Yesterday and Today

I need to start writing in story mode again. I was proud of the fact that i did that because i felt it made my blog unique...but i've just gotten lazy. I've thought about it several times since i started posting again, but i sort of have a problem writing that way now that Ana isn't so prominent in my life. I'll have to ponder on it a bit more, and  hopefully soon i'll figure out a way to get back to my old writing style.
Writing hasn't been the only thing i've become lazy in these past several days. I haven't done yoga since monday, even though Fate is constantly reminding me to do it by tugging at my rolled up yoga mat and trying to mimic what she's seen me do on it. It's adorable, really, and i think she enjoys watching me and trying to copy my movements. That alone should be enough motivation...but damn depression had been making me lose all motivation to do anything.
Jesse had to quit his job on tuesday because we were losing money getting him to and from work with the ridiculous price of gas and such a long drive to get there. He says he thinks he should be able to receive unemployment compensation because just before he said he needed to quit, they ended his assignment for lack of work anyway, so my fingers are crossed that he can. I like having him home...but for some odd reason i seem to be more motivated to eat well, exercise, clean the apartment, and spend all day doting on my little lady when he isn't here. I think it's just because i know i have help with everything since he's not working, so i rely to strongly on that help and lose all motivation to do anything on my own. Foolish, since he certainly doesn't even do half of the cleaning and playing with Fate that i do, but i hold onto my false hope of a day to just relax with determination. Oh well...
Yesterday was a horrid day, but that was mainly my own fault for not drinking my pot of coffee in the morning. The day just started out awful because i got my check from the insurance company in the mail and it was $1000 short of what it was supposed to be. I thought i was going to get screwed over so badly when i saw that, and i freaked out. Thank goodness that when i called in, my agent readily admitted that he had made a mistake and told me he'd put the check in the mail with the rest of the money he owed me on it. I thought for sure i'd have much more trouble getting what i was owed than i did. The only down-side is that i've got to wait even longer to get a new car now, but it really could be much, much worse.
The rest of the day was horrid because even though the situation that threw me into spaz-out mode was easily cleared up, it left me in a depressive state because my brain likes to linger in such states for no apparent reason. I also was hurting all over... I swear i have arthritis in my knees, and there is something wrong with my neck and spine... I don't know how to fix it though because i don't have a family doctor to see about it, or the money to get one. Pain always puts me in an awful mood since there's nothing at all i can do to fix it.
On top of that, i just gave up caring about not eating junk food and ate a piece of pie. Also, as before mentioned, i failed to do my yoga. So all of that made me sulk and feel like a failure.
BUT today is a new day, and it will be better. I'll make sure of it.

Pictures!

Fatie had a fantastic birthday. :) She smashed her cake and figured out how to open and play with all her gifts. I ate some cake today, but that was to be expected anyway, so ana hasn't said anything at all about it. Hope you all enjoy the pics. There's a couple with Jesse in, and a couple with me in, but most are just Fate by herself.

Depressive Post.... Fuuuck

I'm trying not to be so glum and moody in my life, and in my blog... But i've hit another depressive day. We're losing money with Jesse going to work because we don't have our car. It was totaled trying to miss a deer. The only help we could get was from his aunt, who lent us her truck, which gets terrible gas mileage and has needed over $200 in parts that WE had to replace. His work is over an hour away from our home, and he gets paid $8 per hour. So we're spending all the money he makes on gas. The car was wrecked roughly 2 weeks ago and we still have not received even the paperwork from the insurance company, so we have no way of getting a car. On top of all that, Jesse is pretty sure that the truck is about to break down again, so he's just going to have to request a leave of absence at his job and hope he doesn't get fired for it. This is all just a bit much on me right now. I can't handle it.
Fate is screaming her head off because she's sleepy and refuses to sleep, and the dude that lives with us is on the phone yelling, so of course that's keeping her awake. Thanks for your consideration, asshole. He does this kind of shit all the time. Not to mention that he doesn't even clean up after himself, so i feel like his mother, always cleaning up after him. It's ridiculous. I need to get out of here.
I haven't done my yoga today.... I've been too depressed. Maybe if i actually did it, it would help me to get more focused and less depressed.
UGH!!! I CAN'T EVEN THINK BECAUSE HE'S TALKING SO LOUD AND HAS HIS PHONE ON SPEAKER SO LOUD!
*Bursts into tears*
Sorry... Let me come back and try to post later.
Fuck my life. 


