Matt's name glared up at me in angry red letters on the skin above my barely protruding hip bone. "That's by far the stupidest thing you've ever done," Ana told me with a smirk. "You could have at least carved my name into you, but no, it had to be his."
"My name's on him," i answered lamely.
She snorted. "Your name is in my heart; can you say that much about him?"
"Maybe," i said with a shrug.
She just shook her head. "Whatever."
My hands shook as i reached for the diet pills and water bottle she handed to me, and i couldn't help but smile. "I'm shaking," i told her proudly.
She smiled softly. "I know. That's progress."
I agreed. "How many Calories today, Ana?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. I haven't been giving you a maximum number for a long time. Why don't you just keep doing what you're doing and stick with as few as you possibly can?"
"Ok.... Can i have breakfast?"
Another shrug. "Can you avoid eating much during the other mealtimes?"
"I think so. I don't think i'll be eating lunch at all and i'm not going to eat dinner with my parents; i never do."
"Then fine; eat some breakfast."
I nodded and began to make my way into the kitchen.
"Oh, but Jo?" Ana stopped me. "Not to much, right?"
I smiled. "Of course not."
She returned the smile. "Good."
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Apology
I've not been reading and commenting as much as i should... I've not been posting as much as i should... i've not been exercising as much as i should... and i've not been restricting as much as i should. But i WILL do all of those things very very soon. I promise. I love you all so much!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Almost Beautiful
I smiled as i looked into the mirror. My collarbone was starting to show. My hip bones had begun to poke out a little bit. My ribs would be showing soon. I was almost beautiful. "I love you, Ana," i said aloud to no one in particular.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Rainy Days
"I'm lonely," i whispered into the rainy morning air. I poked at my stomach. "And i'm fat." I reached up to feel for my collarbones, the first bones to start to show, the only comfort i had. "Where are you, Ana?"
A musical laugh sounded in my ear. "Right behind you, sweetie." And i felt her arm slide around my shoulder.
I sighed and leaned into her. "I'm cold," i complained, and she draped a blanket around me.
"Just go back to sleep," she told me. "It's an excellent morning for sleeping, and as long as you sleep, you're not going to be eating."
"But i dream about eating," i complained, remembering the giant, icing-covered cookie from last night's nightmare. I'd devoured the whole thing, only to realize that it was over 2,000 Calories.
Ana smiled sympathetically and handed me two diet pills. "Here, take these then."
I swallowed them down with a glass of water, knowing they'd make me feel queasy anytime something entered my mouth, but also knowing that that was a good thing. "I'm still lonely and fat," i said sullenly.
Ana looked hurt. "Don't be lonely; i'm here. And you're not going to be fat for long."
I sighed. "I know. I'm sorry; i guess it's just one of those days where it's impossible to be happy."
She nodded and brushed the hair out of my eyes. "It'll be all right," she promised, and somehow, i believed her.
A musical laugh sounded in my ear. "Right behind you, sweetie." And i felt her arm slide around my shoulder.
I sighed and leaned into her. "I'm cold," i complained, and she draped a blanket around me.
"Just go back to sleep," she told me. "It's an excellent morning for sleeping, and as long as you sleep, you're not going to be eating."
"But i dream about eating," i complained, remembering the giant, icing-covered cookie from last night's nightmare. I'd devoured the whole thing, only to realize that it was over 2,000 Calories.
Ana smiled sympathetically and handed me two diet pills. "Here, take these then."
I swallowed them down with a glass of water, knowing they'd make me feel queasy anytime something entered my mouth, but also knowing that that was a good thing. "I'm still lonely and fat," i said sullenly.
Ana looked hurt. "Don't be lonely; i'm here. And you're not going to be fat for long."
I sighed. "I know. I'm sorry; i guess it's just one of those days where it's impossible to be happy."
She nodded and brushed the hair out of my eyes. "It'll be all right," she promised, and somehow, i believed her.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
I think i have an addiction...
