Pro Ana: My Struggles with and Acceptance of Ana

Ramblings--oh i missed you all soooo much!

2012-01-21T15:02:00.000-08:00

Wow... I haven't been able to get internet access for forever. I missed you all so much. So much is going on i don't even know where to begin telling you. Well, i guess i could start off with my little angel, who is pretty much my entire life now.
Fate is growing like crazy! She's now almost 4 months old! Holding her head up perfectly fine, sitting up with assistance, standing up with assistance, smiling, giggling, and making my life awesome, even when she's fussy. :) This little girl has made me sane, which i thought was an impossible feat.
Jesse and i are going through a bit of a financial dry spell. Some jerk he was working with told him "i hope your fucking wife dies in a car accident." We all know how protective Jesse is of me, so he flipped out. He didn't do anything to the guy on company property--technically he didn't even do anything to him anywhere. He told the dude to get out of his car so he could pound his face in right outside the company gates, but he didn't have the nerve, so all that happened was that Jesse yelled at him and kicked his car door--not hard enough to dent it or anything. But dude knew the boss outside of work, so the boss felt like being a complete douche and firing Jesse over it all.... Yeah, fabulous, right? He had another job for a month after that that didn't pay very well, but helped us scrape by, but the bosses just didn't like him there and came up with some random bullshit reason to fire him. So, once again, he's jobless. He's looking everywhere, but not really finding anything. We're hanging on by the grace of God... but yeah...
But i'm not in a bad mood about it. I actually believe him when he says we're going to make it through this.
Oh dear, i'm rambling... but i have so much to tell you all!!!
I think i've partially kicked Ana out of my life too! I'm currently breastfeeding her, so i'm eating whatever and still losing weight, which is pretty awesome. The crazy thing is, i can honestly say that i don't want to look like a skeleton anymore. I mean, no way am i going to just let myself go: i still want to look good and be thin, but not sickly thin. I never thought i'd be able to say that!
I'll stop the rambling now, but here's the link to my facebook. I can get on that on my phone, but the phone won't let me get on the blog because it's a cheapy. Hit me up on there--there's lots of pictures of Fate on facebook too! I miss you, and love you all bunches. I want to be able to keep in touch so bad. Just send me a friend request with a note saying you follow my blog, and i'll add you. I just ask that the facebook account be kept Ana-free. You can message me with Ana conversations, but please don't post such things on the wall. Love you bunches!

Baby!

2011-09-28T04:42:00.000-07:00

Fate Alice Jefferis was born Monday, September 26, at 3:38 am, weighing in at 6 lb. 8 oz. and measuring 18 inches long. In doing so, she completely stole mommy and daddy's hearts. Perhaps i have a biased opinnion, but i think she is the most beautiful baby in the entire world. :) Honestly, worth all the physical and emotional discomfort i've gone through. But, of course, i'm running on very little sleep at this point, so this post is going to be rather short because my brain is just too tired to form many words into sentences. I'll update you all more later on... if i ever get bloody internet connection again! ugh. Love you all bunches. And here's a pic to hold you over until i come back...probably with many more pictures.

Finally!

2011-09-03T18:16:00.000-07:00

Sorry it took so long to update you all. Right after i posted my last update, Jesse and i decided to just say fuck it and move into the appartment without waiting for the mold to be taken care of. Fortunately, the landlord actually kept his word and "took care" of the mold on tuesday, so it was taken care of when we did move in. However, i'm not sure how taken care of the mold truly is, considering that all he did to take care of the mold was scrape the ceiling and paint over it. We've decided to just keep the room closed off for a good while and see if the mold grows back and go from there. The baby can just sleep in a bassinet in our bedroom for a while rather than have her own room. Who knows, it might even be a better idea to keep her close for the first several months just to make it easier on us. But we are fully moved in! And i'm sleeping on a bed! And i have privacy! It's amazing.
The only bad thing is i have no internet access there yet. We will get it hooked up sometime soon. Just a bit tight on money and trying to buy a bunch of stuff we still need for the place. But that's why it took me so long to update you all on everything with that.
Oh, and more good news, my baby is completely fine. The "too big" kidneys were simply a mess up on the part of the person doing the ultrasound last time. They measured perfectly normal with this past ultrasound. So thankfully there's nothing at all to worry about there.
Everything is going very very well. And i only have one more month to go until my baby comes. Can't wait! The end of pregnancy is indeed very miserably uncomfortable. I'm always too bloody miserable to even think about how much i hate my body at the moment. Ha. Lovely, isn't it? Oh well. At least everything else is going well. :) Hope you all are doing well also.

Update

2011-08-11T11:02:00.000-07:00

So... I've got some bad news and some bad news. Where should i begin? With the bad news, i suppose...
I'll start with the simple bad news: i'm still not moved into the damn appartment. Jesse says we'll be moved in this week, but hello, it's thursday already! I did completely clean the kitchen cabinets and cupboards a few days ago, and i started putting away some dishes and other kitchen-ware, and the carpet is almost completely laid, and the electric is even turned on, but the mold is not taken care of yet--slow landlord anyway! Supposedly, he took care of it on tuesday, but i haven't been down there to see if that's true or not...so i'm just going to assume it's not since last time he told us a specific day he'd look at it, i swear all he did was just that: use his eyes and take a glance at it. Also, the landlady said she's going to scrub the walls in that room and paint it for us as soon as her hubby finishes up getting rid of the mold. Being pregnant, i can't be around paint fumes, so if she truly is painting today, as i was told she was planning to do (notice how little i believe it's actually happening...), that puts our move-in on hold for at least a couple days. Blah. This is the stupidest move-in i have ever heard of!
Now the not so simple bad news: i went for an ultrasound a couple weeks ago to doublecheck my amniotic fluid levels because the measurement for that came back a bit high on the previous ultrasound. The results of this last ultrasound had the amnitic fluid level measurement coming back normal, but the baby's kidneys were measuring too big! The doctor said that that could just simply be the person doing the ultrasound making a mistake, but he also said that if the kidneys really are too big, there's some sort of blockage keeping my baby from urinating properly. So, not this monday, but next monday i'm going for another ultrasound to doublecheck the baby's kidney measurement. I'm worried...even though the doctor told me not to worry. I mean, yeah, it really could have been the ultrasound technician's screw up, but it could also be a problem with my child's health. Of course, i'm gonna worry! I really hope it was just a mistake. The amniotic fluid measurement was a mistake, and the same person that screwed up that measurement did this last ultrasound, so hopefully it's just that she doesn't really know what she's doing... Fingers crossed and prayers going up like crazy.

Still Not Moved In

2011-08-04T10:08:00.000-07:00

That's right. I'm still waiting to get moved in. We've got half the carpet laid, but we have to wait until this weekend to lay the rest (and not even completely all of it. The cieling in the baby's room needs fixed before we lay the carpet in there.). I'm so tired of paying rent on a place that i'm not living in! I was so happy because i had an appartment of my own before, but now, that same fact is making me depressed. We're still flat broke, too. Spending all that money on stupid carpet and other essentials for the appartment is killing us. We don't even have money to get food, which at any other time would be the best thing ever, but it doesn't exactly work that way when you're 32 weeks pregnant. So all i've been eating for the past 3 weeks is really nasty, cheap, kill-you, processed foods...and i can see that it's making me gain. Yes, yes, i know i'm supposed to gain because i'm pregnant, but this isn't just baby weight. This gain is making my face chubby and my thighs even bigger than they were before. I'm hating my life at the moment...
Sorry this post is such a downer... I'm sure i'll be posting a much happier post if i ever do actually get moved in. I'm hoping to be moved in this weekend, but i'm not counting on it.

Ugh!

2011-07-27T10:41:00.000-07:00

I feel like total shit on so many different levels right now.
I've caught a cold, complete with aches, stuffy nose, and sore throat. The stuffy nose is what's really killing me right now. It's hard enough to breathe when you've got a baby squishing you're lungs, but top that off with stuffy nose and it's absolutely miserable. I get out of breath from just standing up! And of course, all i want to do is sleep all day because i'm so bloody sick, therefore, i feel even more useless than i did before. Cold medicines that are safe to take during pregnancy? Of course not! Why on earth would they ever make those. Gah!
I'm also stressing out to the tenth power sqared about getting this appartment set up. I realized that the carpet does not need scrubbed--but replaced! It's going to be impossible to scrub because it's peeling up and has a bunch of wrinkles in it, not to mention my friend said that her carpet scrubber probably wouldn't even get it clean without those wrinkles because of how dirty it looks. Fuuuuck!!! Carpet is expensive (I priced it this past monday and the cheapest i found was $65.99 for a 9 ft. by 12 ft. roll. We're probably going to need at least 3 of those rolls.).... Maybe Jesse and i should have fully thought this through and looked much closer at the carpet before we signed the lease... Stupid us! Oh, and the electric is still not turned on. I called the electric company and asked about all the fees, and discovered it's probably going to cost us around $300 to get it turned on. Plus, we both have to go in and fill out paperwork and have a credit check and a bunch of other bullshit. The difficult part about that is their office is only open from 7:30 am to 4:00 pm on Monday through Friday. Jesse is never not at work during those times, and his boss is a dick if he tries to call off, so we're still trying to figure out how we're both going to get in there, and how we're going to afford that ridiculous $300 fee. Why does it have to cost so friggin' much to live?! And that's just the stuff that absolutely needs done before we move in. There's a ton of stuff that will need done eventually after we move in. (The walls most definitely need painted. They're a horrid blotchy beige. The light fixture in the living room is a hiddeous, dark-colored, egg-shaped thing that most definitely needs replaced because it's probably not going to give off much light at all. Oh dear, i don't even want to think about what all esle we'll need to do!)
Stress stress stress stress stress! "Don't stress while you're pregnant; it's not good for the baby," everyone says. Anytime someone says this, i just want to smack them and say, "You live my life for a couple weeks and see if you don't fucking stress!" UGH! HELP! Freakout, meltdown... and now i'm making no sense... so i'll shut up...

Picture grimmace

2011-07-22T08:45:00.000-07:00

I finally figured out a way to post a picture that you can see my baby belly in. It took me a while to figure that out, actually, because there's no mirrors that show more than just my face at the place where we're living, and i always forgot to ask Jesse to take a picture for me. Then i saw that my friend Emily tagged me in one of her wedding pictures on facebook. Perfect! ...Ok, not so perfect, i look horrible, and my hair is fucked up in it, but whatever, it's the only picture i currently have that shows my baby bump. It's about a month old, i think, so my belly is definitely bigger now, but you can get the general idea. :/ Jesse and i are obviously the couple on the left. (And yes, i dyed my hair while preggo.) But yeah, there be it. Remember i love you before you comment! Lol.

Awesome News

2011-07-21T11:06:00.000-07:00

We got the appartment! Two bedrooms, a nice sized living room, a fair sized kitchen, and a smallish bathroom. It even has a hookup for a washer and dryer--a friggin' miracle if you ask me because i hate laundromats. It's actually quite big, and really nice for as cheap as it is, and on top of that, it doesn't even need much fixing up. All that really needs done is the carpets need a good scrub, the tile floors need swept, and the one bedroom needs the ceiling redone (which the landlord said she'd get done as soon as she can, and somehow i trust her to make that happen fast.). She also told us that she has no problem with us wanting to paint walls or exchange carpet or decorate how we please as long as we consult with her first, just to make sure it's not some sort of crazy color or look that no one else would be likely to like. So really all that's left to do is clean like a fiend and get our stuff moved in and set up... oh, and get the electric turned on...which is actually gonna take a little bit since we're broke as fuck from the security deposit and first month's rent. We've just gotta wait until Jesse gets his next check, and then we'll use that to turn the electric on and start moving in. He gets his check this Saturday (or Monday if the mailman feels like being a cock like he did last week...) so that's not so far away. Even if it was a ways away, i don't think anything could bring me down right now. I'm on cloud nine! I HAVE A HOME!!!

Well, hello...

2011-07-20T12:36:00.000-07:00

I take forever to update, don't i? Grrr! Lazy butt!
Anyway, i took all of your advice about the sex thing, and talked to Jesse in detail about it. He pitched a fit just as i suspected he would from hearing me say how ugly i felt, but i think it made him understand why i am the way i am about anything sexual now. It all happened last night. He kept touching me and i kept pushing him away. Eventually, he got that sad, puppy face and asked me why i was doing that. So i swallowed my fear that he'd be angry with me for feeling the way i do about my pregnant body and told him. He told me a billion times that i'm not fat, and i'm not ugly, and of course i argued to the opposite end of it all, but in the end it all turned out quite well. We made love, and the entire time all he did was tell me i was beautiful, and that he loves me. AND might i add, he asked me why i never take my shirt off! I guess he really was just clueless to how i felt. So that's actually quite a relief.
Oh, the trailer thing didn't work out at all. We didn't even get to look at it because the people who called about it before us took it before we even got the chance. Let's just hope that that's for the best. Tonight we are most definitely looking at a place though, and there's no one in line in front of us for it. The lady told me over the phone last night that if we want it, we can sign the lease tonight and it will be ours! She seems really sweet too. When i told her i'm pregnant, she seemed excited and was like, "Well, the one bedroom will be perfect for a nursery!" That instantly made me like her. It seems that she's really taking an interest in us as people, not as income. As long as the place looks liveable, i'm snagging it! Can't be too picky or i'll never have a place. Plus, it's not like we can't make improvements if they are needed. Oh, i really really hope this works out as beautifully as it's seeming to. I'm so ready to have my own place.
I'm doing alright as far as depression over the weight gain goes... for now. Let's hope that keeps up.. I just keep telling myself that it will definitely be worth it in the end when i see my baby. I also found a pregnancy weight gain calculator online, and it told me that i'm barely gaining enough weight. I'm in the lowest of the low weight gain range, so that's helpful to me. I know i'm gaining enough, but not too much. :)
I'll try to keep you all more updated. Maybe i'll even get my lazy ass moving tomorrow and walk down here to the library and tell you how looking at the appartment went! They did finally get their air conditioning fixed, so it seems much more desirable than sitting in the house with absolutely no AC.
Love to you all!

More Randomness

2011-07-15T11:13:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, hasn't it? My vow to myself to keep caught up on blogging and try to get some exercise by walking to the library every single day has been horribly dishonored... mainly because i'm just so friggin' lazy. The weather has been pretty indecisive for the past week as well though, and i didn't want to walk in the rain or in the 100 degree heat, but when the weather was fine, my body was far from it. My feet and ankles have been swelling up again for no apparent reason seeing as i'm really not on them all that much, and i'm not eating a lot of salty foods or anything else that should make it that way... Perhaps i should have told the doctor about it. Is it important somehow? Also, i think the fact that my lung was collapsed a little over a year ago is a very bad thing for me now that i've got the baby pushing on my lungs all the time. It doesn't take much of anything for me to get out of breath. The other night, just lying in bed i felt as if i couldn't breathe and was pushing invisible hands away from my face. I guess i should probably tell the doctor about that too, huh? I've been having a lot of headaches as well, and have wanted to do nothing but sleep all day and go to bed early in the evening. Then last night--in the middle of making love (which is a bit awkward now... i'll update you more on that in a minute)--i got a nosebleed out of nowhere. What is going on with my stupid body? It needs to quit doing weird things to me like this!
Anyway, about the awkward love-making. It's kind of an issue for Jesse and i now. I mean, it's hard enough to do anything when you're living in someone else's living room, but there are times when we have the privacy to do things, so he wants to...and i really just don't. It's odd for me; i used to be a complete sex addict, but now, i don't even want to think about it. A few days ago, Jesse asked me, with a hurt look on his face "Do you not like making love to me anymore?"
I responded, "Of course i still do... We just live in a living room, and never know when someone will walk in."
"Do you find me unattractive now?" he asked.
"No! You're still gorgeous, hunny!"
"Then why do you always push me away when i touch you?"
The only thing i could think to say was an unsatisfying, "I don't know."
I feel really bad about that exchange... but i just don't know how to tell him that making love doesn't feel good when i can't hardly move because there's too much of me, and all i can think about is how disgusting i must look naked, and i know he has to agree with me on that because the last several times (warning: tmi about to come) we did anything, he made no attempt at taking my shirt off, which has never happened before. I also didn't take my shirt off, and he didn't complain about that like he used to... I don't know. Maybe i'm just being stupid and overthinking things... I'll stop telling you all about my sex life now.
On the posative side of things, we finally have the money saved up to begin looking for our own place, and we made several calls to places that were listed in the newspaper yesterday. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we can get the 3 bedroom trailer that only costs $450 a month, including everything except electric. The lady we talked to about it said that the outside isn't that great, but the inside is "in decent condition". I'm kind of worried to see how crappy it looks, but at the same time, if it's just in need of some minor fix-ups i'm more than willing to go with that, and take care of the fix-ups it needs. We're planning on going to look at it this weekend, and if we want it, i've got the cash for the security deposit and first month's rent to just hand to her then and there to hope that she'll give it to us right away with that sort of a bribe. I just like the idea that it doesn't cost very much, so we'll still be able to save up to actually buy rather than rent a place to live. Plus it's one of two places that actually allows pets, and i really don't want to give my kitty away.
More posative, i went to the doctor this past monday for a routine checkup, and apparently the baby is doing really well, so that's always good news. ...The negative side of that is when i got on the scale. I tried not to look at the number, but i had to know what it said, and the number i swore i would NEVER EVER see was there, plus 4 lbs. I now weigh 154 lbs. It's absolutely horrifying to me, regardless of the fact that i have a child inside me. I always swore i'd never see 150, no matter what... and now it's there. I'm so ready for this child to come out so i can lose and lose and lose! Actually, i think that right now, i'm going to start being more careful about what and how much i eat. I haven't been paying much attention to it, and i really think i need to. Don't worry, i'm not going to go into psycho restrict mode, i'm just going to try to eat only healthy things in smaller quantities than i have been. I just don't want to be fat after the baby does come... I really hope she doesn't learn eating habits from me. :/
Well, this has been an insanely long post... so i think i'll save some of the other stuff i have to tell you all for the next time i post, hopefully that will be sooner than later. I love you all very much, and really do appreciate your comments and patience with all my whining and crying about stupid stuff. I LOVE YOU!

