Gala Apple

"That's the tiniest apple i've ever seen," i complained.
"But it's all you need, and it's all you're going to eat," Ana replied with a devilish grin.
"Ana, come on, i can't work out on just an apple."
"Oh yes you can, my skinny little friend. You're strong enough. Besides, you had right around 1000 Calories yesterday; you can feed off those."
I wasn't sure if her words were encouraging or discouraging, but i'd take them nonetheless, for they had come from her mouth. "One apple, all day, again, i promise," i said softly.
"Very good, love." She kissed my cheek and plopped the apple into my outstretched hand. "Chow down; we've got a work-out to do today."

Ups and Downs--Downs Mostly

I'm so goddamned stressed about everything. There's so much shit i have to get done and get bought before christmas. I hate christmas. I hate christmas parties full calories and old people. That's where i have to go today; no choice. No cell phone service there either, so i can't entertain myself that way. Oh and the main course? Only about 3 different types of pasta. Yeah. That won't make you fat or anything. Fuck it; i'm not eating. I don't care what anyone says. I can't eat it. They can't send me to a clinic either because i'm 18, so there! I'm tired of trying to please everyone else; trying to make everyone else like me. From now on, i'm being a bitch--except to you all of course because i love you! I'm going to do what i want because i want it, not because someone else wants me to.
Oh and last night, i got a fucking speeding ticket because i was trying to be home to my over-possessive parents on time. Now i have to pay 109 dollar fine. I don't have 109 dollars... I don't even have fucking 50 dollars. God fucking dammit!
My parents and i can't seem to get along anymore; everything used to be fine, but now... I don't even know what happened. It's just we're always fighting. Maybe its because we're all stressed about the damn holidays. I don't know, but i hate it. All we do is yell.
...Sorry about the rant and the horrid language, everyone... I'm just so pissed/depressed/stressed. Ugh!
On the positive side, all i had all day yesterday was one little apple and a couple sips of Shaun's cappucino, so i am pleased about that.... There was something else good that i wanted to tell you, but i forget. Dammit...
I hate how that works. I can always see the negative side of everything, but not the positive...

Oh, also, check out Jillian Rose! Her blog, Picture Perfect, is amazing. This girl sees beauty in everything, and has made me a whole lot happier than i was before i read it. Read, follow, love her!

Bad Romance--Lady Gaga Thinspo

Have you all seen Lady Gaga's Bad Romance video? For some reason, it's really thinspirational to me. You should definately watch it if you haven't. The words, too, seem to relate to Ana. Does anyone else see that?



Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance

I want your ugly
I want your disease
I want your everything
As long as it's free
I want your love
(Love-love-love I want your love)

I want your drama
The touch of your hand
I want your leather-studded kiss in the sand
I want your love
Love-love-love
I want your love
(Love-love-love I want your love)

You know that I want you
And you know that I need you
I want it bad, your bad romance

I want your love and
I want your revenge
You and me could write a bad romance
(Oh-oh-oh--oh-oooh! )
I want your love and
All your lovers' revenge
You and me could write a bad romance...

I want your horror
I want your design
'Cause you're a criminal
As long as your mine
I want your love
(Love-love-love I want your love-uuhh)

I want your psycho
Your vertigo shtick
Want you in my rear window
Baby you're sick
I want your love
Love-love-love
I want your love
(Love-love-love I want your love)

You know that I want you
('Cause I'm a freak bitch baby! )
And you know that I need you
I want a bad, bad romance...

I want your love and
I want your revenge
I want your love
I don't wanna be friends

Je veux ton amour
Et je veux ton revanche
Je veux ton amour
I don't wanna be friends
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
I don't wanna be friends
(Caught in a bad romance)
I don't wanna be friends
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Want your bad romance
(Caught in a bad romance)
Want your bad romance!