And it's not drugs or alcohol or caffeine. It's not food, and it's not even Ana. No, it's cutting! I did it again today, and i don't even have a reason. Sure, i'm stressed and sad about the Matt/Brandon situation. Sure, i'm pissed at myself that i keep failing at food goals. But that stuff wasn't even in my head when i cut. I just wanted to see my blood... Is it just me or does that make NO SENSE? And i'm too stupid to cut some where that isn't my arm. (You know, like somewhere i could more easily hide.) Don't ask me why; i have no idea. I thought about it, but then decided, no i like cutting my arm and started carving away. There are now 5 new shallow cuts on my arm and 4 new deeper ones. That's what it took to satisfy my bloodlust...I really think i have a problem... I mean sure, my ED is a problem too, but this problem i actually don't want to accept. I wanna fix it, but i don't know how. :'( Life is crap...
Oh, but don't worry, that picture isn't of me. I just found it online and thought it was pretty. Holy shit, i'm twisted!
Oh, but don't worry, that picture isn't of me. I just found it online and thought it was pretty. Holy shit, i'm twisted!
The Only Way to Fix This is to Starve
I awoke with a sigh. "Ana?" i whispered.
"I'm here, sweetie," she replied, putting her tiny arms around me.
I put my head on her shoulder and burst into tears. "I don't know what to do," i sobbed.
"Shhh," she soothed, stroking my hair with her hand. "It'll all turn out ok; it always does."
"No, it never does."
"Talk to me, sweetie."
I shook my head. "I don't want to."
She smiled softly. "Yes, you do. I know you do."
"It's Matt and Brandon again," i told her. "Matt told me last night that he knew that Brandon had cheated on me. I'd say whatever because i know Matt just wants us to break up, but i know Brandon has cheated on his girl before, and once a cheater, always a cheater, you know? But i don't know. If i ask Brandon about it, he'll say he didn't, whether he did or not... And Matt will just keep insisting that he did. There's no way i can know what's going on."
"Wow, sweetie," Ana said with a shudder. "That's the worst situation you've been in yet. Maybe you should listen to Jacob and just take a break from everyone. Jacob does know a lot about a lot of things." She handed me the bottle of diet pills. "Here, take one of these."
I nodded and obliged, swallowing the pill down with gulps of water.
"Or maybe you could just starve, that'd solve things."
I shook my head. "You're ridiculous. How would that help anything?"
She shrugged. "It helps anything."
And sadly enough, she seemed so right.
*ok, everyone i really need your opinions on what to do about the Matt and Brandon situation... cuz i'm sooo confused and upset by it all. I love you all!
"I'm here, sweetie," she replied, putting her tiny arms around me.
I put my head on her shoulder and burst into tears. "I don't know what to do," i sobbed.
"Shhh," she soothed, stroking my hair with her hand. "It'll all turn out ok; it always does."
"No, it never does."
"Talk to me, sweetie."
I shook my head. "I don't want to."
She smiled softly. "Yes, you do. I know you do."
"It's Matt and Brandon again," i told her. "Matt told me last night that he knew that Brandon had cheated on me. I'd say whatever because i know Matt just wants us to break up, but i know Brandon has cheated on his girl before, and once a cheater, always a cheater, you know? But i don't know. If i ask Brandon about it, he'll say he didn't, whether he did or not... And Matt will just keep insisting that he did. There's no way i can know what's going on."
"Wow, sweetie," Ana said with a shudder. "That's the worst situation you've been in yet. Maybe you should listen to Jacob and just take a break from everyone. Jacob does know a lot about a lot of things." She handed me the bottle of diet pills. "Here, take one of these."
I nodded and obliged, swallowing the pill down with gulps of water.
"Or maybe you could just starve, that'd solve things."
I shook my head. "You're ridiculous. How would that help anything?"
She shrugged. "It helps anything."
And sadly enough, she seemed so right.
*ok, everyone i really need your opinions on what to do about the Matt and Brandon situation... cuz i'm sooo confused and upset by it all. I love you all!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Bloody Wednesday
"Oh shit..." I muttered. "This isn't supposed to happen to me anymore." I stared at the brown spot inside my panties. "I stopped getting my period long ago."