Randomness

2011-07-07T10:19:00.000-07:00

I got all posative responses from you all on whether or not i should get the baby bump pictures taken, so i suppose that means i really should get them done. Let's just hope that whatever day i go in to have them taken isn't one of the days that i particularly feel like i'm hiddeous. I'm thinking of doing them sometime this next month. That way it's not too early, and not too late. (I seriously have this feeling that she's going to come premature. In all the dreams i have about my baby, i dream that she's premature, but with no complications at all. I take it as a sign.)
Speaking of dreams, i've been having the weirdest dreams ever! Some are just horribly violent and graphic. I dreamed about watching a bunch of pitbulls rip a man to shreds, and then the owner of the pitbulls disected and began to eat one of them. And every single bloody bit was so crystal clear... Then i dreamed about seeing an absolutely beautiful girl be completely dismembered and then beheaded, once again, perfectly bloody clear. Those kind are the ones that are the most upsetting, and i've had so many of them it's horrible. Then there's the ones that are blatantly sexual...in odd ways. I dreamed about trying to seduce my one ex that i never slept with, and i dreamed about having the time of my life with a girl whose name i didn't even know (though i never have done anything with another woman). I don't know if it's all fantasies about things that i wish i could have done in the past and never got to do or what. It's not like i'm not perfectly satisfied with Jesse and i's sex life. I honestly don't think i could do anything with anyone other than him anymore. But yeah, my dreams are really really strange here of late, and i have no idea why. Perhaps it's my out-of-whack hormones?
Those hormones are turning me into a royal bitch though! Between my hormones being all screwed up, being terribly hot all the time because there's no air conditioning where we live, stressing out about getting my own place to live, and just feeling awful because i can't move around very easily (seriously, it's difficult to stand up from sitting down!), i'm completely miserable all the time. And i guess i'm taking my own misery and trying to inflict it on others because i've noticed that i keep trying to pick fights over nothing. I don't know why! I've never done that before. I've always done the opposite, and not cared if i was miserable just as long as everyone i love was happy, but here of late, i don't even know what's up with me. I picked a fight with Jesse the other day because he was tired and fell asleep almost as soon as he got home from work, saying he didn't want to spend any time with me. Wtf? How on earth is that a reason to fight. And i keep doing things like that. Ugh! Someone fix me; i'm broken!

2011-07-05T11:07:00.001-07:00

Thanks so much for your encouraging comments on my last post. I was so down when i wrote it, and then your comments brought me up again. You're the best. :)
I spent the 4th of July (Independance Day Holiday in the US) with my parents and my mom's side of the the family... Had a bit of a hard time even getting myself to go though, just because i feel so ugly, and i don't want anyone who hasn't already seen me in the ugly prego form to see me that way.. No one said anything that intentionally hurt me... but i did have those common "my goodness you're getting a nice belly there!" "are you sure you're not having twins; you look pretty big for just one?" and "you were always so tiny, now look at you" comments that almost any pregnant woman should be expecting. I was expecting them...but they still cut into me just because i'm having such a hard time with the way i look.
I'm not so sure if i want to go through with getting pictures of Jesse and I done while i have this belly or not. I mean, yeah, it's a unique idea and all but idk.. i'm so fuckin' ugly! What do you all think? Should i or should i not? I want brutal honesty in those opinnions!
I really do plan on getting those ultrasound pics and my baby bump pics up soon. Just bear with me; i'm slow at these things.

I feel so needy...

2011-07-03T15:02:00.000-07:00

We've been at Jesse's friend's house since yesterday, which i really shouldn't mind. I've got wifi here, so i got caught up on all of your blogs, and i slept in a bed last night... but i'm not even half enjoying myself. Since we got here i felt like Jesse was just ignoring me, not on purpose, but because he was distracted by his friends' company (there's a bunch of other people just hanging out here too). I didn't let it get to me until about the middle of today. I just feel like any time i tried to talk to him he wasn't listening, because he only answered me half the time because his friends won't shut up long enough for me to get a word in. I feel invisible... to everyone.. And i feel like that stupid bitchy wife/girlfriend that must have her man's undivided attention all the time for feeling that way.
And there's lots of mirrors here that show me more of myself than just from the neck up. It's the first time since i've had the baby bump that i've actually seen what i look like, and i feel like i look absolutely horrible. I know i'm not fat; i know it's all baby, but I'm still huge, and it's so ugly..
On top of all of that, i've learned that apparently normal people do NOT eat three meals a day. I have not eaten anything since 7 this morning, and then i only had a really tiny breakfast. It's 6:15 in the evening now, and i have a migrane from hell (have had one since noon) because the baby is sucking any vitamins or nutrients i did have in me right out of me like a little parasite, but i don't want to just walk up to someone and be like "hey, i need food." because i'm weird about things like that. I still hate to admit that i need to eat, especially when no one else seems to need to eat. But i'm light-headed, and dizzy and feel like i'm going to be sick...because as much as i hate to say it, i DO need food. And that makes me feel like the most needy, disgusting person ever.
I'm just so miserable right now that all i want to do is hide away and cry... so i guess i should be thankful that i'm invisible to everyone... but i'm not. I feel the need to be seen at the same time as i feel the need to hide... and i don't know what the fuck i'm supposed to do about that.

The Clothes Make The Person... No, I Really Think They Do

2011-07-01T10:36:00.000-07:00

Omg can you believe it took me less than a week to actually make it back to the library and update?! How crazy is that? I really don't have much to update on, unfortunately... Same old boring life. I do feel a bit more comfortable in my skin today, but i think that's simply because i'm dressed in my own style instead of the style of all the hand-me-dowm maternity clothes i have to wear usually. I stole one of Jesses black band t-shirts that's kind of tight on him, so it fits me pretty well (tight-ish, but not too tight), and i did my make up the way i used to..back when i actually cared what i looked like. If you look at me from the chest up and not at the baby belly, i look very much like my old self, that weird girl that people looked at funny because of her alternative style. Kinda nice to have found something in that style that still fits me. Isn't it odd how just the style of my clothes can make me feel comfortable or uncomfortable? Does anyone else have that issue?
Unfortunately, once again, Jesse has the car which has my ultrasound picture CD in the glove compartment. :( But he does have off the next 3 days, so perhaps i'll make him drive me here to the library on one of those days and upload those pictures to show you all. I promise when i have pictures of her outside my belly, i won't take this long to upload pictures. ...I'm kind of thinking about showing you all what i look like with my baby bump too, since i've always showed you what i looked like before. But then again, i'm kinda scared to do that. It's really not the prettiest thing ever when all you want to see is skin and bones... What do you think? Should i or should i not?
Also, thanks very much to Mich for those websites with alternative style maternity clothes. I have yet to look at them, but i have a feeling that i'm going to want to buy up the entire pages... which is both a good thing and a bad thing, but i'll not complain at all. ;)
And Peri, you are just the bestest! :) I absolutely love all shades of purple, so that lavender will be fantastic. I cannot wait to see those booties!!! I'm sure they're going to be so lovely that i'll almost be afraid to wear them on her little feet... but i'll have to because i'll need to show them off! I'd love those cross stitch kits too if you're sure you don't mind giving them up. I promise to put them to use. Lol. Hmm South Africa... not quite. I live in the good old USA, but South Africa sound much more interesting. Let's just pretend i live there.
And everyone else who left me lovely comments, i don't know what i'd ever do without you. You're all amazing, and i love you bunches.
I'll leave you with this awesome quote that my one friend had on his facebook this morning, and it reminded me very much of myself, and of you all:
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." -Thomas A. Edison

Finally Back!

2011-06-27T10:15:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. Sorry i was gone for so long... i've just been so lazy lately, not wanting to walk down to the library in the heat and in clothes that don't fit me, but i finally got my ass moving, and i can now tell you all the things that i have to tell you! There's so much...
First off, i'll start with something really simple: i finally got some maternity clothes! Yay! They're all hand-me-downs from people i know, but hey, it's better than nothing. I really can't complain just because none of them are really my style considering they were all free.. Besides, finding maternity clothes in my style is impossible anyway. Do any of you happen to know any websites where i can find some alternative/punk/goth maternity clothes? I tried googling it and didn't find much. If you have better luck, let me know. I just want to buy one really cute maternity outfit because sometime soon Jesse and i are going to have our pictures done professionally while i have this baby bump. I think that should be kinda cute, and definitely unique... what do you all think?
Now, the exciting news. I found out what my baby is! AND it's a girl!!! Just like Jesse and i were both hoping. I would post the ultrasound pictures on here, but the CD that has them on it is still in the car, which of course Jesse has. But i'll try to get motivated and get down here again to post them soon. At least we're pretty sure it's a girl... she had her legs crossed being all modest. Haha. But from what we could tell, she's a she. I'm pretty excited to start buying some pink stuff now! :) We found that out exactly a week ago, and at that point the doctor told us she weighed just under 2 lbs. We got to see her little hands and feet and a 3D image of her face too. So exciting. I'm ready to see her for real now!
Oh, and by the middle of July, Jesse and i should either have our own place or have the money to get it anyway. His new job is really helping out quite a bit, and we're both selling whatever we can to try to scrape up the money. We found some places open now that we're hoping will still be open when we have the money for the security deposits... keep your fingers crossed for me!
Other than that, there's really not a whole lot going on. I spend most of my days just reading a book or working on my cross stitch--which is actually quite an addictive hobby for me. It's difficult for me to put that down once i pick it up. Good thing i've got two more to do once i finish this first one! I think i really do need to be a bit more active... It's just so difficult for me right now because i feel so enormous, and my bones are not used to supporting that extra weight, so something is always aching, especially my hip that was massively fucked up by the car accident. I mean, fortunately all the weight i have gained is in my belly and my boobies...and a teeny tiny bit on my butt, so it should all come off easily after the baby comes, but ugh i'm huge!! And being big like that makes me want to hide away and never go out, even if it is obviously pregnacy. I guess that doesn't make much sense, does it? But it's just how i feel.
Oh well, off to try to catch up on all of your lovely blogs now. Love to you all, and thank you for all the comments! They always make me smile. :) Only 3 more months until i can post pictures of my baby outside of my belly!!

Scenespo for Stealthy

2011-06-08T12:24:00.001-07:00

Brief Update

2011-06-07T11:03:00.000-07:00

In 13 days i will know if my baby is a boy or a girl. Can't wait! Then in the beginning of October, i'll find out what my baby looks like outside of my belly. That i really really can't wait for. But thinking of popping the baby out makes me wonder, how long will it take to lose whatever weight i've put on that isn't baby, placenta, and extra water? Will it be more than a month? Especially since i'm going to be breast feeding and can't hop right back on the Ana train instantly? I'm tired of being fat... I know it's because of the baby, and i'm not considering not eating or anything else that would be harmful to the baby, but i'm just so tired of not being able to fit into my clothes.
I guess it doesn't help much that i don't have the money to buy some maternity clothes that will actually fit me, thanks to my dickhead ex boss. He's not going to easily pay my unemployment, of course since he's such a tightwad, so i've got to file an appeal and hope for the best. It's just the reason i wanted to get the unemployment was so we'd have enough money to get by until jesse starts gettin his good paychecks from his new job, and since i've got to file an appeal and wait for all of that to be processed, the unemployment really isn't going to help much with that. He's such an asshole. Seriously, you fired a pregnant woman AND her husband on the same day and you won't even cut her a break and let her collect unemployment. Be considerate for once in your life!
Sorry... I'm just so friggin' tired. I've been getting 3 to 4 hours of sleep every night on average because my body hurts so bad from sleeping on the floor, and i can't take any pain meds to help out with that. The only thing i'm allowed to take while pregnant is Tylonol, and that doesn't do a single thing when my entire lower body is screaming in pain and keeping me awake. Last night i woke jesse up because i was crying from being exhausted and hurting so much. I just don't know what to do. I already asked the doctor if they could give me anything, and they said no, but i can't take this shit!
Oh dear, my brief update is more like a long sobfest... Do forgive me, lovelies. I'll try to find the incentive to walk my lazy ass down to the library again tomorrow and give you the thinspos you requested. I love you all, and i'm beyond grateful to those of you who manage to read through all of my whiney posts. xoxo

Thinspo? Not Really... But Still Pretty

2011-06-03T12:40:00.001-07:00

Peridot gave me an awesome idea on my last post when i asked for thinspo requests. She told me to post pictures of pregnant celebrities. I was a bit wary at first because i really don't see how anyone can look good while pregnant, but i still googled it, and i found out that they really are still beautiful. I don't think i'm as beautiful as them... but then i don't have all that photo editing either. Lol. Thought i'd share the some of the pics i found with you all as well as a picture of my belly with jesse loving on the unborn baby (that's the first one, obviously). Maybe sometime soon i'll even get the nerve to post a picture of my baby bump where you can actually see my face.... Maybe... But thanks, Peri, for actually making me feel like i can still be pretty while prego.

Stealthy, i will do the scenespo post for you next.... You might wanna leave me a reminder though. My memory sucks. :D

Thinspo Requests?

2011-06-01T12:35:00.000-07:00

I'm planning on doing some thinspo posts here really soon to help inspire you all right now, and to help inspire me later on. Any requests as to thinspo themes you'd like to see?

Thank you!

2011-05-31T12:43:00.000-07:00

Your comments are the bestest things ever! Peri, yours especially always make me smile. I love you all bunches and bunches, and i love it when you comment.
There's not a whole lot new going on right now. Same old, same old, but i figured i should put some kind of update on here because i haven't in a while. I've decided i should make it a weekly thing to update and catch up on blogs. (Hopefully more often than weekly on the catching up part!) Until the baby comes, i really have no updates on anything that i even made this blog about, so i figured i'd keep you all posted on all the fetal developments on a weekly basis. Perhaps that way i'll be less inclined to whine in all of my posts.
As far as the baby goes, i swear i've felt it kick with my hand several times! From what i've heard, i shouldn't be able to feel it kick from the outside for another couple of weeks. But it's a strong little bugger, and is constantly kicking the hell out of my insides just so i can feel it on the outside. Definitely like it's daddy. Haha.
But other than that i really have no updates... boring, i know. But i love you all, and am now off to catch up on what i've missed in your lives!

I'm still here

2011-05-26T12:05:00.000-07:00

I suppose i'm doing alright. Nothing's much easier than it was in my last post, which is why i haven't posted in so long. My typed complaints about the same things will not make them any better, so why should i trouble all of you lovely people with reading them, especially when i have been too wrapped up in my self pity to read and comment on all of your beautiful blogs? I feel like a waste of space in this blogging community right now. I'm fat as anything... and i can't so ANYTHING to fix it right now. In fact, i'm supposed to be gaining weight. I truly despise that part of the pregnacy... I miss Ana and all of her ways so badly...
This past Monday, i went to the doctor for a routine checkup on the baby, and everything with the pregnacy is going well, i suppose. The heartbeat was quite strong, and the little one is kicking up a storm, even kicked at the doppler device (the thingy they use to hear the heartbeat) a couple times while it was on my belly. I will be 22 weeks along this coming tuesday, but i'm not finding out the baby's sex until the 20th of next month, which is very disappointing to both Jesse and myself because we're so ready to know what we're having, and we should be able to know now, but the stupid doctor didn't set up the ultrasound appointment asap like i wanted. But i suppose i can wait a few more weeks without dying of curiosity. The only problem the doctor had when i went for the checkup was that i hadn't gained any weight from the last visit about a month before. I really don't see how that can be possible; i feel like i'm eating enough to feed an army...but i guess in my mind that's probably equal to what the non-disordered American eats when they're not pregnant. I know that my belly has gotten much bigger in the past month though, so how the hell have i not gained anything? ...The number on the scale is still horrifying: 144 lbs. That's approx 12 lbs more than what i weighed before i knew i was pregnant, and i know that's pretty much on track as far as what i should gain with the pregnacy, but i still hate it. I don't think disordered women should be able to get pregnant; it fucks with their minds waaaaay too much.
The job situation is looking better for now. Jesse got a job through a recruiting agency, and his first day is today. He's working a 10 hour day right off the start--at $10 per hour pay! So that really is looking good. Hopefully nothing goes wrong there and he can keep that sort of work up. I managed to get unemployment since no one around here wants to hire someone who's pregnant. I just have to go through all the grueling paperwork that recieveing that money requires. After the baby comes though, i am SO going back to work, not that i want to leave my child, which i really don't, i just want to feel like i'm not useless and making Jesse bring in all the money while i mooch off the government. I hate feeling like a mooch. :(
Living situation is still the same: living out of a one bedroom, one bathroom, one living room with a teeny tiny connected kitchen (and no other rooms) appartment with another couple. It's hard on me, but hopefully it will change soon since Jesse has a job. I'm really trying to be posative with this post so i don't bore you all with my depressive attitude. Did i succeed? I hope so. I'd like to be a posative kind of person, but i'm naturally just not. I wonder how one goes about changing that? Any ideas?
I'm off to try to catch up on some of your blogs before Jesse gets back home and i get to spend a bit of time with him. Wish me luck, and do forgive me for not staying as caught up as i could have. Love and hugs to you all from both me and baby.

