"Bloody hell!" i muttered and shot to the bathroom as quickly as i could. "What is with this ridiculousness?" Ana giggled. "It happens every time you eat. I'd take that as a sign that you should no longer eat." I groaned and doubled over from the pain in my stomach as i sat on the toilet. "Would you please just shut up, at least until this passes?" She smothered another giggle with her bony hand. "Sorry," she scoffed. "I just can't help how funny it is that you have to run to the toilet every single time you eat anything anymore." "I just don't understand it at all. Why would my body reject food like that? Before it used to be common constipation, and now it's common to get the runs for about an hour after i eat." I shrugged. "I guess i can't really complain that much about it. I am getting rid of what i just ate... just in a rather unpleasant way." "Mia would be thrilled," Ana said with a wicked little smile. "And quite honestly, i am too. How can you get rid of food that way without even touching laxxies?" I just rolled my eyes. "I thought i told you to shut up." "You did, but then you continued the talking so i joined in." "Whatever. Just stop adding to my pain."
*Does any of that happen to any of you? And do you have any idea what might be causing it? I just want rid of it!*
**oh, and here's a picture of the prom dress... ignore my fatness in it... and quite honestly, i think something's screwed up with the picture and it's squished so i look even fatter than i am. Ugh.**
Ana violently shook her head as my hand reached for the cereal box on top of the fridge. "What in the world would you want to eat for?" she asked. "Jacob's not here to see you do so, so i'm sure you'll be eating whenever he gets home from work and asks you to eat something." "I'm a little bit hungry. Besides, it's healthy cereal, not high in calories at all," i refuted her, pouring some of the Kashi into a bowl. She snorted. "It is if you put that much into the bowl." I sighed and tried to ignore her as i opened the refrigerator to get the milk. "Crap," i muttered. "I forgot, we're out of milk." She made a mocking pouty face. "Oh, what a pity," she said sarcastically. "Fine," i said to her. "I won't eat anything." I poured the cereal back into the box and walked out of the kitchen. "Correction. You won't eat anything until Jacob comes home and asks if you've eaten anything today. You'll answer him honestly and say no as you always do even though i tell you to lie--" "Ana," i interrupted her, "shut up! You know i can not lie to him about anything." She rolled her eyes. "Whatever." "Nothing i do is ever good enough for you, is it? Can't you just be satisfied that i'm not going to eat other than when he asks me to? It's only going to be once a day!" "No, Jo, nothing you do ever is good enough for me. You know why?" I shook my head. "Because you're not losing any of that fat that you let yourself gain. You're not exercising at all, and you have been eating more than once a day." She gently put her hand on my arm. "Sweetie, i just want to help you make yourself beautiful." I trembled under her touch. "I know," i whispered, fighting back the tears. "But i'm trying to do better now." "You'd better stop just trying and start actually doing!" I simply nodded and waited for my Jacob to come home. When he did make it home some sort of miracle happened. He didn't ask me to eat anything at all. He only said that he hadn't eaten all day. "Don't tell him you haven't either, you bird-brain," Ana hissed in my ear, but i ignored her and told him that i was the same. "Are you hungry, love?" he asked me. I shook my head. "No," i told him truthfully. The hunger from before had passed. He nodded. "Me either." And that was the end of that conversation. We went 36 hours without eating a thing, making both myself and Ana smile.
**Side note that has to do with the beginning of my last post. The thing that's conflicting me so much about the dresses is that one is free, but the one i'm more in love with is only $154. Not a bad price at all, right? So it's hard for me to choose. I'm still totally open to all of your suggestions on that**
**Oh, and ya'll should definitely sign this petition to allow Pro-Ana sites online**
So about the dress in the last post, it's gonna be that OR my one friend's prom dress, which is beautiful too... I just don't know because part of me is in love with the dress that we found online, but my friend's prom dress is free and will go better with Jacob's outfit. I wish i could post a picture of the prom dress and get your help deciding... Because i really can't decide what i want. I want to be able to save the money, but i also want that dress that we'd have to buy really badly.
Anyway, enough of my random rants that have nothing to do with what this blog is about. As far as eating once a day and working out... yeah, neither is happening. :/ I don't know. Let's blame it on my lack of self control and motivation. Sure, Jacob eating around me and offering to me doesn't help, but he's not forcing me to eat any of the times that he is. And i suppose the fact that he's having enough physical issues to not want to work out much for fear that it'll mess something up more than it already is (We're not really sure what's wrong. It might be because he has some truly bad teeth that could be infecting his body, which we're in the process of getting taken out.) doesn't particularly help me work out because i don't want to do anything without him. But i need to get my act together and learn how to say no to the food and get some workout routines (if any of you have some good ones, i'd love to see them and start them, so please share them with me) and STICK WITH THEM. Ugh. I really do frustrate myself sometimes. I frustrate Ana even more than i frustrate myself though... But i hope you all are doing much better than i am in reaching your goals. Right now i'm going to be off to read some of your blogs and hopefully find some motivation in them. Remember, I love you all so very much! Stay strong and beautiful.