Edit:
7 hours later i am feeling much better. I stayed in my depressive mode for quite some time, and even ended up having a bit of a junk food binge (3 cookies and one snack cake. ugh!) and completely skipping out on my yoga because i just couldn't find the motivation. But Ana really isn't kicking my ass too bad for it. She's been so nice lately. "Everyone makes mistakes. Just start over, and it'll all be alright," she told me after the binge. It's actually so much easier to listen to her when she's pleasant like that; maybe that's why she's been so nice.
After Fate woke up from her nap, she gave me cuddles and lovies and smiles. I think she could tell that i was upset and she wanted to help me feel better. It definitely worked. She's such a little angel. We searched through Netflix together until we found a show that she liked and we watched that for a while, then read stories and played toys until dinner. Jesse gave her her dinner, and then i gave her her bath afterward. More cuddles and toys, and a bedtime story, and then she went to bed perfectly. I don't know what i'd do without that child.
Then i started cleaning the entire apartment. It had to be cleaned for her birthday party tomorrow. I will NOT have guests coming to an untidy home for my baby's birthday party. There's really something very therapeutic about cleaning for me. No matter how awful a mood i'm in, if i clean, everything is so much better. I have no idea why. It's spotless now, and i'm quite proud of myself for not half-assing cleaning on a depressive day like this.
All of your lovely supportive comments helped me out too. I really do feel 100% back in the game.

Tomorrow is Fatie's birthday!!! I'm so very excited. That's when i'm going to post the new pictures of Fate and i for you all to see because i'm sure you'll all want to see her birthday party too. I can't wait! :)
Thank you for all your love and support. Hugs and love right back at you all. :) 

Ana

"Saw your face, my hand you took, just like in a storybook, and, you got me. Yeah, you've got me. I can't even argue, couldn't cuz it's true. Now you've got me. Yeah, you've got me, got me wrapped up in your pocket. Don't know how you won my heart cuz i locked it. Yeah i locked it...."

-She and Him: Got Me

She's back... not full-force yet, though i know she will soon figure out how to get there. I keep telling myself i'm not going to let her take control like she used to. I mean it, really i do, but i'm not even sure if it's possible. I don't even understand why i want her so badly. When it comes to sexual attractiveness, i prefer a woman with some nice proportionate curves... so why on earth would i want to be a stick figure!? 

As of right now, her plan for me is something that i don't think anyone could really object to. She wants me to cut out all junk food, do a short yoga routine daily, and not worry about anything else. I don''t see how this is a bad plan at all, so i'm going with it. How could i not go with it? She's my first love, and there's not a reason to object to such a harmless plan. I've been doing it for about a week already, and i had a couple slip-ups, but she didn't freak on me, just told me to try again. This was how it started when i first met her though...she seemed so harmless and turned into a monster beyond belief. But i won't let her turn into a monster this time... i think. Wish me luck.

On a side note, i seem to have lost a lot of the bloggers i followed. They've just stopped posting out of the blue. This makes me so sad. I'm hoping they're in recovery or too busy with a wonderful happy life to worry about blogging, but i'm still worried about them. If i follow you and you haven't posted in a while, but you're still here, please leave me a comment telling me you're alright. 

The positive side to this is that it gives me some time to check out new blogs. If you need a new follower, comment me with your link and i'll check you out.

OMG I HAVE INTERNET AT HOME NOW!!!

The title kinda says it all. :) So i'll be updating on a more daily basis and trying to get back in touch with all of you and caught up on all of your blogs. I'm so very excited! I  don't have very much time to myself in a day with my daughter taking up all of my time in her adorable-ness, but with the time i do have, i will get caught up and back in touch and update way more often. You all know i've missed you horribly.
To update on Ana, she is slowly creeping back into my life. I should have known better than to think i could be completely rid of her... I'm welcoming her back, and pushing her away in equal amounts. It's al so confusing. I love her, but i hate her. I want her, but i don't want her. But i'msure you all know how that goes.
To update on my lovely little Fatie-baby, she is doing wonderful and growing up so fast. She's going to be a year old on the 26th, for goodness sake! She's walking by herself now, and repeating what she hears so much (calm that potty-mouth, momma!). She gives hugs and says "i love you" now, and she gets more beautiful every single day. I'll have to post some recent pictures of her soon. I'll have to post some recent pictures of ME soon. It's been so long since you all have seen me or heard anything at all from me. Oh i missed you! But i'm really back now. I promise. Love to all of you!

Baby Pictures!

Here's a picture of Fatie-lady when she first sat without support a few months ago. This is the most recent picture of her i had on my computer.

And here she is pretending to play her daddy's video game. :) She so ridiculous cute!

Sleepings!

With Jesse right after she was born.