That's what's up.

2011-05-19T13:18:00.000-07:00

So we moved again... cuz i couldn't take living with ryan's mom. She has some mental issues which she takes medication for, but i dont think the meds do anything at all when mixed with alcohol, which she drinks constantly. I'm crazy enough on my own, thanks; i don't need encouragement to go nutso. I cried almost every night living there. Now we're living with the people we chose to be the baby's godparents. We have no issues getting along... it's just a very tiny appartment, and i'm sick of living out of living rooms.

Oh stop your complaining, just be thankful you're not literally living out of the car. Instead you're only half living out of the car, and you know that really is better. *talking to self, don't worry, i do it all the time. it's just part of my craziness.*

No updates on the baby at the moment except i think i felt it kick yesterday. That was actually pretty cool and exciting. I'm 20 weeks now; more than halfway done. Woo! Now i just need a home for him/her when he/she comes. Oh shit, now i'm back to that rant...

Neither of us has a real job yet, and jesse's under the table deer farm job is bullshit. He hasn't worked once this week, not by his choice but because "he's not needed because of the rain." Yeah, big money making stuff there. I applied for unemployment (i think i already told you that), but haven't heard if i'm getting it or not just yet, so i'm job hunting like a mofo and getting nowhere with it. So yeah... i almost started my rant about how that's making me definitely not have a home, but i'm sure ya'll are just as sick of hearing that as i am of thinking it.

I think i'll just shut up now cuz all i do is bitch and cry about having no home. Sorry guys... I wish i was more in a good mood for you all... but i'm just not. I love you though... Leave me comments; help me through this cuz i know i can't do it on my own.

There are Thorns on Every Rose, in This I'm Reconciled. They're Just a Little Sharper to a Melancholy Child

2011-05-12T12:24:00.000-07:00

So more on that job thing that i REALLY don't feel like talking about... A group of us were goofing off one night and some dumbass thought it'd be awesome to take pix and post them on facebook. Good job, good job. The store owner somehow found them and fired all 7 of us right on the spot BUT he called us all in for a meeting just to tell us we were fired rather than being semi-decent about it and just telling us over the phone. Thanks for wasting gas money we definitely don't have now, asshole!
So jesse and i are both jobless, and of course that means we can't afford to get that appartment--or any for that matter.. We can't even afford to pay the rent to live at the shithole we were living at before. Thank god for ryan and his mom. They're letting us live with them for free because otherwise we'd be living out of the car. Their couch is just so uncomfy it's ridiculous, but i guess i really shouldn't be bitching. At least i've got a place to live, right?
I'm just so afraid i'm not going to be able to get a job because i am pregnant and lots of people won't hire you if they know you're pregnant... And then i'm afraid that we won't be able to afford our own place and i'll be raising my child out of people's living rooms. If that's the case, i'd have to consider adoption or something, and i DON"T want to do that... Grr.
Therefore i have hit a depression and have been sitting around sulking and crying for the past 3 days. Jesse says that makes him feel awful, but how the fuck am i supposed to help that?! So yeah. That's what's up with my life. Ain't it lovely?

2011-05-10T20:08:00.000-07:00

And right after i posted my last update... jesse and i both got fired. FUCK MY LIFE!

Untitled

2011-05-09T13:46:00.000-07:00

I never get to post anymore! I miss you all so much it's ridiculous. I've been living out of a friend's living room for the past week, and there's no internet access up there. So once again, i'm at Wendy's just to write to you all.

I believe i've caught cold.. that or alergies are acting up something awful, and there's next to nothing that i can take for any of that, so my head is in a fog and i feel like i can't breathe. So if this post makes no sense, that's why. That's also why this post is going to be so short...because i feel so shittastic. Grr.

Anyway, not much new. Living out of Ryan's living room....his couch is rather uncomfortable, and his mom is rather psycho, but it's whatever. At least we're more welcome there than where we were living. We found an appartment that we will find out today for sure if we're approved for. I pray that we are... kind of. I don't know if we can really afford it because work is shitting on me.

They're practically demoting me for the sole reason that i'm pregnant. Not straight up demoting me, but telling me to demote myself because apparently i can't handle it in their mind. I don't know what to do. If i don't step down i know they're gonna pick apart my every move until they can demote me themselves which will look even worse on a job application. I don't think my work skills have changed at all except that one breakdown in the past. Nothing else has happened! I hate it. It adds to all the excess stress.

But yeah.. that's really all i have to say.. Too tired to figure out what else is new. Love you guys bunches.

Looooooong update

2011-05-01T14:38:00.000-07:00

Wow. I know i haven't updated in forever, but the internet connection is down at the shit-hole i'm living in. I've got so much to tell you all... i don't even know where to begin! I guess i'll just go through it day by day..

First off, on Monday i went to the doctor and got all the results of bloodwork back, and everything is good there. No complications with the pregnacy, and the baby is healthy. Yay! But then after the doctor appointment, Jesse and i met up with my parents to get our mail that was sent to their house. They bought us lunch at the food court in the mall where we met them, and it was all good. We were talking and getting along quite well, but then i saw my ex..the one who cheated on me the entire two years we were together and was mildly abusive. I crossed my fingers that he hadn't seen me, but he did. He didn't say anything, but he stared at me and circled the food court a bunch of times. Then he went and hid behind a stand like a little girl and flipped me off. We left shortly after that, and i thought nothing of it. But wait, there's more to come on that subject.

Then nothing much happened until Wednesday when i went to hang out with one of my close friends, who is also Jesse's ex. Crazy, huh? But we all get along quite well and he's friends with her as well, so it works out. Anyway, Amber and i decided to go to Wendys (where Jesse and i work) mainly to see Jesse, but also to get her some food. Jesse went on break and we were all sitting at a table talking when my ex showed up there too! How on earth he figured out where i work, i'll never know, but it really did scare me because it felt as if he was following me. He sat at a table right next to us and stared at me with some sort of smirk. We left after Jesse's break was over, and once again, i tried to think nothing of my ex's appearance.

On Thursday, Jesse and i went to hang out with a girl i work with and her girlfriend. We were all hanging out, talking away, paying absolutely no attention to the movie we had rented, and having a good time. These two girls are on fairly good terms with the people we are living with... Let's just say that they can get some stuff that the people we live with enjoy having and leave it at that... But as we were talking, the one girl told us that she had talked with the girl we are living with and was told that she was "sick of our bullshit" and "ready to kick us out". What did we ever do to her?! We keep to ourselves and make sure not to bother them at all. Now i hate living there even more than before.. I was thankful for the warning though... But now, i don't know if it's all in my head or not, but i do feel some sort of odd tension in the house between us and them. Jesse said this morning that he feels it too though. Anyway, i'm beyond ready to get out of there now. In fact, we've been staying out till 4 am most nights, just to keep out of the place. I'm getting less sleep because of it, but i kind of feel like it's worth that.

Then Friday--you're going to laugh at this--Jesse was one of the male dancers at a local club. It was "girls night" at the club, so they had mostly male dancers, all of which were local. Oh lovies, he was so sexy i just wanted to rape him on the stage! Lol. But we both had so much fun with it, and now he says he's going to do it every month since it's a once a month thing. I thought i'd feel awkward having the other guys and girls dance on me, but i really had so much fun. We both had a completely awesome time.

Saturday, however, just sucked all around. One person called off work on my shift, and another didn't call and didn't show up on my shift. I was down two people who were supposed to close, could find no one to come in and cover those shifts, and it was quite busy, so none of the regular, pre-closing stuff got done before we locked the doors. It was awful, and then on top of all of that, my ex showed up at Wendys AGAIN! What the hell? He stared at me and did that stupid smirk the whole time, and it terrified me. There's no reason for him to show up at my work twice in one week. He lives an hour away from where i work, and if he really loves Wendys food that much, there are at least 3 Wendys restaurants closer to his house, so i swear, he's following me... and it absolutely terrifies me... I get the chills and shakes so bad any time i see his face. Usually, it'd be whatever if he decided to smack me around like he used to, but now i have a baby inside me to worry about and be careful with! Not that i really think he'd be dumb enough to do it in a public place... but i guess it's just past memories that makes me think he might. I don't know what to do about it! I called Jesse and begged and pleaded and got him to come into work to help me stop my breakdown, and help us close the store. I'm so glad that man loves me so much...

I adore you all for reading this far on my rambly ramblings, so i'll spare you the pain of reading more and shut up now. I love you all! I promise to do my best to catch up on your blogs and keep mine more updated in the very near future. xoxo!

Untitled

2011-04-26T11:02:00.000-07:00

I really have nothing to say... Just pray that i don't spaz out at work again today because i'm already feeling stressed and sad before i even walk through the door..

I'm thinking about finding a psychiatrist and seeing if that will help me out at all, but i don't even know if i can afford to pay them. Anti-depressants would be nice though... Are they safe for pregnant women to take?

I'm sorry about all this negativity, loves... I really will try to improve my mood--and my posts--soon. But right now, i just don't have the energy to try all of that. I still love you all and all of your comments though. Help me through this like you always have! ...i need you.

Breakdown Monster:2 Me:0

2011-04-24T19:34:00.000-07:00

Yepp... That's right. I've had two fucking breakdowns in the past two days. The first one wasn't so bad because i was at the shithole (aka the place i'm living) by myself, and i was able to hide it. The second one, however was at work and almost got me suspended, which i CANNOT afford. I totally overreacted... but it was stressing me out to an insane level, and i didn't even know what i was doing as i did it... I guess i should elaborate on this second breakdown a bit instead of making you all just wonder what my psycho ass did, huh?

I felt dizzy and like i was going to pass out from the start... Don't know why... But then i got thrown onto three of the most difficult positons (all at one time), and no one was helping me. Then some guy wanted me to carry his three trays of food out to the dining room for him. No problem man; i'll just grow six more arms and leave my clone back here to make all the sandwiches, get all the fries, and coordinate all the trays while i juggle your shit out to you. Yeah... I snapped. I threw his one tray back toward the fry station and yelled, "I can't do everything! A little bit of help would be really really nice!" (I'd only nicely asked for someone to help 5 or 6 times before that only to be ignored.) and i stormed into the crew room. The General Manager told me to clock out and go home, and take the week off (aka a week suspension) "because you just fucking earned it!" So i clocked out and stormed out.

Then on the drive home, i realized what i'd done and pulled over at a rest stop to cry my eyes out... I ended up using quite a bit of self-harm by any means that i could. I punched my arm; bit my arm, scraped the skin off with my nails, then i broke a CD case and used the sharp plastic to scrape more skin, all the while telling myself "i hate you so much!" I couldn't help it; i didn't know what else to do...

Fortunately, Jesse talked to the GM for me and managed to get me only a write-up instead of a suspension while i was having my spasm in the car by myself... He wasn't so happy when he saw my arm though... I told him i didn't do it on purpose, and that's the 100% truth. He was fairly understanding... but i know it made him angry.

Le sigh. I don't even know what to do anymore. Everything is just building up awfully and coming out even more awfully.

I wanted to go home and sleep it all off, but as soon as i laid down, the cat was playing with yet another mouse. That's the third one within a week. And my "bed" is a mattress on the floor. The mouse was waaay too close to crawling into bed with me for comfort, so i'm back at work. Sitting in the dining room with my laptop. I want to go home... but i don't know where the hell that is.

so...

2011-04-22T15:44:00.000-07:00

I went appartment hunting yesterday and found absolutely no open appartments. Fuck my life. I cannot live in this house as long as it's going to take me to find an appartment!

Today Jesse went upstairs to cut a pineapple we bought a few days ago so we could eat it, and the above picture is what he found in the kitchen. He came back downstairs with the uncut pineapple in hand and kicked a random shoe all the way across the room. "There's not an inch of clean space, and not a single clean dish or piece of silverware up there," he said, adding several curses, so i went up and looked for myself. Obviously, he was right.

"Let's leave right now and we'll get something from Perkins before i have to go into work," he suggested, slightly calmer than before.

So i got dressed and straightened my hair, and we got in the car. On the way to the restaurant, i said, "We're never buying food to take back to that house again. There's no point in it. We can eat out until we get our own place, and as long as we're careful, we shouldn't spend too much more money or put on too much more weight."

He nodded. "Makes sense."

"I still feel homeless," i told him.

"I know what you mean. We have a place to live, but it has none of the comforts a home should have." He brought my hand to his lips and kissed it without taking his eyes from the rainy roads. "I promise we'll have a place soon," he said, "one way or another."

I really hope he's right...

**Edit. Oh and might i add, i'm doing their fucking laundry so i can do my own because they always leave a load in the dryer and in the washer, so i've got to dry two of their loads before i can begin my own. If the laundromat wasn't so expensive, i'd just say fuck it and go there instead, but i'm not made of money.... gahhhh!

Sorry about the mood swings, guys and gals... I'll blame it on the pregnacy..

Mood Swings

2011-04-20T10:22:00.000-07:00

I have waaaaaay too many mood swings at this point. Shortly after i wrote that happy post, i found out that my phone bill was almost $50 more than usual and i started crying like an idiot and feeling like we'll never be able to afford our own place. Why does this world revolve around money?! Why does my happiness revolve around money?! Unfortunately, the pouty, nothing-is-ever- gonna-get-better mood has stuck with me. So maybe i don't have enough mood swings? I'd be ok with a bunch of negative to posative swings. And poor Jesse asked me this morning why i'm always so mean to him. Dammit, i don't try to be, and it's not like he always does something to deserve my snappiness. Surely i can't blame all this stupid crankiness on the baby inside me.

It's looking up a bit

2011-04-18T13:28:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well, i'm going appartment hunting very soon now. It's exciting and scary both at the same time. I'm just tired of living in this house where there's always trash and toys all over the floor that no one ever cleans up. The kitchen is a horror story as well. The ant infested sink is filled up with moldy dishes that no one ever washes. Jesse and i have cleaned up these messes many times only to find them just as bad the very next day. After so many days of cleaning up someone else's messes just to have them come back, it's hard to see a point in cleaning them up at all. We clean up after ourselves now, but that's it. And the rest is disgusting. Ana would have a hayday with a kitchen like that if i'd let her. I can't handle that. So fuck it; i'm not saving up as much as i wanted to. My entire savings account might be depleted just by the security deposit and first month's rent when i do find an appartment, but i don't care! I'd sell my soul to have my own place at this point, and now that dream is gonna come true. Yay! I'll definitely keep you all updated on how all of that goes. Oh, and Jesse is going to finally get a better paying job. His one friend's uncle owns some sort of lumber company that pays it's employees $12 an hour and guarantees them a 40 hour week, so he's going to try to get into that, and his friend said he'll help him. If that doesn't work, he's going through a job hunting agency and asking them to call him for jobs that pay $10 or more per hour. Hopefully he gets something very very soon. We can definitely use that sort of help. I feel as if things are sort of looking up right now... well, not right now, but in the very near future. And for once, i'm not down in the dumps even though i just paid all the bills and all but killed my checking account until we get paid again. Keep your fingers crossed that i stay that way; i kind of enjoy being optimistic.

Pain and Questions

2011-04-17T10:01:00.000-07:00

The one girl i know was talking to me the other day about her pregnacy. She said that through her entire pregnacy, she was a waitress on her feet all day, and then she didn't have a car so she walked to and from work every day. All i could say was wow. I don't know how anyone could do that, and i really wish i did know because really the only thing I've got up on her is that i have a car. I'm usually working 5 or 6 days a week for 8 hours each day. In a fast food place, there is no sitting down on the job. In fact, the store owner doesn't even allow us to have chairs behind the "employees only" door at all. Tomorrow i'm scheduled to work a 9 hour shift.... and i really don't know how i'm going to do it. I'm not sure if it's just the way everyone's body feels through pregnacy, or maybe mine hurts so much because i fucked it up with Ana, or maybe i'm just a whiny little bitch, but i came home yesterday from an 8 hour shift and ended up doing my damndest not to cry because i hurt so much. My feet and ankles were swollen and throbbing, and when the throbbing calmed down, it felt like i'd just twisted both of my ankles quite badly. Both of my hips are acting up too. My right hip i blame on the car accident that happened last april and really screwed it up (sliced the muscle all the way to the bone; i had to take physical therapy to even walk again.), but i don't know what the hell is up with the left one. Jesse tried to make it better and massage them, and he said that the muscles are extremely tight. I guess it's just from the extra weight i'm holding right now, and putting that stress onto my legs all day? Then how do fat people do it?! I'm so ready for this baby to come out and to get this painful baby weight off! But the whole point of this whiny post was to ask you all, do you have any suggestions on how to help my feet and legs not hurt so much? I know a few of you have been through pregnacy yourselves, so what did you all do to make them not hurt? Should they be bothering me this much already or is something wrong that it's this bad already? I'm really worried that i'm gonna have to go on maternity leave much, much earlier than i had planned on, which is gonna hurt my pay a whole bunch. Any suggestions or ideas will be awesome. Love you all.