"You know what that means, don't you?" Ana asked.
"That i'm failing worse that i thought," i replied.
She nodded. "Exactly."
"Well not anymore; i'm getting rid of this! I don't want it. It means i'm fat."
Ana laughed. "Not exactly, but kind of."
I rummaged through the cabinet in my bathroom. "I don't even have any tampons," i whined. "Now i gotta go to the store."
"You might as well walk there; get some exercise in."
"Yeah, well you know what?" I said opening up the box of diet pills i'd always been to afraid to use. "I'm popping these bitches. And i'm eating nothing but fruits and veggies today and hopefully tomorrow. And the day after."
The pill stuck in my throat until Ana handed me a bottle of water. I took a huge gulp to get it down. "Hopefully this helps," i said. "And hopefully it doesn't fuck me up."
"You'll be fine, sweetie. Trust me."
Trust Ana? Of course i will!
"You know what that means, don't you?" Ana asked.
"That i'm failing worse that i thought," i replied.
She nodded. "Exactly."
"Well not anymore; i'm getting rid of this! I don't want it. It means i'm fat."
Ana laughed. "Not exactly, but kind of."
I rummaged through the cabinet in my bathroom. "I don't even have any tampons," i whined. "Now i gotta go to the store."
"You might as well walk there; get some exercise in."
"Yeah, well you know what?" I said opening up the box of diet pills i'd always been to afraid to use. "I'm popping these bitches. And i'm eating nothing but fruits and veggies today and hopefully tomorrow. And the day after."
The pill stuck in my throat until Ana handed me a bottle of water. I took a huge gulp to get it down. "Hopefully this helps," i said. "And hopefully it doesn't fuck me up."
"You'll be fine, sweetie. Trust me."
Trust Ana? Of course i will!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Stop Telling Me I'm Not Disordered!
Ok. To all of you who keep telling me i'm stupid or not anorexic or whatever, go fuck yourself. I never claimed to be anorexic. I said Ana was my friend; i did not say she ruled my life. I am EDNOS, but seriously, how do you personify EDNOS? EDNOS said this, EDNOS did that... Yeah that just doesn't sound as good. Did i ever claim to be anorexic? NO! I am Pro-Ana, that doesn't mean i'm anorexic. Go do your research.
And as far as not being disordered at all: well i'm pretty damn sure that i am. When you want to look like a skeleton, i'd say you're disordered. I want to see my ribs; i want to see my hip bones; i want my cheek bones to stand out; i want my collarbones to poke through my skin. I want to be TOO THIN (as if there is such a thing). That is my definition of beautiful. When i say Ana will make me beautiful, i don't mean big boobs, tiny waist and a nice ass, which is what all of you probably think. No, i mean skeletal, painfully thin, like a breath of wind could blow me away.
This is what you think is beauty:
This is what i know is beauty:
And as far as not being disordered at all: well i'm pretty damn sure that i am. When you want to look like a skeleton, i'd say you're disordered. I want to see my ribs; i want to see my hip bones; i want my cheek bones to stand out; i want my collarbones to poke through my skin. I want to be TOO THIN (as if there is such a thing). That is my definition of beautiful. When i say Ana will make me beautiful, i don't mean big boobs, tiny waist and a nice ass, which is what all of you probably think. No, i mean skeletal, painfully thin, like a breath of wind could blow me away.
This is what you think is beauty:
This is what i know is beauty:
Tequila Rose!
"Here, hun, you have to try this," Jacob said, shoving a bottle of tequila rose my way.
"Calories?!" Ana screamed. "I don't know the Calorie count of that stuff!"
I smiled sweetly at him and tried to pacify both him and Ana. "I do have to drive home in less than an hour, you know?"
"Come on, it's me. You know i wouldn't give you anything that would mess you up to drive," Jacob told me. "You're not that much of a light-weight."
I trusted him, so much that i'd trust him with my life. He was one of my very best friends. I reached for the bottle.
"Jo, you don't know the Calorie count!" Ana cried.