I still update every once in a great while

I doubt any of you even still read my posts. It's been so very long since i posted anything. I miss it so very much, but i just don't have any internet access ever. And we're always too damn broke to get internet connection at our home. Jesse's been through about 4 jobs since i last posted and is currently looking for another one since he doesn't have one right now. I'm about sick of it. He swears it's not his fault every time, but i don't know. Don't get me wrong: i love him very much, and i want to believe everything he says, but... sometime's it's a bit difficult.
Fate is doing very well, and growing so fast. She's partially mobile now (rolling pin style). She's a complete mama baby and won't have anyone who isn't mommy or daddy, but most of the time she won't even have daddy. It makes me feel special. :) She's starting to say a few words already too! I didn't know they could start talking at 8 months! Seems way too early, but she's a smarty i guess. She calls me "mum mum" and Jesse "dad". I love it. She tries to immitate so many of the sounds we make now too, so i guess i should start taming my tongue a bit, huh?
Ana was threatening to come back to me a while ago. In fact, at one point she was even telling me to cut if i didn't stick to her ridiculous diet plan, but then something amazing happened. Maybe it's a bit unconventional, but i never claimed to be a conservative. I got a job as a dancer in a club because the hours fit my schedule very nicely since Fate would be sleeping almost the whole time i'd be working, and the pay for so few hours is also quite nice. It pays the bills with me working only two nights a week, so i really can't complain at all. That job makes me feel so wonderful about myself. I feel beautiful for the first time in my life! My sister-in-law looked at me as if i'd lost my mind when i said i wanted a BIGGER butt. I've never wanted anything bigger in all of my life! I almost feel like i'm doing something wrong because i don't want to shrink anymore, but it feels wonderful at the same time. I don't exactly suggest it for those of you trying to get rid of Ana, but it's worked wonders for me. For the first time ever i'm satisfied and happy with my body. I never thought that would happen to me. I really hope it lasts. It has lasted for almost 3 weeks now, so let's see if it keeps up!
I hope you all are doing well. I love you so very much, and you are always in my thoughts.

Ramblings--oh i missed you all soooo much!

Wow... I haven't been able to get internet access for forever. I missed you all so much. So much is going on i don't even know where to begin telling you. Well, i guess i could start off with my little angel, who is pretty much my entire life now.
Fate is growing like crazy! She's now almost 4 months old! Holding her head up perfectly fine, sitting up with assistance, standing up with assistance, smiling, giggling, and making my life awesome, even when she's fussy. :) This little girl has made me sane, which i thought was an impossible feat.
Jesse and i are going through a bit of a financial dry spell. Some jerk he was working with told him "i hope your fucking wife dies in a car accident." We all know how protective Jesse is of me, so he flipped out. He didn't do anything to the guy on company property--technically he didn't even do anything to him anywhere. He told the dude to get out of his car so he could pound his face in right outside the company gates, but he didn't have the nerve, so all that happened was that Jesse yelled at him and kicked his car door--not hard enough to dent it or anything. But dude knew the boss outside of work, so the boss felt like being a complete douche and firing Jesse over it all.... Yeah, fabulous, right? He had another job for a month after that that didn't pay very well, but helped us scrape by, but the bosses just didn't like him there and came up with some random bullshit reason to fire him. So, once again, he's jobless. He's looking everywhere, but not really finding anything. We're hanging on by the grace of God... but yeah...
But i'm not in a bad mood about it. I actually believe him when he says we're going to make it through this.
Oh dear, i'm rambling... but i have so much to tell you all!!!
I think i've partially kicked Ana out of my life too! I'm currently breastfeeding her, so i'm eating whatever and still losing weight, which is pretty awesome. The crazy thing is, i can honestly say that i don't want to look like a skeleton anymore. I mean, no way am i going to just let myself go: i still want to look good and be thin, but not sickly thin. I never thought i'd be able to say that!
I'll stop the rambling now, but here's the link to my facebook. I can get on that on my phone, but the phone won't let me get on the blog because it's a cheapy. Hit me up on there--there's lots of pictures of Fate on facebook too! I miss you, and love you all bunches. I want to be able to keep in touch so bad. Just send me a friend request with a note saying you follow my blog, and i'll add you. I just ask that the facebook account be kept Ana-free. You can message me with Ana conversations, but please don't post such things on the wall. Love you bunches!

Baby!

Fate Alice Jefferis was born Monday, September 26, at 3:38 am, weighing in at 6 lb. 8 oz. and measuring 18 inches long. In doing so, she completely stole mommy and daddy's hearts. Perhaps i have a biased opinnion, but i think she is the most beautiful baby in the entire world. :) Honestly, worth all the physical and emotional discomfort i've gone through. But, of course, i'm running on very little sleep at this point, so this post is going to be rather short because my brain is just too tired to form many words into sentences. I'll update you all more later on... if i ever get bloody internet connection again! ugh. Love you all bunches. And here's a pic to hold you over until i come back...probably with many more pictures.

