really the only thing I've got up on her is that i have a car. I'm usually working 5 or 6 days a week for 8 hours each day. In a fast food place, there is no sitting down on the job. In fact, the store owner doesn't even allow us to have chairs behind the "employees only" door at all. Tomorrow i'm scheduled to work a 9 hour shift.... and i really don't know how i'm going to do it. I'm not sure if it's just the way everyone's body feels through pregnacy, or maybe mine hurts so much because i fucked it up with Ana, or maybe i'm just a whiny little bitch, but i came home yesterday from an 8 hour shift and ended up doing my damndest not to cry because i hurt so much. My feet and ankles were swollen and throbbing, and when the throbbing calmed down, it felt like i'd just twisted both of my ankles quite badly. Both of my hips are acting up too. My right hip i blame on the car accident that happened last april and really screwed it up (sliced the muscle all the way to the bone; i had to take physical therapy to even walk again.), but i don't know what the hell is up with the left one. Jesse tried to make it better and massage them, and he said that the muscles are extremely tight. I guess it's just from the extra weight i'm holding right now, and putting that stress onto my legs all day? Then how do fat people do it?! I'm so ready for this baby to come out and to get this painful baby weight off! But the whole point of this whiny post was to ask you all, do you have any suggestions on how to help my feet and legs not hurt so much? I know a few of you have been through pregnacy yourselves, so what did you all do to make them not hurt? Should they be bothering me this much already or is something wrong that it's this bad already? I'm really worried that i'm gonna have to go on maternity leave much, much earlier than i had planned on, which is gonna hurt my pay a whole bunch. Any suggestions or ideas will be awesome. Love you all.

Lyrics that make me think of myself and you all

Perfectly flawed by Otep If you do this; if you do this... If you do this you'll never have a chance to try again; If you do this you'll never have a chance to try... It's the same sound, same sting; The same collapse of everything. It's the same slice, same blade; The same lie, same ol' vein. My weight, my face, My height, my race.... I'm a mistake. My weight, my face, My height, my race... I'm such a disgrace. You're perfectly flawed; You're perfectly incomplete. Like cracks in the glass, And faded photographs. You're perfectly flawed; You're perfectly incomplete. Let them condemn. Imperfections make you unique. Nothing left to lose, just try again; Nothing left to lose, just try again... It's the same doubt, the same dream; It's the same sabotage 'cause i'm the enemy. It's the same night, same day; It's the same parasite, feeding on the betrayed. My weight, my face, My height, my race; I'm a mistake... My weight, my face, My height, my race; I'm such a disgrace... You're perfectly flawed; You're perfectly incomplete. Like cracks in the glass, And faded photographs. You're perfectly flawed; You're perfectly incomplete. A work in progress, Imperfections make you unique. A disguise of self-deception Hides my secrets perfectly. I'm rejecting my reflection 'Cause i hate the way it judges me. Don't you do it; You're not even you yet. Don't you do it; You're not even you yet. You're perfectly flawed; You're perfectly incomplete. Like cracks in the glass, And faded photographs. You're perfectly flawed; You're perfectly incomplete. A work in progress, Imperfections make you unique.

Ultrasound pics!

I was going to upload the videos because the thumb sucking is muc more obvious in those, but blogger is being a meanie and not letting me.

Baby News

I went to the hospital yesterday and had an ultrasound done. I've got a CD of pictures a videos from that, which i'll try to figure out how to upload in a little bit to show you all, but it was pretty exciting. In one of the pictures, the baby is clearly sucking it's thumb! I'm three weeks farther along than the doctor originally thought, so as of today, i'm exactly 15 weeks (one week away from 4 months!), and my due date is actually October 4. I'm kind of happy about that... Mostly because i swore i was farther along than the doctor said and i just got proved right. Haha. But then again, i'm kind of disappointed. I liked the idea of my baby being born the end of October and possibly having a Halloween baby. It doesn't really matter that much though; we're going to love it a ridiculous amount whenever it's born. Oh, and in about 5 weeks, i'll get another ultrasound done to find out the gender! Jesse's extremely excited about that; i guess i'm excited too, but i kind of do like not knowing. I feel like i should find out though, so i can buy stuff ahead of time, and tell people what color to get for the baby shower. Definitely don't want all yellow and green! But there's the update on all that exciting stuff. **To anonymous, actually, i do find it rude. You're picking apart my life knowing almost nothing about it. 1. My "boyfriend" is my husband. If you actually were following me like you say you are, you should know that. 2. When we first got together, he went to meet my parents sans makeup and did nothing wrong in that meeting, but my dad simply looked at him and decided he didn't like him. 3. My parents asked me to abstain from life in general, not drugs (which i've never done), sex and alcohol alone. 4. He is definitely not leaving me. Sometimes i can actually believe him when he says he loves me more than i love him (as awful as that might be.) 5. Leave your name when you comment and perhaps then i'd find it slightly less rude.

Sometimes....

