Finally Back!

Hey everyone. Sorry i was gone for so long... i've just been so lazy lately, not wanting to walk down to the library in the heat and in clothes that don't fit me, but i finally got my ass moving, and i can now tell you all the things that i have to tell you! There's so much...
First off, i'll start with something really simple: i finally got some maternity clothes! Yay! They're all hand-me-downs from people i know, but hey, it's better than nothing. I really can't complain just because none of them are really my style considering they were all free.. Besides, finding maternity clothes in my style is impossible anyway. Do any of you happen to know any websites where i can find some alternative/punk/goth maternity clothes? I tried googling it and didn't find much. If you have better luck, let me know. I just want to buy one really cute maternity outfit because sometime soon Jesse and i are going to have our pictures done professionally while i have this baby bump. I think that should be kinda cute, and definitely unique... what do you all think?
Now, the exciting news. I found out what my baby is! AND it's a girl!!! Just like Jesse and i were both hoping. I would post the ultrasound pictures on here, but the CD that has them on it is still in the car, which of course Jesse has. But i'll try to get motivated and get down here again to post them soon. At least we're pretty sure it's a girl... she had her legs crossed being all modest. Haha. But from what we could tell, she's a she. I'm pretty excited to start buying some pink stuff now! :) We found that out exactly a week ago, and at that point the doctor told us she weighed just under 2 lbs. We got to see her little hands and feet and a 3D image of her face too. So exciting. I'm ready to see her for real now!
Oh, and by the middle of July, Jesse and i should either have our own place or have the money to get it anyway. His new job is really helping out quite a bit, and we're both selling whatever we can to try to scrape up the money. We found some places open now that we're hoping will still be open when we have the money for the security deposits... keep your fingers crossed for me!
Other than that, there's really not a whole lot going on. I spend most of my days just reading a book or working on my cross stitch--which is actually quite an addictive hobby for me. It's difficult for me to put that down once i pick it up. Good thing i've got two more to do once i finish this first one! I think i really do need to be a bit more active... It's just so difficult for me right now because i feel so enormous, and my bones are not used to supporting that extra weight, so something is always aching, especially my hip that was massively fucked up by the car accident. I mean, fortunately all the weight i have gained is in my belly and my boobies...and a teeny tiny bit on my butt, so it should all come off easily after the baby comes, but ugh i'm huge!! And being big like that makes me want to hide away and never go out, even if it is obviously pregnacy. I guess that doesn't make much sense, does it? But it's just how i feel.
Oh well, off to try to catch up on all of your lovely blogs now. Love to you all, and thank you for all the comments! They always make me smile. :) Only 3 more months until i can post pictures of my baby outside of my belly!!

Scenespo for Stealthy

Brief Update

In 13 days i will know if my baby is a boy or a girl. Can't wait! Then in the beginning of October, i'll find out what my baby looks like outside of my belly. That i really really can't wait for. But thinking of popping the baby out makes me wonder, how long will it take to lose whatever weight i've put on that isn't baby, placenta, and extra water? Will it be more than a month? Especially since i'm going to be breast feeding and can't hop right back on the Ana train instantly? I'm tired of being fat... I know it's because of the baby, and i'm not considering not eating or anything else that would be harmful to the baby, but i'm just so tired of not being able to fit into my clothes.
I guess it doesn't help much that i don't have the money to buy some maternity clothes that will actually fit me, thanks to my dickhead ex boss. He's not going to easily pay my unemployment, of course since he's such a tightwad, so i've got to file an appeal and hope for the best. It's just the reason i wanted to get the unemployment was so we'd have enough money to get by until jesse starts gettin his good paychecks from his new job, and since i've got to file an appeal and wait for all of that to be processed, the unemployment really isn't going to help much with that. He's such an asshole. Seriously, you fired a pregnant woman AND her husband on the same day and you won't even cut her a break and let her collect unemployment. Be considerate for once in your life!
Sorry... I'm just so friggin' tired. I've been getting 3 to 4 hours of sleep every night on average because my body hurts so bad from sleeping on the floor, and i can't take any pain meds to help out with that. The only thing i'm allowed to take while pregnant is Tylonol, and that doesn't do a single thing when my entire lower body is screaming in pain and keeping me awake. Last night i woke jesse up because i was crying from being exhausted and hurting so much. I just don't know what to do. I already asked the doctor if they could give me anything, and they said no, but i can't take this shit!
Oh dear, my brief update is more like a long sobfest... Do forgive me, lovelies. I'll try to find the incentive to walk my lazy ass down to the library again tomorrow and give you the thinspos you requested. I love you all, and i'm beyond grateful to those of you who manage to read through all of my whiney posts. xoxo