Finally!

Sorry it took so long to update you all. Right after i posted my last update, Jesse and i decided to just say fuck it and move into the appartment without waiting for the mold to be taken care of. Fortunately, the landlord actually kept his word and "took care" of the mold on tuesday, so it was taken care of when we did move in. However, i'm not sure how taken care of the mold truly is, considering that all he did to take care of the mold was scrape the ceiling and paint over it. We've decided to just keep the room closed off for a good while and see if the mold grows back and go from there. The baby can just sleep in a bassinet in our bedroom for a while rather than have her own room. Who knows, it might even be a better idea to keep her close for the first several months just to make it easier on us. But we are fully moved in! And i'm sleeping on a bed! And i have privacy! It's amazing.
The only bad thing is i have no internet access there yet. We will get it hooked up sometime soon. Just a bit tight on money and trying to buy a bunch of stuff we still need for the place. But that's why it took me so long to update you all on everything with that.
Oh, and more good news, my baby is completely fine. The "too big" kidneys were simply a mess up on the part of the person doing the ultrasound last time. They measured perfectly normal with this past ultrasound. So thankfully there's nothing at all to worry about there.
Everything is going very very well. And i only have one more month to go until my baby comes. Can't wait! The end of pregnancy is indeed very miserably uncomfortable. I'm always too bloody miserable to even think about how much i hate my body at the moment. Ha. Lovely, isn't it? Oh well. At least everything else is going well. :) Hope you all are doing well also.

Update

So... I've got some bad news and some bad news. Where should i begin? With the bad news, i suppose...
I'll start with the simple bad news: i'm still not moved into the damn appartment. Jesse says we'll be moved in this week, but hello, it's thursday already! I did completely clean the kitchen cabinets and cupboards a few days ago, and i started putting away some dishes and other kitchen-ware, and the carpet is almost completely laid, and the electric is even turned on, but the mold is not taken care of yet--slow landlord anyway! Supposedly, he took care of it on tuesday, but i haven't been down there to see if that's true or not...so i'm just going to assume it's not since last time he told us a specific day he'd look at it, i swear all he did was just that: use his eyes and take a glance at it. Also, the landlady said she's going to scrub the walls in that room and paint it for us as soon as her hubby finishes up getting rid of the mold. Being pregnant, i can't be around paint fumes, so if she truly is painting today, as i was told she was planning to do (notice how little i believe it's actually happening...), that puts our move-in on hold for at least a couple days. Blah. This is the stupidest move-in i have ever heard of!
Now the not so simple bad news: i went for an ultrasound a couple weeks ago to doublecheck my amniotic fluid levels because the measurement for that came back a bit high on the previous ultrasound. The results of this last ultrasound had the amnitic fluid level measurement coming back normal, but the baby's kidneys were measuring too big! The doctor said that that could just simply be the person doing the ultrasound making a mistake, but he also said that if the kidneys really are too big, there's some sort of blockage keeping my baby from urinating properly. So, not this monday, but next monday i'm going for another ultrasound to doublecheck the baby's kidney measurement. I'm worried...even though the doctor told me not to worry. I mean, yeah, it really could have been the ultrasound technician's screw up, but it could also be a problem with my child's health. Of course, i'm gonna worry! I really hope it was just a mistake. The amniotic fluid measurement was a mistake, and the same person that screwed up that measurement did this last ultrasound, so hopefully it's just that she doesn't really know what she's doing... Fingers crossed and prayers going up like crazy.

Still Not Moved In

That's right. I'm still waiting to get moved in. We've got half the carpet laid, but we have to wait until this weekend to lay the rest (and not even completely all of it. The cieling in the baby's room needs fixed before we lay the carpet in there.). I'm so tired of paying rent on a place that i'm not living in! I was so happy because i had an appartment of my own before, but now, that same fact is making me depressed. We're still flat broke, too. Spending all that money on stupid carpet and other essentials for the appartment is killing us. We don't even have money to get food, which at any other time would be the best thing ever, but it doesn't exactly work that way when you're 32 weeks pregnant. So all i've been eating for the past 3 weeks is really nasty, cheap, kill-you, processed foods...and i can see that it's making me gain. Yes, yes, i know i'm supposed to gain because i'm pregnant, but this isn't just baby weight. This gain is making my face chubby and my thighs even bigger than they were before. I'm hating my life at the moment...
Sorry this post is such a downer... I'm sure i'll be posting a much happier post if i ever do actually get moved in. I'm hoping to be moved in this weekend, but i'm not counting on it.