It feels like i'm not getting anywhere in my life. Look at me: i'm nothing, nobody, getting nowhere. Just you're typical white trash that ran away from home and got knocked up before she could afford it. I don't have my own home; i can barely pay what bills we do have; certainly can't afford food on a regular basis (good in Ana's eyes, but what about my family?!). But it's not like i don't work. I work my ass off all the time. My job just doesn't pay me shit for my trouble. I don't know... sometimes it feels pointless to even try to make it somewhere.

I Don't Care What you Think as Long as it's About Me

Thinspo post time... basicly because i have nothing exciting to share.

Versatile Blogger Award

Bella has nominated me for versatile blogger award. :) Because she's amazing like that. Thank you so much, dearie. The rules are 1) thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift. Thank you thank you thank you thank you, Bella! I'm putting a link to your website on here, so hopefully you can get more followers too. 2) share seven things about yourself. *I'm a 20 year old want-to-be model from Pennsylvania. I went to school for modeling and graduated at the top of my class, but never made it any farther than that in the industry. I'm pretty sure i screwed myself over with that by getting a giant tattoo and then even more so by getting pregnant, but then again, there are alternative modeling agencys that go for the tattoos and things like that. Plus, the stretch marks i'm going to be getting just might fade into oblivion if i'm lucky. (Hey, i can still hope, right?) *So instead of modeling, i'm working in the fast food industry at Wendy's right now. It's not the best option, but it's really the only option i had. Jobs are hard to find around here. At least i got promoted to a management positon, right? I don't know.... I think management sucks even more, but it's only temporary. At least that's what i keep telling myself. *Another job dream of mine is to be a writer. I've always dreamed of writing a novel and getting it published since i was a kid. In fact, i've started several stories, but then i get distracted and never finish them. Even the ones i do finish once, i feel the need to go over time and time again to make sure they're absolutely perfect, and i've never got the guts to go to a publisher with one of the finished products that i still feel is unfinished and not good enough. *Enough of job talk! I've always dreamed and played little kid games of finding that one person i am meant to be with. I never thought i'd actually get that lucky in reality, but i did! Jesse is the perfect person for me. We started out as best friends and then realized that we should be together; we've barely been apart since that. We've been together for a little over a year, and married for a little over 6 months of that year. Many people told us we rushed into it too fast, but neither of us has even slightly regretted it. *And now i'm going to have his baby! It's a frightening and exciting feeling, but it ties in with the dream i've always had of finding my soulmate. I always dreamed of building a family and a life together once i did find that person, so now we've started doin just that. Once again, perhaps we are rushing into it too fast, but neither of us regrets this decision at all either. *A random little fact about me is that i absolutely love tattoos and piercings and alternative style clothing. Anything dark and unique is absolutely beautiful to me. *And last but not least, i have an eating disorder. I'm sure you've already figured that out (and a lot of the other things about me that i just told you) by reading this blog. It's not anorexia, it's not bulimia, it's EDNOS. I guess it tends a bit more on the side of BDD combined with extremely mild anorexia. But the eating disorder has always been a huge part of my life. I can honestly never remember being without it, so i chose to embrace it and begin this blog, which i've been keeping for approximately 2 years. 3)Bestow this honor onto ten newly discovered or followed bloggers--in no particular order--who are fantastic in some way *Ophelia from A Head Full of Beauty *Lina from Flushed *Peridot from Glue and Pieces *Blake from Ana's Arms *Mich from Sick B*tch *Hanz from A Spoonful of Empty Space *Pokerface from pokerface *Savory Sweet from Savory & Sick *Stick Thin from Stick Thin and *Yum from Yummy Secrets - A ProAna Blog 4) drop in and let your ten friends know you admire them. So i'm off to do that right now. Love to everyone. (Don't think i love you any less because you're not listed here.)

I wasn't gone for too long, was i?

Thank you for all your lovely comments on everything. You all are darlings. Oh, and, Danni, i'm not hating on you, but you've definitely got some of my followers hating on you since i posted your comments; go ahead and read some of their comments about you and your comments if you're strong enough (or think you are anyway). Guess what! I went to the doctor two days ago and i heard the baby's heartbeat! Jesse was in the room with me and he got the biggest smile on his face as soon as we heard it. I'm sure my smile was just as big, but his was just absolutely lovely to me. My goodness, i have a living being inside me!!! I really did want to break the doctor's finger off though. Like, seriously, why the hell is it necessary to ram your finger up my vagina to try to feel...i don't even know what he was trying to feel! Anyone know? Please do tell me. Also, tell me how to deal with that, because for some reason it's really really apalling and bothersome to me. Anyway.... Sorry i didn't post for the past couple days. I've been working my ass off. I don't think i got 8 hours of sleep in the past 3 days combined (ok, slight exaggeration, but only slight). Not good for the baby, i know, but there's really no way of fixing it; i think whoever does the schedule at work is trying their damndest to kill me. Seriously, close the store (which means get home around 2 am) and then get up at 8 am to be at a 9 am manager meeting the next morning, close again that night, and then get up at 5 am to take my serve-safe test, which i get back from around 8 pm! HOLY HELL! I'm so tired it's ridiculous. I think i passed the test though. But last night it was impossible for me to sleep for some reason. All i wanted to do was lie in bed and cry my eyes out, which is exactly what i did. The crazy thing is, i have no clue what i was crying about, and it was some rather hysterical crying. Jesse got less sleep than me the two nights before that, so he was too tired to even wake up when i started my stupid sobbing, which i actually think is a good thing considering i had no reason to tell him. But it's whatever, i made it through work today somehow, and now i'm back to catch up on what's new with you all. So i'm going to quit my random rambles and go read up on all your lovely blogs. Love yous!!