My Jacob and i went online wedding shopping last night, (Yes, i know i've called him my husband, and i do think of him as my husband as he sees me as his wife, but we have not been married by law as of yet.) so i wanted to share the pictures of what we're going to wear on our wedding day with you all. I'm so very excited for this!
The top pictures are his outfit piece by piece. And the bottom two are my dress. We haven't bought them yet because we're rather struggling financially at the moment, but soon will not be and will be able to afford them.
What do you all think? He didn't want a tux at all because that's just not his style and this outfit really is his style, and i know he's going to look absolutely ravishing in it. Hopefully i'll drop a few pounds before we get the dress so i can look at least semi-ravishing next to him. I know, it's kind of an odd combination as far as clothing goes, but i think it works out quite alright. Do you?
Leave me your comments and oppinions, good or bad. I'd love to hear them all.
"What's wrong, sweetheart?" Jacob's gentle fingers tenderly wiped at the tears that streamed down my face. "You don't want to hear it," came my response between sobs. He cupped my chin in his hand and made me look him in his beautiful, caring eyes. The hint of tears forming in those eyes was no surprise to me. I knew that he cared enough to want to cry when he saw me doing so. "Yes, i do," he said softly. "I don't want you to be hurting like this. I want to help you and stop that hurting." I shook my head and buried my face in his shoulder as his strong arms wrapped tightly around me. "It's Ana," i whispered to him, hoping she wouldn't hear, but she did. "Shut up!" she hissed. "Don't you dare start complaining about me to him." "YOU shut up," i told her. "He's going to understand me and listen to me, unlike you." She bared her teeth like a caged tiger. "You're a stupid, fat idiot," she growled. "Don't listen to Ana, love. You're beautiful just as you are," Jacob told me. Had he heard her voice too? No, that was nonsense. It was only me that could hear her when she spoke to me. "What has she been saying to make you feel so awful again?" "Don't you dare answer that either," Ana snarled in my ear. "Nothing that will make sense to anyone looking on," i answered Jacob. He shook his head and made me look into his eyes again. "Sweetheart, like that matters to me. You know it doesn't matter if it's crazy talk or not. I just want to help you through this." "Ana, please let me tell him everything. You know i can't keep things from him. Besides, telling him how much we both hate that i'm eating might cause him to not want me eating as much as i do." "Oh i'm sure he doesn't want you eating as much as you do without such chatter," she replied. "Look at the weight it's causing you to gain. No man wants a fat wife. I'm sure he finds you unattractive already." Her words caused a new flood of tears. "Do you really believe that i'm beautiful?" i asked Jacob. "Tell me the truth." A confused look overcame his face. "Of course i do." "He's lying," Ana insisted. I tried to ignore her, but her words still hurt. "She's trying to hurt me," i told my Jacob, "and she'll keep it up until i lose some of this pudge." I pinched my stomach just to show him the fat there. "I've got to stop eating." He shook his head violently and pushed my hand away from my stomach. "There's no pudge there or anywhere on you, Jo." He put his hand over my mouth to stop my protests. "Shhh. Don't argue with me on that one. I'll not be convinced otherwise. Now tell me what she's saying to hurt you." "Don't tell him anything," Ana said harshly. But i ignored her and bared it all to him through the tears that continued to flow from my eyes. She stormed out of the room. He sat and listened so patiently and caringly to all the words that i sobbed, and tried to counter Ana's accusations with logic. "It doesn't matter if she's right or not," i whimpered. "I still have to stop this eating." He sighed and nodded slowly. "All right, love. Let's make a deal with her." I saw her head poking through the doorway. "And what's that?" she and i both asked at the same time. "You'll eat only once a day, but it'll have to be big enough for a normal person's meal, and we'll start working out every day." I nodded. "That sounds wonderful," i told him. She shook her head. "It sounds like entirely too much food," she told me, "but i suppose it'll work better than nothing at all." Jacob pulled me tightly against his own bony body. "I love you, sweetheart. And i just want you to be able to be happy with what you see in the mirror, but i want you to be healthy too." I nodded. "I love you too. And i'll try my best to get there." "Don't forget that i love you," Ana interrupted, wrapping her bony arms around me from behind. I sighed. "I love you too."