I want your love and
I want your revenge
You and me could write a bad romance
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
I want your love and
All your lovers' revenge
You and me could write a bad romance

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh!
Want your bad romance
(Caught in a bad romance)
Want your bad romance

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh!
Want your bad romance
(Caught in a bad romance)

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance


Anyways...Here's a little bit of a thinspo. Thanks for reading everyone. I love you all!

I Love You, Ana

"500 Calories today; not more!"
I nodded and sighed. "I'm sorry about yesterday."
Ana shrugged. "It's not as if i didn't expect you to fail; you always do."
I bit my lip to keep it from trembling under her criticism. Too bad it was the truth. "I know... but i did work out," i said, trying to justify myself even just a little bit.
"Yeah, but i really doubt that could counter your disgusting binge."
I sighed. "Me too," i admitted. "But i'm going to do both today. I'm going to exercise and restrict; i promise."
She smiled lovingly. "You never give up, do you, Jo?"
I shook my head. "I can't give up."
"Maybe that's why i love you so much."
I returned her smile. "I love you too, Ana."
Her smile broadened for a split second and then she pulled her stern, drill-instructor mask over it. "Now, to the treadmill!" she said in her familiar harsh tone.
"Ma'am, yes ma'am," i replied, fighting to hide my own smile.
She gave me a quick wink and set the speed on the treadmill.

Angry People; Happy Ana

"I'm going into town in an hour and a half, and i want you to come with me to help me with our vending machines," my mom stated as soon as i stumbled sleepily from my bedroom. (Yes, my family owns vending machines; we contribute to the obesity of America and even make money from it. Disgusting, i know.)
"Can't you go later? I need to work out this morning, and that's not enough time to get ready."
And just like that she was mad. "No, i can't go later. I've gotta get home before noon. Why can't you work out tomorrow? You haven't worked out in forever."
I cringed from her painful reminder that i was indeed a lazy, fat fuck who hadn't worked out in over a month. "Because i have to start today. I've been telling myself i'll start tomorrow for way too long."
"I can't do it by myself. I'll have to call your father, and he won't be happy."
Her threat didn't daunt me. I had Ana on my side. "Don't you dare give in; you need this," she whispered in my ear."
"I'm sorry, but i can't. I have to work out, and i can't do that and go to town and then go to work. There's only one of me, and there's only so many hours in the day," i told my mother.
She sighed that angry sigh and grabbed the phone. "Fine," she said harshly. "Whatever."
I'd just made both my parents mad at me, but Ana was pleased. She kissed my cheek. "You've got to do what you've got to do," she said. "Sometimes you've got to make other people angry so you can have what you want."

I refuse....

To post my results pictures. I've had four days of binges, and yesterday's fast didn't last beyond 13 hours. I've eaten breakfast already today. I just don't know what to do. It's like my resolve is gone... I'm going to get it back. I'm going to be thin!
Lets see... I've had 300 Cals at breakfast (entirely too much, i know). Maybe today i'll make it a 1,000 Cal (again, entirely too much, i know), and then restart ABC tomorrow. Sound good? Kind of, sort of... NOT AT ALL! I should be on day 8 of ABC, not planning to start day 1. Ugh. I hate my fat disgusting self. Please, someone send me a hacksaw so i can get all this fucking fat off of me. :'(
Crap, i think i'm depressed again. I was so happy when i was doing well on ABC; i don't know why i couldn't continue being happy and continue doing well with it. Kill me now...

Determination

Five minutes ago i was listening to REO Speedwagon and eating Ramen noodles. I DON"T LIKE EITHER! What the hell is wrong with me?!
That does it, starting right this very second, i'm fasting for as long as i possibly can. I'm gonna aim for 48 hours. Once that's over, i'm going to start exercising again, at least 30 minutes every single day, (Any workouts to recommend?) and i'm going to restart ABC again. I'm going to get through that damn thing, i swear it.