Lyrics that make me think of myself and you all

2011-04-15T11:09:00.000-07:00

Perfectly flawed by Otep If you do this; if you do this... If you do this you'll never have a chance to try again; If you do this you'll never have a chance to try... It's the same sound, same sting; The same collapse of everything. It's the same slice, same blade; The same lie, same ol' vein. My weight, my face, My height, my race.... I'm a mistake. My weight, my face, My height, my race... I'm such a disgrace. You're perfectly flawed; You're perfectly incomplete. Like cracks in the glass, And faded photographs. You're perfectly flawed; You're perfectly incomplete. Let them condemn. Imperfections make you unique. Nothing left to lose, just try again; Nothing left to lose, just try again... It's the same doubt, the same dream; It's the same sabotage 'cause i'm the enemy. It's the same night, same day; It's the same parasite, feeding on the betrayed. My weight, my face, My height, my race; I'm a mistake... My weight, my face, My height, my race; I'm such a disgrace... You're perfectly flawed; You're perfectly incomplete. Like cracks in the glass, And faded photographs. You're perfectly flawed; You're perfectly incomplete. A work in progress, Imperfections make you unique. A disguise of self-deception Hides my secrets perfectly. I'm rejecting my reflection 'Cause i hate the way it judges me. Don't you do it; You're not even you yet. Don't you do it; You're not even you yet. You're perfectly flawed; You're perfectly incomplete. Like cracks in the glass, And faded photographs. You're perfectly flawed; You're perfectly incomplete. A work in progress, Imperfections make you unique.

Ultrasound pics!

2011-04-13T11:16:00.000-07:00

I was going to upload the videos because the thumb sucking is muc more obvious in those, but blogger is being a meanie and not letting me.

Baby News

2011-04-12T10:40:00.000-07:00

I went to the hospital yesterday and had an ultrasound done. I've got a CD of pictures a videos from that, which i'll try to figure out how to upload in a little bit to show you all, but it was pretty exciting. In one of the pictures, the baby is clearly sucking it's thumb! I'm three weeks farther along than the doctor originally thought, so as of today, i'm exactly 15 weeks (one week away from 4 months!), and my due date is actually October 4. I'm kind of happy about that... Mostly because i swore i was farther along than the doctor said and i just got proved right. Haha. But then again, i'm kind of disappointed. I liked the idea of my baby being born the end of October and possibly having a Halloween baby. It doesn't really matter that much though; we're going to love it a ridiculous amount whenever it's born. Oh, and in about 5 weeks, i'll get another ultrasound done to find out the gender! Jesse's extremely excited about that; i guess i'm excited too, but i kind of do like not knowing. I feel like i should find out though, so i can buy stuff ahead of time, and tell people what color to get for the baby shower. Definitely don't want all yellow and green! But there's the update on all that exciting stuff. **To anonymous, actually, i do find it rude. You're picking apart my life knowing almost nothing about it. 1. My "boyfriend" is my husband. If you actually were following me like you say you are, you should know that. 2. When we first got together, he went to meet my parents sans makeup and did nothing wrong in that meeting, but my dad simply looked at him and decided he didn't like him. 3. My parents asked me to abstain from life in general, not drugs (which i've never done), sex and alcohol alone. 4. He is definitely not leaving me. Sometimes i can actually believe him when he says he loves me more than i love him (as awful as that might be.) 5. Leave your name when you comment and perhaps then i'd find it slightly less rude.

Sometimes....

2011-04-10T09:51:00.000-07:00

It feels like i'm not getting anywhere in my life. Look at me: i'm nothing, nobody, getting nowhere. Just you're typical white trash that ran away from home and got knocked up before she could afford it. I don't have my own home; i can barely pay what bills we do have; certainly can't afford food on a regular basis (good in Ana's eyes, but what about my family?!). But it's not like i don't work. I work my ass off all the time. My job just doesn't pay me shit for my trouble. I don't know... sometimes it feels pointless to even try to make it somewhere.

I Don't Care What you Think as Long as it's About Me

2011-04-09T09:41:00.000-07:00

Thinspo post time... basicly because i have nothing exciting to share.

Versatile Blogger Award

2011-04-08T08:39:00.000-07:00

Bella has nominated me for versatile blogger award. :) Because she's amazing like that. Thank you so much, dearie. The rules are 1) thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift. Thank you thank you thank you thank you, Bella! I'm putting a link to your website on here, so hopefully you can get more followers too. 2) share seven things about yourself. *I'm a 20 year old want-to-be model from Pennsylvania. I went to school for modeling and graduated at the top of my class, but never made it any farther than that in the industry. I'm pretty sure i screwed myself over with that by getting a giant tattoo and then even more so by getting pregnant, but then again, there are alternative modeling agencys that go for the tattoos and things like that. Plus, the stretch marks i'm going to be getting just might fade into oblivion if i'm lucky. (Hey, i can still hope, right?) *So instead of modeling, i'm working in the fast food industry at Wendy's right now. It's not the best option, but it's really the only option i had. Jobs are hard to find around here. At least i got promoted to a management positon, right? I don't know.... I think management sucks even more, but it's only temporary. At least that's what i keep telling myself. *Another job dream of mine is to be a writer. I've always dreamed of writing a novel and getting it published since i was a kid. In fact, i've started several stories, but then i get distracted and never finish them. Even the ones i do finish once, i feel the need to go over time and time again to make sure they're absolutely perfect, and i've never got the guts to go to a publisher with one of the finished products that i still feel is unfinished and not good enough. *Enough of job talk! I've always dreamed and played little kid games of finding that one person i am meant to be with. I never thought i'd actually get that lucky in reality, but i did! Jesse is the perfect person for me. We started out as best friends and then realized that we should be together; we've barely been apart since that. We've been together for a little over a year, and married for a little over 6 months of that year. Many people told us we rushed into it too fast, but neither of us has even slightly regretted it. *And now i'm going to have his baby! It's a frightening and exciting feeling, but it ties in with the dream i've always had of finding my soulmate. I always dreamed of building a family and a life together once i did find that person, so now we've started doin just that. Once again, perhaps we are rushing into it too fast, but neither of us regrets this decision at all either. *A random little fact about me is that i absolutely love tattoos and piercings and alternative style clothing. Anything dark and unique is absolutely beautiful to me. *And last but not least, i have an eating disorder. I'm sure you've already figured that out (and a lot of the other things about me that i just told you) by reading this blog. It's not anorexia, it's not bulimia, it's EDNOS. I guess it tends a bit more on the side of BDD combined with extremely mild anorexia. But the eating disorder has always been a huge part of my life. I can honestly never remember being without it, so i chose to embrace it and begin this blog, which i've been keeping for approximately 2 years. 3)Bestow this honor onto ten newly discovered or followed bloggers--in no particular order--who are fantastic in some way *Ophelia from A Head Full of Beauty *Lina from Flushed *Peridot from Glue and Pieces *Blake from Ana's Arms *Mich from Sick B*tch *Hanz from A Spoonful of Empty Space *Pokerface from pokerface *Savory Sweet from Savory & Sick *Stick Thin from Stick Thin and *Yum from Yummy Secrets - A ProAna Blog 4) drop in and let your ten friends know you admire them. So i'm off to do that right now. Love to everyone. (Don't think i love you any less because you're not listed here.)

I wasn't gone for too long, was i?

2011-04-06T16:38:00.000-07:00

Thank you for all your lovely comments on everything. You all are darlings. Oh, and, Danni, i'm not hating on you, but you've definitely got some of my followers hating on you since i posted your comments; go ahead and read some of their comments about you and your comments if you're strong enough (or think you are anyway). Guess what! I went to the doctor two days ago and i heard the baby's heartbeat! Jesse was in the room with me and he got the biggest smile on his face as soon as we heard it. I'm sure my smile was just as big, but his was just absolutely lovely to me. My goodness, i have a living being inside me!!! I really did want to break the doctor's finger off though. Like, seriously, why the hell is it necessary to ram your finger up my vagina to try to feel...i don't even know what he was trying to feel! Anyone know? Please do tell me. Also, tell me how to deal with that, because for some reason it's really really apalling and bothersome to me. Anyway.... Sorry i didn't post for the past couple days. I've been working my ass off. I don't think i got 8 hours of sleep in the past 3 days combined (ok, slight exaggeration, but only slight). Not good for the baby, i know, but there's really no way of fixing it; i think whoever does the schedule at work is trying their damndest to kill me. Seriously, close the store (which means get home around 2 am) and then get up at 8 am to be at a 9 am manager meeting the next morning, close again that night, and then get up at 5 am to take my serve-safe test, which i get back from around 8 pm! HOLY HELL! I'm so tired it's ridiculous. I think i passed the test though. But last night it was impossible for me to sleep for some reason. All i wanted to do was lie in bed and cry my eyes out, which is exactly what i did. The crazy thing is, i have no clue what i was crying about, and it was some rather hysterical crying. Jesse got less sleep than me the two nights before that, so he was too tired to even wake up when i started my stupid sobbing, which i actually think is a good thing considering i had no reason to tell him. But it's whatever, i made it through work today somehow, and now i'm back to catch up on what's new with you all. So i'm going to quit my random rambles and go read up on all your lovely blogs. Love yous!!

Finally Wedding Pix!

2011-04-02T20:01:00.000-07:00

Well, looky here; someone was finally able to upload her wedding pictures to her blog. Horray! We were married on August 24 2010 for those who don't remember. And here's my favorites of the pictures we got from that tiny little wedding. You can see the pretty waterfall we were married on, the few brave souls who actually came to our wedding, my sneakers that i wore during my wedding (hey, i was afraid of breaking my neck otherwise, don't judge), and the bride and groom's happy smiles.

Please do read and comment this and the other post i did today. Love your comments.

Sometimes Ana is Still Here

2011-04-02T17:39:00.000-07:00

"Holy shit!" the loud profanity escaped my tongue when i looked at the number on the scale in the doctor's office. The nurse gave me a disapproving glare, but didn't say anything. Ana, on the other hand, just so happened to be there with me at that moment and spoke her mind. "Well, aren't we gaining awfully fast there, darling? Maybe you should cut back on the food intake for a bit. I'm sure the baby doesn't require you to gain 15 pounds within the first 9 weeks." I tried so hard to ignore her, but her words stuck with me. Was i gaining too fast? And if i was, why? I was certainly not eating everything in sight. I ate four small portions of food a day on a munchie day, and there were some days when i only ate one. Plus, i was sticking to only foods that Ana would approve of without even trying to. Sweets, fried foods, and red meats were simply out of the question. The smell and look of them all made me feel like i was going to be sick. All i really wanted was vegetables, sea food, and a tiny bit of chicken every once in a while. I bit my tongue and fought back the urge to ask the doctor how much or how little i should have gained. I made it through the doctor's appointment, learning hardly anything i didn't already know, and then suffered through the ride home without mentioning to Jesse my worry that i had gained to much. Once i was home i got a lovely, steamy shower to relax. I felt fine again once i was done... until i wiped the fog from the mirror and noticed my first stretch marks. Once again, Ana was at my side. "Goodness, you'll never look good again with those! They're on your breasts for pity's sake; that's even worse than your stomach. Now part of whatever bit of sexual appeal you had is gone forever." I pushed her away with one hand and hurredly pulled a t-shirt over my head with the other. I put my shorts on in record time and ran away from both her and my reflection as quickly as i could. Jesse was in the living room playing some sort of video game, so i went over and sat on the cedar chest next to him. "Will you still love me when i'm all saggy and stretch marked?" i blurted. He dropped his controller and wrapped me in his arms. "You know i will." "Will you still think i'm pretty?" He squeezed me tighter and then pulled back to look me in the eyes. "You will always be beautiful, no matter what. And you're not going to be saggy and stretch marked anyway." I shook my head. "You don't know that." Then the little girl we were babysitting walked in, and in all her blatant honesty, said, "Jo! You can't sit on that; you're too big. You'll break it." Ana jabbed my ribs. "Yeah, you're too big; you'll break it," she whispered into my ear. That's when i lost it. I pulled away from Jesse's embrace and bolted to my room, biting back tears. "Sweetheart, wait," he called after me. "She didn't mean anything like that by it." "I'm way too sensitive for this shit right now, so don't even fuck with me!" i shouted back, and locked the door to my bedroom where i collapsed onto the bed and cried until there were no tears left to cry.

Your hateful comments only inspire me to prove your ridiculous accusations more wrong than they already are.

2011-04-01T19:08:00.000-07:00

So thanks for that. Yep, i may be poor. Indeed, i'm getting a bit fat since i've got a baby inside me. But no, my dearest haters, i have not failed in any sense of the word. The only way to fail would be to give up trying, which i have not done and do not plan on ever doing. Soon enough both i and my husband will have jobs that provide us with enought money to get off of foodstamps and other governmental help sources, and even sooner than that, we will have our own place to call a home. And, might i add, this baby bump is most certainly not going to be here after the baby is born. In fact, i'm going to be thinner than i was before the baby after the baby, and yet i will still be a fully functional, providing, loving mother for said child. Don't believe me? Watch and see. I don't give a fuck what you say or think that i can or can't do; i know what i can do and i know what i will do. You truly have inspired me though, even in your trying to hurt me, so i give you an honest and heartfelt thanks. To the rest of you, your comments often inspire me as well, so don't feel left out! I love you all and am still in the process of catching up on the blogs that i am following, but i'll get there!

Time to Catch up!

2011-03-31T17:25:00.000-07:00

I'm online on my lappy top!! And i'm sitting at the house with some time on my hands. Yes, perhaps i should finish cleaning and organizing the bedroom, but i've been working on that since one o'clock this afternoon. (Don't worry, we're not that messy. We just got a bunch of hand-me-down furniture from out friend, so i've been having a lovely time asking Jesse to move it around for me and filling up the dressers with all of our clothes that were previously either in boaxes or laundry baskets.) And yes, maybe i should be studying for the serv-safe test i'll be taking for work on April 15th. But i'd much rather be catching up on all of your beautiful blogs, so that's what i'm going to do! :) My plan is to read the last post on each blog that i'm following. However, that's not going to fully update me on all that i've missed in the several months i haven't been able to read those blogs on a daily basis. So, if you know i'm one of your followers (most likely you can figure that out simply by seeing a comment on your most recent post), please leave me a comment on this post filling me in on all that important stuff i've missed, and i promise to keep up to date from now on! It's actually rather intimidating. I follow so many blogs that i haven't read anything from in forever... So much to read! You'd better be glad i love you all! Haha. Here goes!

Rambly-ness

2011-03-30T15:57:00.000-07:00

Big news! I went to the hospital today to have the check up on the baby done and everything. Actually i guess it's not really big news considering all they said was "yeah, you're definitely pregnant". I was like "no! really? i had no idea!" But anyway, they guestimated that i'm about 9 weeks along because we didn't hear a heartbeat when they put that thingy on my belly to try to hear one. My due date is approximately October 27, but all of that is based off my best knowledge (which is rather shaky) of when my last period was. They took a bunch of vials of blood for a bunch of different tests. Ick! I hated the needle... but i really was considering asking the lady to take an extra vial for me to take home with me because i thought it looked really cool. Yes, i am a bit sick sometimes. But it really did look cool to me! I filled out a bunch of paperwork and applications for governmental help and stuff. Took almost two hours, but i guess if i do get that help it'll definitely be worth it. That's all the baby news i have for right now though. However i do have some really exciting news. I got my tax return so i went to walmart and got myself a laptop!!! Yayayayayay! Now i can keep in touch with all of you and catch up on blogs and it'll be absolutely awesome! But yeah, that's my rambly nonsensical post. I'm really kind of tired. Didn't get much sleep last night, and this whole pregnacy thing is actually quite tiring. So i think i'm off to take a bit of a nap. BUT i promise to catch up on all of your blogs as soon as i can. I love you all!

EEEK!

2011-03-21T14:01:00.000-07:00

I think i felt the baby moving for the first time last night and then again this morning! It felt like butterflies and bubbles in my belly. I tried to feel it from the outside with my hand because i so wanted to share that feeling with Jesse, but neither one of us felt anything that way. Not yet, not yet. Still, it was really really exciting, and i really wanted to share it with all of you. OMG i have a baby in my belly!!!! I guess i should have known that already....but the reality really just sank in fully for the first time. Crazy stuff... I hope its a cutie! Lol.

itty bitty update

2011-03-20T11:41:00.000-07:00

Doctor visit on the 30th of this month for me to find out all that i can about the baby in me belly. Yay! And Jacob and i have finally picked out names for our baby that we can both agree on. (So since i'm telling you my baby's name, i might as well tell you that Jacob's real name is Jesse and my real name is Joanna. Random tidbit of info for ya'll there.) If it's a girl, her name will be Fate Alice. And if it's a boy, his name will be Dorian Raven. Jesse swears he has a feeling that it's a girl, but i think it's just because he really wants a girl. I don't know, sometimes i get the feeling that it's a girl, sometimes i think it's gonna be a boy. Hard to tell... yet. Maybe i'll know soon though!
Still haven't got any of that money that the government is supposed to be sending me, so i can't get the laptop just yet, but hopefully soon. I'd love to get caught back up on all of your blogs. I miss you sooooooo much!
But yeah, that's really all i've got to say at this point in time. Stay strong, my dears. All my love.