Thinspo? Not Really... But Still Pretty

Peridot gave me an awesome idea on my last post when i asked for thinspo requests. She told me to post pictures of pregnant celebrities. I was a bit wary at first because i really don't see how anyone can look good while pregnant, but i still googled it, and i found out that they really are still beautiful. I don't think i'm as beautiful as them... but then i don't have all that photo editing either. Lol. Thought i'd share the some of the pics i found with you all as well as a picture of my belly with jesse loving on the unborn baby (that's the first one, obviously). Maybe sometime soon i'll even get the nerve to post a picture of my baby bump where you can actually see my face.... Maybe... But thanks, Peri, for actually making me feel like i can still be pretty while prego.

Stealthy, i will do the scenespo post for you next.... You might wanna leave me a reminder though. My memory sucks. :D

Thinspo Requests?

I'm planning on doing some thinspo posts here really soon to help inspire you all right now, and to help inspire me later on. Any requests as to thinspo themes you'd like to see?

Thank you!

Your comments are the bestest things ever! Peri, yours especially always make me smile. I love you all bunches and bunches, and i love it when you comment.
There's not a whole lot new going on right now. Same old, same old, but i figured i should put some kind of update on here because i haven't in a while. I've decided i should make it a weekly thing to update and catch up on blogs. (Hopefully more often than weekly on the catching up part!) Until the baby comes, i really have no updates on anything that i even made this blog about, so i figured i'd keep you all posted on all the fetal developments on a weekly basis. Perhaps that way i'll be less inclined to whine in all of my posts.
As far as the baby goes, i swear i've felt it kick with my hand several times! From what i've heard, i shouldn't be able to feel it kick from the outside for another couple of weeks. But it's a strong little bugger, and is constantly kicking the hell out of my insides just so i can feel it on the outside. Definitely like it's daddy. Haha.
But other than that i really have no updates... boring, i know. But i love you all, and am now off to catch up on what i've missed in your lives!

I'm still here

I suppose i'm doing alright. Nothing's much easier than it was in my last post, which is why i haven't posted in so long. My typed complaints about the same things will not make them any better, so why should i trouble all of you lovely people with reading them, especially when i have been too wrapped up in my self pity to read and comment on all of your beautiful blogs? I feel like a waste of space in this blogging community right now. I'm fat as anything... and i can't so ANYTHING to fix it right now. In fact, i'm supposed to be gaining weight. I truly despise that part of the pregnacy... I miss Ana and all of her ways so badly...
This past Monday, i went to the doctor for a routine checkup on the baby, and everything with the pregnacy is going well, i suppose. The heartbeat was quite strong, and the little one is kicking up a storm, even kicked at the doppler device (the thingy they use to hear the heartbeat) a couple times while it was on my belly. I will be 22 weeks along this coming tuesday, but i'm not finding out the baby's sex until the 20th of next month, which is very disappointing to both Jesse and myself because we're so ready to know what we're having, and we should be able to know now, but the stupid doctor didn't set up the ultrasound appointment asap like i wanted. But i suppose i can wait a few more weeks without dying of curiosity. The only problem the doctor had when i went for the checkup was that i hadn't gained any weight from the last visit about a month before. I really don't see how that can be possible; i feel like i'm eating enough to feed an army...but i guess in my mind that's probably equal to what the non-disordered American eats when they're not pregnant. I know that my belly has gotten much bigger in the past month though, so how the hell have i not gained anything? ...The number on the scale is still horrifying: 144 lbs. That's approx 12 lbs more than what i weighed before i knew i was pregnant, and i know that's pretty much on track as far as what i should gain with the pregnacy, but i still hate it. I don't think disordered women should be able to get pregnant; it fucks with their minds waaaaay too much.
The job situation is looking better for now. Jesse got a job through a recruiting agency, and his first day is today. He's working a 10 hour day right off the start--at $10 per hour pay! So that really is looking good. Hopefully nothing goes wrong there and he can keep that sort of work up. I managed to get unemployment since no one around here wants to hire someone who's pregnant. I just have to go through all the grueling paperwork that recieveing that money requires. After the baby comes though, i am SO going back to work, not that i want to leave my child, which i really don't, i just want to feel like i'm not useless and making Jesse bring in all the money while i mooch off the government. I hate feeling like a mooch. :(
Living situation is still the same: living out of a one bedroom, one bathroom, one living room with a teeny tiny connected kitchen (and no other rooms) appartment with another couple. It's hard on me, but hopefully it will change soon since Jesse has a job. I'm really trying to be posative with this post so i don't bore you all with my depressive attitude. Did i succeed? I hope so. I'd like to be a posative kind of person, but i'm naturally just not. I wonder how one goes about changing that? Any ideas?
I'm off to try to catch up on some of your blogs before Jesse gets back home and i get to spend a bit of time with him. Wish me luck, and do forgive me for not staying as caught up as i could have. Love and hugs to you all from both me and baby.

