Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Ana's Cruelty

"Come back to me," i heard Ana's voice whispering in my ear.
I shook my head slightly, but didn't verbally respond. Jacob was right next to me. This was no conversation i wanted him to see or hear, for i knew that it would upset him that Ana was even a tempting option. Not that he would get angry.... He just wouldn't be at all happy.
"Idiot," Ana replied. "At least come talk to me."
I sighed softly.
Jacob noticed that sigh. "Is everything all right, love?" he asked, concern covering his gloriously beautiful face.
I nodded. "I'm fine, hunny."
"Something's bothering you," he said. "I don't like to see you unhappy."
I smiled, glad that he knew me so well. "It'll be ok, i promise." My stomach gurgled, unhappily full. In complete honesty i said, "I'm gonna have to run to the bathroom though. Those horrid deep fried chicken tenders are not agreeing with me," and i took off.
Ana followed. "I told you not to eat those, didn't i?" she bragged.
"Do i get no privacy, even when i'm on the toilet?" i responded.
She shrugged. "You know i'm always with you. At least this gives me a chance to talk with you without you not answering me."
I just rolled my eyes and bent myself over from the pain in my abdomen.
"Tell me something, will you?" Ana began. "Why do you think everything is going not so great? What reason would you give?"
"I don't know what you're talking about. Everything's wonderful between me and Jacob. We've never fought or even really disagreed."
She shook her head. "That's not at all what i mean."
"Then what do you mean?"
"Your parent's practically disowning you. No one helping you move that car you wrecked to try to get a bit of money from it. Not getting back to work as soon as you wished..."
I shook my head. "Ridiculous family, bad luck and slow progress. That's what reason i'd give. And those things will all work out soon and be just fine."
"You're wrong on all of your answers. Your parents don't want you because who really wants to point at someone as fat as you and say 'that's my child'? No one! And no one wants to help you move that car because no one wants to help a fat girl. You're not getting back to work as quickly as you thought because a fat girl is disgusting, and seeing a fat girl in a grocery store makes people buy less food."
"Stop, Ana. You're being ridiculous." I tried to ignore her words that had wounded both my pride and resolve to eat "normally".
She raised her eyebrows. "Oh, am i? Then what about that possible miscarriage?"
I bit my lip. Of course she had to remind me of that fresh pain. I'd been so sure that i would have my husband's child, and then suddenly bled abnormally only a month into the pregnancy that we had both so wanted. "What does that have to do with anything?" i asked, wiping at a tear that threatened to roll down my cheek.
Cruelty filled her next words, "It happened because no fat person deserves to be a parent."
The tears would no longer be held back. They flooded down my face. "Shut up!" I screamed at her. "Just shut up and stop hurting me!"
"I won't. That would be ceasing to tell you the truth."
I put my head in my hands and just sobbed. I didn't at all know what to do.


  1. oh honey im so sorry about the miscarriage. it has nothing to do with you. you turn back to ana and she'll make it happen again. you are stronger thn this.

  2. Omg honey I am so sad for you and so sorry. Ana can be the biggest bitch, I know. When I was forcibly put into the psych ward ana was my only true friend there (I have a real problem with confinement). I lost weight, and now she is trying to claw her way back into my life. Expecially since my treatment center has now kicked me out. Adding fuel to the fire, she keeps telling me she is the only one who really cares about me ("Isn't it obvious by now?"). But we both need to keep fighting her. She just wants to steal our lives, waist our time, slowly kill us. She lures us with promises that aren't truth. She is the devil in disguised, not the angel that you think.

  3. I thought you deserved to know that we are both on a wanarexic list... this girl kind of keeps...
    however I love you very muchly still and feel horrible about the baby. when it is time for you two to have a baby it will happen. you are both still young.

  4. :( This post really touched my heart. You are so honest about your struggles! Having a miscarriage is not a punishment for anything- don't ever believe that. I can't imagine anything more heartbreaking than losing a child you had hoped for. Hang in there.


  5. I'm so sorry.... Ana is talking rubbish. You are valuable regardless of your weight, and deserve all the happiness in the world. Stay strong xxxx
    ps. Have you thought about changing your name from "ana's girl"?

  6. Jo... You do know that she is not telling you the truth, right?
    I believe that having a baby at such young age is not a good idea, but if it will make you and Jacob happy, you shouldn't listen to a word she says... You guys totally deserve to have a baby if you want to... You just probably had problems because it happens to a lot (A LOT) of first time moms...
    Sending you lots of kisses and hugs!!!

  7. Honey, believe me, I know how you feel. All of these things are lies. You are not fat, and all of the things that happened to you are unfortunate- but NOT because you are fat. Believe me, I have BDD and I will twist everything and say "It happened because I'm ugly!" Even my car accident, I thought, "He intentionally struck me because he was so shocked with how hideous I am."

  8. You're stronger than this.
    Don't give up x

  9. i'm so sorry about your miscarriage :(

    i love your posts, i've read through your entire blog three times from start to finish. please keep posting, even if it's about regular stuff!

  10. after this post i just want to beat your ana for making you feel so bad.
    You are a good person and you have a wonderful person nest to you who wants to see you happy. stay with him and dont let ana take you down.

    we are all here for you, when ever you need us.