"I haven't eaten anything all day, Ana. A couple Calories won't kill me." I tilted my head back and felt the liquor burn only a little bit on my throat. "Wow," i said. "It's delicious!"
Jacob laughed. "See? I told you. I could chug the whole bottle."
I laughed with him. "If i wasn't driving, i'd second that."
"Calories, Calories, Calories," Ana buzzed in my ear.
I tried to shut her up with another shot of tequila... Then a couple sips of Ryan's DeSorreno. I hadn't had much, but the room was starting to look a little weird, so i took one last shot of Jacob's drink and said i was done.
"Do you want some food or anything?" Ryan asked me.
Ana was in control as far as that went. "No, thanks though," i answered. Any normal person would have found that to be a good idea, seeing as i was a little tipsy from four shots of liquor and hadn't eaten all day, but not i. And certainly not Ana.
"Calories?!" Ana screamed. "I don't know the Calorie count of that stuff!"
I smiled sweetly at him and tried to pacify both him and Ana. "I do have to drive home in less than an hour, you know?"
"Come on, it's me. You know i wouldn't give you anything that would mess you up to drive," Jacob told me. "You're not that much of a light-weight."
I trusted him, so much that i'd trust him with my life. He was one of my very best friends. I reached for the bottle.
"Jo, you don't know the Calorie count!" Ana cried.
"I haven't eaten anything all day, Ana. A couple Calories won't kill me." I tilted my head back and felt the liquor burn only a little bit on my throat. "Wow," i said. "It's delicious!"
Jacob laughed. "See? I told you. I could chug the whole bottle."
I laughed with him. "If i wasn't driving, i'd second that."
"Calories, Calories, Calories," Ana buzzed in my ear.
I tried to shut her up with another shot of tequila... Then a couple sips of Ryan's DeSorreno. I hadn't had much, but the room was starting to look a little weird, so i took one last shot of Jacob's drink and said i was done.
"Do you want some food or anything?" Ryan asked me.
Ana was in control as far as that went. "No, thanks though," i answered. Any normal person would have found that to be a good idea, seeing as i was a little tipsy from four shots of liquor and hadn't eaten all day, but not i. And certainly not Ana.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Only in the Grip of Darkness Can we Shine Amidst the Brightest Stars
The title is a line from "The Death of Love" by Cradle of filth. If you like deathmetal definately check it out. It's an excellent song.
Yesterday was just a bad day. I'm feeling a lot better today, especially after reading all of your comments. Seriously, nothing puts a smile on my face better than getting on here and seeing that you all still love me, even when i mess up. It's magical! :)
I have this little fantasy where all of us in this little community meet each other at a coffee shop and have a huge party (without food, of course). Yeah.. i know it'll never happen, but i can keep dreaming! I'd hug all of you so tight! Lol. I love you guys!
Yesterday was just a bad day. I'm feeling a lot better today, especially after reading all of your comments. Seriously, nothing puts a smile on my face better than getting on here and seeing that you all still love me, even when i mess up. It's magical! :)
I have this little fantasy where all of us in this little community meet each other at a coffee shop and have a huge party (without food, of course). Yeah.. i know it'll never happen, but i can keep dreaming! I'd hug all of you so tight! Lol. I love you guys!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
....
Ugh. I'm sorry... I failed. Again. Sometimes i wonder if i have bipolar disorder... I mean one minute, i'll be like "fast fast fast, no food for two months" and almost cry when i see a skinny girl cuz i wanna be her and then the next, i'm like "omg CUPCAKES!" chomp. I'm fucking horrible at this! I can't do it; but i NEED to! I need to be skinny! I need to see my ribs. I don't need to binge, but i do it anyway. What is wrong with me?!
Oh and i now have to wear long sleeves all the time becuz i have this beautiful (but rather enormous) cut running along the length of my forearm. Don't freak out on me; it's not deep, it just looks bad. But i don't really know why i did it either. Sure, i'm stressed from the Matt and Brandon drama, but i don't even think that's why i did it. I accidentally cut my finger a little bit while opening a CD and saw my blood so i just wanted to see more. I'm losing my mind.