That's what's up.

So we moved again... cuz i couldn't take living with ryan's mom. She has some mental issues which she takes medication for, but i dont think the meds do anything at all when mixed with alcohol, which she drinks constantly. I'm crazy enough on my own, thanks; i don't need encouragement to go nutso. I cried almost every night living there. Now we're living with the people we chose to be the baby's godparents. We have no issues getting along... it's just a very tiny appartment, and i'm sick of living out of living rooms.

Oh stop your complaining, just be thankful you're not literally living out of the car. Instead you're only half living out of the car, and you know that really is better. *talking to self, don't worry, i do it all the time. it's just part of my craziness.*

No updates on the baby at the moment except i think i felt it kick yesterday. That was actually pretty cool and exciting. I'm 20 weeks now; more than halfway done. Woo! Now i just need a home for him/her when he/she comes. Oh shit, now i'm back to that rant...

Neither of us has a real job yet, and jesse's under the table deer farm job is bullshit. He hasn't worked once this week, not by his choice but because "he's not needed because of the rain." Yeah, big money making stuff there. I applied for unemployment (i think i already told you that), but haven't heard if i'm getting it or not just yet, so i'm job hunting like a mofo and getting nowhere with it. So yeah... i almost started my rant about how that's making me definitely not have a home, but i'm sure ya'll are just as sick of hearing that as i am of thinking it.

I think i'll just shut up now cuz all i do is bitch and cry about having no home. Sorry guys... I wish i was more in a good mood for you all... but i'm just not. I love you though... Leave me comments; help me through this cuz i know i can't do it on my own.

There are Thorns on Every Rose, in This I'm Reconciled. They're Just a Little Sharper to a Melancholy Child

So more on that job thing that i REALLY don't feel like talking about... A group of us were goofing off one night and some dumbass thought it'd be awesome to take pix and post them on facebook. Good job, good job. The store owner somehow found them and fired all 7 of us right on the spot BUT he called us all in for a meeting just to tell us we were fired rather than being semi-decent about it and just telling us over the phone. Thanks for wasting gas money we definitely don't have now, asshole!
So jesse and i are both jobless, and of course that means we can't afford to get that appartment--or any for that matter.. We can't even afford to pay the rent to live at the shithole we were living at before. Thank god for ryan and his mom. They're letting us live with them for free because otherwise we'd be living out of the car. Their couch is just so uncomfy it's ridiculous, but i guess i really shouldn't be bitching. At least i've got a place to live, right?
I'm just so afraid i'm not going to be able to get a job because i am pregnant and lots of people won't hire you if they know you're pregnant... And then i'm afraid that we won't be able to afford our own place and i'll be raising my child out of people's living rooms. If that's the case, i'd have to consider adoption or something, and i DON"T want to do that... Grr.
Therefore i have hit a depression and have been sitting around sulking and crying for the past 3 days. Jesse says that makes him feel awful, but how the fuck am i supposed to help that?! So yeah. That's what's up with my life. Ain't it lovely?

And right after i posted my last update... jesse and i both got fired. FUCK MY LIFE!

Untitled

I never get to post anymore! I miss you all so much it's ridiculous. I've been living out of a friend's living room for the past week, and there's no internet access up there. So once again, i'm at Wendy's just to write to you all.

I believe i've caught cold.. that or alergies are acting up something awful, and there's next to nothing that i can take for any of that, so my head is in a fog and i feel like i can't breathe. So if this post makes no sense, that's why. That's also why this post is going to be so short...because i feel so shittastic. Grr.

Anyway, not much new. Living out of Ryan's living room....his couch is rather uncomfortable, and his mom is rather psycho, but it's whatever. At least we're more welcome there than where we were living. We found an appartment that we will find out today for sure if we're approved for. I pray that we are... kind of. I don't know if we can really afford it because work is shitting on me.