Random stuff

2011-03-14T10:16:00.000-07:00

Hello, dearies. No baby updates yet. I haven't even had the gas money to get to the doctor to make sure everything's good in the first place... and i hope to have money to raise the child; God help me! :/ But i'll get my paycheck on friday and then on saturday we'll be going to find all that good stuff out.
Another good thing that should be happening soon: i'll be getting a laptop, so i'll actually be able to update you all a lot more often! I'm just waiting to get my income tax return, and then i'm buying a lappy toppy! Haha.
Here's an awesome little email tidbit that i really would love to share with you all. This lovely lady has a survey for all of us pro-ana people because she's trying to do a study that will represent us and our cause better than it has been represented. You can fill out the survey partially or fully, whichever you're more comfortable with. Here's the link to get to the survey. If you have any questions or want to know more about her research, her email address is kmccurle@soc.umass.edu. If you don't feel comfortable contacting her, but still have a question, just send me and email at emofreak5@yahoo.com and i'll email her for you and get your answer. Hopefully her research turns out as awesome as i'm hoping! And we can help that :)

I love you all :)

2011-03-06T14:43:00.001-08:00

All of your comments are so awesome and helpful! I LOVE being a part of this online community. It's seriously the bestest thing ever! :) Thanks so much everyone for all of your comments. And i'm definitely still open for many many more.
Random question... which is also a bit of an awkward TMI question, but i always tell you all everything anyway, so here goes: Is it normal for a pregnacy to cause constipation? I've been eating fiber and not a lot of infamous constipating foods, yet i seem to need to use the "potty" quite often without being able to go. I don't want to take laxxies because 1) something tells me there's no way that would be good for the baby, and 2) i really don't trust myself to have access to laxxies at any point in time for reasons i'm sure you all can understand. Any suggestions?
Now on a happier note, i think i'm going to have Jacob's hands superglued to my stomach for the next 7 or so months. Last night he put his hands there and was like "I can feel the baby bump!" All night he kept touching my belly and saying "I have a baby in there," with the cutest little smile ever. I know he's gonna be a really good loving daddy. :)
But that's really all the updates i have for now.. So in parting, i give you hugs and kisses and all my love and gratitude. XOXO.

Ana's Goodbye

2011-03-04T12:40:00.000-08:00

My heart raced and my stomach lurched. The stomach lurching was no longer out of the ordindary morning routine for me, but the heart pounding was new, frightening, and somehow exciting. I reached for the pregnacy test, afraid to see the results. What if it was posative? What the hell would Ana do? Or what if it was negative? What the hell would Jacob do? Either way, what the hell would i do? I took a deep breath and looked at the result box. A plain little plus sign was so simple for me to see that it was ridiculous. I smiled, a terrified little smile and rushed downstairs to the bedroom to show Jacob the results. He smiled such a huge, ridiculous smile when he looked at it that i couldn't help feeling excited too. "I'm gonna have a baby!" he giggled like an excited little girl.
I laughed at him and nodded. "Yes... we are." He swept me into his arms and hugged and kissed me intensely.
Ana tapped my shoulder. "May i take part in all of this joy?"
I pushed her away. "No! You will have nothing to do with my child. EVER."
A hurt look crossed her beautiful bony face. "Why not?" she asked, sounding surprisingly innocent.
I shook my head as anger rose inside my chest. "You make my life hell as it is. You will not do that while i have a child that i need to eat for as well as myself. And you most definitely will not meet my child when he or she is old enough to understand all your stupid little tricks and hateful remarks. You will not make my child go through the same hell that you make me go through. Go take a damn vacation, and get out of my life..." I paused, afraid of what i'd just said. "But... please, don't leave me altogether. I promise i'll follow your advice again once the baby comes. I... i love you.. and i need you..."
She sighed. "I know. It's understandable for you to be overly protective," she said with a shrug. "I'll be back one the baby is born... May i at least hold it for a moment right after it's born?"
I shook my head almost sadly. "No. I don't want to hurt you, but more importantly, i don't want you hurting my baby."
She nodded. "Ok. I won't forget you, Jo. I'll come back."
"Promise?" i called after her retreating figure.
"I promise," she said, and turned around with a sad smile and wave. "I'll be back."

**I'm open for any advice on this pregnacy thing AT ALL. I know absolutely nothing, and i'm terrified and excited both at the same time. Anyone who has any advice, regardless of what it is, please leave me a comment.
...Does anyone know how to avoid stretch marks, and a bunch of baby weight after the birth? Those are the two things that scare me the most, as dumb as that might sound.**

Quickie

2011-03-02T12:03:00.000-08:00

So i am gonna have a baby. Not sure how i feel about it. But i do know that Ana is definitely going on the back burner until he/she is born... I'll give you all more updates here soon. It's just nigh unto impossible to get computer access at this point. Grrr... life is complicated sometimes.
I really love and miss you all. Hopefully i'll be able to fully update in a couple days. Love and hugs to you all.

I don't know now...

2011-02-05T07:38:00.000-08:00

I'm afraid to listen to Ana right now. I'm not sure yet (too poor to buy a test) but i think i might be pregnant. It crossed my mind a little while ago because my breasts were rather sensitive, but i ignored it. They get that way sometimes before my period anyway, so i figured that was all it was. Nothing to worry about. But then Jacob and i were getting a shower together and his hand rested on my breast for a minute and he smiled at me and said, "i think you might be pregnant."
"What? Why?!" i asked him, surprised.
He shrugged. "Well you said your boobs were sensitive and i think they're a little bit bigger than they used to be."
I nodded. I had wondered if they were bigger. My bras didn't seem to be fitting me right anymore, but i ignored it because i knew we didn't have enough money to buy me a whole new wardrobe of lingurie. "But i'm bigger everywhere than i used to be," i told him.
"You didn't get your period in January," was his reply. "And we've not been preventing it in any shape form or sense."
"I don't know. Is it a good thing if i am? I mean, we're poor and we don't have our own house."
He nodded. "It's a very good thing."
I don't know about all that. I'm not sure if i'm ready for a baby just yet. Not that i won't be happy and love it, and not that he won't be a wonderful father... It's just i don't know if i'm quite ready for all of that. I'm scared. But i'm a little bit excited too. I hope that i'm not, but i also hope that i am. I don't know what i feel about it, but i do know that i really can't be listening to Ana if i am, but i don't know that i am yet. I don't know when i'm going to be able to find out either. What am i to do? Help me!

I'm Scaring Myself

2011-01-30T10:58:00.000-08:00

I looked in the mirror today and thought, "Oh, wow, i'm not as fat as Ana says i am." Then i thought about not listening to anything she says at all.
But then her skin and bone reflection appeared next to mine in the mirror, and i realized that i was wrong. "No," she whispered in my ear. "You can't leave me that easy. Look at yourself again." She pinched at my thigh, "Chubby there." Then she poked at my stomach, "Pudge there." She kissed my cheek. "Could be a bit bonier there..."
I sighed and conceded, "You're right."
"You've been trying to approach taking me back in a much too healthy manner," she told me. "Wanting to start out with just making sure you cut back to 1000 calories a day, then slowly edging it back down without even a single workout planned. Come on, Jo, that's not like you. You need to jump back into this quickly. Fuck that healthier approach. Fuck your thinking 'oh its fruit, it doesn't count'. Jacob has gotten far too into your head with this whole health thing. Food is not healthy; it makes you fat."
I couldn't help but agree. I really was trying to ease myself back into Ana's lifestyle far too slowly. That was never how i'd done it before. Why should i start now?
"Honestly, sweetie, you're scaring me with this new 'healthier' side of you," Ana told me.
I nodded. "I'm scaring myself with it too." It seemed so sick to be healthy. "I promise i'll stop right now. Tomorrow i'll start the 2468 plan and find some way to work out."
She smiled. "That's my girl."

P.S. To all of you who follow me, yes every single one of you, i love you very very much. And to those of you who leave me comments, thank you very very much for your words and encouragement and support. They mean the world to me.

Once upon a time

2011-01-26T08:45:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time in a land not so far away, a woman named Ana appeared in a little town called Siena, Italy. Many people scorned her, saying that she was frightening. The people whispered among themselves in their native Itallian tongue, "Just look at her! She's far too thin!" "She has no last name that she will tell us." "Does she ever eat? I saw her buy a lot of food and then throw it all away." "Her only response when i asked her where she came from was 'my own willpower.' What is that to mean?" Almost the entire town began to shun her. But not Caterina Benincasa. This lovely sixteen year old girl was far too kind hearted to shun anyone. Besides, she thought to herself, Ana seems to be hurting just as much as i am.
One day on the street, Caterina approached the fearsome stranger that seemed far from fightening to her. "Are you lonely?" she asked her.
Ana smiled and nodded. "Profoundly." She offered Caterina her arm. "You are too; i can see it. You don't have to be anymore. I can be your friend."
Caterina hugged her tightly and they became fast friends from that point on. Caterina always told Ana everything that was hurting her. Even that very first day, she spilled her heart. "My older sister has died, and so has my youngest. Now my parents are wanting me to marry my older sister's husband! It's horrid. He was my sister's husband, not mine. And i've already sworn chastity to God in heaven. I cannot marry," she mourned.
That was when Ana showed Caterina something that she promised would solve everything: Fasting. "I used to speak with your older sister," Ana told her. "She used the fast to get that brute of a man she married to treat her better. It really does work for everything."
The fasting was hard for Caterina sometimes, but Ana never let up on her pressure to do so. "The greater the suffering, the greater the triumph," Ana reminded, and Caterina agreed. "Soon you'll be so thin that no man will want you," Ana said gently stroking Caterina's freshly cut hair. "But i'll see you as beautiful."
Caterina smiled. "That's so lovely," she said and fell to sleep.
She became a nun and changed her name to Catherine, and Ana followed her there giving her a helping hand as she fasted and gave away all of her food to the poor. She traveled all over the world helping people and serving her God in Heaven with Ana at her side, never letting her stop the fasting as many people pressured her to do, until she died in Rome at age 33. Ana buried her kindly and went in search of a new friend.
"Why do all of my friends die," she mourned, "and i never will."
It's the truth. That was back in the 1300's, and Ana still has not died. She does have many, many more friends now though. And in 1940, Ana even convinced the Pope to name Catherine a patron saint. Ah, yes, Ana is much much more popular and loved now. She's not lonely anymore. We all love her very much.

Quickie

2011-01-25T12:29:00.000-08:00

A bit of progress... not in the way i look, but in getting on my way to fixing that. Jacob and i got a mini fridge and a bunch of healthy food, so now i won't be eating fast food every single day (or any day at all) like i was there for the past month. It should really be a lot better. He's telling me he's going to get my workout equipment tomorrow (but he's been saying that for the past week or so... We'll see how that goes). But at least i'm in control of the food that i eat now! I'm excited. Trying to come up with a plan that i'll stick to. Any ideas? What plans are you all following?
It'll all be better soon. :) Things are definitely looking up. Hope you all are doing even better! Best wishes and lots of kisses!

Thievery

2011-01-15T21:31:00.000-08:00

"Your clothes weren't stolen, dimwit," Ana said harshly. "I gave them to Keia. They'll fit her much better than they'll ever fit your fat, lazy body."
Tears welled up in my eyes, but i just stared at her in shock, saying nothing.
"The skinny jeans will fit their name on her. You turn them into chubby jeans when you put them on," she scoffed. "And lingurie will look much much less fightening on her. You're too fat for all that pretty, frilly shit."
I bit my lip.
"And the bracelet that Jacob gave you for christmas: i gave it to someone with a thinner, prettier wrist."
That was when i snapped. "You fucking bitch!" i screamed. "He loves me just the way i am! And you can't just take things from me like that!"
Her eyebrows raised. "Oh no? I thought you wanted me to take something from you: something called fat. That's what i'm trying to do, darling."
She had a point, but i didn't give a flying fuck. "Get out of my head!" I shrieked. "Get out! Go! Leave me alone!"
"You don't want that," she countered.
I shook my head. Once again, she had a damn good point. "Fuck off," i snapped and clutched a razor. "I'll replace the bracelet myself. "And i began to do just that with blood and cuts taking the place of the gold and silver. Then i burst into hysterical tears.
Ana tried to hold me but i shoved her away and continued my sobbing into the pillow. "I hate you," i told her. "I hate you and i hate the life you've given me."

**When i get back on track, i'm going to get some of the lyrics from the song 'Focus Shall Not Fail' tattooed on me. I just havent decided where yet. Any ideas?**

Story time!

2011-01-05T12:02:00.000-08:00

"Time for a new start," Ana whispered in my ear.
I shoved her away. "Buzz off and let me enjoy this New Year party."
She shook her head violently. "Oh, no you don't. You made me a promise that once the new year got here, you were gonna come back to eating my way." She pointed to the clock. "It's 12:45. Complete new year. No more fucking things up."
I sighed. "You're killing my alcohol buzz."
She nodded. "Yeah, well, you gotta get your shit together. Maybe once your'e skinny and beautiful, your luck won't be so bad all the time."
"Come on! The stuff that happens to me has nothing to do with my weight."
"Oh no?" she said, sceptically raising her eyebrows. "You think i can't bring bad things your way when you ignore me? Think again, love!"
The buzz was gone. "Fine, maybe you do, but... i don't know how i'm going to handle food in your manner with Jacob always by my side."
"Don't make excuses. You know he said he'd be fine with you eating a salad with no meat on it 5 days of the week. You really ought to go with that, and on the other two days eat a bit of grilled chicken and veggies to make him happy. Or, even better, skip out on eating any day any way that you can without lying to him, little miss 'i must tell the truth'. You'll do fine if you just start trying."
I nodded. "Ok. I'll try," i ceded.
"Good," she replied triumpantly as she gave me a hug. "I love you!"
"I love you too, despite how annoying you can be sometimes."
She giggled. "Annoyance is a virtue sometimes."
"Perhaps it is in your mind..." but i really could see her point.

*I've done really well sticking with that plan! I managed to skip eating two days since the year began, and on the other days, the calorie count has been either 500 or below that. I feel skinnier and stronger (and hungrier! which really makes me happy) every day. I'll be truly thin someday soon, my loves. I really will! I know i can.*

Update

2011-01-01T12:01:00.000-08:00

Hi, everyone. Quick update here: everything seems to be looking up. We moved...again, but its much better here. We have our privacy and the people we're living with are really nice whenever we interact. So it really is a lot better.
The holidays are over, and i made it through in one piece, so you know what that means. It's time for Ana to help me tear myself apart. I will stop hating the way i look, because we will make it much, much better. Not sure what the exact plan is yet. Jacob makes it a bit difficult to have a plan, but i guess i could begin to be a bit difficult too, knowing that it'll make me much happier in the end. So i guess that's the plan.
I'll try to start updating and giving you my story posts more often sometime. The internet is down where i'm living right now tho... so... yeah... But i'll try. I love you all. Good luck with all of your new years resolutions!

Thankyou

2010-12-17T12:02:00.000-08:00

All your uplifting comments have made me feel so much better. Especially Stephanie. Thank you so much, darling. You even made me smile; ALL of you did! I love you bunches.

Reasons

2010-12-13T11:03:00.000-08:00

Here's what my last whiny post was all about: I told you i'd give you the details and reasons, so here they are.

I wake up, and i don't want to. I don't want to be awake, don't want to move, don't want to function. But i have to...
So i get up, get dressed and get into Sherry's car to go to work (because once again, my car is broke down). I'm tired of her bitching, tired of her pointing out what everyone else does wrong, tired of her in general. But she's nice enough to put a roof over my head and give me a ride when my car is down, so i deal with it... and hear her tell me that the man i'm more proud of than anything is "slacking" and should have got up early in the morning to fix the car. I do my best to defend him, but i know she's not listening to my defenses. She's only listening to herself as usual.
Then i get to work and have to fake a smile while i'm there. I have to pretend to be normal and happy, all the while feeling so much inexplainable emotional hurt. Top that off with Sherry (who is also one of my bosses) making me feel as if i don't have a clue what i'm doing as manager (i just got promoted about 2 weeks ago) even though i've told her a million times that i do know. I've done it myself for an entire week now; i've got it down. It just makes me feel helpless:
I mean, think about it, i'm incapable of having the money for my own home; incapable of being a normal person in many regards; incapable of following Ana as i should; and according to her, i'm incapable of doing to paperwork and positioning the crew... and then...
I come home, still feeling helpless, mind you, to see Jacob hurting, and there isn't a damn thing i can do to ease his pain. I really AM weak and helpless, the exact opposite of what i really long to be. To top that all off, i'm so weak and selfishly helpless, that rather than try to focus on him and his hurt, i focus on me and my own and break down crying for an hour and a half. All eyes on me!
Selfish bitch.
But wait, there's more!
On the ride back from work, Sherry planted some odd seed of distrust in my already aching heart. She talks about her past drug usage--don't ask me why, i don't have a fucking clue, but she always talks about it with me. "I don't mean to worry you," she says, "But i think Jacob might be doing something behind your back."
"Don't be ridiculous," i reply. "He doesn't hide anything from me. He tells me absolutely everything. And even if he did hide things, there's no way he could do that; he has nowhere to get the money for it. I have access to all of his money, and he has access to all of mine. We both know exactly where all the money goes."
She shakes her head. "There's been a few times when mike and i have just watched him and thought he's on something. You've gotta admit, the other night when i mentioned this to you before, he was definitely acting weird."
I shrug. "He just wanted to sleep because he didn't sleep much the night before. He wouldn't do that to me," i say, but my brain argues with itself. Should i talk to him about it? no, i know better than to think he'd do that. that's just dumb... i don't know...
When i first walk through the door,that's still on my mind. I watch him suspiciously (how awful! I should be so much more trusting of the one i've given my hand in marraige). Is he acting odd? a bit sluggish, but he's just tired. it's late. clumsy... he must be fucked up! and then i find out it's because he's hurting. I overreact to everything; look at that: another sign of stupidity and weakness. What the hell is wrong with me?