Day 1: 500 calories (or less)
2: 500 calories (or less)
3: 300 calories
4: 400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: Fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: Fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: Fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800 calories
32: Fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: Fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: Fast

That's not so bad, right? Besides, i'm sure to finally start feeling hungry again if i stick to it. I want so badly to be hungry, but not eat! I want it; i need it... I will have it.

Ugh. I've got so much catching up to do on reading all your blogs. I'm sorry i've been slacking there, but i promise i'll read up on them as soon as i get a chance and my ADD stops annoying me so badly. Love you all!

Perseverance

I try, and i fail; i try, and i fail. But the only true failure is to stop trying, so i'm pressing on.

Hunger, or the Absence Thereof

"I don't know what happened, Ana. I'm so sorry." I'd binged. ABC day 4, 400 Calories, had turned into binge day 1, 990 Calories. "I was doing so good, wasn't even hungry, and then i just fell."
She sighed. "I noticed."
"I had a perfect 400 day planned out, even a little bit under, and then i tried to test myself with making cookies, and it all went down hill..."
She patted my shoulder. "At least you only ate two this time. usually you eat anywhere from 5 to 8." She was trying to be kind, knowing how upset i was about the whole thing, but disappointment still lingered in her voice. "Just start over tomorrow."
I shook my head. "No, i've done 500, 500, 300 so many times i just want to throw up. I'll restart day 4, but i will not restart the entire ABC again. I can't do it," and i began to cry. "My stomach fucking kills. I wasn't even hungry when i binged." I hadn't been hungry in what seemed like forever. Maybe that was my problem; the hunger was my fuel. It was what got me through the day, what spurred me to push on, and i'd lost it somehow. What would i do now?

Tears and Fat

"How? How can i still be fat?!" I sobbed into Ana's arms. "I haven't eaten hardly anything for two whole days, and i'm so hungry."
"Hush. You've eaten more than you think, now stop your whining. You'll be all right."
I shook my head violently. "No, i won't. I'm fat!"
Ana stroked my hair, trying to calm me. "You're on your way to thin," she said gently.
"I want it now; i'm tired of waiting."
"You can't always have everything you want exactly when you want it. It'll be worth it when you get there, i promise."

Keeping Motivation

All night Shaun showered me with compliments. All night Ana refuted them.
"You're beautiful," he'd say.
"You'll not be even close to beautiful until you lose 20 pounds," she'd whisper.
"You're tiny."
"Is he blind?! You're a cow!"
He refuted my complaints of being fat with, "No, you're not fat at all!"
"Ok, fine," i consented. "I'm not fat, but i could afford to lose at least 10 pounds."
"30," Ana hissed.
"There'd be nothing left," he said, putting his hand on my stomach.
"Oh yes there would! There'd be far too much left," Ana said.
I was glad that i was the only one that could hear her. He'd probably get upset and yell at her or smack her right out of my life. She was only trying to help, and i certainly wanted to keep her in my life.
I opened my mouth to argue with his assessment of my weight, but he put his hand over my mouth. "Shut up," he said in a teasing voice.
I giggled girlishly. "Make me," i challenged.
"Fine, i will." And he smothered me with a kiss that lasted for what seemed like forever.
I came away smiling. "Ok. That worked."
He pulled me over onto his lap.
"Fatty, you'll break his legs," Ana taunted. Why did she always try to ruin everything?
I pushed her away. "Shut up, Ana. I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm not eating, and i'm sticking to the ABC, so why the hell do you have to bother me?"
"To keep you motivation up," was her answer.

Results day

Every Wednesday, you all probably run away from your computer screaming, "don't blind me, Ana's girl! Don't blind me!" ...Sorry... Here's today's awful picture, though i think it might be a bit better than last week's. What do you all think?
The fast went well (i lasted 41 hours!), but afterward i had a 1000 Cal binge--still less than the "normal person" my age needs to eat, but entirely too much! Today i'm restarting ABC, and i WILL NOT fail. Wish me luck; join me if you like; comments make me smile.