Another trigger to the cutting was my dad brought home this book: Biblical answers about tattoos, body piercings, and cuttings (how those three fit together, i'll never know but whatever) (and where or why he got it, i'll also never know but whatever), and it's been laying on the counter for a few days. Every time i see or hear the word "cut" it makes me want to do it, so seeing that book right there every day just pushed me over the edge.
I'm just like, eww i'm a horrible blogger and a horrible follower of Ana, and i'm just pretty much useless... Again i apologize.
Oh and i now have to wear long sleeves all the time becuz i have this beautiful (but rather enormous) cut running along the length of my forearm. Don't freak out on me; it's not deep, it just looks bad. But i don't really know why i did it either. Sure, i'm stressed from the Matt and Brandon drama, but i don't even think that's why i did it. I accidentally cut my finger a little bit while opening a CD and saw my blood so i just wanted to see more. I'm losing my mind.
Another trigger to the cutting was my dad brought home this book: Biblical answers about tattoos, body piercings, and cuttings (how those three fit together, i'll never know but whatever) (and where or why he got it, i'll also never know but whatever), and it's been laying on the counter for a few days. Every time i see or hear the word "cut" it makes me want to do it, so seeing that book right there every day just pushed me over the edge.
I'm just like, eww i'm a horrible blogger and a horrible follower of Ana, and i'm just pretty much useless... Again i apologize.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Nails for Breakfast, Tacks for Snacks
"Forget about yesterday," i said softly. "So what if i binged a little bit on that stupid bag of candy. Just forget it. I'll do so much better from now on."
"I've heard that before," was Ana's bleak reply.
I shrugged. "Well you know i still have a deficit for yesterday and the day before combined. And my hair started falling out in the shower again, so i must still be making some progress, right?"
"Not as much as you would have."
I sighed. "I'm under a lot of fucking stress right now, Ana. Give me a break!"
"No! I don't do breaks, Jo! Either you're with me or you're not. You might want to take a break from Brandon so you can sort out your feelings, and he might be semi-ok with that, but I. Am. Not."
"I'm not taking a break from Brandon... Not yet..."
"You're not taking a break from me either," she hissed. "Coffee for breakfast, Red Bull for lunch, sleep through dinner. Got it?"
I nodded. "I'll try..."
"No, you'll either do it or you'll fail miserably; there is no in between."
I nodded again. "Fine. I'll do it."
"Sweetie, you've gotta stop using stress as an excuse to eat," she told me, her voice softening a bit. "Even if it was a good excuse, it'd still make you fat. You've gotta stop it. You can't eat; you just can't."
"I know. I won't eat today; i promise. I'll actually make it through a fast this time."
"Good," she said, putting her arms around me. "Yes, very good. Don't let me down this time."
"I've heard that before," was Ana's bleak reply.
I shrugged. "Well you know i still have a deficit for yesterday and the day before combined. And my hair started falling out in the shower again, so i must still be making some progress, right?"
"Not as much as you would have."
I sighed. "I'm under a lot of fucking stress right now, Ana. Give me a break!"
"No! I don't do breaks, Jo! Either you're with me or you're not. You might want to take a break from Brandon so you can sort out your feelings, and he might be semi-ok with that, but I. Am. Not."
"I'm not taking a break from Brandon... Not yet..."
"You're not taking a break from me either," she hissed. "Coffee for breakfast, Red Bull for lunch, sleep through dinner. Got it?"
I nodded. "I'll try..."
"No, you'll either do it or you'll fail miserably; there is no in between."
I nodded again. "Fine. I'll do it."
"Sweetie, you've gotta stop using stress as an excuse to eat," she told me, her voice softening a bit. "Even if it was a good excuse, it'd still make you fat. You've gotta stop it. You can't eat; you just can't."
"I know. I won't eat today; i promise. I'll actually make it through a fast this time."
"Good," she said, putting her arms around me. "Yes, very good. Don't let me down this time."
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