So Tired...

2010-12-12T13:46:00.000-08:00

But i slept plenty last night. I'm so tired... and i think that's just because i'm tired of life. There's so much drama in this household. Constant anger and screaming. I hate it. I can't be around it; it makes me want to cut so fucking bad. Last night i cried for an hour or more. God, i want to cut!
I wish i was exaggerating when i tell you that i'm seriously considering selling myself on the street corner so we can have our own place to live... but i'm not. If Jacob didn't have a problem with it, i really would do just that.
Fuck my life. Fuck it. I don't know how to deal with it.
I'm fat on top of all of that, and i don't know how to fix it right now. I'm just going to try to get through the damn holiday in one piece, and then i really will tear myself apart with Ana's help.
But for now, just fuck it all...
I promise i'll give you a full update as to why i'm feeling this way sometime soon... I'm sorry. This is such a shitty, whiny post. I'm sorry, loves.

All Apologies

2010-12-07T12:48:00.000-08:00

I'm so sorry, darlings.... I have no excuse whatsoever for not catching up on all of your blogs, for not commenting on all of your blogs, for not reading all of your most recent posts, and then for not staying caught up on all of your blogs. I've just been so down in the dumps, and i feel overwhelmed by all the catching up i have to do here. Then my ADD kicks in, and as a horrible person, i say, i can't.... I'm so sorry everyone. I really do still love you, i promise. And i always will, i promise.

Ana Sang This Song to Me

2010-12-04T11:54:00.000-08:00

Skin & Bones by Romance on a Rocketship

I know i'm nothing but skin and bones
But i sure think you're beautiful
With your long, long hair
And your big blue eyes
I'm thinkin' bout makin' you mine tonight (2x)

Hush your lips
Cuz i'm about to speak up.
If i talk real slow, do you think you can keep up
With me this time,
Or am i our of line?
I'm tryin' to be a gentleman,
So please don't make me ask again.
Yeah, i got a lot of nerve comin' after you,
But you're the only thing that's on my mind,
So what's a boy to do?
So let me keep this short and sweet:
You're the prettiest thing that i ever did see.

I know i'm nothing but skin and bones
But i sure think you're beautiful
With your long, long hair
And your big blue eyes
I'm thinkin' bout makin' you mine tonight (2x)

Don't let me go if i'm dangling
High above the world where the angels sing.
Back it up;
Let's turn this train around.
Let's get this party hoppin'
Till we're shakin' the ground.
When the ground starts shaking,
I'll be there to hold you tight;
Don't worry bout a thing
Cuz everything'll be alright.
Let me keep this short and sweet:
There's not a lot i wouldn't do to sweep you off your feet.

I know i'm nothing but skin and bones
But i sure think you're beautiful
With your long, long hair
And your big blue eyes
I'm thinkin' bout makin' you mine tonight (2x)

Don't let me go,
Baby, please don't let me go..

I smiled and danced while she sang. I'm not sure if i believe that she thinks i'm beautiful; i certainly don't see it, but for a moment, i almost did see it, and i felt lovely. She smiled and hugged me. "You are beautiful," she said softly as she kissed my forehead. "Don't think you're not. I'm just trying to help you become even more beautiful."
I nodded. Perhaps i understood. "Do you love me?" i asked.
She nodded. "More than you could ever imagine," was her reply. "And you're doing better than you think you're doing. You only eat one small meal a day; that's impressive. People think you never eat--even more impressive. Hang in there. Once you begin to work out again, you'll be nothing but skin and bones too."
My smile took up my entire face, and my hug tightly squeezed her prominent bones. I believed her, and for the first time in a long time, i was happy again.

What can i do?

2010-12-02T12:48:00.000-08:00

I'm going to talk to my mom about paying for me to see a doctor about my depression. I don't know why it's here, but it won't go away. I slept until 2PM today because i couldn't bear the thought of getting up. Help me....

It's Okay

2010-11-29T09:51:00.000-08:00

If i say it enough, maybe i'll believe it: It's OK. I'm just tired. Little pointless things make me cry (or want to; i'm too stubborn to actually let the tears come). Yesterday i woke wanting to cut, and that longing stayed with me all day. It's still there today, just more subtle. The crazy part is that i have no idea why. I mean, sure, i'm tired of not having my own house to live in, and i'm tired of being fat (even though that's my own dumb fault), but that's no excuse for being so emotional and dumb like i am right now. Everything either pisses me off or makes me want to hide away and cry. I don't know what the hell to do. BUT IT'S OK! Saying that will help.... right?

Quickie

2010-11-24T21:03:00.000-08:00

You all always make me smile. All of my fellow American anas, good luck with the Thanksgiving feast... Try not to push yourselves too hard or punish yourselves; one day slightly off your diet won't ruin everything, regardless of what Ana tries to tell you. Hang in there; stay strong, and just for one day, believe that you are beautiful. I love you all so much; hopefully i'll fully update soon. XOXO

2010-11-22T12:24:00.001-08:00

Hi... It's been so long. I miss you all so much, but it's hard to update when i don't even know where i'm spending the night. I've found a place to stay for a while now, and i know i'll be able to stay as long as i need to until Jacob and i get on our feet financially, but... she has two little girls, and they're so curious. I don't want them to find out about this and acquire Ana for themselves, so i've got to be careful and make sure that no one but Jacob and i are here when i do update. It sucks... but i'm here and updating, so that's a plus.
I've gained... Don't want to talk about it. I'm disgusting... and i don't even know where to begin to fix it, so i'm just gonna leave that out.
I saw a girl working at a gas station... she was skinny and lovely. She looked at me as if she knew me and smiled. I looked away quickly. Then when we went up to pay for our stuff, i noticed her name tag: "Ana". I looked at her in awe, and she smiled at me again. I shyly smiled back then hung my head, knowing that i'd failed Ana many times... Was she our Ana? I didn't know she really existed in the flesh, but the way she looked at me made me believe that she just might. I don't know. Maybe i'm just going crazy.
I've been having so many Ana-related dreams of late. Some are beautiful, and i want to stay in them forever and never wake up, but others are terrifying. Do any of you have those dreams often... or even occasionally?
Also, a shout out to anyone looking for a new blog to follow: Newbie is new here (as the name tells you), and feeling lonely. Swing by http://newbieatlife.blogspot.com/his blog and show some love and follow.

Many Questions and Few Answers

2010-10-28T09:11:00.000-07:00

Is it wrong that thinspo pictures don't look skinny to me; they just look normal? Is it wrong that normal people, even normal actresses, don't look normal to me; they just look way too big? Is it wrong that health doesn't sound as appealing to me as thin sickness? Is it wrong that i blame all the problems in my life on my pudge and Ana's punishment for eating? Is my brain all wrong? Or is it just right? That's how Ana wants me to be, isn't it? Is it wrong to follow her?

You Have My Heart

2010-10-27T17:38:00.000-07:00

I'm back for now. I should be able to catch up and post more often... because once again we've had to move. Jacob's sister stole my ipod and my immature response was to tear down the pictures on her wall and burn them. Yes, it may have been over-reacting, but she's stolen so much from me and the ipod was the last straw. (Fortunately, i got it back though.) Anyway, she was quite upset that i did that and said she was going to go live with her dad. Her mother is mad at Jacob and i for "making her lose her daughter" and doesn't want us staying there anymore. BUT now we're living with his aunt, who has internet access... till we can find our own place. So i'm back.
Anyways, i've been doing truly awful with eating.... stress eating a lot. So i'm not in the mood to update on that failure... sorry.
But i just got here and read all of your comments. I was in a badly depressed mood, and then i read your comments. I LOVE YOU PEOPLE! You made me smile so much, and i feel so much better. Thank you for your love. *hugs*

...hi...

2010-10-14T18:06:00.000-07:00

I know i know, i said i was gonna post more often and now i'm not... but we got kicked out of the place we were living for drama that didn't even happen so once again my world is kinda upside down and i've got so much going on. Just know that i haven't forgotten you all and i love you insanely. Jacob can always tell when i get online whether i'm blogging or not because when i am i have a smile. I promise to update you more here sometime soon. Hugs and love to all of you!

Epic Fail... As Usual

2010-10-04T11:39:00.000-07:00

Well... Posting more often hasn't exactly happened, now has it? I've just been working so much that once i get back from work, i want to avoid all human contact--not you all, but the people whose houses i'd have to go to to get internet access. I'm sorry. I've been picking up all the extra work hours i could because Jacob no longer has a job (he didn't get fired; he quit because his boss kept not paying him), so i'm the one supporting us until he can find another one. Talk about stress... I don't know how the hell we're paying our rent this month... I don't know how we're buying anything that we actually do need. I mean, i guess that's good on the food front, but then again, not really... because all the food that we can afford is the fattening stuff. Have any of you noticed that healthy food is expensive and unhealthy food is cheap? It sucks... But enough of my whining...
A posative thing that has happened is that Jacob finally bought me a mirror--i know, i know, we couldn't really afford it, but i NEEDED it! So at least i know what i look like now. Not sure if it's good or bad. I'm not as fat as i feel, but i'm not as thin as i wish to be either. I'm that dreaded word: "average" and that's the last thing i want to be... Well, maybe it's better than being fat... but i don't know. I think they're about equal. Oh dear, there i go whining again! I'll stop that now, i promise. You're probably thinking, "Just shut up, stop the crying, and tell us the story now, Jo!" So here it is, the story form part of the post that you all were waiting for.

My hands trembled as i went into the bathroom. I could feel it, something that i should NOT be feeling. "If you weren't such a fat, greedy food whore, you wouldn't be feeling this at all," Ana told me. "If you'd just listen to me and stop eating 'normal' amounts, you'd be fine."
I shook my head. "I know," i whispered shamefully. "Can you hand me that box of tampons?" My period had come back. There was enough fat on my body to bring it back.
Ana rolled her eyes and did as i had asked her with a scronful snarl. "When are you going to start listening to me, and stop listening to your stomach?"
I shrugged. "Now, i hope...."

Sorry... That was short... but my creativity is kind of dead at the moment... I'll try to post more often, and better. I love you all!
Oh! And here's my newest goal: I want to be a skeleton for Halloween, and i really don't mean by a costume.
Here's a poem i randomly wrote one night. Please, don't take it the wrong way; i really am only talking about Ana. I could never cheat on my Jacob with someone else.

What am i doing?
I'm cheating on my true love
With my first love.
I've got to get away from her;
She's wrecking my life.
She slaps, she bites, and keeps me
under a fucking knife.
I've got to leave her,
But i can't because she says she'll die,
And for some reason,
i've got to keep her alive.

Song Lyrics and Ana

2010-09-22T18:31:00.000-07:00

I relate this song so much to the way i feel about Ana... I thought i'd share it with you all:

Silverstein-The Ides of March

Tie me up with sheets, and hang me from your tree
I'll stay out here all night, it doesn't even matter
As long as I can see, into your room and feel
Like I'm inside your life, I'll follow you forever

Don't cut me down just yet, I'll make things right again
Don't close your blinds on me, on me...

I will never recover from this
I will never believe in this again
And I can never go back to the way I used to be before this started

The snow won't go away, My nose runs down my face
No one sees me here, It doesn't even matter
And every step I take, I stay in the same place
I can't begin to start again why can't I just be perfect?

I will never recover from this
I will never believe in this again
I can never go back to the way I used to be before this started

I will never recover from this
I will never believe in this again
I can never go back to the way I used to be before this started

You see my ghost and you'll never forget it
My face is as white as the snow that haunts me
Your windows my door and nothing can stop me
Sometimes betrayal can make you happy

Don't cut me down just yet, I'll make things right again
Don't close your blinds on me, on me...

I will never recover from this
I will never believe in this again
I can never go back to the way I used to be before this started

I will never recover from this
I will never believe in this again
I can never go back to the way I used to be before this started

Mirrors and Smoke

2010-09-21T09:07:00.001-07:00

Guess what, everyone! I'm back again--that's two days in a row! Well, i'm excited about it. Oh, and i got Jacob to promise me that i'd be able to have computer access at least once a week but closer to every other day. I can update you all and catch up on you and comment and everything again now. Do you know how friggin excited that makes me?! I got 3 comments on my last post and started geeking out just because you all's words make me so happy. I love you all INSANE amounts. Seriously, you make my days much brighter than they would have been without you.
Unfortunately, my update on myself isn't the best this time around... I've definitely got some mental issues... but i'll give you that update in story form.

I'd gone so long without a mirror that would show me my body that i'd forgotten what it looked like, how awful it really was. Sure, Ana reminded me all the time that it was horrid, but Jacob was always telling me that it was beautiful. I'd decided that they both had a prejudice opinnion and that i must be in between the two: just average. But as i wandered into the bathroom at work to clean it while closing down the store, the mirrors caught my eye. They would show me from my hips up! I walked over in front of one and shivered. Did my stomach really look like that or was it just the shirt bugging out and making it look like there was a lot of fat there.
"Don't blame the shirt," Ana whispered in my ear and lifted my shirt . "It's all of your body."
I stared in horror. "I don't eat enough for it to look like that," i said. "And Jacob always tells me i'm beautiful--"
"He's lying, trying to take you from me," Ana told me.
"Jacob wouldn't lie..." i countered, but as i looked at my reflection, i knew that he must be. I look horrible.
"You've got to come back closer to me, Jo," Ana said. "I'll make you skinny, so that you deserve his compliments."
I nodded. "I will," i told her.... but then on the ride home, i binged while driving, C (also known as Compulsive Overeating) whispering in my ear that it was fine. "It doesn't matter; you're fat already," she said.
I cried. This had to stop. I threw the rest of the food out the car window. "Get away from me," i hissed at C. I'm going back to Ana; i swear it!"
C glared at me. "I wanted that food, you dimwit!" she shouted.
"Leave!" i shouted back.
And with one last dirty look, she left. Mia took her place. "Pull over, throw up alongside the road. I know you feel full enough that it'll probably work out just fine. Come on, at least try."
So i did.
"Good job, hunny," she said patting my back and kissing my cheek. "Good job." Then she too was gone.
"Ana!" i screamed. "I need you!"

From Short Update to Gigantic Update

2010-09-20T11:10:00.000-07:00

I've missed you all SOOOO insanely much. And so much has happened that i wanted to tell you all about since my last post that i don't even know where to begin, and i'm worried that i'll forget to tell you something important that has happened, but here i go anyway:
I'm married to Jacob! Which is incredible. It really truly is. He's the most understanding, loving, and helpful man i could have ever wished for. We were married on August 24th, as planned, and it was lovely. We both cried, but it was the best kind of tears. It really was wonderful...even though i felt like i was too fat to be in the dress. I couldn't see how i looked good in the dress at all; all i could see was my stomach pushing out in the dress and my icky fat arms uncovered by the tube-top. But honestly, i forgot that once i walked up to say "i do." I really wish i could share some pictures with you, but as it is, i haven't even seen any of them yet. My friend has them all on his camera and hasn't given them to me yet. GRR. But yeah, i promise i eventually will share them with you.
We're no longer living with Brad. He happened to steal about $50 from us... which Jacob had hidden in my underwear drawer which rather creeped us both out and pissed us both off. We would have stayed and put up with that anyway because even that would be better than going back to Jacob's mom's house, but then Brad lost the house, so none of any of us could stay. However, luck was on our side and we didn't have to go back to Jacob's mom's house. Now we're renting the upstairs off an older couple who Jacob had made friends with beforehand, and that's going quite well.
Weight loss... seems to be more weight maintainance at the moment... but then again, i haven't really been trying as hard as i could for a loss. I've been eating more like two or three times a day than one like i should be. :/ I'm going to fix that though. I've got a little black notebook that i keep stashed in my purse that i'm turning into a food journal so i can keep track of what i'm eating rather than just not caring and maintaining, which i would swear is gaining, but Jacob says isn't gaining at all. I swear it's a gain though... really i do.
I guess it's hard for me to tell if i've gained or maintained though, because the only mirror in the house we're living in now shows me nothing but my neck and face, not even my shoulders and arms. It's horrifying to me to not have a clue what i look like. Also, there's no scale anywhere at all, so i can't tell you (or me) what i weigh now, which is another thing that is absolutely terrifying to me. Jacob has promised to buy me a full length mirror...it's just taking forever for that to happen.
Oh, and something happened to me just two days ago that i wanted to share with you all. I was sitting there that evening talking with the woman who owns the house we're renting the upstairs of, and somehow the subject turned to food and eating habits. I told her that i "used to have an eating disorder, but am now more or less recovered" (lies are always laced with truth). She asked more about it and i told her it was kind of like an extrememly mild anorexia. Told her i didn't know why it started, no one had ever called me fat, in fact people always told me i was skinny. Her response to that was "oh, no, you're not too skinny! you look good." I tried to be ok with those words. She said i looked good.... but she'd also told me i wasn't skinny.... and that hurt me like hell, and it's been bothering me ever since. In fact, i think that might be what triggered me to start the food journal up again.
Do you all remember those bruises that were showing up on my legs and freaking me out because i didn't know why or how? (Yes, i'm jumping madly from subject to subject.) Well, i got a lot of comments telling me that it was probably anemia, so i got some iron vitamins and started taking them every day, and the bruising went away, so that must have been the issue... But here's the fucked up part: i want the bruises back, so i stopped taking the vitamins. I miss having bruises all over my legs, and i'm excited for the vitamins' effect to wear off so i get them back... And i have no idea why. I wish i could understand my mind sometimes...
Hmmm.... I'm racking my brain to try to remember if there was anything else i wanted to share with you all.... But i think that might be it for now, so i'll leave you with all of my love and all of my thoughts along with this short little story-form post:

I staggered wearily into the bedroom. An eight hour day of all work and no food had taken quite a toll on me. Ana said taht fact made me weak and pathetic, but i held my head high, simply proud that i'd managed to abstain from food for that long.
Jacob smiled up at me from his place in front of the TV. "Notice anything different?" he asked after kissing me to welcome me back home.
I nodded. "You cleaned the room up. It looks really good."
He nodded proudly, then picked up his controller and resumed his video game. I yawned and made my way downstairs to get a bottle of water--only the water, no food. If i got food, i'd look weak, needy, and god-forbid, human! So i went back to the bedroom with only my water bottle... and snapped...
The bag that i'd bought from modeling school had been in plain sight (in the middle of the floor and very much in the way, sure, but still, easy to find) before i left for work, but now it was gone, and i didn't know where it or its contents were. Somehow, that greatly bothered me. "Where's my bag?" i asked Jacob.
"In the closet," was his reply.
"Why would you put it there before i could even unpack it?! All of my make up is in it and so is my straightener. I need that stuff. It better not have fallen out on the floor," i growled, but didn't bother to check. Instead i went to the dresser to get the cigarettes i'd left on top of it. They were gone. "What the fuck, Jacob?!" i cried. "Why did you smoke my cigarettes? I got them for me! You had your won. Besides, you're supposed to be quitting. How the hell is it quitting to smoke all of your cigarettes and all of mine? What the fuck?!" With that i collapsed on to the bed and started to cry.
My ever-patient husband dropped his game controller and wrapped his arms around me. "Baby, don't cry... I'm sorry. Please don't cry," he crooned. "Tell me what's wrong, sweetheart."
"I need a cigarette," i sobbed, followed by, "and i need a mirror... and my blog... and i really, really need a fucking scale!"
"You're needy as hell," Ana scolded.
"But i NEED it," i whimpered and continued my crying.
What on earth is wrong with me?

Once Again, A Short Update

2010-08-23T00:05:00.000-07:00

Oh my dears, i miss you all so much. Honestly, i've shed a few tears just because i miss you all so much. My thoughts and my heart is with you all.
If i had the energy or presence of mind, i'd give you another enormous post to let you know what all's going on with me... but seeing as it's 3 AM and i'm running on only one bowl of cream of wheat for the entire day, i'm feeling exhausted and lightheaded and not altogether here. But just know this: weight loss is going well, exercise is going well, not eating too much is... semi-acceptable, and life outside of Ana's realm is insane! Seriously, everything has been so complicated and upsetting... but it can only get better, right?
Oh, guess what! I'm about to be married!!! One more day and i'll be Jacob's wife. :) Can't wait. I'll definitely post pictures when i get them and can get to a computer where i can post them. I can't wait to show you all that either.
But yeah... i'm off to try to get some sleep now. I love you all intense amounts! Stay strong and keep on doing well.

Short Update

2010-08-14T18:26:00.000-07:00

I'm still around... Just not really able to get to internet access much. I miss you all more than anything in the entire world! Leave me comments and tell me what's new with you. I love you very much!
But yeah... I'm still here... still stressing... Life is crap sometimes, but i'm gonna keep my fingers crossed and it should get better soon. I hope.
Hugs and love to all. Your comments on my last post made me smile when i felt like crying before i read them all. You're all dears.

Ginormous Post

2010-08-04T17:48:00.000-07:00

Hello there, lovelies. I've got internet access for a few hours thanks to Jacob's friend (mine too, i suppose, even though i just met him not very long ago), so i'm about to write you all a story form post, and update you all on what's going on, and then try my best to get read up on you all's blogs.

The alarm kept beeping. I groaned and rolled over to hit the snooze button for the hundredth time, but the alarm clock wasn't by my bed where it was last time. "What in the world?" i muttered to myself as i groped blindly to find my glasses.
Then i heard Ana giggling. "Come find your alarm clock, Jo," she challenged me.
I shook my head and laughed a little bit; i knew exactly where she and the alarm clock were. I walked into the room that held the treadmill and all of my other workout equipment. Sure enough, there she was, holding the alarm clock as she sat on the stability ball. She smiled at me and turned the alarm off. "You found me quickly," she observed. "How'd you know where i was?"
"Lucky guess," i replied. "I figured you'd be saying it's time to stop being lazy and start using the workout equipment."
"Right on!" she said with a smile. "Treadmill first?"
I nodded my consent and started my pathetic workout. It only lasted for half an hour, but it'd been so long since i'd done any workout, that that half hour wore me out to the point that i thought i'd be sick. When a half hour was up, i begged Ana to let me quit for the day. She consented only under the agreement that i would NOT stop working out on a daily basis.
I agreed, wanting to build up my strength, and somehow, feel strong again. "I'll get there," i promised myself.
Ana hugged me from behind. "Yes, you will. And i'll be there for you every step of the way."

Ok, that's the story form part of this intensely long post. Now for the update on what's going on in my life: Life is kind of crappy at the moment... I mean, i'm glad to be living with Brad. It's much much better than living with Jacob's family, but everything else seems to be going horribly. I'm stressing out like crazy about paying the few bills we have, and Jacob just lost his job simply because they needed to cut back on staff, so i'm the only one bringing in money until he manages to find another job...in this economy where it's impossible to find a job... Yeah, that's a ton of stress. He insisted on ordering my wedding dress last night though, because he knows how much i want it. "I'll make sure it's all ok, i promise." Those are his exact words. I trust him, but it's hard to believe him on that, ya know? I'm just really worried about it...
Also, i've had to wear my glasses because the stupid eye doctor has been on vacation (or something like that, that i couldn't get an appointment to get my contacts.) I thought i had an appointment today, but then they called and cancelled it. Woo-freakin-hoo! I hate my glasses because i can't see as well with them. I know, not a big deal, but it added to my stressing.
We're also completely broke at the moment. Don't even have gas money until i get paid on friday, so guess what i'm doing. Right! I'm worring about running out of gas on my way to work or home. We didn't have money to buy much safe food for me either, so i'm still eating whatever until we somehow get some money to go grocery shopping, so i'm stressing about not eating right... Yeah, i'm being a drama-queen there in many people's eyes, but you all understand, right?
Also, the car is being stupid. It needs a bunch of parts replaced, which is something else we don't have money for. The window doesn't go up anymore, so it's stuck down until we get a new alternator. Lovely in the rain... So yeah, i'm stressing about the car breaking down because there's a bunch of other stuff that needs replaced on it too.
I'm freaking out because i've got a billion bruises (ok, not a billion but.... let me count... 16) covering my legs and i don't have a clue where they came from. Are there any illnesses that can cause bruises to just appear-or appear easily? I'm worried that something's going on there.
My period has skipped a month now as well, and the pregnancy test (actually two of them) came back negative. I mean, i guess that's good as far as showing me that i'm eating little enough, but... Jacob and i do want a child eventually, but i'm afraid to eat enough to get my period to come back and getting fat so i can have that child... i don't know... Stupid worries there, huh?
Anyway, all that stress has led me to a couple of binges.... Peanut butter is something we do have in our house, and ya'll know how i work when i'm around that stuff... so yeah... Life is kinda stressful for me right now, but i'm trying my best to deal with it. It'll get better soon, right? Right? Oh, i hope so.
I need your hugs and love so i'm sending a ton of my hugs and love out to you all! And now i'm off to try to catch up on your blogs. I LOVE YOU!!!

2010-08-03T23:16:00.000-07:00

I'm still here, and doing... ok... It's hard for me to get to a computer... and i don't have much time when i do... But i love and miss you all very much. Just know that i'm doing all right and thinking of you all.

Update: I'm Still Here; Going Nowhere

2010-07-30T17:17:00.000-07:00

I know... i know... it seems as if i've dropped off the face of the earth these past few days. It feels that way too. Our internet was shut off because we didn't have the money to pay the bill, so i haven't been able to get on here and update my blog or read any of yours for far too long.
But once again, i'm going to be boring and not write in story-form because i'm waaaay too tired. I'm running on 30 minutes of sleep, a pot of coffee, and eight and a half hours of work. It's been quite a long tiring day.
But good news: Jacob and i will be moving out of his mom's house this weekend--without having to pay rent where we're going to be living. We're moving in with our friend Brad who lives alone in a 3 bedroom house and is more than willing to share. Know what that means? I'll be able to work out! And i'll be able to have safe food! And we'll be able to buy our wedding outfits in time to get married on August 24th! So much awesomeness there. I feel insanely blessed to have a friend like Brad.
Oh, and other good news, i'm getting tinier, and i can feel it... Well, i can feel it sometimes. Other times i feel huge... But you all know how that is. Anyways, there's evidence that i really am getting smaller: a pair of pants that i couldn't button a week ago now fit me quite nicely. Here soon, they'll be loose, and i can also see my ribs quite easily. :) Life is good.
Well, now i'm off to catch up reading all of your blogs. I love you all very much! Stay strong, think thin. Give yourselves some love for me.

True Love (to you all)

2010-07-26T19:45:00.000-07:00

I love you people so much.

You're comments saved me from having a total breakdown and enormous cut session after that binge. You all are my saving angels.

Marcus, you even managed to make me smile with the first four words of your last comment, and the smile just kept getting bigger as i kept reading. You even passed some of that glorious optimism onto me. Thank you.

Seriously, girls and guys, you're amazing to me. Without you... I'd be nowhere.

Failure Always Follows Success

2010-07-26T08:21:00.000-07:00

So.. I woke up this morning and had the house to myself.... We all know what happens when i have the house to myself: binging. I excused it for myself because i'd been doing so very well the past two days, and also i woke up with that feeling like something bad was going to happen, so i drowned the worry coming from that feeling with food. Two PB&J sandwiches, two apple cinnamon rice cakes, and a chicken patty sandwich later, i still wanted more, but was embarrassed that i was using up so much bread. I wanted to hide the binge, of course, and that much less bread later, it was going to be a bit hard. So i skipped the bread and made a sandwich of two slices of cheese with ranch in between (weird as hell, i know). Ugh. I'm a ridiculous, pathetic, fat food-whore. I wish i knew how to purge. I've tried all the different tricks... and none of them work for me. But after failure like that, i don't deserve to get rid of the fat i put on myself; it's a just punishment for my ridiculous weakness.
Oh, and to everyone who disapproves of my blog and Ana, but keeps on reading and trying to shove food down my throat to make me fat under the pretense of caring about me, i'm going to ask you once nicely: just leave.

Progress

2010-07-24T15:37:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna start off by showing you all my gorgeous tat again. This picture's a lot better quality than the last one.... just ignore the chub... i wasn't sucking my stomach in when this was taken. icky, i know... Now onto the actual point of this post:

I sat down on the edge of the bed in satisfaction. "Happy?" i smugly asked Ana.
She smiled and laughed a little bit at my childish pleasure. "Actually, i am," she responded.
I kept grinning. "Happy?" i asked Jacob.
He nodded. "I am. You ate once today, and that's all i asked."
"Good," i said, and fell sound asleep after working for eight hours without a 15 second break, but only eating only half of a chicken wrap all day.
It was definitely progress from the multiple meals and snacks i'd been having for the past few days. And i was proud of that progress. Soon, my pants would be even looser, and nothing in this world could be better than that in my mind.

Somebody Save Me from Myself

2010-07-22T16:04:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's wrong with me here of late. I've been so bloody moody for no reason. I just get angry at the smallest things, and then the littlest issue will make me break down and cry. You can also make me smile and be insanely happy quite easily.
... And i've been using emotional eating to deal with it much more than i should. Ok, not a lot, just today, but still, that's a lot to me! I just sat there and ate a chicken patty to make Jacob happy. It filled me up perfectly, and there was no more hunger. But then Jacob went to work and i stayed in front of the TV and ate a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and a quarter of a bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos. THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH JUNK FOOD! Especially considering just a couple hours before that i broke down crying because there was no "safe food" in the entire house for me to eat instead of that friggin' chicken patty.
Ana wants to kill me for just doing that... She keeps telling me that i'm fat and ugly and pathetic... And i don't even want to have to admit to Jacob that i ate his junk food stash... I wouldn't be having any of those problems if i'd just kept myself under control on the eating front, so i DO deserve it, but.... UGH!
And, goddammit, i just want more sugary food!
Sorry for the rant.... I'll calm down now and go read your lovely blogs. i'm sure ya'll are doing much better than me. Keep that up, and i'll try to catch up with you on it. I love you.

Tattoo

2010-07-21T19:38:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone... Once again, i'm too lazy and tired to put this post in story form, but i figured i'd update you all on how it's going for me. Remember that tattoo i used to have? The heart with a rose through it that looked...pretty much like shit? Well, i got it covered with this raven and rose, which i believe looks AWESOME. Except for the pudge on my stomach... that's not quite so awesome... My one friend said i looked too skinny as soon as she saw this picture, but i've gotta disagree with her on that one. I can't see anything but my fat gut. Ugh.
Anyways, as far as following Ana and making a compromise with Jacob.... Yeah... That's kinda difficult. He said he'd take me to the store to get healthy food, but he hasn't yet. He said he was gonna move the bed in the room we're sharing so i could work out every day, but he hasn't. I guess i'm just gonna have to be demanding of him and nudge him to get those things done if i want them....which, i really really do.
A couple new blogs to check out: The Crazy Rose and Lighter Dreams.
Anyways, i'll have more time to update tomorrow. I hope you're all doing well, staying strong and feeling fabulous. I send you all my love and hugs!

Break Down

2010-07-18T19:08:00.000-07:00

"You're fat; you're fat; you're fat," Ana kept chanting in my ear. "You're fat; that skirt doesn't look good on you at all because you're fat. Do you hear me, Jo? FAT!"
I couldn't ignore her, especially seeing that she was absolutely right. With the way Jacob had been making me eat, the bones that had begun to show were once again hidden. My stomach pudge was back; my arms were too big, and my thighs touched at the top. "I know," i whispered. "I want to change it..." But i didn't know how i could change it. Jacob wasn't going to let me eat less. I couldn't work out when i had nowhere to do so, not in the house we were living in. There was nowhere i could go that people wouldn't be able to watch me, which i could have somehow dealt with, but there was also nowhere to go that the kids wouldn't get in the way. How can you work out when there's kids running around you, stealing your equipment and getting in the way?
"What's wrong, sweetheart?" Jacob asked me.
I shook my head. "Nothing." Nothing he wanted to hear anyway...
"Something," he replied. "I can see that something's on your mind. Just tell me, please. I want to make you feel better."
Ana snorted. "All you do is make her feel worse," she snapped at him.
I bit my lip, trying to keep from yelling at her. "Don't mess with my Jacob," i said.
"I just stated a fact."
I rolled my eyes at her and turned to him. "Do you really want to know?" i asked.
He nodded. "Of course, baby-girl."
I was blunt. "All i eat anymore is shit-food. There's no healthiness in any of it. And on top of that, i can't work out because it'd just be impossible. I can feel and see myself gaining weight, and i can't handle it. It's killing me!"
He frowned. "Ok, we can go to the grocery store and get you healthy food. You just have to tell me what you want."
I shook my head. "No, what i want isn't good enough for you. I only want fruit and vegetables and salad, and in your eyes that's not eating enough."
He nodded. "Ok..." he muttered. "We'll do whatever it takes to make you happy... But you have to keep eating at least once a day. That'll be the only thing i require of you. I promise."
My eyes filled with tears. "I can't work out," i said.
"I know..." At least he understood that without me going through a huge explanation. "I'm sorry. We'll have our own place soon, and then you'll be able to."
I only nodded and blinked back the tears. I felt so selfish... but i was tired of waiting...

**Oh, check this out! I'm an addict. :) Thanks to SBB for giving me this awesome award.

Five likes: 1)blogging and reading blogs of course 2)listening to and singing to all different kinds of music 3)hugs! 4)stargazing 5)dressing up and attempting to make myself look pretty
Five dislikes: 1)rude hateful anonymous comments 2)the house i'm living in 3)pretending to be happy just to make the people who see you happy 4)not getting enough sleep 5)food

Jacob and Ana Fight

2010-07-15T22:13:00.000-07:00

"Wow, baby, i can see all of your bones!" Jacob said as he massaged my back.
I smiled. "Can you seriously?"
Ana smiled too. "A little bit," she said. "You're looking so great."
Jacob nodded. "Yeah... You need to eat more. Seeing that much bone worries me."
I shook my head violently. "No, hun. It's just because i'm more active! I haven't been eating less, and i still eat one meal a day. Besides, those bones are a good thing; they make me happy."
"I don't know, baby-girl... I'd feel better if you'd eat more," he said.
And from that point on, Jacob kept fighting against Ana's and my wishes concerning food. He didn't go back on his word about only one meal a day, but that meal increased its size quite drastically and lost it's "safe food" qualities. I tried not to fight him, and Ana tried to get me to fight him.
"That man is trying to make you fat," Ana accused.
"No, no, he's just easily worried about me," i replied, but at the same time, i rather believed that what she's said was true, and i sank into a pit of misery from eating too much.