They're practically demoting me for the sole reason that i'm pregnant. Not straight up demoting me, but telling me to demote myself because apparently i can't handle it in their mind. I don't know what to do. If i don't step down i know they're gonna pick apart my every move until they can demote me themselves which will look even worse on a job application. I don't think my work skills have changed at all except that one breakdown in the past. Nothing else has happened! I hate it. It adds to all the excess stress.

But yeah.. that's really all i have to say.. Too tired to figure out what else is new. Love you guys bunches.

Looooooong update

Wow. I know i haven't updated in forever, but the internet connection is down at the shit-hole i'm living in. I've got so much to tell you all... i don't even know where to begin! I guess i'll just go through it day by day..

First off, on Monday i went to the doctor and got all the results of bloodwork back, and everything is good there. No complications with the pregnacy, and the baby is healthy. Yay! But then after the doctor appointment, Jesse and i met up with my parents to get our mail that was sent to their house. They bought us lunch at the food court in the mall where we met them, and it was all good. We were talking and getting along quite well, but then i saw my ex..the one who cheated on me the entire two years we were together and was mildly abusive. I crossed my fingers that he hadn't seen me, but he did. He didn't say anything, but he stared at me and circled the food court a bunch of times. Then he went and hid behind a stand like a little girl and flipped me off. We left shortly after that, and i thought nothing of it. But wait, there's more to come on that subject.

Then nothing much happened until Wednesday when i went to hang out with one of my close friends, who is also Jesse's ex. Crazy, huh? But we all get along quite well and he's friends with her as well, so it works out. Anyway, Amber and i decided to go to Wendys (where Jesse and i work) mainly to see Jesse, but also to get her some food. Jesse went on break and we were all sitting at a table talking when my ex showed up there too! How on earth he figured out where i work, i'll never know, but it really did scare me because it felt as if he was following me. He sat at a table right next to us and stared at me with some sort of smirk. We left after Jesse's break was over, and once again, i tried to think nothing of my ex's appearance.

On Thursday, Jesse and i went to hang out with a girl i work with and her girlfriend. We were all hanging out, talking away, paying absolutely no attention to the movie we had rented, and having a good time. These two girls are on fairly good terms with the people we are living with... Let's just say that they can get some stuff that the people we live with enjoy having and leave it at that... But as we were talking, the one girl told us that she had talked with the girl we are living with and was told that she was "sick of our bullshit" and "ready to kick us out". What did we ever do to her?! We keep to ourselves and make sure not to bother them at all. Now i hate living there even more than before.. I was thankful for the warning though... But now, i don't know if it's all in my head or not, but i do feel some sort of odd tension in the house between us and them. Jesse said this morning that he feels it too though. Anyway, i'm beyond ready to get out of there now. In fact, we've been staying out till 4 am most nights, just to keep out of the place. I'm getting less sleep because of it, but i kind of feel like it's worth that.

Then Friday--you're going to laugh at this--Jesse was one of the male dancers at a local club. It was "girls night" at the club, so they had mostly male dancers, all of which were local. Oh lovies, he was so sexy i just wanted to rape him on the stage! Lol. But we both had so much fun with it, and now he says he's going to do it every month since it's a once a month thing. I thought i'd feel awkward having the other guys and girls dance on me, but i really had so much fun. We both had a completely awesome time.

Saturday, however, just sucked all around. One person called off work on my shift, and another didn't call and didn't show up on my shift. I was down two people who were supposed to close, could find no one to come in and cover those shifts, and it was quite busy, so none of the regular, pre-closing stuff got done before we locked the doors. It was awful, and then on top of all of that, my ex showed up at Wendys AGAIN! What the hell? He stared at me and did that stupid smirk the whole time, and it terrified me. There's no reason for him to show up at my work twice in one week. He lives an hour away from where i work, and if he really loves Wendys food that much, there are at least 3 Wendys restaurants closer to his house, so i swear, he's following me... and it absolutely terrifies me... I get the chills and shakes so bad any time i see his face. Usually, it'd be whatever if he decided to smack me around like he used to, but now i have a baby inside me to worry about and be careful with! Not that i really think he'd be dumb enough to do it in a public place... but i guess it's just past memories that makes me think he might. I don't know what to do about it! I called Jesse and begged and pleaded and got him to come into work to help me stop my breakdown, and help us close the store. I'm so glad that man loves me so much...

I adore you all for reading this far on my rambly ramblings, so i'll spare you the pain of reading more and shut up now. I love you all! I promise to do my best to catch up on your blogs and keep mine more updated in the very near future. xoxo!