Finally Wedding Pix!

Well, looky here; someone was finally able to upload her wedding pictures to her blog. Horray! We were married on August 24 2010 for those who don't remember. And here's my favorites of the pictures we got from that tiny little wedding. You can see the pretty waterfall we were married on, the few brave souls who actually came to our wedding, my sneakers that i wore during my wedding (hey, i was afraid of breaking my neck otherwise, don't judge), and the bride and groom's happy smiles.

Please do read and comment this and the other post i did today. Love your comments.

Sometimes Ana is Still Here

"Holy shit!" the loud profanity escaped my tongue when i looked at the number on the scale in the doctor's office. The nurse gave me a disapproving glare, but didn't say anything. Ana, on the other hand, just so happened to be there with me at that moment and spoke her mind. "Well, aren't we gaining awfully fast there, darling? Maybe you should cut back on the food intake for a bit. I'm sure the baby doesn't require you to gain 15 pounds within the first 9 weeks." I tried so hard to ignore her, but her words stuck with me. Was i gaining too fast? And if i was, why? I was certainly not eating everything in sight. I ate four small portions of food a day on a munchie day, and there were some days when i only ate one. Plus, i was sticking to only foods that Ana would approve of without even trying to. Sweets, fried foods, and red meats were simply out of the question. The smell and look of them all made me feel like i was going to be sick. All i really wanted was vegetables, sea food, and a tiny bit of chicken every once in a while. I bit my tongue and fought back the urge to ask the doctor how much or how little i should have gained. I made it through the doctor's appointment, learning hardly anything i didn't already know, and then suffered through the ride home without mentioning to Jesse my worry that i had gained to much. Once i was home i got a lovely, steamy shower to relax. I felt fine again once i was done... until i wiped the fog from the mirror and noticed my first stretch marks. Once again, Ana was at my side. "Goodness, you'll never look good again with those! They're on your breasts for pity's sake; that's even worse than your stomach. Now part of whatever bit of sexual appeal you had is gone forever." I pushed her away with one hand and hurredly pulled a t-shirt over my head with the other. I put my shorts on in record time and ran away from both her and my reflection as quickly as i could. Jesse was in the living room playing some sort of video game, so i went over and sat on the cedar chest next to him. "Will you still love me when i'm all saggy and stretch marked?" i blurted. He dropped his controller and wrapped me in his arms. "You know i will." "Will you still think i'm pretty?" He squeezed me tighter and then pulled back to look me in the eyes. "You will always be beautiful, no matter what. And you're not going to be saggy and stretch marked anyway." I shook my head. "You don't know that." Then the little girl we were babysitting walked in, and in all her blatant honesty, said, "Jo! You can't sit on that; you're too big. You'll break it." Ana jabbed my ribs. "Yeah, you're too big; you'll break it," she whispered into my ear. That's when i lost it. I pulled away from Jesse's embrace and bolted to my room, biting back tears. "Sweetheart, wait," he called after me. "She didn't mean anything like that by it." "I'm way too sensitive for this shit right now, so don't even fuck with me!" i shouted back, and locked the door to my bedroom where i collapsed onto the bed and cried until there were no tears left to cry.

Your hateful comments only inspire me to prove your ridiculous accusations more wrong than they already are.

So thanks for that. Yep, i may be poor. Indeed, i'm getting a bit fat since i've got a baby inside me. But no, my dearest haters, i have not failed in any sense of the word. The only way to fail would be to give up trying, which i have not done and do not plan on ever doing. Soon enough both i and my husband will have jobs that provide us with enought money to get off of foodstamps and other governmental help sources, and even sooner than that, we will have our own place to call a home. And, might i add, this baby bump is most certainly not going to be here after the baby is born. In fact, i'm going to be thinner than i was before the baby after the baby, and yet i will still be a fully functional, providing, loving mother for said child. Don't believe me? Watch and see. I don't give a fuck what you say or think that i can or can't do; i know what i can do and i know what i will do. You truly have inspired me though, even in your trying to hurt me, so i give you an honest and heartfelt thanks. To the rest of you, your comments often inspire me as well, so don't feel left out! I love you all and am still in the process of catching up on the blogs that i am following, but i'll get there!