**That pit of misery is where i am right now... I'm so horribly moody and bitchy, and i know it's from eating enough to lose a bit of sight of those bones i was so proud to begin to see again. I must go back to the one SMALL, SAFE meal a day.**

Still Here

2010-07-13T15:16:00.001-07:00

I haven't updated in quite a while, i know. And i'm quite sorry. It's just been insanely busy around here of late. I'm still here, and i'm still doing well. I'll give you a better update and catch up on reading and commenting your blogs ASAP, i promise. I love you all VERY VERY much. Once again, your comments made my day.

Tired Again

2010-07-11T14:17:00.000-07:00

Sorry, everyone, i'm WAY too worn out to write in story form. I'm not really sure why... I mean, i went to bed around 7:00 last night, but then again, i did keep waking up every hour because Jacob wasn't there. He was working... I expected him home at 1:00 at the very latest, but he didn't get home until 4:00, so when i woke up at 1:00 and he wasn't there, there was no more sleeping for me, just sitting up worrying. It kind of massively pissed me off that he didn't even call me and let me know how late he was going to be, but whatever, i'm not going to whine and cry about the man that has carried me through hard times many times.
...I did end up cutting last night (this morning, rather) around 3:00... I was just so worried about Jacob that i didn't know what to do with myself. It was the only way i could calm down... He was a bit angry when he found that out, but he didn't get as mad as i thought he would. he just made me promise that it'd never happen again. In return, i made him promise never to be that late without warning me again.
Then this morning i woke up at 9:00 to go to work, and worked until 4:00. ...Wow, i'm just telling you all the exact times that i did everything in this post, huh? Lol. Sorry. I ate one hot pocket before i left, but that's all i'm going to eat today so i don't feel too bad about it. Everyone else in this house ate an entire turkey dinner, but i said forget about that. I'm quite proud of myself for it. :)
My weight is at 121.5 now, so i lost half a pound in one day. I'm certainly OK with that. Ana would like it to be more than that of course, but hey, it's still progress, even if it's small, right? And to answer one of the questions i got in my comments, my "secret" to losing the weight as fast as i am is only eating one meal--which usually consists of 500 or less calories--a day (avoiding even that if i can) and being on my feet for at least 5 hours at work. It's pretty brutal sometimes, but others, it seems almost easy to me. Much much easier than eating normally anyways.
I still need some sketches or something for my Ana-tribute tattoo if any of you all are interested. I didn't get any at all yet. :( Please, please send me some at my email (emofreak5@yahoo.com), OK?
I love you all bunches and bunches! Your comments are my motivation for getting through the day sometimes. *hugs and love to all* Stay strong.

Progress

2010-07-09T16:46:00.000-07:00

I closed my eyes and stepped onto the scale. "Do i dare look at the number?" i asked Ana.
"It's still a little bit high in my opinion," she replied, "but look for yourself."
I shook my head. "I can't. I'm too scared."
"Oh, you great moron!" she said, rolling her eyes and throwing up her hands. "It's down from what it was yesterday. Stop being so pathetic. Look at it! It's progress."
I opened one eye and looked at Ana. "It's down?"
She nodded. "I was just saying that there's still room for more progress."
I looked down at the scale and choked back an excited little giggle. 122.0 the digital numbers said. Close to two weeks ago, those numbers had said 129.5. I clapped my hands together and let the giggle escape. "It's beautiful!" i said.
She shook her head. "Not yet." Then her face softened a bit, "But you are well on your way to making it beautiful." She threw my work pants to me. "Get dressed or you'll be late."
I nodded and went back to the bedroom where Jacob was still lying in bed to put the pants on. I easily slid the pants over my hips and buttoned them without even sucking my stomach in. Once again, i got excited. Those pants had been far too tight a couple weeks ago when Jacob had bought them for me. "Jacob!" i shrieked. "Look at this!" I pulled at the waistline of the buttoned pants. They stood an inch and a half away from my waist. "They're getting too big!"
He half-smiled, happy to see me so happy. "That's it, girl. You're eating breakfast," he teased me.
I continued smiling and shrugged my shoulders. "Nah, i'll eat when i get home from work like you always make me." I didn't want to eat breakfast, for fear that i'd still want to eat when i came home, thus eating more than once that day and killing the progress.
"And it won't be very much either," Ana said.
I nodded to her, and Jacob nodded to me. All was going quite well.

Dinner... And Then A Mirror

2010-07-07T15:13:00.000-07:00

I wanted to eat. Just eat, and not feel bad mentally or physically. Ana told me that a wish like that was only the fat people, but i told her to shut up and asked Jacob if he'd take me to our favorite little cafe to get one of their amazing tasting burgers. Naturally, he was happy to hear that request and took me there right away.
As we sat down at our little table, i took in my surroundings. A very skinny waiter handed us our menus, and asked what we wanted to drink. "Water," i told him, hoping that that would stop Ana's insistent yelling that what i was doing was a bad, bad idea.
"You'll never be as skinny as that man waiting on you if you follow through with this!" she continued. I ignored her and kept watching the people around me. A large woman sat at the table across from ours, eating a nice big plate of cheese-smothered fries. "That's what you're going to look like," Ana hissed in my ear.
An average-sized waitress came over and took our food orders. I went ahead and ordered the hamburger that i'd wanted, along with a small plate of fries that Jacob and i would share. "That waitress is pretty," i told Ana, "and she's not a stick figure."
She shook her head. "Do you know how much better she'd look if she was a stick figure?"
I sighed. She had a good point. "Just let me enjoy this one meal, ok? It's all i'm going to eat today, and i haven't eaten anything like this for over a week."
Once again, she shook her head, but didn't say anything else. I ate in peace, except for the little nagging fear that i was going to become huge from what i was eating... so it really wasn't peace at all. Jacob seemed happy, though, and that helped me to be a bit happier about the unwise decision i had made in eating.
When we got home, Jacob decided he wanted to snuggle. As i lay there in his arms, i couldn't help but wonder... "Do you think i look good enough to ever get a modeling job?" i asked him.
"Of course you do, sweetheart," he replied.
I heard Ana strongly objecting in the background.
"No, you have to be brutally honest. Just as brutally honest as you were about the waiter having an ugly face. Does this body look good enough to go on the pages of a catalog or magazine?"
"No, it doesn't look even close to good enough. It would look a billion times better if you hadn't eaten what you ate today, but even then, the answer is no," Ana told me, using her brutal honesty.
"I was being honest, love," Jacob said. "You are absolutely ravenous, and any catalog or magazine would be making a wonderful choice by putting your beauty on their pages."
"Even after i ate that burger and fries?"
He stood up, helping me get up with him, and let me to stand in front of the mirror. "Look at you. You're perfect."
I stared at my reflection for a minute. All i was wearing was my bra and underwear because it had been to hot to wear more if i was going to be cuddling. So much skin was showing... only skin where there should be bones peeking though... I shook my head and turned away from the mirror. "I'm far from perfect."
Ana nodded in agreement with me, but Jacob kissed my lips and then spun me back around to look in the mirror. He pointed out my hip-bones; he pointed out that my stomach looked fairly toned; he pointed out that my legs looked thinner than they had a month ago. Then he told me, "You are beautiful. I swear it on my life."
I smiled slightly. I could almost believe him.

I Ate... But Does It Count For Anything?

2010-07-03T14:29:00.000-07:00

"Did you eat anything other than that chicken patty i made for you yesterday?" It was the first thing Jacob decided to say to me once we were both awake.
I shook my head. "No."
He frowned.
"But i ate something! You said i only had to eat once a day." I didn't like seeing that frown, especially over something that had made me feel strong and smile a little bit.
He sighed. "I know, but i meant eat something that actually counts as eating. One chicken patty is absolutely nothing."
"It's protein... and carbs from the bread it was on..." i told him.
"And a ton of fatness," Ana chimed in.
He didn't hear her. His response was, "Yeah, but it wasn't very much food at all. I'd say about 200 calories. You know it's not good for you to keep going on that little."
"300 calories, at the least!" Ana shouted in his ear, trying to make her presence known.
He swatted the air next to his head as if he'd heard a fly buzzing around. "Will you eat more than that today?" he asked with beautiful pleading eyes.
I sighed, thinking of the 6 lbs i'd managed to lose, worrying that they'd all jump right back onto me if i ate anything at all, but his beautiful face.... I couldn't tell him no. It was nigh unto impossible. "Ok," i said. "You can choose what i eat today, as long as it's only one meal, and not bad for me."
As soon as the words had left my mouth, Ana slapped me. "You'd best make sure that he doesn't give you too much food at that one meal!"
But Jacob smiled, making me smile a little bit. "Hmmm... What if i make you a giant, juicy steak?" he said playfully.
I wrinkled up my nose. "You know i won't eat that. Besides, i've never liked steak."
"You've just never had it made right. One of these days, i'll get you to try a truly good steak."
"Oh no you won't!" Ana snarled.
I rolled my eyes. "Shush, Ana, he's only joking... i think." Then i turned to Jacob, "You're not going to do that today, are you?"
He shook his head. "I don't know for sure. Maybe," he said with a wink. "After all, it's not really bad for you."
"Bad for my mentality," i replied, playfully pushing him off the bed.
He pulled me onto the floor with him. "Fine, not steak today."
Later on, he made me some sort of odd concoction that had fried potatoes, shredded cheese, and a good bit of veggie stew. "You know that'll go right through me, don't you?" i asked him.
"Why?"
"The oil in the potatoes and the cheese. I'm gonna have the runs..."
"Nah," he replied. "You'll be all right."
I simply laughed and ate it, not bothering to argue with him. "Ok." I knew it wasn't going to stay in me...
"At least it'll clean your system out," Ana said, staring banefully at the food.
I nodded and finished it up, running to the bathroom a few hours later with a gentle, "told you so," to Jacob.
He apologized, but i told him not to worry. I was getting used to running to the bathroom to involuntarily lose any sort of food i put into my body.

*I crave peanut butter! How can i stop this craving? I don't want to eat it! It'll only make me want more and more bad foods... like chocolate... Ugh! I want that too! What's wrong with me? How do you all stop your horrid cravings?*

**I have a question for you all. I know that a good bit of you are artistically talented. So would anyone like to draw me a picture for my Ana-Tribute tattoo? I'd like a skeleton, clutching a broken or withered heart that says Ana in pretty lettering on it somewhere. I'd prefer it to be in color, but it doesn't have to be. If you do draw me a picture, please send it to my email address (emofreak5@yahoo.com) and i'll email you back, letting you know if i'm going to use it. Thanks a bundle!**

48 Hours!

2010-07-02T14:05:00.000-07:00

Once again, i'm tired and uncreative. I don't know why but i feel totally exhausted (and even a bit on the depressed side) today. I didn't even do much of anything. I couldn't find the energy to work out... and i also thought it might not be the best idea seeing as every time i stood up--not even quickly at all--things went black and i saw some stars. I managed to not pass out though.
I think it might be because i just completed a 48 hour fast. I didn't realize it was going to be that long until this morning, but then i thought about it and realized that if i didn't eat anything until 12:00 PM, i would have pulled of a 48 hour fast without even thinking about it. The last time i ate was Wednesday. I had a salad at a restaurant with my grandparents and my Jacob. Then yesterday, by the time Jacob made it home, it was 2:00 in the morning and i was not about to wake up just to eat something. He didn't even ask me until i woke up around 10:00 this morning if i'd eaten anything. I told him the truth, and then begged him to let me wait until 12:00 today to eat anything because i wanted to be able to say that i'd gone 48 hours without eating--or even drinking anything but water! He didn't much like it, and as soon as it was 12:01, he shoved a sandwich at me, but i didn't mind. I felt as if i'd completed an amazing task by going that long without even wanting to eat anything. Seriously, i didn't think about food the entire time somehow, and it was so easy to go that long without eating.
I don't think it was the best thing for me though, considering my body's used to about 1000 calories a day. I should have slowly cut down on the calories, not just cut them out altogether for that long. I feel weak and dizzy because of it... but at the same time, that feels awesome. Does anyone know what i mean?
On the more random side of things, i miss my Jacob insanely. I went pretty much all day yesterday without seeing him because just as i got home from work, he had to leave and go to work. So today, i was looking forward to spending time with him before he went to work... That didn't really happen as planned. I mean, i was with him all day, but there were other people there too. A couple of his sister's friends were living in this house with all of us because they didn't have anywhere to go, and as soon as we got up this morning they told him they'd give us gas money to take them somewhere. We did need the gas money... But they took much longer than they'd said they would, so by the time we got back from that trip, it was time for him to go to work. It's kinda got me feeling down because i simply haven't had much time with him at all these past few days.
Blah... I need to go get a shower and shave. I wanna look extra nice for Jacob when he gets home tonight just because i haven't had much time with him. Weird reasoning? Probably. Do i care? Not at all. I've been putting off shaving for about a week. Haha. So i'm all sorts of hairy and ewwy. Too much information. I know, and i apologize. I just wanted to share that with someone for some odd reason.
Am i rambly in this post? Does it make any sense? I'm too tired to really even think about what i'm writing before i type it out. Haha. I hope this all makes some sort of sense.

Tired Rambling

2010-07-01T14:26:00.000-07:00

Well... guess what... i'm having another uncreative day where i really don't feel like putting my post in story form. I know, i've been gone for several days and now i'm giving you a totally random, rambly post. My apologies...
I'm kind of tired because i got roughly 5 hours of sleep last night, and i just now got done with work--at Wendy's. Does anyone else find it ironic that i'm an eating disordered girl whose last three jobs have revolved around food? First, i had a job at a farm/cheese factory. Then, it was a grocery store, and now, it's a fast food place. Seriously, being around the grease and grossness of the fast food makes me want to be sick sometimes... Today, as i worked in front of the fryer for 2 hours, i actually started to worry that i'd gain weight from inhaling grease fumes or something. Do you think that's possible? Oh goodness, i sound ridiculous, but i honestly am worried about it. I guess the good thing about being around all that fatness is that it makes me want to go all day without eating anything. I could easily pull of a week-long fast as long as i worked every day. But i won't, because i don't wanna hurt Jacob like that.
Today it is insanely tempting to go on a fast though.. because i didn't eat anything before i went to work at 11 this morning, didn't eat anything while at work, and didn't eat anything when i got home around 5. Jacob had to leave to go to his work as soon as i got home, so he didn't make sure i ate anything. He didn't even ask if i'd eaten anything at work like he said he was going to, and that makes me kind of inclined to not eat and hope he doesn't ask when he gets home either. Ugh... I don't know! What should i do?
On the positive side of things, i've lost 4 lbs in 4 days! So i'm insanely happy about that. Hopefully soon i'll be back down to 120. That's the goal of the moment, and i've got 5 more lbs to go to get there. I can do it! Seeing that much progress in those few days is such a huge encouragement and mood booster for me, so i figured i'd share it with you all... just don't add up those numbers and figure out what i currently weigh, ok?
Well, now i'm off to catch up on reading and commenting your lovely blogs. I hope you all are doing well. Remember, i love you all!

Pro Ana: My Struggles with and Acceptance of Ana

Ramblings--oh i missed you all soooo much!

Baby!

Finally!

Update

Still Not Moved In

Ugh!

Picture *grimmace*

Awesome News

Well, hello...

More Randomness

Randomness

I feel so needy...

The Clothes Make The Person... No, I Really Think They Do

Finally Back!

Scenespo for Stealthy

Brief Update

Thinspo? Not Really... But Still Pretty

Thinspo Requests?

Thank you!

I'm still here

That's what's up.

There are Thorns on Every Rose, in This I'm Reconciled. They're Just a Little Sharper to a Melancholy Child

Untitled

Looooooong update

Untitled

Breakdown Monster:2 Me:0

so...

Mood Swings

It's looking up a bit

Pain and Questions

Lyrics that make me think of myself and you all

Ultrasound pics!

Baby News

Sometimes....

I Don't Care What you Think as Long as it's About Me

Versatile Blogger Award

I wasn't gone for too long, was i?

Finally Wedding Pix!

Sometimes Ana is Still Here

Your hateful comments only inspire me to prove your ridiculous accusations more wrong than they already are.

Time to Catch up!

Rambly-ness

EEEK!

itty bitty update

Random stuff

I love you all :)

Ana's Goodbye

Quickie

I don't know now...

I'm Scaring Myself

Once upon a time

Quickie

Thievery

Story time!

Update

Thankyou

Reasons

So Tired...

All Apologies

Ana Sang This Song to Me

Skin & Bones by Romance on a Rocketship

What can i do?

It's Okay

Quickie

Many Questions and Few Answers

You Have My Heart

...hi...

Epic Fail... As Usual

Song Lyrics and Ana

Mirrors and Smoke

From Short Update to Gigantic Update

Once Again, A Short Update

Short Update

Ginormous Post

Update: I'm Still Here; Going Nowhere

True Love (to you all)

Failure Always Follows Success

Progress

Somebody Save Me from Myself

Picture grimmace