"Come back to me," i heard Ana's voice whispering in my ear. I shook my head slightly, but didn't verbally respond. Jacob was right next to me. This was no conversation i wanted him to see or hear, for i knew that it would upset him that Ana was even a tempting option. Not that he would get angry.... He just wouldn't be at all happy. "Idiot," Ana replied. "At least come talk to me." I sighed softly. Jacob noticed that sigh. "Is everything all right, love?" he asked, concern covering his gloriously beautiful face. I nodded. "I'm fine, hunny." "Something's bothering you," he said. "I don't like to see you unhappy." I smiled, glad that he knew me so well. "It'll be ok, i promise." My stomach gurgled, unhappily full. In complete honesty i said, "I'm gonna have to run to the bathroom though. Those horrid deep fried chicken tenders are not agreeing with me," and i took off. Ana followed. "I told you not to eat those, didn't i?" she bragged. "Do i get no privacy, even when i'm on the toilet?" i responded. She shrugged. "You know i'm always with you. At least this gives me a chance to talk with you without you not answering me." I just rolled my eyes and bent myself over from the pain in my abdomen. "Tell me something, will you?" Ana began. "Why do you think everything is going not so great? What reason would you give?" "I don't know what you're talking about. Everything's wonderful between me and Jacob. We've never fought or even really disagreed." She shook her head. "That's not at all what i mean." "Then what do you mean?" "Your parent's practically disowning you. No one helping you move that car you wrecked to try to get a bit of money from it. Not getting back to work as soon as you wished..." I shook my head. "Ridiculous family, bad luck and slow progress. That's what reason i'd give. And those things will all work out soon and be just fine." "You're wrong on all of your answers. Your parents don't want you because who really wants to point at someone as fat as you and say 'that's my child'? No one! And no one wants to help you move that car because no one wants to help a fat girl. You're not getting back to work as quickly as you thought because a fat girl is disgusting, and seeing a fat girl in a grocery store makes people buy less food." "Stop, Ana. You're being ridiculous." I tried to ignore her words that had wounded both my pride and resolve to eat "normally". She raised her eyebrows. "Oh, am i? Then what about that possible miscarriage?" I bit my lip. Of course she had to remind me of that fresh pain. I'd been so sure that i would have my husband's child, and then suddenly bled abnormally only a month into the pregnancy that we had both so wanted. "What does that have to do with anything?" i asked, wiping at a tear that threatened to roll down my cheek. Cruelty filled her next words, "It happened because no fat person deserves to be a parent." The tears would no longer be held back. They flooded down my face. "Shut up!" I screamed at her. "Just shut up and stop hurting me!" "I won't. That would be ceasing to tell you the truth." I put my head in my hands and just sobbed. I didn't at all know what to do.
"Jo!" Ana's call was loud in the silence of the room. "Shush," i replied, holding one hand over my racing heart and the other over Jacob's sleeping head. "You'll wake my love." A pout sneaked over her pretty little face. "I thought i was your love." I sighed. "Ana, please, you know what i mean." "No, i don't. Am i still your love at all?" I shook my head. "I don't know." Now it was anger that overtook her expressions. "You're being stupid. Come back to me and get rid of that fat that's growing more prominent all over your body." I bit my lip. The fat was quite as prominent as she said, at least in my eyes. In Jacob's it was nonexistent, but neither Ana nor i saw it that way. "I can't come back to you... i made a promise to my Jacob." "Bullshit. I was in your life far before he ever was. How is a promise to him important to you at all?" "I love him," i answered her. She shook her head. "You used to love me." I knew i was hurting her, and that hurt me. "Stop, you know i still do." "Show it through your actions then." "Go away," i said softly. "What?" The shock in her voice was evident. I shook my head. "No, stay. I didn't mean that." She raised her eyebrows. "Why should i stay if you don't do a thing i say?" "You shouldn't." "Not very convincing, sweetie." "That's because i'm not convinced," i murmured and turned my back to her. "Let me be for now, please." I heard her moving toward the door. "No, Ana, wait. Stay in the room with me..." Her twig-like arms wrapped tightly around me from behind. "You're so damn confusing," she whispered. I nodded. "And so damn confused."
It's been a while since i posted, hasn't it? I miss you all, and yet sometimes, whenever i do get back on to read blogs and post and such, i'm partially afraid that it will trigger me back to Ana but more saddened by the fact that i've found happiness without her. Part of me misses Ana... Part of me is frightened by her. But all of me wishes to give you all the happiness i found without her. I even almost teared up a bit just a second ago reading your blogs and seeing that you're still hurting when i'm not. It's not fair. If i could, i'd give up some of my happiness so you all could have it. Just know that my heart is with you, and i love you and worry for you often. HUGS AND LOVE TO YOU ALL. Leave me some comments and updates on yourselves, and remember that i love you!
